Would you give up your job to try and make your home a happier one for your children?

[Muminthewest]

Would you give up a part time job to spend the hours your children (age 8 and 5) are at school, ensuring your family life is set up to be the calmest and happiest for a better future for you all?

So in place of paid work, you would aim for:

-all the weekly running of the house, although dull, would be done
-your home to be cleaner and clearer
-you would focus on your health (going for walks, making better & healthier meals for everyone)
-doing every drop off/pick up/club so your husband doesn’t need to fit his 9-5 job round the school day
-feeling set up to be the calm in your own and your family’s storm when they need it
-able to focus on their homework with them because nothing else is distracting you
-having time to do a 5/10/15 year future plan as the children grown up and move away and you inevitably want to go back to work, contributing to society and using your skills again
-doing home repairs
-all planning and logistics needed for the whole family
-etc.

Basically easing everything so you, your husband and your children have the opportunity to feel as happy as you can be.
I would still give the children age appropriate chores and expect them to do their homework, I will just have better capacity to run this approach.

Extra information:

• You and your husband both struggle badly with your mental health and are currently at (or beyond?) capacity
• Due to money from a (awful) death in the family, you own your own home (no mortgage, only bills)

I would do it OP if the following applied:

• we had plenty of money and savings so no huge financial pressure on DH especially as he has MH issues as this could exacerbate this
• a career or job I could easily go back to after a few years out
• a private pension that was still be paid into monthly by DH

For me I love my job and work part time but ultimately it comes down to money, not even money now because we pay lots in childcare but pensions and comfort as we get older. I want to build savings so I can give me kids a (small!) financial springboard to start in life. I want my own income so I am independent and if anything were to happen to DH or divorce I would manage. I want a comfortable retirement where I can travel and do nice things rather than living on a shoestring.

To all those saying you don't want to give your DC the idea that women are relegated to housework etc

Do you have any concerns that you are going to give your DC the idea that household management and actively working on community bonds are worthless activities?

Part of the reason why a lot of women struggle with juggling everything is because they’ve internalised that they are supposed to be able to “have it all” but society never told men that they’d have to step up and help to facilitate this.

oh my god yes. This.

feeling set up to be the calm in your own and your family’s storm when they need it

This is the cringiest thing I've read in a good while

the whole post sounds like a repulsively sexist job description for a wife written by "Victorian Dad"

No I don’t

Not at all. Why would that be?

It will give DC the correct understanding that household management is just life admin that people fit around work and do without any drama.

No. Too many SAHMs get screwed over mightily.

Yes I would, and we did.

We took it in turns to be the SAHP and it made life much more enjoyable.

Quality of life is very important.

We're both working now the.kids are older.

@orangeleavesinautumn I never implied that. I think that's more about you feeling defensive than my views.

No.

It will give DC the idea that it is perfectly possible to manage that and a career, especially when it shared between both parents.

I do my best to do "pro-social" activities like calling up lonely neighbours, visiting the elderly, community volunteering, running errands for people who need help...

... But realistically I have a full time job with long hours and I can only do this for say a couple hours on a weekend. If I were a SAHM I would have considerably more time for these kinds of activities and I would see them as my purpose. They would be much easier to flexibly fit around household/caring responsibilities than 45+ hours of corporate life. And they are valuable.

Yeah if you hung around watching daytime TV all day every day I'd consider it a bit of a waste but I don't think most SAHMs do that or that that's inherent to SAH life.

My issue is that only women are told they shouldn't work because they need to call up lonely neighbours, volunteer and run errands for people who need help.

No, absolutely not. It’s perfectly possible to do all of that and work part time. This isn’t a conversation that men would have.

Do you need a temporary break to get on top of things or are you giving up work indefinitely? I think a 6 month sabbatical could be a good test. Id be very wary about losing those pension contributions though.

My issue is that an area of work that traditionally women have done is what gets dismissed as being trivial and unnecessary for society

(I don't have a dog in this fight, I work in a male-dominated high-powered corporate career and have my whole life... I just get jaded that I'm constantly told that THIS is the part of my life that is valuable and I should identify with and all the community work I do is a cute way to fill the time in between "real" work)

I understand this point of view but fwiw my take is:

Part time or flexible working can help a lot - we both work four days a week so our kids are in wraparound for 3 days so we do get to see the teacher etc.

We both have a lot of annual leave so they only need to do 3-4 weeks of holiday club a year - and only 3 days in each week.

My kids actually enjoy after school club and holiday clubs, I don't think they want to be home more. I am sure this is in part just what they're used to.

These days if you can WFH, illness etc isn't so bad - we usually both WFH if one of the children is ill and tag team.

I don't think it's a great thing ultimately for children to not see or be involved with chores and have them done by the magic housework fairy while they're at school, I think they should see what running a household involves.

I don't know if I would feel the same way if we both had really inflexible jobs or very limited annual leave, I can see how one person giving up work may make more sense in that scenario, but for us we absolutely feel like we get the best of both worlds by both working 4 days.

I also genuinely don't mean this to disparage other women's choices but the idea of my entire role and life being everyone else's support human is just awful to me. I would be so unhappy.

If calling up elderly neighbours is important to society, the society needs to make sure that everyone does it, not just support females.

I can’t imagine spending my entire life being the support act to someone else; what an utterly wasted life. And that’s not to say I don’t support my children, husband or other family/community members, it’s just that there is so much more to me and my life than that.

I’m those circumstances - absolutely but I would use the time for myself as well not just focused around making other peoples lives easier and happier.

I work on major financial deals on a daily basis at work... as part of a team. I don't consider myself a support human at work so why would I consider myself a support human in my community. I see things I want done and I do them (in the office or at church equally). Yes the numbers involved are a different magnitude...

Well it sounds like you're in the fortunate position of being mortgage free so your outgoings are low compared to many.

Nothing to stop you trying it and if it doesn't work out then have a rethink.
It will put a different pressure on your DH being the sole breadwinner, so whilst his life should be easier in some ways and if this works out as you hope he will come home to a calm orderly house and is able to relax rather than start a different kind of work with kids and housework, he will have the burden of being the sole earner.
Then how about you stepping off the treadmill and not being part of a work pension scheme any more, you need to consider that.

Then what about you having access to money yourself, how will that work when you're not earning your own any more.
I did stop ft work outside the home myself when my DD were around 10, poor mental health was a big factor in that. It worked out for me but there was less money about for treats/days out for the DC, they were ok with that as they had me present in mind and body with time for them, I hadn't had the headspace really before I gave up the job.

Did exactly this and have never regretted it for a second.

In my experience, it is only dismissed when it comes to men doing any of it. Men don't even have this conversation about going part time or giving up work completely so they can focus on play dates and calling up lonely neighbours.

If it's an expectation, it should be applied to everyone. Not just women.

I did stop ft work outside the home myself when my DD were around 10, poor mental health was a big factor in that. It worked out for me but there was less money about for treats/days out for the DC, they were ok with that as they had me present in mind and body with time for them, I hadn't had the headspace really before I gave up the job.

Dc are ok without treats and with just their parents' attention when they are young. Teenagers and older benefit from financial support as well as their parents being there. School trips with their mates, specialist or private school if they have specialist needs, clothes, shoes, uni fees, deposits for properties, careers advice and internships.

Playdates and days out are for a short time in dcs' lives. It is easy to forget that children grow up so fast and their needs change dramatically.

Don't set your career, pension, savings and earning power back by a decade just for that brief moment in time when they are little, if you can help it. It has knock on effects on your finances that amplify over the years.

Why though?

I personally think this work is valuable and it would still be valuable if not a single man ever did it.

The value of work has nothing to do with whether men are involved in it or not. I just really don't care at all about that lens. I crew my own ship

I'm now a long term sahm. I loved my career before having children (long haul cabin crew). After having my first child I got a part time job with regular hours. My second child has complex needs and various disabilities.

It was the best decision I have ever made. My eldest child is now 16 years old. He will openly say that he had a great childhood and most probably due to me being able to be here for him, take him, my other don and his friends out, he didn't have to attend holiday clubs unless he wanted to etc.

My husband makes every dinner, does the gardening and DIY. He gets up with my youngest at weekends too so I get some full nights in bed. We have the extra burden of ehcp/ school and have gone through tribunals and judicial review which I take on on our behalf. I now volunteer for a well known send charity and go away with my friends regularly for breaks.

I'm grateful that I've been able to do this and it works for our family. I don't believe it would work for everyone. You need to be really clear with your husband.