Ex DP burnt my baby

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Hi all,

Some of you many remember me from my pp 'am I being unreasonable to reduce contact with ex mil'

Backstory- ex walked out on me when 8m pregnant, he was 'too stressed' as he thought I'm too anxious, I was anxious about how unhelpful and unkind and often unsafe and un thoughtful he was being which escalated during pregnancy.

He is not a risk averse person at all or a future planner, and doesn't go out of his way to inform himself of safety related things to eg read books about caring for a new born, he is also v arrogant and thinks his views are best eg ex doesn't wear suncream and is consistently sun burnt, doesn't have savings just wastes money etc etc.

(Bore off any 'why do women have babies with these men' posters please, I know, and also he was lovely charming and acted kind for a year before this all started)

I have been consistently giving him supervised by me Access to form a relationship with baby, despite my stress and heartbreak from breakup, and based on pp advice I had just started to feel comfortable that baby knows him and is happy to be with him, so he has done 4-5 outings with him alone (or somethings with his own mother too) with baby. It has been good to get a tiny bit of 'me time' finally in the week.

When he takes him out I remind him of everything I know he might forget like make sure you use straps if he's in a high chair, make sure you keep him out of direct sun or use the suncream I've packed, don't forget he is rolling over very quickly now so be careful if on high surfaces etc etc (to anyone who says this is too much- he literally doesn't think of stuff like this unless he's told and has no experience with babies other than visits to our son, I'd also rather patronize the ex than risk the baby is injured)

However, this week, my worst nightmare, 10 mins after ex took baby out I get a call that he has spilt a hot drink all over baby I can hear him screaming and crying. I tell him what to do first aid wise and rush to the cafe. Its awful looking hot red all over side and leg - I have to cuddle baby and put him back under cold tap (ex had taken him out after only 5 mins despite me saying keep him there) and got my dad to take him to hospital (ex obviously doesn't have a safe car seat installed). Thankfully it wasn't serious burn and he is ok (but clingy) today but he could have been so so badly injured.

Now - what do I do??? How can I ever feel safe leaving my baby with this moron again? I feel so guilty I didn't remind him this time about hot drinks but I can't preempt every thing- as he gets bigger it could be a road or a dangerous dog or a fireplace or something else scary and dangerous that he just wouldn't notice. Do I need to be there? (I hate spending time with the ex) How long until children are sensible enough in themselves I imagine not until around 7 years? Should I insist he is supervised by someone I think is sensible? Would that be seen as unreasonable? What would you all do in this situation?

He isn't on the BC so doesn't have parental responsibility at the moment.

Have you even read any of the thread? What an absolutely ridiculous thing to have commented - obviously she took her baby to A&E!! Dear god.

Not defending him at all but how many people on here post worried their dc has fallen off a bed /sofa and are told to go on a parenting course? None I have seen. Accidents happen.

@PuddlesPityParty chill! The Op’s opening post is super long, I missed it. People make mistakes you know. Now go and have a coffee

My toddler dd pulled a hot drink off the table (she was fine) I'm glad no body told me I couldn't see my dd!

It was an accident and it sounds like he is trying to make amends. First aid and a parenting course are a great idea. And it would be reasonable to go back to supervised visits. But I wouldn't stop contact.

Accidents happen, it does sound like you are over the top anxious. Maybe look at some CBT courses for yourself.

I’ve never had an accident like this because I would never put a hot liquid near a child,
you e got to think ahead with children and the way you describe your ex is that he likes to take risks and doesn’t use his brain
my ex is the same way, always driving the kids without seatbelts giving my daughter hard round candy, and other stupid things , he accuses me of nagging

I actually can't believe people are telling OP to stop contact. With the child's father. Because of one accident. Disgusting and entitled.

A child also has a right to be safe and looked after, and not neglected. That has to come first.

If you want him to be in the child’s life, can you suggest supervised contact with someone more sensible? Is his Mum around?

It sounds like he has the potential to have a good relationship with his son, but has no idea what caring for a small child involves. Is he capable of centring his DS in his thoughts or is it all about him and his ego?
If you said this hot drink incident highlights that he needs some training/experience of childcare, do you think he would agree?
If he's receptive to learning, then maybe if he was around other parents of babies he'd learn through observing. Could you suggest he goes to crèche groups/ parent and tots mornings etc when he has DS?

I would want to have a frank conversation with him and be sure he was on board with taking child safety seriously before letting him have any further unsupervised contact at this age.

He's too stupid to have access.

Sitting a baby on the table stupid too.

Accidents DO happen. DH’s mum spilled a hot tea on him when he was a baby. She’s a very competent parent and now grandparent, but in those first few months of having a baby, sometimes you don’t think (or you try to, but you miss something, something doesn’t occur to you because it has never happened so you’re not aware of risk). I’m a very safety conscious (aka anxious) person anyway so I am really aware of any risks, but lots of people aren’t or need a bit of experience or a good wake up call like it sounds like your ex had. I’d take his signing onto a first aid course as a sign of his genuine remorse and concern and desire to do better. Supervised visits will be fine but I wouldn’t deny him access to his child.

Life is full of dangers. You can't mitigate or warn him about every single one. He needs to be more sensible and aware in general. If he can't do this then he shouldn't be around the baby.

I wouldn’t stop him seeing your DS over this one incident. Agree with PPs who say accidents do unfortunately happen and as a one off then I don’t think it’s something you should be stopping contact over. If it was to form a pattern of behaviour then I’d be maybe looking at supervised contact but to be honest it sounds like your anxiety is overtaking you a bit.

He doesn’t sound like the best parent but he’s not actually had much time to learn. You talk about ‘training’ him which I found odd. Parenting is something you can only really learn on the job. I’m sure you’ve learnt a lot since becoming a mum. Also you can be aware of all the dangers in the world but this doesn’t stop accidents from happening, especially as they get older. What would you do for example if as a toddler if he bumped his head from running into a table, or falling off something at the playground in your ex DP’s contact?

I think it’s good he’s booked an online first aid course, it shows he knows it was wrong. By all means share the fact sheets and suggest other courses to him but I think really you have to let him find his own way while being aware of any other incidents.

That’s not to say I don’t massively empathise with you. I don’t have concerns over the people I leave my DC with but I still get anxious about what could happen to them when I’m not around, but I know that’s my anxiety talking rather than any actual issues with the care they receive.

I think you are being harsh. This is an accident not an on purpose. It could have just as easily happened on someone elses watch. I think a patenting course is a good idea because he had no experience of children. However, I wouldn't stop contact because of it.

I don’t know the backstory but same thing happened to us when my son was 10 months and I’m a good parent (and was then). Boiling hot black coffee all over him - he was ok luckily.

This might be the wake up call he needs. Don’t be too drastic - talk to him about the incident in a calm and measured way - it was traumatic for us so he may want to talk about it in a safe space without “I told you so’s”.

Haven't read the rest of your posts yet but The Baby Academy do free online courses on baby safety! They are based here in Ireland but there have been people from all over logged in to the courses whenever I've done them.

I can't believe so many people are minimising. Yes, accidents happen, but there are ways to minimise the risk. If you're with a baby a lot you think ahead and look out for stuff. This man isn't used to or practising looking out for baby. Saying this isn't attacking people who are are normally careful but at some point make a mistake.

Personally if you think he cannot manage to keep the baby safe in such basic ways then I wouldn’t be letting him have unsupervised contact. I wouldn’t allow my baby to be cared for by someone I had to remind of obvious safety points every time they looked after the baby.

Accidents are one thing, and plenty of people have accidentally let a baby too close to a hot drink. Being totally unaware of multiple basic safety measures to keep a baby safe is a totally different thing.

I’d tell him he can only see baby if there is someone else capable of keeping the baby safe with him, then leave the ball in his court to sort out that arrangement.

father-child is obviously important but not when the basic safety of the child isn’t being maintained to allow it.

Can you suggest he goes on some baby courses or courses at the children’s centre?

It was an accident but an entirely preventable one. Everyone knows to keep hot drinks well away from babies/young children. This is basic stuff. The fact that he didn’t listen to your first aid advice too is a huge red flag. I’m sure he has good qualities but he sounds very untrustworthy.

@laidbacklife good point about him not listening to the first aid advice. Even if it was a terrible accident why on earth wouldn’t you follow basic first aid instructions when you called and asked for advice.

is it purposeful??
Does he have any needs that impact on his thinking/understanding? Because the things op mentions are so basic almost every adult I know, even those without children, are aware of those risks.

It is a responsible thing to do - to ask EX to complete a parenting course that you are happy with.

Delay unsupervised visits until he has gained some knowledge. Knowledge is not everything and he will only gain experience by looking after the child.
Can you suggest some safe places for outings - at your house in two rooms, child friendly cafe or local park etc? Also expect that until he proves to have taken the safety course he will be supervised by his mother or another person you trust.

Thank you very much

I took him to a and e to check he was ok
They said they will send a note about it to my gp but they don't give me anything written directly so I think I can ask gp

Accidents happen and if he is not the full time resident parent maybe he doesn't realise the dangers as baby grows and moves about more. If he is open to a parenting health and safety course and seems genuinely sorry rather than playing it down I would not stop contact altogether.

Maybe supervised access if he will accept that for now. I get that doesn't give you me time but does mean he sees how your DC develops and maybe is more aware of risks etc. Of course he could be one of these people who never look ahead and do stupid things time after time. I am not sure I would ever trust my baby with a DF like that. What about the MIL? Is she any better?