Ex DP burnt my baby

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Hi all,

Some of you many remember me from my pp 'am I being unreasonable to reduce contact with ex mil'

Backstory- ex walked out on me when 8m pregnant, he was 'too stressed' as he thought I'm too anxious, I was anxious about how unhelpful and unkind and often unsafe and un thoughtful he was being which escalated during pregnancy.

He is not a risk averse person at all or a future planner, and doesn't go out of his way to inform himself of safety related things to eg read books about caring for a new born, he is also v arrogant and thinks his views are best eg ex doesn't wear suncream and is consistently sun burnt, doesn't have savings just wastes money etc etc.

(Bore off any 'why do women have babies with these men' posters please, I know, and also he was lovely charming and acted kind for a year before this all started)

I have been consistently giving him supervised by me Access to form a relationship with baby, despite my stress and heartbreak from breakup, and based on pp advice I had just started to feel comfortable that baby knows him and is happy to be with him, so he has done 4-5 outings with him alone (or somethings with his own mother too) with baby. It has been good to get a tiny bit of 'me time' finally in the week.

When he takes him out I remind him of everything I know he might forget like make sure you use straps if he's in a high chair, make sure you keep him out of direct sun or use the suncream I've packed, don't forget he is rolling over very quickly now so be careful if on high surfaces etc etc (to anyone who says this is too much- he literally doesn't think of stuff like this unless he's told and has no experience with babies other than visits to our son, I'd also rather patronize the ex than risk the baby is injured)

However, this week, my worst nightmare, 10 mins after ex took baby out I get a call that he has spilt a hot drink all over baby I can hear him screaming and crying. I tell him what to do first aid wise and rush to the cafe. Its awful looking hot red all over side and leg - I have to cuddle baby and put him back under cold tap (ex had taken him out after only 5 mins despite me saying keep him there) and got my dad to take him to hospital (ex obviously doesn't have a safe car seat installed). Thankfully it wasn't serious burn and he is ok (but clingy) today but he could have been so so badly injured.

Now - what do I do??? How can I ever feel safe leaving my baby with this moron again? I feel so guilty I didn't remind him this time about hot drinks but I can't preempt every thing- as he gets bigger it could be a road or a dangerous dog or a fireplace or something else scary and dangerous that he just wouldn't notice. Do I need to be there? (I hate spending time with the ex) How long until children are sensible enough in themselves I imagine not until around 7 years? Should I insist he is supervised by someone I think is sensible? Would that be seen as unreasonable? What would you all do in this situation?

He isn't on the BC so doesn't have parental responsibility at the moment.

Big red marks, screaming, advised to go to a and e, told first degree burn, could blister (didn't) narrowly missed burning his genitals (which could have been catastrophic) but didn't splash on them

What do you do?

You stop contact immediately.

NEVER LET YOUR BABY OUT WITH THIS MAN AGAIN.

If he wants contact he can take you to court for it. If he does this, you can petition the court to order him to parenting classes. Keep all records of the hospital trip.

@Themuffintop I've never heard him screaming so loud and so long and lokkkng at me with such a sad face.
The little scream they do when they get injections- it was like that for about 20 mins

Unless hand on heart you can say that you would never have an accident with your child, I don’t think this is means to stop contact.
Plenty of parents accidentally spill hot drinks (or worse) on their child.

If there had been multiple incidents then fine, but it appears that this was just an accident that could have happened with anyone.

No issue to worry about right now.

He is not on the BC so has no PR. He can do nothing without a court order. So no direct contact. You will send photos and updates once a week and thats it. When he kicks off you point out that social services will need to know that you are keeping DS safe and so you will do so until they tell you different.

Keep a log of all messages etc and photos of the injury plus DS's recovery. Engage with SS when they get in touch (as they should).

Then if he goes to court, you have all that in your corner to ensure supervised contact on the basis that he is not a safe parent.

I hear you, I guess it's just kind of confirmed my longstanding anxiousness that I don't think he's a safe and sensible person (which was a main tension when a couple) so I am really feeling like 'next time it could be so much worse it was just luck that it wasn't as bad as it could have been this time'

At least if we were still a living together couple I could be training him and teaching
Him and showing him stuff all the time, and also he would learn about baby like perhaps this week he can reach further than last week - he's know that if he lived with him as he'd have seen him reaching for his (safe) toys

I can't say I'd never have an accident but I think having an obvious one like that it unlikely. I am feeling really guilty that I didn't pre warm him about baby reaching more accurately recently but equally I think there is a point where the person caring has to have common sense as I can't pre empt eveything

He sounds dangerously stupid. Does he manage to hold down paid work?

I’d stop contact. It’s just too risky. Let him arrange mediation if he wants to, just step back and leave him to make arrangements for a contact centre or whatever. You won’t be enjoying down time in future, you’ll be on edge constantly about what he’s doing or not doing to a completely vulnerable infant because he’s too fucking idiotic to follow basic safety advice.

Well yes, but there is a massive difference between a parent who looks after their child 24/7 and has one accident and a man who fucked off and left his pregnant partner to bring up their child alone, swanning in once a week and not even thinking about its safety.

He wants a pet, a toy, something to show off, without actually doing any of the caring.

I think he has hopefully had a scare and will be extra cautious from now on. Thank god your baby wasn't hurt too badly. Do I think it makes him a bad parent? No. It was stupid, it wasn't intentional. His learning-to-parent will be slower than yours due to time spent with baby anyway. He sounds like he is trying to better himself, his isn't complacent.

I was in the identical situation parenting-wise OP with the exception that I did the breaking up. We co-parent 8 years on. He did a lot of stupid things. I did some stupid things. We have gone from a situation where, honestly, I felt very scathing towards him, to us being good friends. We even holiday together sometimes although not at all romantic. He is over two to three times a week.

Re. Hot drinks. Even after 8 years of being a parent, I was drinking a cup of tea, dd suddenly ran into the room and threw herself at me, the tea fortunately went all over me. Had it gone on her too, should I not be allowed involvement? When she was a baby, I once misjudged the balance of her carrycot and tipped her out on her head on a hard floor. Once, when she was 6, I was next to her in the pool, turned to speak to my friend and in that time, she whipped her armbands off and glugged under, the lifeguard called over and I got hold of her. She was testing the depth. Stupid things happen. Who has never had an accident with their child? The important word is once. You bet I tell her I've got a hot drink in advance and never take my eyes of her in the pool now.

I don’t think you should withdraw contact. I don’t know a single parent whose child hasn’t had at least one accident and yea after the event they have absolutely kicked themselves for doing something silly. Huge amounts of children pull over hot drinks. Luckily in most cases it misses them or leaves a very minor burn. Nappies are waterproof so I think the danger to genitals is actually quite low. If all children were taken away for an accident there wouldn’t be many still living with their parents…
obviously you want to feel safe, he’s trying to do the right thing with the first aid course. General parenting is usually covered by HV/ NCT classes/ Prenatal classes etc which he won’t have been to. I’d find him an alternative you’re happy with.

He's been fired once since I known him and previously been made redundant before 😫 when I met him he was unemployed but blamed the pandemic related redundancy

Yeah he did the first couple of prenatal classes that were all about giving birth, then we broke up before the 'looking after your relationship ' and 'maternal wellbeing' class 😫

@PyongyangKipperbang your second point - I do think there is a bit of this, all the fun and also he loves talking about baby he tells me how baby has a fan club in his office etc - he is basically more like a fun doting uncle

You do sounds very anxious, OP. What other people do you have in your life who can take baby every so often?
Having some down time for you is so important.

Only really my parents but I can't ask them too often as they are old and do a lot for me as it is. There is also the difference in guilt levels- when I ask them I feel I'm asking a favour whereas when it was the ex it was his responsibility so no guilt from me

Ps yes I am so anxious now! It's frustrating as has just got to a good place where I was beginning to trust him and have a bit of me time, and now this has happened I'm anxious about harm coming to baby but also anxious about having little or no me time for the foreseeable future 😩

Re nappy- I had learned in first aid course that I did that, surprisingly to me, nappies get hotter and hotter so keeping them on is dangerous if hot water is spilt as they can damage genitals. He luckily did immediately remove clothes and nappy even before calling me as he could feel it had got hot.

OP I do understand.
I think you should treat this as a genuine accident and try to move past it.
Hightened anxiety is normal. Truly it is.

Parenting courses, etc… I don’t think other commenters understand. USM has said that this guy thinks he knows best. He doesn’t care. That’s why she has to tell him the same information over & over. It’s so frustrating… My DH is the same. Goes mad at me “telling him what to do” or controlling him. As if I want to be telling him.
If he would simply do things the right way (no, not my way). Small things like washing navy bottles properly. Cleaning babies bum properly. It’s exhausting for mum to do / think of bloody everything… imagine having to tell daddy not to sit baby beside a hot drink? Not your mar fault USM!

Crazy comments. Accidents happen, I know more than one parent this has happened to and their children weren’t taken off them no ss involvement nothing! No parenting courses 🙄 It’s an accident! He didn’t throw it over the child! If you posted this saying it happened in your care everyone would be reassuring you it’s an accident and it happens. The fact your refer to the child as my baby is very telling.

Oh you've just reminded me of an argument we had pre baby and pre break up when he said he thought all this sterilizing was ridiculous and it would be better for baby to have exposure to some germs to build an immune system. NOT FOR A NEW BORN YOU WOULD KNOW THIS IF YOU LISTENED TO ACTUAL EXPERTS OR READ A BOOK ABOUT BABIES I replied.

I think it's that he is so useless at safety and risk assessment in general (as described in my posts) it's the feeling of not being surprised and not feeling like this is a one off and feeling what next when there is a road or a sharp object or a high up cliff etc etc etc - he just doesn't think ahead

He actually sat your baby on the table? The same table the hot drink was on? It wasn't that the baby was on his knee and still managed to reach the drink? That's more than an accident, it's at the very best idiotically stupid carelessness, and at worst bordering on neglect. Most accidental scalds are much more "there but for the grace of god go I" than that.

Yup he sat him up on facing him I guess so they were eye level - seen him do it before on park Bench (without coffees!) as a way to chat to him so I can picture exactly what he means, coffee was therefore knocked into babys hip side and thigh

What does it tell? That I'm the only one parenting?