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Original poster

21 year old son won’t work

157 replies

Lostmum8279 · 18/07/2023 18:24

Hi I don’t really know where to begin! My son is 21 years old , he won’t work as he suffers from anxiety but refuses to get help. He expects everyone else to pay for his socialising, he has run up debts all over the place and still asks me and my husband to pay for petrol to drive his car, takeaways etc. He sometimes lives at home or goes to his girlfriend until they get fed up with all the money he borrows and kick him out. What do I do? I understand his anxiety issue and it’s not easy for him but we are here to support him with counselling or whatever he needs but we can’t support him financially. He will always have a roof over his head and food to eat but he chooses not to be home.

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Annaishere · 18/07/2023 23:14

If he has a mental health issue he should see a psychiatrist. The GP is rubbish at treating people for this

Original poster
Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 09:21

We know what we need to do it is just hard, it makes me feel sick when I say no to giving him money but I know deep down it’s for the best. My husband and I have worked hard all year saving to take our youngest who is 11 on a summer holiday nothing flash a caravan holiday to Norfolk but it’s what we can afford and in the current climate it’s more than a lot of people/children will get. We feel guilty for going as we not our son will be constantly asking for money and when we say no he will just keep on more until we cave in. We have to be strong and reading what you are all saying is going to help

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 09:22

We even fill out the application forms but no job is good enough or doesn’t pay enough

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Floofydawg · 19/07/2023 09:26

You seriously need to stop with the guilt. That's what he's relying on.

tribpot · 19/07/2023 09:26

no job is good enough or doesn’t pay enough

Sure. A 21 year old piss-taking waster absolutely should be able to pick and choose what jobs he feels are worthy of his time 🙄

I don't know how you've ended up in a position where you feel guilty for taking an 11 year old on holiday because it limits how much you can subsidise this moocher, but it has to stop now. The first time you stand up to him will be the hardest, it will get easier as you get more practice.

MissWired · 19/07/2023 09:39

Ask him what happens when he's 60 and still living with you, relying on you for everything and all of a sudden you croak it leaving him stranded.

Tell him he needs thirty-odd years of pension contributions otherwise he'll have nothing in his old age.

Time to man up, OP.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/07/2023 09:46

Does he get PIP?

My Dd has anxiety. She doesn’t really ever leave the house.

GoldDuster · 19/07/2023 09:48

Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 09:21

We know what we need to do it is just hard, it makes me feel sick when I say no to giving him money but I know deep down it’s for the best. My husband and I have worked hard all year saving to take our youngest who is 11 on a summer holiday nothing flash a caravan holiday to Norfolk but it’s what we can afford and in the current climate it’s more than a lot of people/children will get. We feel guilty for going as we not our son will be constantly asking for money and when we say no he will just keep on more until we cave in. We have to be strong and reading what you are all saying is going to help

This sounds similar to an abusive relationship, take a step back and read this again. Your whole family is being held hostage by one of your sons demands. It's incredibly unhealthy, for all of you. All of your other children are watching.

Stop funding him. Starting now. Stop filling in application forms. I know you're trying to save him from himself, but you need to accept that he is his own person, he's a seperate entity, and let his life go where it's going to go anyway.

Alongwagtogohome · 19/07/2023 09:54

Hi op, my brother is the same and guess what, he's 35 and never once left home or even attempted to. He does have anxiety but it is massively overplayed. He pays my dad barely any money and never has, even when he worked. And he still feels hard done by. He's quit every job he's had within a couple of months, despite being clever. Every job is beneath him. He is entitled. You are making your son the same. Stop bank rolling him. He can work, if he's not too anxious to leave the house and meet his mates is he. You can love your son whilst putting in boundaries. Turn the WiFi off. Your daughters must be thinking the same as I do towards my brother, your enabling him. He has zero incentive to move out or get work

Biscuitsneeded · 19/07/2023 10:02

If he was just staying at home and refusing to leave he house, that might be real anxiety.

Socialising all night, sleeping all day, feeling anxious, forever needing more money, unable/unwilling to hold down a job sounds like cocaine use to me. Does he sniff a lot? Look thin? Does he seem excessively tired after nights out?

MMorales · 19/07/2023 10:16

Does he smoke weed?

This causes so many mental health issues now.

Agree with all the posts. But also see if you can stop him smoking weed if he does.

Karatema · 19/07/2023 10:17

He needs to grow up and be an adult. We told our 18 year old he wouldn't receive a penny from us if he remained unemployed (he had a roof over his head and we fed him). He went out and started earning with work from an agency! It made him realise that this type of work was not for him. He is now very successful in his chosen vocation.

Backstreets · 19/07/2023 10:18

too anxious to work, but not too anxious to go out at night, have a girlfriend, or sponge off that girlfriend’s family? He’s taking the piss and you’re not helping him in the slightest by enabling him.

Zwicky · 19/07/2023 10:22

I don’t get this at all. Why do you feel sick not giving a layabout adult money for socialising? Why are you giving him money at all? In can understand having adult dc still living at home and so essentially subbing them as young adults while they get on their feet but who pays for takeaways etc for grown men because they refuse to earn their own money? It’s certainly not a kind thing to do, infantilising him like this. If he’s spending your wages on drugs it’s doubly unkind.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 19/07/2023 10:22

Whataretheodds · 18/07/2023 18:33

What do I do?

Don't give him any cash
Don't do laundry for him
Don't give him lifts unless it's to a job interview or the job centre
Limit WiFi availability

Do support him practically to access help for his anxiety
Do offer to proofread applications for him, and practice interview questions.
Do feed him

Does he have any work experience or qualifications?

This.
Does he smoke weed?

Backstreets · 19/07/2023 10:27

Also I know this isn’t the correct view to have but ever since people started learning all the mental health terms a lot of bad behavior has become acceptable in a way it wasn’t before. My cousin sat on his arse for seven years because he was too anxious to work, meanwhile his girlfriend ran herself ragged working FT and taking care of their DC. I asked why the fuck cousin didn’t do the childcare since he was home all day and she said, well, because of his illness. Anyway he finally found a job he enjoys and now works FT, left the gf for another woman and still does no childcare. His illness seems to heavily manifest around things he doesn’t want to do, if you ask me, and op’s son sounds similar.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/07/2023 10:29

Our 20 year old has problems that are being worked through with professional help. They successfully study and are very competent at their part-time job.

You are being played. Stop facilitating.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/07/2023 10:43

He will always have a roof over his head and food to eat but he chooses not to be home.

@Lostmum8279 This is where you're going wrong. He has a permanent safety net that doesn't motivate him to change his situation.

He's taking you for a ride, so time for an ultimatum. In 3 months he needs to be paying you rent or moving out. And hold him to it.

Original poster
Lostmum8279 · 19/07/2023 10:45

No he doesn’t smoke weed thank goodness

OP posts:
mrsneate · 19/07/2023 10:49

My 21 year old son is the same. Except he also has a child. Last year I reached my limit when he didn't tell me again he'd lost his job and got his new girlfriend pregnant supposedly it's either the longest pregnancy in history or she want pregnant at all.

He now lives elsewhere after I told
Him I was done supporting his laziness if he couldn't keep his thing in his pants and stop having babies, he told me
To fuck off and left,

Honestly, best thing he ever did for me. MY anxiety is better.

He's still a bum with no job, kicked out of his girlfriends parents house a few weeks ago and is now sofa surfing.

Give your son a date he has to have a job by, stick to it, if he doesn't, he moves out

Catspyjamas17 · 19/07/2023 11:00

I think some young people take longer to grow up and actually it is not a modern phenomenon. That's not to say that you have to pander to their every whim and can be firm but kind and understanding at the same time.

Has he ever been assessed for ADHD/ASD? There is quite a correlation with anxiety.

https://www.brothersinarmsscotland.co.uk/our-support/support-for-males-18-plus/

Because Men Deserve Better

https://www.brothersinarmsscotland.co.uk/our-support/support-for-males-18-plus

CrotchetyQuaver · 19/07/2023 11:10

Time for some tough love.

Funny anxiety if he can go out socialising but not work

KingsHeath53 · 19/07/2023 11:24

Sounds like a family member i know.

As soon as the parents finally cut him off he got a job and found the structure really helped his mental health. He moved out and said it was the best thing that ever happened to him.

By infantilising him (in the nicest possible way) you are feeding the sense that he is unable to look after himself which will be feeding the anxiety.

user1491640499 · 19/07/2023 11:33

Similar for me my son has been to doctors though and is on tablets he has a job but been off sick alot I'm dreading today he has a meeting about it could be the sack he broke his finger last week said didn't want to go on the sick cause final warning and put holidays in but no they put him on the sick well his boss did, the big boss seeing him today with occupational health I'm waiting for the phone call he's in a union aswell but didn't ring them he borrowing money off me and his grandma stopping it can't do it anymore

EddieMunsen · 19/07/2023 11:39

Catspyjamas17 · 19/07/2023 11:00

I think some young people take longer to grow up and actually it is not a modern phenomenon. That's not to say that you have to pander to their every whim and can be firm but kind and understanding at the same time.

Has he ever been assessed for ADHD/ASD? There is quite a correlation with anxiety.

https://www.brothersinarmsscotland.co.uk/our-support/support-for-males-18-plus/

Ah, there it is! Wondering when this would be trotted out.