21 year old son won’t work

[Lostmum8279]

Hi I don’t really know where to begin! My son is 21 years old , he won’t work as he suffers from anxiety but refuses to get help. He expects everyone else to pay for his socialising, he has run up debts all over the place and still asks me and my husband to pay for petrol to drive his car, takeaways etc. He sometimes lives at home or goes to his girlfriend until they get fed up with all the money he borrows and kick him out. What do I do? I understand his anxiety issue and it’s not easy for him but we are here to support him with counselling or whatever he needs but we can’t support him financially. He will always have a roof over his head and food to eat but he chooses not to be home.

You are enabling him to stay at home, as long as you keep funding him.
Give him an ultimatation - he has a month to sort out help for his anxiety and start applying for a job. At the end of the month, funding stops apart from necessary things - no money for petrol or socializing.

What do his friends do OP? Are they the same as him?

@Lostmum8279 there is a thing called Failure to Launch and it's real and yes they play on the parents heart strings and worry that harm will come to them.
if he won't get help make sure you and your partner do.
my daughters failure to launch affected the whole family negatively as far as grandparents and uncles. it had lasting effects.

Bad parents coddle their children to the extent they never become adults.

Good parents are capable of tough love (which might involve short term pain), with an eye on the long term gain for the child.

What do I do?

I'm no sure you know that it will continue until the funds dry up.

It might help you to stop describing what you are doing as helping with his anxiety and start being honest about not wanting to continue enabling him.

How does his siblings feel about it do you give them equal amount of funds or even save the same amount for them.

Just like any other illness, the anxiety ceases to be a valid excuse at the point where he refuses to get help. Indeed, what incentive is there given unlimited funding for his lifestyle choices?

Sorry, parenting isn't easy. Sometimes you do have to make the difficult decisions and follow through on them. It will get better if you hold the line.

I suggest a drugs convo. He's likely using

Stop giving him money. You are enabling him to do nothing.

When he's at home, give him a written list of chores ; starting with his own washing.

You’re failing him by allowing the situation to continue. He needs tough love, otherwise nothing will change.

So he’s realised that his mental health can be played as a get out of work card?

You need to stop enabling him or you will be writing this post forever.

Why doesn’t he want to get help ?

Too anxious to work +able to go out socialising= lazy fucker
Sorry but he's taking the piss

Tell him he needs to be paying for his own food and bills and to do that he needs either to get a job or start claiming benefits. The benefits will help him have a bit of his own money at least and help with the debts, and the job centre will also support/pressure him to find a job or tackle the problems that prevent it. Being signed on will also ensure he gets his national insurance stamps without which he won't get a pension later in life, so it's important to claim as a young adult and not rely on parents.

100% manipulating you. Anxiety absolutely understandable. Anxiety over work but can still socialise - go out etc spend your money - hmmmm not sure I believe that one. I think if we could get away with it we would all suffer from that type of anxiety if we got a fully funded life style to go along with it.

Good grief how will he be when he's 40 if he doesn't get out and work now

This anxiety he's feeling is called nerves. We all feel nerves when we have interviews etc.

It seems some young people equate temporary discomfort with crippling anxiety. How fragile they sound.

This is the result of years of spoiling and coddling. Sorry but grow a pair and stop letting him cut the crap

And also what @MetaverseMavis said. X

agreed

He’s not so anxious that he can’t go out with his friends, have a girlfriend, order takeaways and so on. He sounds like he’s a bit worried about getting a job and all that entails, but to be nervous of all that is perfectly normal - this catch-all ‘anxiety’ is a cop-out here.

As others have said, stop bank rolling him completely - don’t give him any money, or endless WiFi access or lifts, or food, or clean clothes or any of the other things you do that keeps him comfortable and stops him launching into adult life. I’d would give him 6 months to find a job, apprenticeship or enrol onto a college course - and if he doesn’t then he has to leave the house. If you don’t start treating him like an adult rather than some sort of dweeby teenager he’s never going to stand on his own 2 feet and you’ll be in exactly the same position in 5 years.

My stepson has just tried this one, and ended up moving in with his mum as she is a much higher earner and he figured he'd get an easier life. She didn't give him any spends at all, and now he's working. As he should be.

You don't want to fail him, but you are failing your dds by bankrolling their lazy brother with funds that could benefit all three of them.

The role of parents is to role model successful independent lives with good basic social skills and good basic life skills.

Sounds like he has never learned basic social skills like give and take, kind and thoughtful behaviour to others; and it sounds as if he has no basic life skills like being able to cook, clean, maintain a home/ garden/ do his own laundry etc.

With no responsibilities he has no confidence to become an independent successful adult.

So you need to back to basics and make sure he learns all these things.

Without responsibilities he won't get confidence in his own abilities.

No confidence breeds anxiety.

So you need to give him responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, lawn mowing, washing, laundry etc so he can develop pride in his own abilities.

Your current path is setting him up to fail.

He's not suffering from anxiety if he can go out with his mates!

Couldn't agree more

have you checked your local authority website to see if there are any employability programs that are delivered in your area? These might be a good stepping stone for him to get into a routine, learn new skills, understand the expectations of employment, help with job applications and interviews etc.