Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Ex DP burnt my baby

177 replies

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 22:53

Hi all,

Some of you many remember me from my pp 'am I being unreasonable to reduce contact with ex mil'

Backstory- ex walked out on me when 8m pregnant, he was 'too stressed' as he thought I'm too anxious, I was anxious about how unhelpful and unkind and often unsafe and un thoughtful he was being which escalated during pregnancy.

He is not a risk averse person at all or a future planner, and doesn't go out of his way to inform himself of safety related things to eg read books about caring for a new born, he is also v arrogant and thinks his views are best eg ex doesn't wear suncream and is consistently sun burnt, doesn't have savings just wastes money etc etc.

(Bore off any 'why do women have babies with these men' posters please, I know, and also he was lovely charming and acted kind for a year before this all started)

I have been consistently giving him supervised by me Access to form a relationship with baby, despite my stress and heartbreak from breakup, and based on pp advice I had just started to feel comfortable that baby knows him and is happy to be with him, so he has done 4-5 outings with him alone (or somethings with his own mother too) with baby. It has been good to get a tiny bit of 'me time' finally in the week.

When he takes him out I remind him of everything I know he might forget like make sure you use straps if he's in a high chair, make sure you keep him out of direct sun or use the suncream I've packed, don't forget he is rolling over very quickly now so be careful if on high surfaces etc etc (to anyone who says this is too much- he literally doesn't think of stuff like this unless he's told and has no experience with babies other than visits to our son, I'd also rather patronize the ex than risk the baby is injured)

However, this week, my worst nightmare, 10 mins after ex took baby out I get a call that he has spilt a hot drink all over baby I can hear him screaming and crying. I tell him what to do first aid wise and rush to the cafe. Its awful looking hot red all over side and leg - I have to cuddle baby and put him back under cold tap (ex had taken him out after only 5 mins despite me saying keep him there) and got my dad to take him to hospital (ex obviously doesn't have a safe car seat installed). Thankfully it wasn't serious burn and he is ok (but clingy) today but he could have been so so badly injured.

Now - what do I do??? How can I ever feel safe leaving my baby with this moron again? I feel so guilty I didn't remind him this time about hot drinks but I can't preempt every thing- as he gets bigger it could be a road or a dangerous dog or a fireplace or something else scary and dangerous that he just wouldn't notice. Do I need to be there? (I hate spending time with the ex) How long until children are sensible enough in themselves I imagine not until around 7 years? Should I insist he is supervised by someone I think is sensible? Would that be seen as unreasonable? What would you all do in this situation?

He isn't on the BC so doesn't have parental responsibility at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 07:45

NaturalStudy · 18/08/2023 02:47

I dont know what to advise OP, but sympathise as to how worrying this must be. Why doesnt he have a proper car seat? Have you confronted him about this point? I would be wanting this addressed too before he had DC again.

I haven't mentioned the car seat to him except once when he called me mid visit asked if he could drive him soemehwee with the car seat he has that someone gave him and I asked him if he's checked how to fit a baby it here and if it is the right age and weight for our baby and he said no. I told him by message we need to have a conversation before driving baby anywhere which he hasn't followed up.

I would need to see him fitting the straps safely first but also I think he checks phone too much when driving (another thing we argued about when I was pregnant) so I'm not encouraging it or allowing it at the moment

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 18/08/2023 07:45

BananaSlug · 18/08/2023 00:35

Crazy comments. Accidents happen, I know more than one parent this has happened to and their children weren’t taken off them no ss involvement nothing! No parenting courses 🙄 It’s an accident! He didn’t throw it over the child! If you posted this saying it happened in your care everyone would be reassuring you it’s an accident and it happens. The fact your refer to the child as my baby is very telling.

Have you even read the OP’s posts ? She’s had doubts about leaving the baby with him from the start. There’s a difference between an accident, and an accident waiting to happen.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 07:48

Wife2b · 18/08/2023 03:24

I’m in the minority but I think you’re being harsh. He’s a first time parent - mistakes happen. It doesn’t sound like he was deliberately negligent, no doubt he’s kicking himself for what happened to your son also. There will likely come a point where your son may be harmed in your care with a legitimate accident - with all the will in the world we can’t predict everything and you can’t wrap your son in bubble wrap forever, when that time comes I’m sure you’ll appreciate him not being a dick about it and making you feel worse. It certainly isn’t grounds to stop contact, the long term impact of stopping contact with his Dad would be far more damaging than alleged safeguarding concerns (by the way as a social worker I can say it’s highly unlikely an accident like this would warrant a referral let alone a follow up unless the hospital thought foul play was involved). It sounds like you’re doing a good job of facilitating contact as it is but I do think you need to breathe a bit - no doubt your son will go to nursery eventually and you can’t pre-empt everything.

Yes the health visitor is also very encouraging of me allowing contact but I haven't told her yet about this incident and what to advise.

I just can't see anything like this happening in a nursey where there are so many rules and eveyonen is trained

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Theunamedcat · 18/08/2023 07:49

Of course accidents happen but he rang her instead of dealing with it himself that's the part that stands out to me my ex is just as useless he called me at work to tell me I would need to take ds to minor injuries because he had hurt himself "badly" in his care I didn't finish work for two hours I was an easy 45 minute journey away minor injuries was around the corner FROM HIM he would have left him screaming because it didn't occur to him to even give calpol (in the bag I sent with him) ultimately I had to convince him it couldn't wait so he told the Dr how awful I was for making a fuss on the Dr's notes he said "I'm not sure dad understands the potential seriousness of the injuries" and he was right

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 07:50

Fraaahnces · 18/08/2023 04:01

Honestly Sweetie, you sound like an amazing mum. You are responsible, thorough and clearly very intelligent. Knowing that nappies increase the heat because they absorb so much fluid is something they don’t teach in first aid courses here in Aus. (I teach First Aid and I always make a point of adding this, because babies are often burnt, unfortunately.) I suspect your ex is a really lazy thinker. I imagine he’s always had his mum or you doing the thinking for him, and that way he always has an excuse when he has to do it himself. It’s great that he’s doing First Aid now, but he really should have done it while you were pregnant.Parenting in hindsight isn’t good parenting, it’s covering up for your inadequacies. I think if you two got back together, you’d feel like you had a baby and a toddler to parent, and you wouldn’t be able to trust him anyway. I also think that him staying at your place is unreasonable. This needs to stop. It’s intrusive and doesn’t really give you a break. I am certain that there are both paediatric first aid courses AND parenting classes he could access if it meant enough to him, but once more, he’s leaving it up to other people to research and organise. I think you do need supervised visits and to possibly move away from him so that it is less convenient to come and show off his pet baby.

Thank you x

He doesn't stay at mine just visits after work
Sometimes in the evening and baby sleeps in my bedroom so the nappy change area etc is there

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 18/08/2023 07:52

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 18/08/2023 05:38

Not defending him at all but how many people on here post worried their dc has fallen off a bed /sofa and are told to go on a parenting course? None I have seen. Accidents happen.

It’s not just about the accident itself though, surely ? The OP has given enough info for us to see why she was nervous about leaving the baby with him in the first place, because of his past behaviour. So she foresaw this. A single accident may not be a cause for undue alarm but these circumstances may signal that it could be the first of many, and she’s right to be concerned.

BertieBotts · 18/08/2023 07:54

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 00:38

I think it's that he is so useless at safety and risk assessment in general (as described in my posts) it's the feeling of not being surprised and not feeling like this is a one off and feeling what next when there is a road or a sharp object or a high up cliff etc etc etc - he just doesn't think ahead

Show quote history

Trust your instincts.

This is not the same as an accidental spill that could happen to anyone. (And I too spilled coffee on my first born and rushed to hospital in a panic! He was fine - it had splashed on me and my shouting made him cry.) Just because the resulting injury is the same does not make it the same. I don't know anyone who would sit a baby in that grabby stage on a table with a hot drink! Just madness.

Honestly I have seen these threads time and time again on here and they make your blood run cold some of the accidents people have had.

Don't doubt yourself.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 07:56

Waffle19 · 18/08/2023 07:13

I wouldn’t stop him seeing your DS over this one incident. Agree with PPs who say accidents do unfortunately happen and as a one off then I don’t think it’s something you should be stopping contact over. If it was to form a pattern of behaviour then I’d be maybe looking at supervised contact but to be honest it sounds like your anxiety is overtaking you a bit.

He doesn’t sound like the best parent but he’s not actually had much time to learn. You talk about ‘training’ him which I found odd. Parenting is something you can only really learn on the job. I’m sure you’ve learnt a lot since becoming a mum. Also you can be aware of all the dangers in the world but this doesn’t stop accidents from happening, especially as they get older. What would you do for example if as a toddler if he bumped his head from running into a table, or falling off something at the playground in your ex DP’s contact?

I think it’s good he’s booked an online first aid course, it shows he knows it was wrong. By all means share the fact sheets and suggest other courses to him but I think really you have to let him find his own way while being aware of any other incidents.

That’s not to say I don’t massively empathise with you. I don’t have concerns over the people I leave my DC with but I still get anxious about what could happen to them when I’m not around, but I know that’s my anxiety talking rather than any actual issues with the care they receive.

The training bit-
I am learning on the job as I do it 24/7 so I notice stuff like this week baby is TRYING to launch off edges (not just rolling randomly) and I'm there for the health visitor visits so will know this is how we've been told told hold the bottle and I do baby eating courses and have done a lot of trial and error so I know how to introduce foods to him and what he doesn't like in terms of being fed - so this is the kind of stuff I need to teach him when he visits as he doesn't learn on the job as the job basically changes each week and I don't want him to be doing trial and error experiements with baby

OP posts:
IWantOutDoI · 18/08/2023 07:58

Sorry OP, I just had to stop reading when I got to the post saying that you had called him to say he was booked for a first aid course.

This is absolutely bonkers, you cannot “train” a guy who is not able to cope, to care enough or to observe enough to cope. It is your baby, but sorting him up is not your work, responsibility and honestly, you are looking a bit extreme in trying to control things that you can control and those that are, honestly, so NOT under your remit.

Bottom line is that if you don’t trust him, baby does not go out with him alone. If it hurts you to have this guy around you simply stop contact. Let him take the steps he needs to take to be in the life of his child, but absolutely do not be so forceful trying to make him the guy you want him to be, that is quite abusive/controlling of YOU. In a nutshell, if he is not reliable, the baby doesn’t meet with him until he is. Leave the guy alone.

One thing to bear in mind, about parental responsibility. The fact that he is not in the birth certificate is not a problem at all for him if he wants to gain parental responsibility, he just needs to apply to court, an adn test will be mandated, and he will get parental responsibility whether you want him to or not.

babyproblems · 18/08/2023 07:58

I’d cut all contact. What good would this father bring to your babies life? I can’t see any. If I were you I would cut all contact on safeguarding concerns. Genuinely interested to know what benefits having him in your child’s life would bring to your child?

You could continue some supervised visits but I don’t see the point.. he sounds beyond hopeless. If he was on any kind of pathway I would perhaps hope for change but from your post I think he’s not ever going to be capable..

Rosscameasdoody · 18/08/2023 08:06

Wife2b · 18/08/2023 03:24

I’m in the minority but I think you’re being harsh. He’s a first time parent - mistakes happen. It doesn’t sound like he was deliberately negligent, no doubt he’s kicking himself for what happened to your son also. There will likely come a point where your son may be harmed in your care with a legitimate accident - with all the will in the world we can’t predict everything and you can’t wrap your son in bubble wrap forever, when that time comes I’m sure you’ll appreciate him not being a dick about it and making you feel worse. It certainly isn’t grounds to stop contact, the long term impact of stopping contact with his Dad would be far more damaging than alleged safeguarding concerns (by the way as a social worker I can say it’s highly unlikely an accident like this would warrant a referral let alone a follow up unless the hospital thought foul play was involved). It sounds like you’re doing a good job of facilitating contact as it is but I do think you need to breathe a bit - no doubt your son will go to nursery eventually and you can’t pre-empt everything.

So despite everything the OP has told us about her ex being arrogant, unthinking and a risk taker, and that he has to be constantly reminded of important safety precautions, you think she should continue to provide unsupervised contact ? Despite the fact that her doubts have been borne out by this accident waiting to happen.

Floppyelf · 18/08/2023 08:07

AnyFucker · 17/08/2023 22:57

Just cut all contact. No child needs a “father” like that.

I’m all for this sentiment. You sound like a lovely mum OP. 💐💐💐💐💐

Floppyelf · 18/08/2023 08:08

I’d report it to social services as well. Save and call records, watsapps now before he edits them.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 08:08

IWantOutDoI · 18/08/2023 07:58

Sorry OP, I just had to stop reading when I got to the post saying that you had called him to say he was booked for a first aid course.

This is absolutely bonkers, you cannot “train” a guy who is not able to cope, to care enough or to observe enough to cope. It is your baby, but sorting him up is not your work, responsibility and honestly, you are looking a bit extreme in trying to control things that you can control and those that are, honestly, so NOT under your remit.

Bottom line is that if you don’t trust him, baby does not go out with him alone. If it hurts you to have this guy around you simply stop contact. Let him take the steps he needs to take to be in the life of his child, but absolutely do not be so forceful trying to make him the guy you want him to be, that is quite abusive/controlling of YOU. In a nutshell, if he is not reliable, the baby doesn’t meet with him until he is. Leave the guy alone.

One thing to bear in mind, about parental responsibility. The fact that he is not in the birth certificate is not a problem at all for him if he wants to gain parental responsibility, he just needs to apply to court, an adn test will be mandated, and he will get parental responsibility whether you want him to or not.

He messaged after incident to tell me
He's booked himself on an online one. I didn't do that for him. As a pp has suggested I do/did a lot of his thinking for him (managing his finances and job applications for example) it was exhausting

OP posts:
Anothernamethesamegame · 18/08/2023 08:15

Floppyelf · 18/08/2023 08:08

I’d report it to social services as well. Save and call records, watsapps now before he edits them.

Im not sure what this would achieve. They’d just tell her to stop contact if she thinks her baby isn’t safe.

Anothernamethesamegame · 18/08/2023 08:16

Op is he lazy or does he genuinely struggle with understanding things? Might he have learning disability or something?

Zanatdy · 18/08/2023 08:17

TheUsualChaos · 17/08/2023 23:27

Backstory- ex walked out on me when 8m pregnant, he was 'too stressed' as he thought I'm too anxious, I was anxious about how unhelpful and unkind and often unsafe and un thoughtful he was being which escalated during pregnancy.

Sorry OP, just struggling to understand why, following this, you have been facilitating access to DC. Stop doing so with immediate effect would be my honest advice.

Because being a shit partner doesn’t mean you don’t get to see your child. No matter what OP does he will get some kind of access. You can’t just say to the father you’re having no contact at all. That is parent alienation

Zanatdy · 18/08/2023 08:20

Everyone saying cut contact forever - this is really not in the child’s best interests long term to cut contact with a father who wants to be involved. By all means insist on supervised access when the child is a baby, but you can’t just ban the father from seeing the child completely. Accidents happen, I know a few people whose baby had quite a serious preventable accident when under 12months, but no-one banned them from contact with their child. I’d suggest parenting courses, in person first aid and supervise contact. If you don’t want him around you insist on a contact centre.

GreyDuck · 18/08/2023 08:23

I'm going against the "accidents happen" brigade... Yes, they do, but you can also take reasonable steps to reduce the risk. Sitting a baby on a table within reach of a hot drink is careless. It would be different if the drink had been out of reach, and knocked over by someone else.
Also, OP has stated many times that this is in the context of someone who is repeatedly careless, not a one-off lapse of judgement.

I think the suggestions for parenting courses are good. Try your local family centre. Even better if it was something he could go to with the baby. That way you'd know baby was in a safe environment during contact. Doesn't need to be a safety-specific course, anything led by a professional would pick up on his behaviour. This would also show him it's not just you who thinks about these things.

Thelonelygiraffe · 18/08/2023 08:23

I'd stop giving him access right away. His behaviour when you were pg tells you everything about him. Why are you losing sleep and worrying about parenting courses and warning him of hazards?

He's an adult.

Say no more access until you can trust him. Let him do the hard work of finding courses etc.

An in-person first aid course is much better than an online one.

Rosscameasdoody · 18/08/2023 08:24

IWantOutDoI · 18/08/2023 07:58

Sorry OP, I just had to stop reading when I got to the post saying that you had called him to say he was booked for a first aid course.

This is absolutely bonkers, you cannot “train” a guy who is not able to cope, to care enough or to observe enough to cope. It is your baby, but sorting him up is not your work, responsibility and honestly, you are looking a bit extreme in trying to control things that you can control and those that are, honestly, so NOT under your remit.

Bottom line is that if you don’t trust him, baby does not go out with him alone. If it hurts you to have this guy around you simply stop contact. Let him take the steps he needs to take to be in the life of his child, but absolutely do not be so forceful trying to make him the guy you want him to be, that is quite abusive/controlling of YOU. In a nutshell, if he is not reliable, the baby doesn’t meet with him until he is. Leave the guy alone.

One thing to bear in mind, about parental responsibility. The fact that he is not in the birth certificate is not a problem at all for him if he wants to gain parental responsibility, he just needs to apply to court, an adn test will be mandated, and he will get parental responsibility whether you want him to or not.

Sorry OP, I just had to stop reading when I got to the post saying that you had called him to say he was booked for a first aid course.

Except that it was the ex who messaged the OP to say he had booked himself on a first aid course. So she’s not the extreme control freak you’re painting her as. It may not be in her remit to sort him out, but it’s certainly within her remit to make sure her child is safe when with her ex, and from what she’s said in her posts there is clearly cause for concern here. So many people failing to grasp the backstory her, and as a result, minimising the OP’s concerns.

Olika · 18/08/2023 08:25

I would NEVER let him have the baby again. He is not fit to be left alone without you or adult you trust around.

mightymam · 18/08/2023 08:29

Bloody hell OP. As if dealing with a breakup and having a new baby isn't enough. You then prolong the pain by having this eejit in your life. If tell him the hospital had reported the incident to social services who'd been in contact saying they were concerned and that as a person with PR, YOU needed to ensure the baby's safety. You then tell him that that means no more unsupervised visits. I know someone like you ex- he has ADHD and just cannot preempt dangers and is very impulsive and reactive- and they're a fucking nightmare to be around. I feel like I have an extra child in their company as I feel compelled looking out for them and their safety as well as my DC's! As for people calling you highly-anxious- of course you fucking are! I challenge everyone not to be if they had an ex and father of their child like yours.

billy1966 · 18/08/2023 08:30

OP, you sound like a great mum but this man was unkind to you while pregnant and is a know it all idiot.

No way would I be giving him my child to experiment on.

Well done for having the sense to not put him on the BC.

From the way he twitters on about baby fan clubs, he sounds like a moron who has found a plaything.

I wouldn't allow him near any baby unsupervised.

Fraaahnces · 18/08/2023 08:32

Also, the online FA courses are utter shite. It’s very easy to skip through them and get the basic info you need to pass the test. They’re also largely geared for adults and he doesn’t seem smart enough to anticipate issues with your child’s safety or how to associate differences and similarities. (Ie car seat.)

As for him coming around all the time. It’s working(ish) now, but what about when/if you get a new partner? You’re not going to want him under your feet, making “his” territory. It’s too intrusive for you and not realistic for your baby.