Ex DP burnt my baby

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Hi all,

Some of you many remember me from my pp 'am I being unreasonable to reduce contact with ex mil'

Backstory- ex walked out on me when 8m pregnant, he was 'too stressed' as he thought I'm too anxious, I was anxious about how unhelpful and unkind and often unsafe and un thoughtful he was being which escalated during pregnancy.

He is not a risk averse person at all or a future planner, and doesn't go out of his way to inform himself of safety related things to eg read books about caring for a new born, he is also v arrogant and thinks his views are best eg ex doesn't wear suncream and is consistently sun burnt, doesn't have savings just wastes money etc etc.

(Bore off any 'why do women have babies with these men' posters please, I know, and also he was lovely charming and acted kind for a year before this all started)

I have been consistently giving him supervised by me Access to form a relationship with baby, despite my stress and heartbreak from breakup, and based on pp advice I had just started to feel comfortable that baby knows him and is happy to be with him, so he has done 4-5 outings with him alone (or somethings with his own mother too) with baby. It has been good to get a tiny bit of 'me time' finally in the week.

When he takes him out I remind him of everything I know he might forget like make sure you use straps if he's in a high chair, make sure you keep him out of direct sun or use the suncream I've packed, don't forget he is rolling over very quickly now so be careful if on high surfaces etc etc (to anyone who says this is too much- he literally doesn't think of stuff like this unless he's told and has no experience with babies other than visits to our son, I'd also rather patronize the ex than risk the baby is injured)

However, this week, my worst nightmare, 10 mins after ex took baby out I get a call that he has spilt a hot drink all over baby I can hear him screaming and crying. I tell him what to do first aid wise and rush to the cafe. Its awful looking hot red all over side and leg - I have to cuddle baby and put him back under cold tap (ex had taken him out after only 5 mins despite me saying keep him there) and got my dad to take him to hospital (ex obviously doesn't have a safe car seat installed). Thankfully it wasn't serious burn and he is ok (but clingy) today but he could have been so so badly injured.

Now - what do I do??? How can I ever feel safe leaving my baby with this moron again? I feel so guilty I didn't remind him this time about hot drinks but I can't preempt every thing- as he gets bigger it could be a road or a dangerous dog or a fireplace or something else scary and dangerous that he just wouldn't notice. Do I need to be there? (I hate spending time with the ex) How long until children are sensible enough in themselves I imagine not until around 7 years? Should I insist he is supervised by someone I think is sensible? Would that be seen as unreasonable? What would you all do in this situation?

He isn't on the BC so doesn't have parental responsibility at the moment.

I understand your concerns but not allowing him to see baby because of one accident seems unfair. I'm just thinking of the other post this week where OP let her 4 month old fall off a sofa and fracture his skull. There weren't many posters saying the baby needed taking off her, more that she needed to be more careful. I get that an ex is annoying and even more so now he will forever be in your lives but disagree that this means he shouldn't see or look after his baby. I think it's a positive that he wants to and has booked the first aid course. I would suggest a parenting course to him too though.

What happens WHEN your child has an accident under your watch?

Kids fall down stairs / tumble off slides / spill hot things / fall over stuff / roll off things / eat stuff. Will YOU go on a parenting course when something happens? Should your child be removed from you?

Get a grip.

Honestly i would....

• Write a factual email explaining why you are stopping contact includong other examples of neglient care and unsafe behaviour.
• File your CMA claim
• Stop all contact
• Let him take you to court for access

Presumably you told the hospital his father did it. I would report it to SS as well if they havent already.

I get being a single parent is hard and its nice to have a break but i would not want thisan within a mile of my child.

Yep, not a single person suggested the OP who allowed her baby to fracture their school should only allowed to see her baby via pictures until she had fought for access at court, nor the mum who attempted to stuff a pair of shorts into her childs mouth.

Obviously skull not school in the above, ah, the things I would do for an edit function.

Just saw the car seat bit. I perdonally think most people are totally OTT about carseats and brands etc. Even i think this is wreckless.

STOP ALL CONTACT.

Get this idiot / loser out of your lives.

Wasn’t that poster referred to social care because of the Drs concerns. So obviously professionals involved felt it warranted some kind of assessment of risk.

In a completely freak accident my oldest got a splash of boiling hot soup spilled on his leg.

My Nana (who looking back likely had diagnosed learning difficulties) spilt hot tea on me a dozen times as a child.

We both survived, zero long term damage and while I can't speak for my Nana I can say I remember who awful I felt and how nice DH (we weren't together at the time though) was about it.

Hospital staff (we washed it with cold water for a few minutes then went straight to hospital) accused me of being an abuser (only because I was a teen... pure ageism) and said he would be 'scarred for life'... he had 1 little blister that was completely gone within 2 weeks.

Its all good and well pointing the finger at others but you WILL have an accident with your child at some point, no one is immune to it. When it happens do you want someone to remove your child from you?

I'm sorry but I would be fucking furious if my child was injured enough to require hospital and they did phoned me ASAP.

Of course informing the mother should be one of the very first steps (after securing safety and do the immediate first aid).

Sorry you just see an injured child as a burden you would rather not be hindered with.

• undiagnosed
• Did not phone me

I wish we could edit posts for typos

People are saying everyone knows to keep hot drinks away from babies, but every single time I go into our local cafe, there are toddlers and barely walking ones at that running about the cafe, with the staff carrying hot drinks (tea, coffee, which would burn) around them to the tables. I can't believe it and it really stresses me out but this is so commonplace, that you cannot take children away from parents for it! Plus babies are sitting on laps, tables, all over the place with drinks and people are often chatting/not fully observing the child.

I think this is a bad accident, you are right to be angry, and I would use this as leverage to say to him that he has to have the highest standards of care for your LO at all times- so tell him that he HAS to have a car seat and use it properly, he has to avoid hot drinks, he has to watch the child at all times and so on. I would not cut a child off from its dad. I would be super-clear on what has to happen from now on, and be clear that his inexperience could endanger your child and it's his responsibility to learn how to be a better parent.

I don't think that's reasonable or proportionate given that lots of people (mums mostly) take risks I don't think are ok around hot drinks/children, but ultimately children are not removed from their care.

My friend has scarring all down his body where he pulled a kettle on top of him as a toddler- it was a terrible accident, of course, the parents 'should' have been supervising, but there but for the grace of God and all that. My child escaped from my house and went missing on my watch, was I responsible? yes, should I have lost contact with my child, absolutely not. I didn't know they could reach the lock- once I did, I changed my behaviour and that's what you need to demand of him here.

I think you handled this so well. You have managed to build up a healthy co-parenting relationship that allows this arrogant man to feel safe to ring you and raise the alarm.
Some people would just ignore the crying and do what they think is best which often makes injuries worse.
He trusts that you value the baby's welfare and he's not a narc to get crowds of people to help massage his ego and save the baby in the cafe by himself.
All credit to you.

He’s not just a shit partner though is he ? The OP says his unsafe behaviour around her and their unborn child escalated during her pregnancy. And instead of addressing it, he chose to use her anxiety as a result of his behaviour as a reason to leave !! Everything she’s told us about him screams risk, and the babys’ safety is of paramount concern, not his right to be with the child he displayed so little concern for before it was even born. If the behaviour which caused the anxiety he so easily dismissed is continuing, why would she put their child at risk by giving him unfettered access ?

@Nowthenhere I agree, he actually did the right thing in calling the mum immediately instead of trying to cover up/be a hero/do something inappropriate. My husband has also been out when the child had an accident and what you need is complete transparency and quick action.

I would insist he gets a car seat immediately (a new safe one) for this reason, though again, people without cars do parent children.

What thread are you on, because it clearly isn’t this one ?

I’m speaking as the parent of a child who was badly burned

again, this too was an accident, he was older, school aged, and it happened at home. We spent 2 weeks in a specialist hospital

he had burns to 13% of his body, including the genital area. At no point did anyone say that this was catastrophic. Not even the plastic surgeon who came to have a look at him.

burns are awful, serious burns are the stuff of nightmare and it is terrifying when it happens to our babies, no matter how old they are, but don’t let that warp your thinking or suck you into dramatic stances.

the best way forward is to have a proper conversation with this man and explain that while it was an accident and a very common one at that, there is no lasting damage and dc will be fine. Going forward however ExP does have to have more clue on hazard perception and him booking on a first aid course is fantastic, but as has been said preventing accidents is the best way to ensure baby is safe. This incident sounds like it’s shaken ExP to the core.

given his efforts and reaction I don’t think contact should be stopped for this. I think if you support him he might just turn the corner.

Preventing a child from having a relationship with their father because of one accident is a nuclear reaction. I can promise you that your child will also have an accident in your care at some point. Will you then give the child up for adoption?

@JusthereforXmas @Theunamedcat yes I'm glad he called me, I think he was aware baby needs his mum to feel comforted - I've always said when they go out to local park, if he starts really crying call me and I'll come straight away

There's a difference between a genuine accident and absolute thoughtlessness.

He's a father. He needs to grow up and act like one.

Hi all, some pp have said I should cut off all contact my my op and updates haven't said I want to do that completely so no need to keep telling me not to - all legal advise (which I've taken) and healthcare advice has been that the child has a right to relationship with their father but he doesn't have a right to come and go as he pleases it needs to work for me too. As ex doesn't have pr he doesn't have a right to uninterrupted time with baby (although he could go to court and ask). Exp does love him in his own way (think fun uncle) and he is absolutely great and playing with kids and making them laugh and feel special - one of the things I loved about him was how great he was with my friends kids.

I was very hopeful that he could be a decent dad so that he could do some childcare and give me a chance to do some stuff for myself /reduce the nursery bill when I go back to work too, but obviously baby being safe is more important than any of that.

I guess I was hoping for advice on how to make exp be safer or who could support him during contact. Some good ideas re resources and parenting courses. Contact centres are a good idea I think he might feel he's a big middle class for them but that's hit issue - his MIL isn't sensible either (evening alcoholic, will drink drive herself home from restaurants, they were neglectful of exp when he was growing up eg midweek parties at home when he was primary age- without being too outing they are a tiny bit aging celebrity and had quite a rock and roll lifestyle, would never leave baby with paternal grandparents alone and I think exp would agree with that) not that it should be the role of women to do this labour, but is actual be relieved if he got a sensible girlfriend like a nurse or something that could help him.

I guess I'm thinking what to do next. I think from this thread others think I am reasonable to say that for now he can't take baby out without me there but could visit and see baby This isn't that's sustainable though as I don't like his company and I have other stuff to do!

To pp who mentioned him visiting at home and what happens if I meet a new partner. It's just what's working for now so baby stays in familiar places, that he is comfortable and feels and is safe in. Would love to meet a new partner I don't know how I'll ever have time if I can't rely on ex to do any safe childcare 😫 but I guess I was imagining ex 'babysits' at my flat while I went out for dinner with a date etc - I'll probably be back here asking for advice when that time comes but I'm more just looking for time to have a bath and exercise and do a bit of work than date at the moment

Pp that suggests ex has a learning disability. He has got a degree etc. but he definitely has some planning and organization difficulties maybe due to foetal alcohol exposure (which I'm sure happened) his childhood, adhd or the partying he did during his teens/20s before I met him.

The "accident" was not the father spilling his coffee
The accident happened because he left the baby in a dangerous situation with boiling drink in arms length
He is repeatedly making terrible decisions, based on idiocy or "flaky" behaviour.
You cannot trust him, he cannot have the baby alone
Potential other scenarios
Not holding his hand= rubs into road
No car seat= fatal injury
No straps in high chair= brain damage
Not closing stair gate= breaks limbs/scars
The guy is a walking disaster

Just wrote a reply to this but didn't tag

Yes he is! This is my stress at the moment as much as I have tried to preempt and remind him of any dangers he just is missing the common sense so there will always be something else.

What is frustrating is this guy is SO good at video games where there are hazards etc and really focuses on them and spots them quickly why can't he do it in real life

@Rosscameasdoody yes you have summarized it perfectly

OP you are doing the right thing in trying to allow your baby to have a daddy. I wouldn’t cut off all contact just because of an accident if you feel your ex loves his baby and genuinely want to learn to be a better parent. Mums are usually more risk aware than dads, and even dads that live with their babies often need coaching and reminding of things at first.

While he’s learning keep visits close to home, not too long and be on hand in case you are needed. Build it up from there as his skills and your confidence grow. If you get through the difficult early years you might find he’s a good dad.