21 year old son won’t work

[Lostmum8279]

Hi I don’t really know where to begin! My son is 21 years old , he won’t work as he suffers from anxiety but refuses to get help. He expects everyone else to pay for his socialising, he has run up debts all over the place and still asks me and my husband to pay for petrol to drive his car, takeaways etc. He sometimes lives at home or goes to his girlfriend until they get fed up with all the money he borrows and kick him out. What do I do? I understand his anxiety issue and it’s not easy for him but we are here to support him with counselling or whatever he needs but we can’t support him financially. He will always have a roof over his head and food to eat but he chooses not to be home.

Necessity is the driver of innovation and priorities. Once the tantrums are over and your son realises that you are sticking to your guns and that the free ride is over you will be amazed at how he will discover a work ethic.

And I anticipated this reply being trotted out also.

Do you have any useful advice to offer the OP or have you just come to have a bitch about anyone mentioning neurodiversity?

I agree with this! Give him the rest of the summer; then a deadline for a course or work on September 1st.

Also talk to him about where he sees himself in five years time and in the future. Tell him it’s up to him now to steer his own boat. He has to make his own opportunities now.

I think the period between secondary or tertiary education and a job is very hard. Up to this point, your adult future life has been theoretical, but now it turns in to reality and to a certain extent the decisions you make during this period define who you are.

He may be afraid to commit and define himself in that way. In which case he needs a temporary job to get him to the point when he can.

Also, I think if you can get him out of the house for a trip or a visit to a friend or relative who live elsewhere, at least three or four hours away, helping in their business or shop, or volunteering on an eco project, or doing anything to shake him out of his current comfort zone, that would be good! He shouldn’t be feeling too comfortable atm!

He has been to the doctors but they just give him tablets to help anxiety and don’t want to listen. I have made him appointments with private counselling clinics but he won’t go and just tells the doctor what they want to hear to get tablets and anything he needs for benefits. He no longer get UC as they realised he wasn’t entitled to it so now he is waiting to hear about another one but won’t discuss it with us

@Lostmum8279 you sound very passive in all this.

I think you need to be laying down the law.

He shouldn't be given the option of declining private help.

You're not a bystander in this, you need to take control and TELL him what's happening.

No wonder he's walking all over you.

'@Lostmum8279you sound very passive in all this.

I think you need to be laying down the law.'

I agree. It's like you've put him in charge of the whole household and you're not challenging him on anything. It sounds like you're scared of him, and I wonder when that started

While he's not working, why aren't you giving him a list of jobs to do every day? Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking on some days? He's an adult, he should be contributing to the home

I’m going to say something slightly different her. I wonder if he does have proper anxiety? Finding excuses not do to something can be part of anxiety. And anxiety can affect some areas and not others. Does he have low self esteem? It sounds like avoidance of some type.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow then he needs to be trying to claim PIP or something. See what the DWP reckon about his "anxiety" when it only affects him doing the things he doesn't want to do.

I think he'd be onto a hiding for nothing.

I doubt many people in the developing world are sat around dwelling on "anxiety" while their families work to support them. I'd guess less than 0.01% of parents in the developing world would put up with this crap from their kids.

I did ask if he was getting Pip?

Funny how the areas affected are those pertaining to getting a job!

Have you considered if he has any neuroduversity like autism or attention deficit disorder?
High anxiety levels are often linked to autism or ADD and they dont always present like you may think they do. Worth reading up on ASC and ADD and see if it rings any bells.

Yep! Is he planning on doing this until retirement age? What example are your other children taking from his inaction? You and his father need to be a lot tougher about his laziness because none of the household are benefiting from him getting away with not getting himself out of the door, holding down a job and paying his way. 🌹

Just to add if you can fund a private Psychiatrist appointment that could be a helpful step in understanding whats going on.
Has GP presribed any medication for anxiety? Medication can be really helpful , can take time for it to work and to find the right one and right dose but worth it in the end!

Sorry to say this. Your son is currently a bit of a waste of space and you are the one who is enabling it.

You mention he has a car. How on earth does such a lazy person get to own a car? My guess is it wasnt down to hard work. No car = no paying for fuel. No car = no social life. No car = he will have to get off his arse and start working.

The anxiety is a complete red herring. He has had loads of jobs. Lasted a month etc etc. He just ticks his mums boxes then jacks it in after 4 weeks.

Where did the car come from?

This was my thinking.

It doesn’t sound like he has high anxiety though. He has no problem socialising, seeing his girlfriend or demanding takeaways, it’s just the less fun stuff that he ‘can’t do’. I mean come on, he’s yanking your chain.

when we say no he will just keep on more until we cave in

Growing up, I used to think my father was a bit of a tyrant. One thing was always clear, once he had said 'no' about something, he never, never changed his mind. My mother always backed him up.

In caving in, I'm sure you know that you are not doing your son, or your daughters either, any favours.

Now is the time to draw a line, apologise if you want to for giving in so far but now, firmly but kindly, no more hand outs. If it helps, you can run a sweepstake on how long it will take him to accept your new approach. He will try everything to make you crack and give in.

Then, eventually he will give up and get a job. The sooner you start ...

I have made a couple of posts already, yes.

Stop being so weak willed

why is he going on holiday? He hasn’t earnt it and sounds like he will try and spoil it with demands of money. Don’t take him. He needs to be home looking for a job.

stop filling in forms for him he needs to do it.

cut off ALL financial help and inform him that come 1st September if he isn’t working full time you will be asking him to move out. And mean it. If he doesn’t get a job he will have to register homeless.

why work when your parents give it all on a plate and if you pester them you get more

A 21 year old getting PIP (which he won't unless he's a DeNiro level actor) to further enable them to disengage with the real world and sit at home doing nothing but indulging their "anxiety" is really REALLY not a solution.

All it does is entrench that young person in that lifestyle and encourage them to believe they're too "mentally unwell" to work which means they likely never will become a contributing member of society.

I work in primary care and the amount of utterly useless young people we see whose parents have allowed them to drop out of school, not pursue further education, not work, not contribute to society whatsoever because of their "depression and anxiety" and who expect to be paid to sit at home when it suits them but miraculously be able to socialise and afford alcohol and weed is staggering. They don't engage with therapy offered, don't comply with SSRI regimes, take no accountability for managing their own health conditions and then moan to GP that they're being offered no help 🙄.

You're doing your son zero favours by being such a pushover OP. He shapes up or ships out. I can't believe you need to be told this.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

Best post I’ve seen in ages.

After reading the thread, I have come to the conclusion that your DS is a lazy fucker.

He has applied for PIP but I don’t know the outcome as he won’t talk about it as I refused to fill in the forms for him. It’s a legal form and he has to answer the questions not me. He was assed at school for ADHD etc but they said he didn’t have any of that as his symptoms conveniently come and go. It is a big help having other people tell me what I already know but find it hard to admit but it all changed today I will be strong and my husband will be strong too and stop blaming himself for our son’s actions, all we have ever done is try to have rules and a time to come in . We don’t ask much

Thank you I can’t believe it either but when it is your own son it is hard to follow through with the tough love. You are so right so many young people are lazy and expect to be looked after all their lives. I will do better I can do this!

Good on you op. Be strong. It’s genuinely for his own good.