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Original poster

Ex DP burnt my baby

177 replies

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 22:53

Hi all,

Some of you many remember me from my pp 'am I being unreasonable to reduce contact with ex mil'

Backstory- ex walked out on me when 8m pregnant, he was 'too stressed' as he thought I'm too anxious, I was anxious about how unhelpful and unkind and often unsafe and un thoughtful he was being which escalated during pregnancy.

He is not a risk averse person at all or a future planner, and doesn't go out of his way to inform himself of safety related things to eg read books about caring for a new born, he is also v arrogant and thinks his views are best eg ex doesn't wear suncream and is consistently sun burnt, doesn't have savings just wastes money etc etc.

(Bore off any 'why do women have babies with these men' posters please, I know, and also he was lovely charming and acted kind for a year before this all started)

I have been consistently giving him supervised by me Access to form a relationship with baby, despite my stress and heartbreak from breakup, and based on pp advice I had just started to feel comfortable that baby knows him and is happy to be with him, so he has done 4-5 outings with him alone (or somethings with his own mother too) with baby. It has been good to get a tiny bit of 'me time' finally in the week.

When he takes him out I remind him of everything I know he might forget like make sure you use straps if he's in a high chair, make sure you keep him out of direct sun or use the suncream I've packed, don't forget he is rolling over very quickly now so be careful if on high surfaces etc etc (to anyone who says this is too much- he literally doesn't think of stuff like this unless he's told and has no experience with babies other than visits to our son, I'd also rather patronize the ex than risk the baby is injured)

However, this week, my worst nightmare, 10 mins after ex took baby out I get a call that he has spilt a hot drink all over baby I can hear him screaming and crying. I tell him what to do first aid wise and rush to the cafe. Its awful looking hot red all over side and leg - I have to cuddle baby and put him back under cold tap (ex had taken him out after only 5 mins despite me saying keep him there) and got my dad to take him to hospital (ex obviously doesn't have a safe car seat installed). Thankfully it wasn't serious burn and he is ok (but clingy) today but he could have been so so badly injured.

Now - what do I do??? How can I ever feel safe leaving my baby with this moron again? I feel so guilty I didn't remind him this time about hot drinks but I can't preempt every thing- as he gets bigger it could be a road or a dangerous dog or a fireplace or something else scary and dangerous that he just wouldn't notice. Do I need to be there? (I hate spending time with the ex) How long until children are sensible enough in themselves I imagine not until around 7 years? Should I insist he is supervised by someone I think is sensible? Would that be seen as unreasonable? What would you all do in this situation?

He isn't on the BC so doesn't have parental responsibility at the moment.

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 17/08/2023 22:55

If he is as stupid as you say, then I don't see how you can leave the baby with him.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2023 22:57

Just cut all contact. No child needs a “father” like that.

Farmersswife · 17/08/2023 22:57

Could something like a parenting course help him? Does he actually want to be involved or are you pushing it?

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NewSw19 · 17/08/2023 23:00

You can stop contact on grounds of safeguarding concerns.

He can apply for mediation & to take you to court if he wants visitation & to be put on the birth certificate

He can be supervised in a contact centre or by someone you trust (if he agrees to this obviously)

This would have been logged by the hospital I assume; this would normally trigger a social services phone call to yourself as a follow up ..... so if it did end up in court this would flag for the judge as a safeguarding concern.

ineedanap82 · 17/08/2023 23:02

A parenting corse is a good idea, sounds like you are going to have to supervise visits for the time being though. How did he react to what happened, hopefully it's a wake up call?

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 23:03

@Farmersswife he really wants to be involved he wants to do a days child care in the week when I go back to work to save nursery fees, before he was born he thought he'd be taking him overnight from 6m (thankfully he hasn't broached that at all as I think he's realized the work involved but I'm preparing myself when he's 2-3 he might start asking) he wants to visit 3 times a week I said 2 is enough for you to be in my home and bedroom ( I need my own boundaries too) - it's his arrogance, he thinks it's easy and he could do it and he knows what children need etc. I think he will be like a Disney land dad fun uncle that gets a puppy type, unless he gets a new gf and feels like setting down then he might even try for 50-50 (whcih would reduce the maintenance he pays)

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 23:03

NewSw19 · 17/08/2023 23:00

You can stop contact on grounds of safeguarding concerns.

He can apply for mediation & to take you to court if he wants visitation & to be put on the birth certificate

He can be supervised in a contact centre or by someone you trust (if he agrees to this obviously)

This would have been logged by the hospital I assume; this would normally trigger a social services phone call to yourself as a follow up ..... so if it did end up in court this would flag for the judge as a safeguarding concern.

Yes I made it clear to them that I am the only one with PR, is was with him that this happened not me

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 23:05

ineedanap82 · 17/08/2023 23:02

A parenting corse is a good idea, sounds like you are going to have to supervise visits for the time being though. How did he react to what happened, hopefully it's a wake up call?

He's cancelled a plan to bring him to a big family pub lunch (which I was going to pull baby out of myself but was just working out how to word it) and messaged to say he has an online first aid course booked.

Does anyone know a good course that is the step before first aid, like 'these are hazaards to be aware of'

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 23:07

Thank you all, I am glad to read that most people are on a similar page that this isn't safe. I think I have been trying to hard NOT to take out my anger about the breakup on their father-baby relationship that I'm scared that's what I might be doing if I reduce any contact but it's for the sake of baby's safety, not to be controlling (trust me I would love a few hours respite if he was a safe sensible person!)

OP posts:
Cocopogo · 17/08/2023 23:07

A parenting course sounds good. Local Children’s centre should run them.

NewSw19 · 17/08/2023 23:09

An online first aid course?
He needs to be doing an in person paediatric course - our local sure start centres run them as well as a local man who is qualified for it (there will be something for him to do in person - which does offer better information rather than online)

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 23:09

NewSw19 · 17/08/2023 23:00

You can stop contact on grounds of safeguarding concerns.

He can apply for mediation & to take you to court if he wants visitation & to be put on the birth certificate

He can be supervised in a contact centre or by someone you trust (if he agrees to this obviously)

This would have been logged by the hospital I assume; this would normally trigger a social services phone call to yourself as a follow up ..... so if it did end up in court this would flag for the judge as a safeguarding concern.

I hope I do get a follow up call in some ways so that they can talk with him an signpost him to somewhere where he can learn some common sense

OP posts:
cocog · 17/08/2023 23:14

Stop him seeing child for safety concerns for now send pics and updates he can take you to court this idiot should not be taking care of a small baby he needs to do parenting classes
( boots and p20 do 10 hour sun creams you can apply before he takes him in future) I would struggle to ever trust him again though! So sorry for your little one xx

Themuffintop · 17/08/2023 23:16

Well it depends. Genuine accidents do happen. What were the circumstances of the spilt drink?

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 23:19

Themuffintop · 17/08/2023 23:16

Well it depends. Genuine accidents do happen. What were the circumstances of the spilt drink?

He picked baby up then sat him down on the table next to coffee cup, baby reaches out to cup (as he does to everything within reach) and knocks it over onto himself 😢😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 23:21

cocog · 17/08/2023 23:14

Stop him seeing child for safety concerns for now send pics and updates he can take you to court this idiot should not be taking care of a small baby he needs to do parenting classes
( boots and p20 do 10 hour sun creams you can apply before he takes him in future) I would struggle to ever trust him again though! So sorry for your little one xx

Thank you x

OP posts:
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 17/08/2023 23:26

So sorry this happened op. Don’t let him have unsupervised access until he has done parenting course and first aid!

Pleased little one okay x

Mamathebest · 17/08/2023 23:27

You don’t give him unsupervised access until you are confident of his parenting abilities. Your baby is more important than what he wishes/feels. I would not let this person take my child anywhere without me.

if he isn’t happy he can take it to court.

TheUsualChaos · 17/08/2023 23:27

Backstory- ex walked out on me when 8m pregnant, he was 'too stressed' as he thought I'm too anxious, I was anxious about how unhelpful and unkind and often unsafe and un thoughtful he was being which escalated during pregnancy.

Sorry OP, just struggling to understand why, following this, you have been facilitating access to DC. Stop doing so with immediate effect would be my honest advice.

Mamathebest · 17/08/2023 23:29

Also if this was a one off horrible accident (as it can happen to any parent!) but was otherwise a good parent , I would say different. However, it does not seem to me that he’s made any steps to actually learn anything about parenting or has any common sense.

Themuffintop · 17/08/2023 23:31

I guess I am struggling to equate an accident like that to stopping contact. Accidents happen all the time - even to the best of parents. Particularly ‘baby pulling over hot drink’.

How serious was the incident, truly? Not ‘what might have been’ but what actually happened?
Are you sure you are not looking for reasons to reduce contact?

cestlavielife · 17/08/2023 23:33

Accidents happen. Has he learned from this?

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 23:40

TheUsualChaos · 17/08/2023 23:27

Backstory- ex walked out on me when 8m pregnant, he was 'too stressed' as he thought I'm too anxious, I was anxious about how unhelpful and unkind and often unsafe and un thoughtful he was being which escalated during pregnancy.

Sorry OP, just struggling to understand why, following this, you have been facilitating access to DC. Stop doing so with immediate effect would be my honest advice.

Very fair question... Just because everything I read emphasizes that the child has a right to a relationship with their father and I didn't want to do parental alienation (I have probably been wishing and believing in his potential as a decent parent as much as I believed in his potential as a decent partner 😩)

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 23:43

@Themuffintop no, we had just got to a good place that worked for me where I felt that ex dp was 'trained up' enough to parent and baby was familiar enough with him to be left with him so I could get a bit of me time (I was on route to sunbathe at an outdoor pool- I would MUCH rather feel that baby is safe with his dad so that I can do stuff like that rather than be insisting that I join them both on walks around the park etc)
I understand there are some parents like that but I really would rather a sensible coparent relationship than 100% me doing it all 24/7 ( as my username suggests the single parent life was not what I planned for)

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 23:45

@cestlavielife not sure yet we haven't spoken since I got baby home except for me sending updates about how he is today.
I guess how can I assess that he has learned from this? He will saw the right stuff but I suppose I need to believe that he will switch on the hazard perception skills (that he is inexplicably able to use well during video games) when caring for his son

OP posts:
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