21 year old son won’t work

[Lostmum8279]

Hi I don’t really know where to begin! My son is 21 years old , he won’t work as he suffers from anxiety but refuses to get help. He expects everyone else to pay for his socialising, he has run up debts all over the place and still asks me and my husband to pay for petrol to drive his car, takeaways etc. He sometimes lives at home or goes to his girlfriend until they get fed up with all the money he borrows and kick him out. What do I do? I understand his anxiety issue and it’s not easy for him but we are here to support him with counselling or whatever he needs but we can’t support him financially. He will always have a roof over his head and food to eat but he chooses not to be home.

Stop giving him money. Does he do anything at home, cooking, errands, laundry etc?

You don't give him any money 🤷‍♀️ if he can't afford petrol he'll have to get a job. Stop bank rolling him. Understand you don't want to make him homeless but I'd not be cooking for him and he should be paying towards utilities out of his benefit money. At the moment what motivation has he got to change?

No money at all.

You're keeping him too comfortable

What do I do?

Don't give him any cash
Don't do laundry for him
Don't give him lifts unless it's to a job interview or the job centre
Limit WiFi availability

Do support him practically to access help for his anxiety
Do offer to proofread applications for him, and practice interview questions.
Do feed him

Does he have any work experience or qualifications?

Stop giving him money. I don't understand the question.

Yes we support him with his anxiety we have suggested many different solutions, doctors , private help etc. we help him apply for jobs filling in apply forms getting him jobs with family or friends. He is very clever and a quick learner he could turn his hand to anything but he would rather be out with friends all night and sleeps all day

Stop the money, the lifts, don’t pay for phone or gym or takeaways. He can join family meals but needs to do his own laundry and fair share of housework, perhaps more if he’s the only one not working in the household.

Has he ever had a job? Routine might help with his anxiety as long as the job isn’t a stressful one. If you have factories nearby that could work for him, you leave your work behind you once you leave the building. Depending on the sector the working environment can be quite pleasant (not in the cold rooms of meat processing though!).

No he doesn’t do anything

Anxiety stopping him from working, but not from going out on your money.

Classic.

Tell him to get a job or move out.

Why are you still giving him money? Stop giving it to him and tell his girlfriends family to stop giving him money too.

But we feel like such bad parents that are failing him if we stop helping. Our 2 daughters are so different to him

Stop being so nice! He does bugger all to help you, so why are you being so kind to him?

I'd read him the riot act!

I have lost count at home many jobs he has had but none last more than a month. He just wants to be out with his mates invade they suddenly forget his exists and he misses out

He's not anxious, he's just a lazy sod

Yes, he’s manipulating you perfectly.

I don't suffer from anxiety but I still find interviews/starting a new job/meeting lots of new people in one go very uncomfortable.
Going out with friends is hardly the same is it?

Not that I think OP should fund his social life. Just that the two particular scenarios are very different.

I'd put up with this for all of 30 seconds. Anxiety or no anxiety. He doesn't get to choose not to get help. That's where youve gone wrong. He has to get help or you give him:

No money, no takeaways, no comforts: just a bed and food....and only then til he got a job and then he'd be paying me rent.

If I thought he was taking the piss with his efforts to get a job, I'd only support him for so long before he'd have to move out.

It doesn’t mean you can just opt out of it, and demand to rely on your parents though. OP has said they’ve offered help, counselling etc. Just saying ‘but anxiety’ is not the end of the conversation.

He's going out socialising but can't work because of anxiety?

If he had social anxiety then it would be a matter of trying to find a job where there was no/minimal contact with other people but that doesn't seem to be the case.

He's not going to change as long as you make his life so comfortable.

Lazy fucker

He's living the life of Riley !

Sleep all day, party all night.

He needs a firm dose of reality. He's playing you.

Does he have qualifications - something on which he can build to get a job / career? I'm thinking more long term. At the moment he needs a job. If he needs help then support him with applications. If he refuses then stop funding him - more than feeding him and proving a bed. If he continues to use your home as a hotel he will have to live with his girlfriend.

• I don't buy into anxiety either. It's just an easy option out.

You’d be failing him more if you carry on enabling his behaviour. As parents it’s up to us to teach our DC how to be decent adults.

You ARE failing him. Stop it! He needs to grow up and you are the reason he isn’t as you are enabling this lazy lifestyle.