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Would you give up your job to try and make your home a happier one for your children?

215 replies

Muminthewest · 22/07/2023 22:28

Would you give up a part time job to spend the hours your children (age 8 and 5) are at school, ensuring your family life is set up to be the calmest and happiest for a better future for you all?

So in place of paid work, you would aim for:

-all the weekly running of the house, although dull, would be done
-your home to be cleaner and clearer
-you would focus on your health (going for walks, making better & healthier meals for everyone)
-doing every drop off/pick up/club so your husband doesn’t need to fit his 9-5 job round the school day
-feeling set up to be the calm in your own and your family’s storm when they need it
-able to focus on their homework with them because nothing else is distracting you
-having time to do a 5/10/15 year future plan as the children grown up and move away and you inevitably want to go back to work, contributing to society and using your skills again
-doing home repairs
-all planning and logistics needed for the whole family
-etc.

Basically easing everything so you, your husband and your children have the opportunity to feel as happy as you can be.
I would still give the children age appropriate chores and expect them to do their homework, I will just have better capacity to run this approach.

Extra information:

  • You and your husband both struggle badly with your mental health and are currently at (or beyond?) capacity
  • Due to money from a (awful) death in the family, you own your own home (no mortgage, only bills)
OP posts:
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MattDamon · 23/07/2023 08:55

I don't even have kids yet and 100% yes. My caveat would be: make sure you have a plan if the relationship ends. Are you on the mortgage? Do you both have equal savings and will that continue? If you have that cushion then I absolutely would.

sunsethorizon · 23/07/2023 08:58

WoolyMammoth55 · 22/07/2023 22:54

Are your DCs sons or daughters?

It's not ideal either way for the messaging to be "mum stays at home domestically while dad earns all the money" but if you are raising girls then it's an especially limiting way to model adult life to them.

Can you buy in help with cleaning and decluttering and keep doing some work hours, to make the transition back to work easier once you're feeling calmer?

I don’t agree with this at all, I think it’s just as important to model equal parenting to boys as it is to girls.

Part of the reason why a lot of women struggle with juggling everything is because they’ve internalised that they are supposed to be able to “have it all” but society never told men that they’d have to step up and help to facilitate this.

Anyway, OP I probably would do this if I had the money (I don’t!)

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 09:03

MintJulia · 23/07/2023 07:15

Why can't you do both?

I'm a single mum, have worked full time since ds was two. I do all the domestic stuff, organising, exercise (running, and cycling with DS) diy, lawn mowing, helping with homework etc. DS is happy and confident. I've maintained my career and provided for my child.

We have a warm relaxed, happy home. It might only be hoovered once a week, but that's hardly a reason to give up a career.

No, I wouldn't unless I had a child with special needs that require hourly care.

Anyone who relies wholly on someone else for financial support (unless that inheritance is tens of millions) makes themself financially vulnerable, and possibly less interesting, potentially jeopardising their own relationship.

Imagine what you would have to talk about at the end of the week. Who you had met (anyone?), new experiences (none), work (cleaning the bath - fascinating).

Wouldn't you be better looking for a job that you enjoy? That makes you happy. And addressing any other sources of unhappiness.

This exactly - I was a single mum working full time, my children had a secure, happy home, and still do, 20 years later!
Having a mum at home when children are at school does not make the home any happier, or run any smoother, or the family have more social life, or any of t he things being trotted out here. The children are at school!

It does make the family financially poorer, and does model a poorer work ethic to the children. It does mean less security when they are older, as the parents are less likely to have secured a mortgage, and less likely to have paid it off if they do

I worked full time throughout my children's child hood - result: mortgage paid off, adult children both came home from uni to a rent free home, and can begin their adult life without any financial pressure. Both have jobs, both are saving for a mortgage, both are enjoying their "inheritance" now, as who knows what will happen in the future, if I need to sell my home for care, for example.

And both are well used to contributing to the smooth running of the home, cooking family meals several times a week, cleaning and washing up, doing their share of laundry, because they were brought up doing that, and it is no big deal to them.

Both have as much social life as they can possibly time table! And both have family time too. When I have been ill and not earning, they have covered the household bills between themselves, without having any mortgage to worry about.

We would not be in this position if I had left work to concentrate on running a home.

It is a crazy idea, you run a home while working. Lazy, and irresponsible to give up work to do it. Nobody else benefits, just the person who gives up work has a lot less to do, brings in no money, meets fewer people, narrows their social circle, and thus their children's, isn't out in the world, knows less of what is going on, understands less, and ultimately becomes dependent financially and emotionally on the rest of the family - gets carried, in other words.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Motheranddaughter · 23/07/2023 09:03

Having more play dates is something that would keep me working 🤣
I was part time when DC were small
DH and I did staggered hours when they were at primary school so we could do drop offs and pick ups
Increased my hours to full time when they were both at secondary
Worked locally,never missed a sports day etc

Have always had a cleaner ,and DH and I share all jobs

Has worked for us,but each to their own

greenthumb13 · 23/07/2023 09:19

Well done to the single mums and mums in a partnership who apparently have everything covered and life is perfect, but that is not the case for OP. Not everyone has the same energy, support, situation, etc.

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 09:21

greenthumb13 · 23/07/2023 09:19

Well done to the single mums and mums in a partnership who apparently have everything covered and life is perfect, but that is not the case for OP. Not everyone has the same energy, support, situation, etc.

but how is stopping contributing to the family finances, and spending their days doing nothing going to improve their situation?

watermeloncougar · 23/07/2023 09:22

@Motheranddaughter yes, the comments about play dates and needing to not work to be able to facilitate a social life is weird!

greenthumb13 · 23/07/2023 09:25

My goodness @orangeleavesinautumn that is judgmental! The whole post is about how she does want to contribute.Also they don't need the money as said in her post. Her situation is not yours.

Vettrianofan · 23/07/2023 09:27

This is more or less my life. I love it, been a SAHM for 16 years. No rush to get back to paid employment. Starting a degree in a few months via the OU whilst kids are all out at school. Will take 6 years to complete.

IndigoSkye · 23/07/2023 09:36

I did this for a few years when the children were small. A bit younger than yours. It was good for the family as a whole and it was appreciated and gave us all some breathing space. But I was lonely and bored, I felt I had to ask my partner for money all the time and this made me feel very dependent. I still am the person in the house that ends up doing many of the chores/responsibilities that I took on in this time, where before things were much more 50:50! My career took a big knock. I work in a field where there are not many senior roles and it took 10 years for me to get back up the career ladder and earn the salary I was getting before my career break.

olivehaters · 23/07/2023 09:37

Being at home doesn't narrow your social circle if you have the right mindset. I work part time but commute to it. It keeps me out if the house all day and my kids miss out on opportunities after school on those days. In comparison on non working days I meet friends for walks, meet at the gym, I see people at the school pickup, can arrange play dates, cant take them to after school sporting activities, can sit down with them to do homework. Part time is probably the best balance but can absolutely see that not working at all could be great for the family.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/07/2023 09:50

How does your husband feel about being the sole financial earner? How does he feel about you getting time to ‘go on walks’ to support your mental health, whilst he’s working 9-5?

What pension provision have you put in place?

SkiingIsHeaven · 23/07/2023 10:15

What about your own mental health?

sooverthisshit · 23/07/2023 10:18

I dropped my working hours by 50% to try to accomplish more of what you set out in your OP.

Life was just too much with me working more hours.

icanflytoday · 23/07/2023 10:18

My husband is the stay at home dad whilst I have a very demanding but thankfully well paid job.

He does everything on your list (although I still do half of the homework help, wash my clothes and sometimes put the kids stuff through, do half of bedtimes, plan and book most days out and all holidays and plan presents for kids and family.). He does all cleaning, repairs our aging house constantly, does the garden, decorates, does all cooking and food shopping, drops and collects the kids to schools, takes them to hobbies, looks after pets, etc.)

It works for us. Could we have an extra holiday a year or pay off the mortgage quicker if he worked? Yes definitely. But would I be completely worn out and stressed and potentially struggle to do anc keep my job? Also, definitely yes.

One child also has ASD so struggles with school let alone holiday clubs and wrap around care. This solves that too. It works for us.

So yes, I'd recommend it!

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 23/07/2023 10:38

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 09:03

This exactly - I was a single mum working full time, my children had a secure, happy home, and still do, 20 years later!
Having a mum at home when children are at school does not make the home any happier, or run any smoother, or the family have more social life, or any of t he things being trotted out here. The children are at school!

It does make the family financially poorer, and does model a poorer work ethic to the children. It does mean less security when they are older, as the parents are less likely to have secured a mortgage, and less likely to have paid it off if they do

I worked full time throughout my children's child hood - result: mortgage paid off, adult children both came home from uni to a rent free home, and can begin their adult life without any financial pressure. Both have jobs, both are saving for a mortgage, both are enjoying their "inheritance" now, as who knows what will happen in the future, if I need to sell my home for care, for example.

And both are well used to contributing to the smooth running of the home, cooking family meals several times a week, cleaning and washing up, doing their share of laundry, because they were brought up doing that, and it is no big deal to them.

Both have as much social life as they can possibly time table! And both have family time too. When I have been ill and not earning, they have covered the household bills between themselves, without having any mortgage to worry about.

We would not be in this position if I had left work to concentrate on running a home.

It is a crazy idea, you run a home while working. Lazy, and irresponsible to give up work to do it. Nobody else benefits, just the person who gives up work has a lot less to do, brings in no money, meets fewer people, narrows their social circle, and thus their children's, isn't out in the world, knows less of what is going on, understands less, and ultimately becomes dependent financially and emotionally on the rest of the family - gets carried, in other words.

OrangeleavesinAutumn, I found the last paragraph of your post really hard to read. Do you really think SAHM’s understand so much less or don’t meet people? It’s great to hear you had such a positive story working full time and your children sound like a credit to you but there is no need to be so judgemental when you haven’t walked in the other person’s shoes. We all make our own decisions based on our personal circumstances and we do what we think is best for our family at the time and I think that’s the message we should be passing on to our own children too.

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 10:38

greenthumb13 · 23/07/2023 09:25

My goodness @orangeleavesinautumn that is judgmental! The whole post is about how she does want to contribute.Also they don't need the money as said in her post. Her situation is not yours.

I think that what is judgemental is implying that school children are going to be happier in their mother is not at work. That is not true at all, why should it be? If a family can afford the luxury of a stay at home parent, then fine, but don't say it is for the benefit of the children, it isn't. It is for the benefit of the parents. The SAH parent basically does the housework in exchange for being on holiday, and the working parent gets to have all the housework done.

The children are at school, so it doesn't matter to them, except having less money coming in to the home, mortgage paid off more slowly, and all that entails

RecycleMePlease · 23/07/2023 10:47

No. Because then you are trapped. Always keep your hand in with work.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 23/07/2023 11:11

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 10:38

I think that what is judgemental is implying that school children are going to be happier in their mother is not at work. That is not true at all, why should it be? If a family can afford the luxury of a stay at home parent, then fine, but don't say it is for the benefit of the children, it isn't. It is for the benefit of the parents. The SAH parent basically does the housework in exchange for being on holiday, and the working parent gets to have all the housework done.

The children are at school, so it doesn't matter to them, except having less money coming in to the home, mortgage paid off more slowly, and all that entails

Yes, absolutely, when they are at school it doesn’t make a difference to them if I’m working or not but covering all the hours outside of school / 13 weeks holiday / inset days is really difficult (I have an anxious child, and she’s only little so it’s not easy to use holiday clubs etc). No grandparent help. My aim is to try to find a term time only job (which I know is really hard!)

SleepingStandingUp · 23/07/2023 11:41

orangeleavesinautumn · 23/07/2023 10:38

I think that what is judgemental is implying that school children are going to be happier in their mother is not at work. That is not true at all, why should it be? If a family can afford the luxury of a stay at home parent, then fine, but don't say it is for the benefit of the children, it isn't. It is for the benefit of the parents. The SAH parent basically does the housework in exchange for being on holiday, and the working parent gets to have all the housework done.

The children are at school, so it doesn't matter to them, except having less money coming in to the home, mortgage paid off more slowly, and all that entails

It isn't about them being happier I'm school knowing she's sat at home though.
It's consistency in being dropped off and picked up by a parent every day which also means a better relationship with the the teacher so easier to tackle issues as they arrive.
It's having time together as a family not spent on chores because they're already done.
It's having school closures l, teachers training and sickness just spent at home with Mom rather than whomever can take them.
It's spending school holidays with more freedom because you don't have to be in holiday club 8-6.

Now there's lots of advantages the other way round too of course, more money, possibly more satisfied mom, more independence. But let's not pretend kids don't benefit from having more time focusable on them.

MintJulia · 23/07/2023 11:41

OP, perhaps another way of looking at it.....

I have worked full time since DS was 2. I'm a single mum so I do everything. When Covid came I was furloughed and had four months at home, with a (limited) income. I thought this was my chance to be a stay at home mum, to do all the things with DS that he'd been 'missing out on'.

We cycled and baked and home schooled, played kickabout, fished, spent time together. I'm glad I had the experience, and we made a reasonable job of it. But I was lonely for adult company, and when the first lockdown ended, ds went back to school and I went back to work without a backward glance. Covid was exceptional and bizarre but it made me realise I work because I enjoy it, as well as it feeding us and housing us. It builds my confidence and self respect every day.

Be careful. Trying to solve the causes of your stress would be better. What is making you unhappy? Once you've given up a career, it's terribly hard to get it back.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 23/07/2023 11:55

SleepingStandingUp · 23/07/2023 11:41

It isn't about them being happier I'm school knowing she's sat at home though.
It's consistency in being dropped off and picked up by a parent every day which also means a better relationship with the the teacher so easier to tackle issues as they arrive.
It's having time together as a family not spent on chores because they're already done.
It's having school closures l, teachers training and sickness just spent at home with Mom rather than whomever can take them.
It's spending school holidays with more freedom because you don't have to be in holiday club 8-6.

Now there's lots of advantages the other way round too of course, more money, possibly more satisfied mom, more independence. But let's not pretend kids don't benefit from having more time focusable on them.

Yes, this 100% (which is why I’ve decided to be a SAHM for the time being..)

watersprites · 23/07/2023 12:26

It isn't about them being happier I'm school knowing she's sat at home though. It's consistency in being dropped off and picked up by a parent every day which also means a better relationship with the the teacher so easier to tackle issues as they arrive. It's having time together as a family not spent on chores because they're already done.It's having school closures l, teachers training and sickness just spent at home with Mom rather than whomever can take them.It's spending school holidays with more freedom because you don't have to be in holiday club 8-6.

But you can do all these things with a job.

Im not working next week & my dc are doing drama & tennis camps because they want too, I guess that makes me a dreadful parent!
I think it's a bit of an outdated trope that if you work you can't do school runs or dc live in holiday camps. Work for many has moved on.

BLT24 · 23/07/2023 13:33

So many posts in here saying you’ll be trapped, won’t have any adult company and it’s incredibly hard to get your career back blah blah blah

You’re spending time at home, presumably still seeing friends and family, will have time to make new hobbies and meet new people, go to gym, go on dates with your husband when the kids are at school etc. Far better physical and mental health in many respects. It’s not a prison nor is there any need to be lonely. Also having a paid job is not the only way to have any self worth, purpose etc. Obviously we all need to keep a roof over our heads/food on the table. You can restart your career or a brand new one at any age (as long as you have your health). All these limiting beliefs people are talking about are what we have been conditioned to think, that you only matter if you’re contributing to society financially!

Who cares if you ‘fall behind your husband’ or anyone else for that matter, since when is life about trying to keep up with other people? Stay in your own lane OP

If your husband leaves you get another job. Claim benefits. Get child maintenance. Move in with family. Use savings etc etc etc

Mischance · 23/07/2023 14:02

So many families live under intolerable stress caused by both parents working full time. There is this hopeless feeling that nothing is being done well: work, parenting, home tasks (shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.)

For many families there is no choice because of financial constraints.

But where it is financially possible to create a bit of slack in the system then why not do it? Everyone will benefit.

Picking up your career is possible - I did it.

It is a question of making choices: a more peaceful life for the whole family or climb the career ladder (for either parent). I asked myself what the childhood experiences of my children would be in either scenario and was very clear that I wanted to prioritise less stress for everyone.

I find it slightly disturbing that parenting is seen as a somehow inferior choice by some; or that it is mind-numbing and boring. It is what you make it ... it has the value that you choose to attach to it.