Would you give up your job to try and make your home a happier one for your children?

[Muminthewest]

Would you give up a part time job to spend the hours your children (age 8 and 5) are at school, ensuring your family life is set up to be the calmest and happiest for a better future for you all?

So in place of paid work, you would aim for:

-all the weekly running of the house, although dull, would be done
-your home to be cleaner and clearer
-you would focus on your health (going for walks, making better & healthier meals for everyone)
-doing every drop off/pick up/club so your husband doesn’t need to fit his 9-5 job round the school day
-feeling set up to be the calm in your own and your family’s storm when they need it
-able to focus on their homework with them because nothing else is distracting you
-having time to do a 5/10/15 year future plan as the children grown up and move away and you inevitably want to go back to work, contributing to society and using your skills again
-doing home repairs
-all planning and logistics needed for the whole family
-etc.

Basically easing everything so you, your husband and your children have the opportunity to feel as happy as you can be.
I would still give the children age appropriate chores and expect them to do their homework, I will just have better capacity to run this approach.

Extra information:

• You and your husband both struggle badly with your mental health and are currently at (or beyond?) capacity
• Due to money from a (awful) death in the family, you own your own home (no mortgage, only bills)

I should have said I gave up my part time job after my sons needs were clear.

Because equality is important and society only expecting women to do those things is sexist and incredibly problematic.

I have given work up due to DCs needing extra support right now but I’m not a housewife …

Nope, You will still be tired from your daily chores as they are mostly mundane. What I would do is outsource them. Even if you are working just to cover the payment as it's important to have your own income for various reasons

Geez people can be rude, chores are “mostly mundane”, a life supporting others is a “wasted life”. Not all women or indeed people work in fascinating life enhancing jobs.

I would, I dream about it! But.... sometimes I think I may have rose tinted glasses. Work comes with its own stress, though I did enjoy being out of the house again after lockdown.

Could you try it for 6 months/a year? If you can afford it, give it a go. Esp. if you think it will help your MH. Have you got friends and company so you won't feel isolated if you did?

Just as important as physical health and kids are only small for a short time. Good luck whatever you decide OP.

But chores ARE mundane. No one is Marry Poppinsinv their way through laundry,cleaning,dishes etc

No, I find my career too fulfilling to want to give it up for an easier, calmer family life. I’d love to have a PA/housekeeper/cook etc to make life easier. We do have a cleaner and get someone in now and then for gardening so that helps. I should probably cut back to normal full time hours to get a bit of balance back.

Chores might be mundane but so are a lot of jobs.

I do think both PT is ideal because it shares out both lots of responsibility. And you're right about chores, I suppose I just meant the bulk of the stuff you have to try and do with three kids under your feet not helping 🙄😂

I would like to get back into work, I Dec don't achieve all op aims to, I just don't think I'm giving my kids a shit life by being a sahp as some posters would like to suggest

I work in a male-dominated high-powered corporate career and have my whole life... I just get jaded that I'm constantly told that THIS is the part of my life that is valuable and I should identify with and all the community work I do is a cute way to fill the time in between "real" work

I couldn't agree more. Devaluing home-making and parenting and community work is one of the reasons that so many men do not do it. If we valued it as we should, then people (male or female) would recognise it as the important role that it is.

Oh I am sure you're giving your children an ace life. I think 3 is a game changer as well.

And definitely chores like clearing out their toys definitely go better when they're out...

No, I find my career too fulfilling to want to give it up for an easier, calmer family life. The choices we make on this matter do not just affect us; they affect the rest of our family. Maybe they would like and "easier calmer family life"

Maybe compromise is the way forward.

Absolutely. It's what I do. Except I do work evenings for about 2-3 hours. But I do all the home admin, all the cleaning, the food shopping, sorting the children out, sports clubs etc.

DH actually does the cooking for the evening meal as he enjoys cooking.

It works brilliantly. Most importantly, kids are happy.

I can't think of anything bloody worse than getting up at 6.30am to drop my kids at breakfast club and go to work for a full day. Yawn. I love that I can go for a swim, play tennis, have coffee with my friends in the daytime once my 'jobs' are done.

But you also avoid the miserable, bitter woman my brilliantly clever grandmother became. Bored, unfulfilled and furious because if she’d been a boy she could have done things other than live through her children.

I didn't intend to imply that anyone who works has kids in childcare 12 hours a day 50 weeks a year. But lots of jobs are still 9-5 type. DH does no pick ups or drop offs. If we have a week together in the Summer, he's left with 15days. That would be 30 days combined to cover 50 days of holiday so holiday club wouldn't be a fun option, the 3 yos would be in full time childcare for half their holiday. Right now it wouldn't benefit them. Different lives, different needs, different choices, not wrong just not the same

Yes! Like a shot. It would be so lovely for everyone and I would absolutely love it. Everyone’s quality of life would improve. I would feel guilty that my husband had to carry on working though.
It would be my dream if I won the lottery.

Yes, I’d love to do this and honestly I’d do it in a heartbeat if I could make it work financially and there wasn’t resentment in the relationship as a result etc.

I don't see the majority of men compromising though. It is women who are expected to sacrifice their careers, earning potential, mental health etc because even if a man wants a parent at home or even part time, it is rare that they are prepared to do it themselves.

I didn't intend to imply that anyone who works has kids in childcare 12 hours a day 50 weeks a year.

I didn't think you said that, I was just making the point that lots of people have jobs that allow them to be flexible & have hybrid options so that they can work & still do pick ups, spend holiday time with them, etc.
Although granted not everyone has the privilege of these types of jobs.

I'm literally about to do this op. My DC are 4 and 2 though. I also have a disability which isn't well managed at the moment and work is the main reason for this.
Only you know how much this will help but you mentioned poor mental health. I think any steps towards improving mental health are good ones.
Since I've been at home (unwell but functional).the whole.house has been a lot.calmer with a lot more patience. It's been 1 week. My son told me yesterday he loved me for the first time in months
That cemented the decision for me.

Is there any way you could try it (take some unpaid leave or a sabbatical) for a while to see how it would work in reality?

I gave up work for a while a few years ago. One of my children (in high school) had real mental health issues. It became increasingly impossible to give her the support she needed and work at a fairly demanding job and give the other kids the support they needed. I tried going part time, took a leave of absence but in the end I quit - not DH. I preferred to quit but that is probably a lifetime of female socialisation - I accept that.

It was essential for us dealing with that particular crisis but one of the side effects was dh and I had much easier lives in between us both putting in the effort with dc's mental health. I dealt with all the practical issues, I wasn't stressed out of my mind, sitting in a car persuading a distraught child to go into school while knowing I really needed to be on a conference call in 5 minutes. I had time to go to the gym.

But I had had a good solid career for years, my pension was set, I had savings and I was fairly confident I could go back if needed - I had built years of good will. And I knew DH and I weren't going to split/have a dispute about contributions. He regarded my contribution then as the greater one.

No. If we felt we're at capacity and one parent should do it, it would be DH. Because think of the benefits for the working parent - everything done at home, you get to swan to work whenever you want, go to all work trips and events without even considering childcare or ferrying them around. No juggling DC1s football training drop off and DC2's doctor's appointment. Just get home when you get home to clean moppets and dinner on table.

Aaaand...if you decide in a few years that the grass is greener somewhere else, your earning capacity is fabulous and you walk away with half the family assets on top. Of course you insist kids will be 50-50 (teenagers won't need much hands on attention any more, after all) - so no maintenance to pay either. Amazing!

Have never been bored in the sixteen years so far that I have been SAHM. I find it difficult some days to fit everything in to six hours.

I have dog walking to do, shopping trips, washing, cooking, tidying etc. It flies in.

Who is constantly telling you that?