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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

21 year old son won’t work

157 replies

Lostmum8279 · 18/07/2023 18:24

Hi I don’t really know where to begin! My son is 21 years old , he won’t work as he suffers from anxiety but refuses to get help. He expects everyone else to pay for his socialising, he has run up debts all over the place and still asks me and my husband to pay for petrol to drive his car, takeaways etc. He sometimes lives at home or goes to his girlfriend until they get fed up with all the money he borrows and kick him out. What do I do? I understand his anxiety issue and it’s not easy for him but we are here to support him with counselling or whatever he needs but we can’t support him financially. He will always have a roof over his head and food to eat but he chooses not to be home.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Sweetashunni · 19/07/2023 14:12

You can do this and what’s more he will be thanking you in 10 years got giving him the kick up the bum he needs to be a successful independent man. Now stand strong - no more freebies, no more money. He has 3 weeks to find a job then he will be responsible for all cleaning and cooking in the house.

Original poster

Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 14:12

I will be strong , I have to be. You are all so right I have to do it for the sake of my family thank you everyone x

OP posts:

Sweetashunni · 19/07/2023 14:14

PS well done for taking the comments on the chin and not flouncing or throwing a tantrum.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

21 years old Families General parenting

Original poster

Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 14:21

I just needed to hear it from other parents to prove to me what I already knew! X

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 14:23

He could be such a wonderful young man , he is good looking , a quick learner , he used to play guitar until be sold it! I just wish he could see his full potential and not waste his life. X

OP posts:

Sweetashunni · 19/07/2023 14:26

You’re going to help him achieve that potential, he just won’t think that’s what you’re doing to start with. See it as a long term project. You need to get DH fully on board as well - show him this thread maybe? Honestly if this carries on he will end up an unemployed cock lodger with no money of his own, no accomplishments and no life. He’ll end up a 50 year old man who lives in a house share and claims benefits. Not the life I’m sure you want for your DS.

Original poster

Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 14:29

Thank you I am going to tell me husband everything you have all said and we will be United in our decision and get our son on the path to building his life

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2023 14:37

I would also mention to your husband the horrible example being set for your 11 year old. You don't want them travelling down the same path or having the same attitude as your eldest.

Thinkbiglittleone · 19/07/2023 14:40

He is very clever and a quick learner he could turn his hand to anything but he would rather be out with friends all night and sleeps all day

Haha yes he's learnt he can be out with his friends and sleep all day.

You need to teach him, No, you can only do that when you are bankrolling it buddy, he's a quick learner.

Clementineorsatsuma · 19/07/2023 14:53

Somethingintheattic · 18/07/2023 18:50

Does he have qualifications - something on which he can build to get a job / career? I'm thinking more long term. At the moment he needs a job. If he needs help then support him with applications. If he refuses then stop funding him - more than feeding him and proving a bed. If he continues to use your home as a hotel he will have to live with his girlfriend.

I don't buy into anxiety either. It's just an easy option out.

Saying you don't 'buy into anxiety' is very ableist. Unless you mean in this particular case?
Just because it appears that OP's son is playing them (he can socialise but not work) does not mean that clinically diagnosed anxiety is not real and very debilitating.

I'm unclear about which you mean!

Lottapianos · 19/07/2023 14:58

'PS well done for taking the comments on the chin and not flouncing or throwing a tantrum.'

I second this. Plenty of parents would have just come out with a long list of excuses why none of the great advice on here would ever work with their darling boy

You and his father need to get on the same page and stick to it. It won't be easy but honestly, you will all be in the same position in ten years time if you don't see it through. And seriously, I would start TOMORROW with a list of jobs for him around the house. No more picking up after him and treating the place like a hotel

IncompleteSenten · 19/07/2023 15:00

Bad parents are the ones who don't make the hard choices that are in the long term best interests of their children.

LightDrizzle · 19/07/2023 15:21

Be warned that he will make it very hard and unpleasant for. You say he is clever, if so you can expect him to really work to make you feel guilty, the stakes are high for him.

However, this is short term extreme pain for long term gain. If you get this go on much longer, he may become genuinely unemployable. Good parenting is hard and sometimes they hate you for it, - it not forever.

Outdamnspot23 · 19/07/2023 15:26

Lostmum8279 · 18/07/2023 18:42

But we feel like such bad parents that are failing him if we stop helping. Our 2 daughters are so different to him

I bet they have a few frank thoughts on why they are conscientious/helpful and yet their brother the prince sits around on his bum.

Good luck OP. If it's yucky to know a 21 year old like this imagine how gross a 30 year old or a 45 year old will be.

momtoboys · 19/07/2023 15:30

Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 09:22

We even fill out the application forms but no job is good enough or doesn’t pay enough

He will never grow up if you keep doing things like that for him. I know it is hard but you and your husband need to be a united front on this.

greenspaces4peace · 19/07/2023 15:53

i’d follow up with a tiny bit of family therapy to discuss this with a councillor. Without your eldest. The remaining family the 11 yr old if appropriate.

Acornsoup · 19/07/2023 16:11

He doesn't suffer anxiety when he's out with his friends then? Hmmm it does sound like he can't be bothered, rather than anxiety to the point of being unable to work.

What is he good at/like doing? What did he study? Has he got qualifications? What are his friends doing? If he's just graduated he might pick up his pace after the summer.

I would encourage him to do an apprenticeship - there are loads available. Lots of employees offering hybrid working patterns where you only need attend an office 2 days per week.

Think you and DH need to sit him down and have a chat about expectations

Original poster

Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 16:12

Yes I think that could help, I will look in to it. I have just shown the thread to my husband ( quite emotional ) and it has given us the push we needed to change.

OP posts:

Madamecastafiore · 19/07/2023 16:21

We'll done Op, our job as a parent from birth is to teach our children to be independent and productive. Seems like you've thought by doing everything for him you've missed out on these 2 most important qualities. Facilitating his lack of drive and independence is actually doing none of you any good and you'll have a 40 year old blob still living in the dark in 20 years.

Know that saying no isn't being a bad parent, it's what he needs to give his head a wobble and realise that this is not life. Stop the applying for things, stop giving him money, pull up the drawbridge. You've done all you can to help him and now all he can do is help himself.

Stay strong.

KingsHeath53 · 19/07/2023 18:53

@Lostmum8279 he WILL be totally fine. Think about the birds, they often give their fledgelings a little nudge out of the nest. That’s all he needs to fulfil his potential.

He is not useless or a loser but will think of himself that way until he has the opportunity to learn for himself the greatness he is capable of x

dizzydizzydizzy · 19/07/2023 21:25

I have bad anxiety. I actually find that going to work helps.

Original poster

Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 21:58

I think it would help my son too, it would definitely help with the worry that he has no money and give him a routine to stick too. I am hopeful that with all the advice and kind words we have had we change everything

OP posts:

Yahyahs22 · 20/07/2023 08:00

Ive had terrible anxiety (suicidal level) and I was so much worse when I was sitting at home on pip compared to now. Also, my brother is 32, he has a job, however, he still lives at home, pays absolutely no bills, my dad pays all his car stuff and all my brother's money goes on take aways and alcohol. Don't, for the love of God let this happen to your son. My brother is deeply unhappy and it's very obvious why. My mum, who's sadly now passed, never ever pushed him to do anything. Don't be that mum.

mauveiscurious · 20/07/2023 08:27

I would suggest the army, he will grow up and be given responsibility

Bogeyes · 20/07/2023 08:27

He is a bum

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