Would you give up your job to try and make your home a happier one for your children?

[Muminthewest]

Would you give up a part time job to spend the hours your children (age 8 and 5) are at school, ensuring your family life is set up to be the calmest and happiest for a better future for you all?

So in place of paid work, you would aim for:

-all the weekly running of the house, although dull, would be done
-your home to be cleaner and clearer
-you would focus on your health (going for walks, making better & healthier meals for everyone)
-doing every drop off/pick up/club so your husband doesn’t need to fit his 9-5 job round the school day
-feeling set up to be the calm in your own and your family’s storm when they need it
-able to focus on their homework with them because nothing else is distracting you
-having time to do a 5/10/15 year future plan as the children grown up and move away and you inevitably want to go back to work, contributing to society and using your skills again
-doing home repairs
-all planning and logistics needed for the whole family
-etc.

Basically easing everything so you, your husband and your children have the opportunity to feel as happy as you can be.
I would still give the children age appropriate chores and expect them to do their homework, I will just have better capacity to run this approach.

Extra information:

• You and your husband both struggle badly with your mental health and are currently at (or beyond?) capacity
• Due to money from a (awful) death in the family, you own your own home (no mortgage, only bills)

Do you think your mental health would be better or worse if you left the job?

You could also consider buying in extra help at home/baby sitting/ meal prepped healthy ready meals etc

Also look at dr Jess Taylor's work on insta.

Is it your mental health that's the problem
Or is it the massive stress you're under due to carrying all the mental load at home and doing all the house work on top of a full time job?

I have done this.

We are absolutely all less stressed as a result. I am no longer resentful about working plus carrying all the mental and most of the domestic load. I am still resentful that I didn’t have the option of sharing the mental/domestic load equally while we were both working, though.

I am glad I had a career before stopping work but I did it for 15 odd years and that was enough. I am keen to forge a different career once the DC are a bit older, we shall see if that works. I don’t miss my old career. I tried going back for a year but DC1 has SN and wasn’t doing brilliantly without me there to “manage” her, I was missing out on things I’d enjoyed while off work like exercise and cooking nice meals, and I wasn’t enjoying it enough for that to be worth it.

I’m lucky enough to have other intelligent SAHM or part time working women as friends, and plenty on my to do list, so I’m not bored. If I get bored I can explore re-training, more volunteering, adult education, there are lots of options.

I’m also lucky in that I will be ok financially even if we were to split. Yes it would be galling that DH would have far better career prospects than me but that was already the case before I stopped work (since I’d gone supposedly part time) and was in a less well paid industry.

I think an awful lot depends on your financial position tbh and your need and ability to get back into work if you want/need to later.

watersprites
@stayathomer I guess it really depends on your job/working hours/commute. I just don't agree that not working = fantastic social life.
I agree-totally depends for each household- Just saying I’d be able to see her point especially in a house wheee hours vary so weekends aren’t necessarily free

My dh supports us all.

So why would you be expected to fund childcare from your wage?

Sorry I meant that we wouldn’t be any better off if I did work. If I was offered a job I wanted to do my dh would help me make it happen. But I don’t want to put my kids in care to do a job I really don’t want to do and not earn anything.

Yes absolutely would

Exactly, it's one thing to say you would sacrifice your current flexibility to e.g. bring in a boost to the household income to enable your child to continue an expensive passion or go to private school or something. And one thing to say that you want to pursue a career in a low-paid industry because it's your passion. But if you don't want to do it just for itself, and it doesn't result in net additional income, it's pointless.

All these posts/replies are amazing. I’ve read every one. Thanks for all the direct replies to my OP.

As some people have said, everyone’s situation is different. It’s great to read that some SAHP’s are loving it, and others in paid work are also loving it.

Comments about financial security, how the decision would affect my husband, and the importance of prioritising MH all resonated with me.

I’m leaning more towards keeping my PT job. It’s low pay (so low that I’m not sure I pay NI contributions, I will look into this now) but I have a small pension to go with another one I already have, conditions are great - my duties are simple and I know I’m valued by my line manager for my capability and dependability, and I’m part of an organisation I care about and can move around in. I will be able to step up from my role more easily in the future when I’m ready to do more.

Our collective home MH is not good though. This is actually our main issue now…

It sounds like you actually enjoy your job(regardless of wage) so it would be a shame to completely pack it in. Can you go even more part time if you really need the break?

What's actually going on at home? Anything that can be changed or dropped? Are your priorities sorted, or too stressful? Are the MH issues something therapy or medication could help with, so you're on a more even keel?

If your collective home MH isn't good, but you enjoy your work, you feel valued and it sounds like it's in an organisation which benefits society, it seems strange that you're considering jacking it in.

Surely it would make more sense to look at other options such as your dh also working part time, or outsourcing more of the mundane tasks like cleaning, ironing?

Suited Dh perfectly to come to a tidy house with dinner in the oven, he would have hated the domestic chores, it gave him lots more time to be with kids too, instead of doing house stuff after a long day. Weekends are just fun stuff as everything has been done during the week. He was perfectly happy to be important at work and relax completely with no stress at home. It suited everyone especially the children, who could go to their tennis lessons and other activities after school as they weren’t stuck in wrap around care until early evening every day.

This. I’m a univ lecturer and would not have been able to walk back into my job. Even if I worked somewhere where it would be possible, I would have gone mad doing all the domestic stuff while DH got to pursue a career and ended up very resentful. Part time worked for us. First 3 days, later on 4(0.8 and can mean going in 5 days as I’m on the management scale, but I have less teaching & marking).

I know two women who became SAHM after may leave. Both regretted it. In one case the marriage ended in divorce and she is very angry that she gave up a career to facilitate his.