Ex DP burnt my baby

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Hi all,

Some of you many remember me from my pp 'am I being unreasonable to reduce contact with ex mil'

Backstory- ex walked out on me when 8m pregnant, he was 'too stressed' as he thought I'm too anxious, I was anxious about how unhelpful and unkind and often unsafe and un thoughtful he was being which escalated during pregnancy.

He is not a risk averse person at all or a future planner, and doesn't go out of his way to inform himself of safety related things to eg read books about caring for a new born, he is also v arrogant and thinks his views are best eg ex doesn't wear suncream and is consistently sun burnt, doesn't have savings just wastes money etc etc.

(Bore off any 'why do women have babies with these men' posters please, I know, and also he was lovely charming and acted kind for a year before this all started)

I have been consistently giving him supervised by me Access to form a relationship with baby, despite my stress and heartbreak from breakup, and based on pp advice I had just started to feel comfortable that baby knows him and is happy to be with him, so he has done 4-5 outings with him alone (or somethings with his own mother too) with baby. It has been good to get a tiny bit of 'me time' finally in the week.

When he takes him out I remind him of everything I know he might forget like make sure you use straps if he's in a high chair, make sure you keep him out of direct sun or use the suncream I've packed, don't forget he is rolling over very quickly now so be careful if on high surfaces etc etc (to anyone who says this is too much- he literally doesn't think of stuff like this unless he's told and has no experience with babies other than visits to our son, I'd also rather patronize the ex than risk the baby is injured)

However, this week, my worst nightmare, 10 mins after ex took baby out I get a call that he has spilt a hot drink all over baby I can hear him screaming and crying. I tell him what to do first aid wise and rush to the cafe. Its awful looking hot red all over side and leg - I have to cuddle baby and put him back under cold tap (ex had taken him out after only 5 mins despite me saying keep him there) and got my dad to take him to hospital (ex obviously doesn't have a safe car seat installed). Thankfully it wasn't serious burn and he is ok (but clingy) today but he could have been so so badly injured.

Now - what do I do??? How can I ever feel safe leaving my baby with this moron again? I feel so guilty I didn't remind him this time about hot drinks but I can't preempt every thing- as he gets bigger it could be a road or a dangerous dog or a fireplace or something else scary and dangerous that he just wouldn't notice. Do I need to be there? (I hate spending time with the ex) How long until children are sensible enough in themselves I imagine not until around 7 years? Should I insist he is supervised by someone I think is sensible? Would that be seen as unreasonable? What would you all do in this situation?

He isn't on the BC so doesn't have parental responsibility at the moment.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum YANBU. Most parents I know don’t have careless accidents that harm or injure their baby. As a parent myself I never accidentally harmed my baby from careless avoidable accidents.

I also educated myself because I love my dc.

It’s a good step that he is taking a 1st aid course. Hopefully this incident was a wake up call.

Hopefully he’ll be open to a parenting course. They are for anyone who wants to learn more. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent to need a parenting course. Maybe he’ll be more open to a parenting course if you do it too.

I hope your baby is alright now. 💐

I don’t know what to advise really. He needs to take some initiative and go to parenting classes or whatever social services advise parents they step in with. Lacking common sense isn’t that unique but he needs to take steps to address his shortcomings. To me, it seems like a stupid idea to sit a baby on a table next to any drink let alone a drink of scalding temperature. A baby is likely to accidentally knock anything off a table, drinks spilling will make a mess, and hot drinks can cause injury. I don’t have much experience with babies either so it’s not like I’m coming from decades of experience. I wouldn’t sit my MacBook next to a hot drink let alone a baby!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Here is a link to a fact sheet about safety around the home. It’s from the Royal Children’s Hospital safety centre (a resource for parents).

https://www.rch.org.au/kidsinfo/fact_sheets/Safety_Around_the_home/

Who sits a small baby next to a hot cup of coffee? It may have been an accident if you define accident as the opposite of deliberate, but it was caused by stupidity.

Supervised contact only in a contact centre - simple. The bloke needs help as he is clearly a safety risk to the baby. You can’t allow
this to continue , as you are placing your baby at risk.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
A few more fact sheets that might be helpful:

Fact sheets on safety

www.rch.org.au/kidsinfo/fact_sheets/Burns_prevention_and_first_aid/

www.rch.org.au/kidsinfo/fact_sheets/Safety_Backyards_and_playgrounds/

https://www.rch.org.au/kidsinfo/fact_sheets/Safety_Bath_time/

Did you take your child to the dr for documentation?

If he accidentally split it on baby then I would say yes accidents do happen but surely it is common sense not to sit a baby who grabs things right next to a boiling hot cup of coffee

@Unexpectedlysinglemum .... "he literally doesn't think of stuff like this unless he's told and has no experience with babies other than visits to our son, I'd also rather patronize the ex than risk the baby is injured)"

If this is true, why the hell did you allow him to look after the baby without supervision??!

Spilt*

Please OP listen to NewSw19

Some parents from our NCT class were interviewed at v great length etc when their baby of a similar age grabbed a drink. Someone told me at the time that burning/scalding incidents are v worrying from the perspective of a health care/safeguarding professional. The reason being that this is because with a very young child the cause of a burn is almost always going to deliberate or negligent.

Your exP really need to understand how serious this is. I’m not sure parenting courses etc are going to be enough to address the potential risks here - you’ve admitted that he’s arrogant and a risk taker - these factors don’t bode well.

More like no common sense who sits a baby on a table FFS?

Very sensible of him. These things do unfortunately happen, though not to me thank god. A teacher in my sons reception class did this to a child, she left her just made hot tea within reach, in a classroom. This was about 12 years ago though.

Does everyone not do this? You sit them on the table and hold their little hands to have a chat/sing/play. Did this daily.

I dont know what to advise OP, but sympathise as to how worrying this must be. Why doesnt he have a proper car seat? Have you confronted him about this point? I would be wanting this addressed too before he had DC again.

Maybe you initiating mediation pro actively to try to agree on what actions he will take to get the knowledge he needs would be a productive way to handle this. Would give you a neutral forum to get issues like car seats, water play and other higher risk activities on the table without you having to be the “bad guy”.

I think most parents have a hot drink - close call story either their own or grandparent, uncle, aunt.

Good luck you have a lot of coparenting years ahead of you.

I’m in the minority but I think you’re being harsh. He’s a first time parent - mistakes happen. It doesn’t sound like he was deliberately negligent, no doubt he’s kicking himself for what happened to your son also. There will likely come a point where your son may be harmed in your care with a legitimate accident - with all the will in the world we can’t predict everything and you can’t wrap your son in bubble wrap forever, when that time comes I’m sure you’ll appreciate him not being a dick about it and making you feel worse. It certainly isn’t grounds to stop contact, the long term impact of stopping contact with his Dad would be far more damaging than alleged safeguarding concerns (by the way as a social worker I can say it’s highly unlikely an accident like this would warrant a referral let alone a follow up unless the hospital thought foul play was involved). It sounds like you’re doing a good job of facilitating contact as it is but I do think you need to breathe a bit - no doubt your son will go to nursery eventually and you can’t pre-empt everything.

Honestly Sweetie, you sound like an amazing mum. You are responsible, thorough and clearly very intelligent. Knowing that nappies increase the heat because they absorb so much fluid is something they don’t teach in first aid courses here in Aus. (I teach First Aid and I always make a point of adding this, because babies are often burnt, unfortunately.) I suspect your ex is a really lazy thinker. I imagine he’s always had his mum or you doing the thinking for him, and that way he always has an excuse when he has to do it himself. It’s great that he’s doing First Aid now, but he really should have done it while you were pregnant.Parenting in hindsight isn’t good parenting, it’s covering up for your inadequacies. I think if you two got back together, you’d feel like you had a baby and a toddler to parent, and you wouldn’t be able to trust him anyway. I also think that him staying at your place is unreasonable. This needs to stop. It’s intrusive and doesn’t really give you a break. I am certain that there are both paediatric first aid courses AND parenting classes he could access if it meant enough to him, but once more, he’s leaving it up to other people to research and organise. I think you do need supervised visits and to possibly move away from him so that it is less convenient to come and show off his pet baby.

1. I think it is good that you are facilitating contact.
2. I think it is healthy for you to have some respite too.
3. Accidents do happen. My second daughter did a similar thing on my watch. I was fortunate like yours it was not more serious.
4. I haven't read your other thread but can your ex's mum, your MIL, not host the access visits?

This isn’t negligence it is ingrained stupidity and quite frankly you can’t trust him with something as previous as your baby
Sitting him next to a hot cup of coffee this time

What next, not holding on to child as he crosses the road
Leaving the pan handle sticking out when he is boiling peas

Taking non swimming child to the local pool and leaving the child in the pool whilst he goes to get his goggles from the locker

There are genuine accidents and then there is stupidity and no parenting course in the world is going to teach him to spot every single danger.

I really don’t think that some people should have supervision of their children because they are an accident waiting to happen.

I wouldn't give him access (without you present) while the child is this vulnerable. He sounds totally incompetent.

Trust your instincts.

I hope your baby makes a quick recovery.

If you want to facilitate contact but don't want to supervise, it might be worth looking into family contact centres. There are a few where you can self refer and pay for supervised contact sessions. You could tell babies father that he can have contact if he self refers and pays for each visit. The ones near me still do observations if you self refer. Just not to social services level of detail. It might also help you move forward if ex is told by a professional hes not perfect.

I hope you have taken your baby to A&E. Burns in small children need to be seen by A&E (I speak from experience).