Would you give up your job to try and make your home a happier one for your children?

[Muminthewest]

Would you give up a part time job to spend the hours your children (age 8 and 5) are at school, ensuring your family life is set up to be the calmest and happiest for a better future for you all?

So in place of paid work, you would aim for:

-all the weekly running of the house, although dull, would be done
-your home to be cleaner and clearer
-you would focus on your health (going for walks, making better & healthier meals for everyone)
-doing every drop off/pick up/club so your husband doesn’t need to fit his 9-5 job round the school day
-feeling set up to be the calm in your own and your family’s storm when they need it
-able to focus on their homework with them because nothing else is distracting you
-having time to do a 5/10/15 year future plan as the children grown up and move away and you inevitably want to go back to work, contributing to society and using your skills again
-doing home repairs
-all planning and logistics needed for the whole family
-etc.

Basically easing everything so you, your husband and your children have the opportunity to feel as happy as you can be.
I would still give the children age appropriate chores and expect them to do their homework, I will just have better capacity to run this approach.

Extra information:

• You and your husband both struggle badly with your mental health and are currently at (or beyond?) capacity
• Due to money from a (awful) death in the family, you own your own home (no mortgage, only bills)

Yes, and it's what we do. If you can afford it then it's a no brainer if you ask me!

It's not for everyone, but I find it more rewarding than any job I've done.

No. For me (and this is just me):

My life being about facilitating everyone else's would be so depressing. I think I would actually sink into depression.

I actually enjoy my career and it gives me great satisfaction.

My kids are similar ages (a little younger) and I just don't feel like there's even enough to do at home to justify it. Both being 4 days a week gives us loads of time.

I would never take a total break from the working world.
You see time after time on here how hard women often find it to return.
And in real life I've seen how it has a long term impact on women's career opportunities, earning potential and pension prospects.

No, I do all those things and work FT. The kids have play dates, we are sociable, I help with homework and being there.
what if your DH lost his job? Have you got a good pension? How will you find university if your kids want to go?

Yes, I would. I don't like my job though! (It's got good Ts and C's, it's reasonable pay, it uses my skills, but it's very boring. I stay in it because it has flexibility and therefore works for us as a family.)

Nobody gets to their death bed and and says I wish I’d worked harder

Of course noone would ever say this. But they might say "I wish I'd made more of myself and pushed myself to achieve my potential. I wish I hadn't sold my self short - I'm so capable, I could have been a real success if only I'd applied myself" and so on.

No way, I've put so much into my job. Plus the unfairness would kill me. My lot are an entitled and ungrateful bunch by nature and I'd be seething with resentment by day 2. Can you not both reduce hours?

I did this.

The first couple of years were fabulous, both me husband and children were all so 😍😊 “this works so well for our family”

Then I slowly noticed that there had been a change in my husband’s attitude towards me, and mine to him. Instead of being equal partners, he had become part of ‘my job’ and I didn’t look forward to him coming home. Meanwhile he came to see me as some kind of house appliance, there to clear up after him, listen to his important work anecdotes and create meals on demand. He is no longer capable of cooking or even putting his own plate in the dishwasher apparently, and expects a nutritious complicated meal when he gets home, but that could be anytime 6pm -10pm and I’ll only get about 40 min notice. At the same time, snide comments have begun to appear about “must be nice doing nothing all day” etc. I’m now desperately job hunting but the huge gap on my CV is unhelpful, and frankly my husband is unlikely to take any job I get seriously anyway. He is too used to being ‘the important one’ now.

“My husband isn’t like that” you’re thinking. Well, mine wasn’t either until I became a housewife. 😔 Mine used to respect me and be nice.

So, although I know it isn’t what you long to hear, I’d encourage you to stay employed. If you quit it will slowly poison your marriage and crush your self-esteem, has been my experience. Plus, the days get very very lonely.

Why can't you do both?

I'm a single mum, have worked full time since ds was two. I do all the domestic stuff, organising, exercise (running, and cycling with DS) diy, lawn mowing, helping with homework etc. DS is happy and confident. I've maintained my career and provided for my child.

We have a warm relaxed, happy home. It might only be hoovered once a week, but that's hardly a reason to give up a career.

No, I wouldn't unless I had a child with special needs that require hourly care.

Anyone who relies wholly on someone else for financial support (unless that inheritance is tens of millions) makes themself financially vulnerable, and possibly less interesting, potentially jeopardising their own relationship.

Imagine what you would have to talk about at the end of the week. Who you had met (anyone?), new experiences (none), work (cleaning the bath - fascinating).

Wouldn't you be better looking for a job that you enjoy? That makes you happy. And addressing any other sources of unhappiness.

You say you DH has mental health problems too? Pretty tough on him to become the person solely responsible for finances. What if he wants to give up work too?

How will you protect yourself financially and ensure you are self sufficient in the event of crisis?

Honestly, I think it's a terrible message to send to children - dad works and earns the money and mum cooks and cleans.

Nope. I’m a better parent and better person for working.

the house is sometimes chaotic but I’m mentally more stable!

Posts like this always give me the itch. Both of us working and it's only since dh took his holidays that I realised how much easier it is on all of us when there's someone getting the house sorted, available to pick up etc. He's back in a week and we're going to be back to running everywhere, things getting put on the back burner etc. The thing is though I hate the idea of dh having to shoulder all the money stress for the family. Pt doesn't work in my job, have tried it, just basically leaves everyone short and me trying to do ft work in pt hours because they don't have the staff. Sorry am no help, I deal regularly of quitting (fab job, fab people, but our house is so all over the place)

YES!!! We deserve choices as women and this sounds a great one for all of you.

choices don’t have to last years. You might do this for 6, 12, 24 months and everyone feels better and you pick up work again. Or you might love it or hate it.

you have choices- use them!

You have to do what is right for your family .
you could ask 100 people their opinion,and get 100 different replies.
I had to stay home ,but due to two dc with autism and no school places willing to take them.
still home 20 years later because they can’t be left alone together.neither will ever leave home .
totally unexpected situation and not one I willingly went in to
but needs must ,had to put the families needs before my own

Yeah this. I would OP. I’ve had so many ‘older’ people with grown up kids tell me if I can and want to, stay home, as it’s over so quick and you can’t get it back. Sounds like you can, and want to. There’s a lot to be said for a simple, calm life.

I'm intrigued by this, how many play dates do you have? I also don't understand how work stops you having a social life, some of my closest & reliable friends are from work whereas there's only a few families I'm really close with if meeting through dc. Granted I do have strong family support as well.
I can see how this would happen-I work retail so we're basically on the go seven days a week (during the week I'm dropping him to train on days off too, at weekends he drops me to work). We are always so tired we don't socialise anymore. As for play dates it's really hard to work around picking up, either him or me and I only get my hours the week before so never know when I'll be off

Well said

I am a sahm, have been for more than 10 years. It’s great now my kids are all at school. I have time to cook and clean and do things for myself. It’s great as I have time to focus on kids and what they need. Our weekends are fun as there is little that needs doing.

However I also have lost my mind. I hate being financially dependent on someone and it worries me that my kids see this is normal.

Working friends assume you are free childcare, and rarely return the favour.

If I was in your situation I would look for a job school hours a couple of days a week. Try and have the best of both worlds. And if you need to go back to work at some point you won’t have given up your career.

I did and I loved it. It's one of the reasons my children grew up into awesome people.
Do what's right for you. As if Mumsnet would tell you to stay home that would be seen as misogynistic.

In my heart of hearts I think I would be happier if i did but I stay working part time in as thats what society seems to tell me i have to do in order to be a worthwhile and interesting person. This thread says enough.
I also know that should the worst happen with my higher earning DH I would have a career to fall back on and support myself.

I’d love to have DH doing all that for me so I only have to work and spend time with family. But no I wouldn’t want to do it myself.

I would if we could afford it definitely.
But it really depends on what you want to do and if you would feel happy and fulfilled doing this.

Maybe.. but I suspect in your case it isn’t going to solve the problem OP.

What you’re describing sounds like a fantasy in which you are wafting about as a domestic goddess in a perfect world with all your problems magically solved. Writing 5 and 10 year plans where you have a wonderful job similarly fall into fantasy.

I doubt retreating from the world is going to sort you out, it may make you less able to cope.

If your husband is working normal FT hours and you are PT as you describe, that shouldn’t be overwhelming. So what I would do is sort out some help with both your mental health, get a cleaner, that sort of thing and tackle whatever is making life so hard head on.

There’s nothing wrong with not working if you can afford to, but running away from life is rarely a good idea. You also need to have pensions in place and plans to cover uni costs, so there is that too.

And for avoidance of doubt even if we could afford to DH would not want to do it either, we both work full time compressed to have a day off each with DD and I think best case scenario for us would be if a four day week became standard and we could do shorter days again.

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie

If you don’t mind me asking, why don’t you go back to work PT if you’ve lost your mind / are worried about being financially dependant (which is worrying, I agree)