Baby changing room etiquette

[Orange53]

Two questions:

1. If you’re changing one child in a public changing room and the room contains two changing stations and a sink (nothing else) and the door is lockable, do you lock it? (assuming there’s no one else waiting while you’re there and you’re using it for a standard nappy change taking about 3-5 mins)
2. If you’re waiting for the room because another mum has locked it, do you say anything to her about why she locked it when she comes out?

I wouldn't have locked it, and would be mighty peed off waiting outside for someone that had. I'd probably be too British to say anything, but yeah I'd have been annoyed.

She shouldn't have been rude but we never know what's going on with other people, she didn't know your wife was struggling but you don't know what's going on with her either. Maybe she was in a rush, maybe her baby has a terrible nappy rash and leaving them dirty was going to do more damage (my son had this once and if we didn't change him literally straight away his rash would be even more of a mess), maybe she was just having a bad day with her own child or parenting?

I wouldn't have locked it with my first, but would have with second to stop the toddler wondering off.

I don't think anyone should be questioning anyone else on how they chose to use the facilities.

I can think of reasons for why there would be two changing tables (a big family using the room, friends who don’t mind changing their babies together), but no reason for why there would be a lock if you’re not allowed to use it.

No one has said the lock should never be used, there are lots of reasons not to. But with a newborn who wasn't going anywhere it would have been better not to lock it. Not a big deal, you'll know for next time. She was probably also having a stressful day and not at her best.

no reason for why there would be a lock if you’re not allowed to use it.
Etiquette and whether you will piss people off or not isn't about what is "allowed". This isn't a legal point.

It is just a fact that occupying a room solo for no obvious reason and causing people to be held up annoy them.

Of course you're "allowed" to. Same as you are "allowed" to hog a table for 6 people when you are only 1 person when smaller tables are free. There's no rule. But it is poor etiquette and will annoy others.

We’re both on maternity leave for the first six months - neither of us is the “main mum” and work well together to give each other time to ourselves when we need it. That’s not a problem we have at all.

Just one of us changing the nappy would have just meant we took longer.

I just meant it as a suggestion to ease it a bit - it's something I found helpful as if DH was off changing a nappy then I was definitely off duty for those few minutes which was welcome. A nappy change on a non-mobile baby doesn't take two people, so capitalise on that and give one of you a few minutes off.

There is a reason to lock the door though - for privacy, just as much as if it were an adult going to the toilet. It was a tiny room and we would never have felt comfortable sharing it with a stranger. There were other changing facilities available nearby and we were there less than 5 minutes.

That's fine then. You wanted to lock the door for privacy. Lots of others wouldn't be bothered about that so wouldn't. So lots of us would be annoyed that you did.

Doesn't make you or your wife wrong, doesn't make those of us annoyed at waiting unnecessarily wrong. Nobody should be shouting or huffing at anyone but you asked if it was bad etiquette. I think it is. But if your desire for privacy trumps etiquette that's totally fine. You just need to be a bit thicker-skinned if it annoys someone else who shows it and own how you prefer to do things.

Think you've nailed it here.

I think it's fine when everything is still new and your baby is tiny. You want a bit of space and privacy.

But once you've figured out how to be out in public with your baby then only one parent is needed to change a nappy and you should be willing to share the space with other parents and babies.

I wouldn’t lock it, why would you? The design of 2 tables is obviously so 2 parents can use it at once because I don’t think twins accompanied by 2 parents is common enough to be the thought process. When you lock it’s just deliberately trying to inconvenience another mum. And privacy?! Wtf it’s another mum and baby! Have you never changed your baby somewhere where there isn’t a lockable baby change? Car boot, park bench, on the floor of the ladies when there isn’t a table… Will your baby go to nursery and be changed by nursery staff in front of other nursery staff and the other babies? What if they need a wee in the park when they’re potty training? Sorry but I just don’t get it and think it’s really strange! Ditto 2 adults to change a baby though, talk about unnecessary! And how would that be quicker? Babies are small, only one person can wipe at once. Again, I don’t get it. We just take turns, same as all the other parents we know.

I still wouldn’t have said anything to you though, too British, but I’d be very annoyed at needlessly having to wait.

Yes @DappledThings has it.

Lots of reasons to lock the door, lots of reasons someone might be annoyed by it. Such is life.

Has your wife spoken to your midwife/HV about her anxiety? That might help. In future, she knows that she can lock it but people might be annoyed (irrationally), or she can leave it unlocked to avoid conflict.

Maybe next time, to help ease your wife into going out and using spaces like that, you could go in with her/stand outside?

I wouldn’t lock the door to a nappy changing room with two changing stations in as it’s obviously meant for more than one person. Not sure I’ve seen any like that though. Think I’ve only used ones that are single occupancy and/or have an adult toilet in too. Then I do lock them.

I wouldn’t say anything to someone who had locked a double occupancy one, though might give them an annoyed look if they’d taken ages, though may then feel guilty about said annoyed look if the other person looked quite flustered coming out of the changing room.

I don't think it would have crossed my mind to lock it. Why on earth would you?

I think you're getting some really harsh responses here. I hope the experience didn't ruin the whole day for your wife.

I would just think there had been a poo explosion and be grateful I wasn't in there with you having to deal with it. Most places we go though only have one changing station so often we have to queue. There are a lot of impatient people here.

Also 2 people really did speed up changes in the early days. One person can wrap and bin the dirties while the other fastens clean on, and then redress while the other is washing hands. Just makes it more efficient.

I don't think I'd lock it unless it looked like a room which was obviously too small for 2 changes to happen at once, which I imagine would be strange if there were 2 changing tables installed.

If there was a specific reason to lock the door - perhaps a huge mess needing assistance from someone else with baby in a too small room, or like you say, anxious mother struggling with it all. Sure, lock the door! I would not shout or huff at anyone locking the door meaning I had to wait, but I might wonder if the changing facility was closed or out of service if it's usually open door.

I've just re-read your first post and it brought back so many memories from those early days.
I hope she's doing ok.

I remember feeling so stressed and anxious when I was out with my baby, people not being kind really does tip you over the edge doesn't it.

I wish people could stop and think about what that person may be going through on the receiving end of their huff/strop and the impact it may have on them.

Queuing to use a locked multiple occupancy changing room with a toddler and baby only to see two people come out with a newborn I would definitely have been pissed off however if you were only five minutes I wouldn't have said anything. You'll soon see but five minutes standing still with a loose toddler and baby both of whom need a fresh nappy is pretty hard work!

No and no. I wouldn't have said anything, I'd have assumed you had your reasons.

Whether I'd be annoyed/upset would depend on how long you took. If you were fairly quick, I wouldn't care. But then this would apply even if there was only one changing table, I suppose - I always try to be quick if I can hear someone else outside. Some babies, especially teething ones, can get very bad nappy rash if left in a dirty nappy for any length of time and really do need to be changed as soon as possible to stop them becoming sore.

Really hope your wife is ok.

I've never come across a set up like that, and whether I locked the door would depend on whether I noticed the lock or noticed that there were two changing tables. Tbh though, I think that's beside the point: the first (many) times going out with a new baby are hard. They just are, for many reasons. You just have to keep at it, start small, try to get in to a routine and find places that you feel safe. It will get better.

Sending positive thoughts your way x

If more than 1 changing table it's obvious they expect more than one baby to be changed at once. I saw a lady with boisterous toddler twins and a new baby who locked one but I just thought she was keeping twins from running off while she changed her newborn.

I suspect if your baby was outside, potentially covered in poo and crying, you'd have felt annoyed if you'd been made to wait longer than necessary.

I wouldn't have said anything as there could be a legitimate reason for you locking it, but I wouldn't have been happy. Its very poor etiquette.

By good reason for locking it, I mean things like:

-poonami that also got you, meaning you changed your clothes too.

• an escape prone second child
• a child that is much older and need changing, but might actually want some privacy. For example my SN 4yo, who I wouldn't clean up in front of strangers as it's not fair to her.
• friends using it together/twins, so it's still occupancy already.