Would you give up your job to try and make your home a happier one for your children?

[Muminthewest]

Would you give up a part time job to spend the hours your children (age 8 and 5) are at school, ensuring your family life is set up to be the calmest and happiest for a better future for you all?

So in place of paid work, you would aim for:

-all the weekly running of the house, although dull, would be done
-your home to be cleaner and clearer
-you would focus on your health (going for walks, making better & healthier meals for everyone)
-doing every drop off/pick up/club so your husband doesn’t need to fit his 9-5 job round the school day
-feeling set up to be the calm in your own and your family’s storm when they need it
-able to focus on their homework with them because nothing else is distracting you
-having time to do a 5/10/15 year future plan as the children grown up and move away and you inevitably want to go back to work, contributing to society and using your skills again
-doing home repairs
-all planning and logistics needed for the whole family
-etc.

Basically easing everything so you, your husband and your children have the opportunity to feel as happy as you can be.
I would still give the children age appropriate chores and expect them to do their homework, I will just have better capacity to run this approach.

Extra information:

• You and your husband both struggle badly with your mental health and are currently at (or beyond?) capacity
• Due to money from a (awful) death in the family, you own your own home (no mortgage, only bills)

Yes, I would. But my job is very stressful currently and I have many outside interests that would keep me amused. I doubt I’d get bored although I’m in my 40’s. In my 20’s and 30’s work was much more important to me and I probably needed it.

Depends whether you’d enjoy it.
I can see the theory but I know I wouldn’t be happy and would feel I lacked purpose. There’s no way a full week is needed to do all that stuff so I personally get a lot out of working in terms of feeling fulfilled and the social side and using my brain! I’d be too afraid of sinking into depression (I lack motivation and can get melancholy by myself and without structure) and there’s a danger I’d spend all day eating and watching Tv, procrastinating all the tedious and menial tasks that needed doing, and beating myself up about not being at peak fitness, not having a pristine home and not providing healthy nutritious home cooked dinners and having no excuse since I have plenty of time.

I did.

I had a high stress job my mum was very ill. My grandfather was end of life and my son disabled. I couldn't do it all so I gave up work.it helped massively as it allowed me to do what I needed it was the best thing for my family. I work 10 hours a week now and carry most of the mental load/house /child responsibilities . It works for us.

I gave up part time work when we relocated. It was impossible to commute (4 hour round trip on a good day) so I would have had to look for a new job anyway, but as finances allowed we agreed I would stay home for a while. I must admit that the house was much happier and calmer. My husband being able to focus on just work and then enjoying his time at home helped him mentally, and I wanted to be around for the kids as much as possible as I knew settling into a new school with new friends would be very unsettling for them. They were 7 and 5 at the time. We didn't have any family nearby to help so was so much easier when either of them were poorly and for doing all school runs etc, and I did spend a lot more time on myself (gym etc). It was great at the time, but I did get restless after a while and created my own business so that I still had a lot of flexibility but did work.
They are now 12 and 14 and I'm back at full time work. I don't regret having the time off at all, but I'm also happy I returned to work when and how I did. I am much more fulfilled now I'm earning my own money again

Are your DCs sons or daughters?

It's not ideal either way for the messaging to be "mum stays at home domestically while dad earns all the money" but if you are raising girls then it's an especially limiting way to model adult life to them.

Can you buy in help with cleaning and decluttering and keep doing some work hours, to make the transition back to work easier once you're feeling calmer?

For me no. I worked very hard for my career, and we like the second income. We just keep juggling the balls.

Absolutely not. It certainly wouldn’t make my home a happier one.

Your post really resonated with me, I understand exactly what you are describing and regularly ask myself the same question.

I worked PT when kids were younger - now they are two teens and a tween I am back to FT in a demanding role and to be honest I find it really hard. We're very fortunate to be financially comfortable and outsource what we can (cleaner etc) but that just feels like the tip of the iceberg. Although older children are less physically demanding, they still (rightly) need lots of our time and everything feels like a compromise and teetering on the edge of chaos.

I can't see myself actually taking the plunge and giving up work, but I do wonder if I'll look back and wish I'd made a different decision. I guess the reality is that there is no perfect choice.

If we could afford it, I would love to do this. Even though I love my career. We adopted our son and will only have him so I would love to be able to spend all this time with him, attending every school event, keeping the house, going the gym etc. Although, my DH would still like come to school events and things!

You have lots of reasons for doing it. What are your reasons for not doing it? I’d ask yourself if these genuine or are you possibly catastrophising at all?

How do you think you’ll feel about not will the benefits of you not working outweigh this?

There are lots of options maybe right a list of positives and negatives of each one.

eg

• Cutting down (you or you + husband) hours at work rather than quitting?
• Taking on a job that has less stress and responsibility may ease general stress
• Hire home help - cleaning, ironing, meals delivered etc
• Ask for unpaid leave, take sick leave - take time to get some help in place, have a good clear out, go on holiday

You can build a life you love AND work but equally there’s nothing wrong with quitting work if you want to and can afford to. Practically make sure you keep paying your NI contributions and also contribute to a private pension, if you think you may need the money in future. Also take into account any risks of relying on your husband for money, and how that may affect the relationship dynamic.

Agree with MrsHazel. The term 'climbing the greasy pole' is derogatory of parents who work. Paying bills, putting food on the table and securing a roof over the head and putting aside savings is as much about parenting as changing nappies, cooking meals and helping with homework.

Why is it ok for some women to leave their dhs to 'climb the greasy pole' but they themselves are meant for better things or a 'peaceful life'. The same women will justify by saying their husbands just 'love working' by dint of having penises.

If your husband struggles badly with his mental health, I'd be concerned how he'd cope with the pressure of being the sole earner.

For me, absolutely not. I’m much happier working, I need a part of me that’s separate from my house, husband and kids. I’m more secure knowing that I’m not financially dependent, both now and for the future.

But, it sounds like you need this, or something like it. Could you negotiate part time? Or even both part time? What about a career break? Take a year purposefully out of work, keep up with some volunteering or studying so that it’s fairly easy to go back in to work if that’s what’s best for you.

My number one reason against it would be that women make themselves so so financially vulnerable when they give up work. Every husband can change, even if you can’t imagine it.

Yes. In a heartbeat.

100% this. I’m old school, but life was so much easier and pleasant back in the day when most families had a stay at home parent. You only have to read the threads on here, everyone is frazzled, over worked, no time for a decent home life, just a hamster wheel that no one can get off. No downtime as the paid working day stops and the unpaid working day starts, it’s relentless. Nobody gets to their death bed and and says I wish I’d worked harder, it’s more I wish I’d had more fun and family time.

No way, I have zero urge to be unemployed, plus I think being unemployed sets a poor example to children.

I'm not sure having a bored mother stuck at home and not in employment is going to make children any happier. I had one of those, and it made her narrow-minded and judgemental. Kids don't care whether your skirting boards are clean, they want parents connected to the real world.

Do you only choose to parent if you become a SAHM?.

Yes, without a moment's hesitation. I have my whole life to climb the career ladder. But my kids will be small for such a short time, and once that time is gone, it's gone.

Will you be swapping with your dh so he also gets a chance to have fun and family time?

It worked for a year before I was demented

OP, only do it if it makes you happy to make everyone else happy. Just realise you are giving up a lot of yourself to be other people's skivvy. It may not seem like it at first but once the family settles into its new rhythms you will start to be taken for granted. Try to do something for yourself that is separate from the family.

Personally, I wouldn't (and I say 'personally' because I think there isn't an obvious right answer here).

My experience has some parallels to yours. 18 months ago DP and I agreed I'd not go back to full time work, because my mental health was appalling, and because we felt stretched too thin over housework and giving DD what she needed. I took what was meant to be a low-stress part-time job, working 9-3 for 3 days a week. The idea was that these hours would allow me to pick DD up from school every day, and I'd be relaxed.

Oh, and I also thought I'd do all the DIY we (badly) need to do.

For me, the pros have been a lot of what you describe. I love being able to pick up DD from school each day; I love that I can just take a day off work if I need to when she's ill or during school holidays. I love that I can rush out of work at no notice if I need to, and I'm 5 minutes away. I don't mind that the DIY responsibility has fallen more heavily onto me.

But, rightly or wrongly, my little part-time job just sucked me in - I can't imagine not having that social interaction, or that sense of security in building a pension. And I very rapidly found I was keen to work longer hours. I think it's quite hard to stay out of work.

I don't think it'd ever work for one partner to take charge of all the boring stuff - it's soul destroying. I think even if you severely reduce your hours, having a small amount of work might be a good idea?

No, I think taking on all that unpaid work and giving up paid work, is avoiding the real issue.
Your mental health is the real issue. You are ill, go off sick and don't make any big decisions until you feel well again. Concentrate on your health not fixing the house. ( I'm not suggesting that you need a justification to give up paid work either. I'd dump it in a heartbeat if I could afford to)

Yes, why not assuming the finances worked out?

I would probably prioritise having formal volunteering commitments (I'd basically put in more time into existing orgs I volunteer with already) to maintain connections with people in the adult world and have something to point to if asked what I did.

But I wouldn't care about modelling "bad messages" to my daughter. I've already had an interesting corporate career that I would tell her about even if I never went back, and volunteering/community work/board of directors work is just as important and I'd love to model that to her as well.