Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

21 year old son won’t work

157 replies

Lostmum8279 · 18/07/2023 18:24

Hi I don’t really know where to begin! My son is 21 years old , he won’t work as he suffers from anxiety but refuses to get help. He expects everyone else to pay for his socialising, he has run up debts all over the place and still asks me and my husband to pay for petrol to drive his car, takeaways etc. He sometimes lives at home or goes to his girlfriend until they get fed up with all the money he borrows and kick him out. What do I do? I understand his anxiety issue and it’s not easy for him but we are here to support him with counselling or whatever he needs but we can’t support him financially. He will always have a roof over his head and food to eat but he chooses not to be home.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

titchy · 18/07/2023 19:11

Lostmum8279 · 18/07/2023 18:42

But we feel like such bad parents that are failing him if we stop helping. Our 2 daughters are so different to him

You're failing him by enabling him. Failing him very badly.

SteveBuscemisRheumyEye · 18/07/2023 19:13

Doesn't sound very anxious...

3luckystars · 18/07/2023 19:14

What was he like at school?

are you sure it is just anxiety and there isn’t something underlying causing the anxiety?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

21 years old Families General parenting

Lottapianos · 18/07/2023 19:14

'You ARE failing him. Stop it! He needs to grow up and you are the reason he isn’t as you are enabling this lazy lifestyle.'

This

You all sound very stuck in the same script, which has probably been running for years - DS 'has anxiety', so 'cant' do this and 'cant' do that and 'needs' certain things from his parents. Anxiety is part of life, anxiety about leaving school and starting work is perfectly normal and understandable. You are all going to stay stuck in this unhealthy dynamic unless you stop enabling it and start to expect much more from him

GoldDuster · 18/07/2023 19:15

While you're bankrolling his party all night, sleep all day (have a little think if you can see any link between his anxiety and possible drug use), folding his pants and roasting chickens for him, he has got absolutely zero motivation to get his act together. None.

He's having you for a total mug, and you are failing him by enabling him to continue to live like this weird half life, it's preventing him from learning how to adult. There's a window in which he can do this, it won't be so cute when he's 40 and all his mates have moved on. This is a really unnatractive character trait and the longer it goes on the more he will get left behind in all areas of his life.

He needs to seek help with his anxiety, idenfity the cause of it, and get a job and stick to it, whether he likes it or not. No more pocket money, he's a grown man.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 18/07/2023 19:15

So his anxiety does not prevent him from driving, socialising or having a girlfriend? What does his girlfriend think about all this?

Natty13 · 18/07/2023 19:16

Lostmum8279 · 18/07/2023 18:42

But we feel like such bad parents that are failing him if we stop helping. Our 2 daughters are so different to him

You know those posts about the 50yo man who has never grown up, been living with mum doing it all for him financially his whole life, doesn't know how to pay a bill or wash a load of laundry and it's usually a sister or female relative posting about what to do now his mum has died or needs going into a home, how will he cope, he is such a burden on everyone else etc? Well that will be your son in 30 years if you don't put a stop to it. Nobody ever sets out to create a man child, it happens slowly. You'd be failing him if you don't nip it in the bud.

Meeting · 18/07/2023 19:16

You need to stop everything.

No money.
No phone bill paid.
No car insurance/petrol paid for.
No lifts.
Nothing.

If he can go out socialising why can't he work?

Dacadactyl · 18/07/2023 19:17

Approach your councils employment and skills support department to get him help.

Floofydawg · 18/07/2023 19:18

yogasaurus · 18/07/2023 18:41

Anxiety stopping him from working, but not from going out on your money.

Classic.

Tell him to get a job or move out.

Yep, I was about to say exactly this.

Blackbyrd · 18/07/2023 19:19

There is a growing number of inactive males aged between 18 and 25 who do nothing but game and smoke weed and then cite mental health issues. This will only get worse if you continue to condone it (through misplaced kindness). He needs to understand actions have consequences

NewJobDeflated · 18/07/2023 19:21

OP your behaviour is enabling him.

Why should he get help? He can live a carefree life without lifting a finger! He has absolutely no incentive to change.

STOP all the money now!

If he wants takeaways, petrol and a social life then at TWENTY ONE he can earn money to do so!

By the time I was that age I had left home, finished my degree and managed to support myself!

FedUpWithEverything123 · 18/07/2023 19:21

I don't buy the anxiety thing either. He seems perfectly fine when functioning in social situations

AuntieJune · 18/07/2023 19:23

If I'd pulled that shit my parents would have said: 'I'll give you something to be anxious about!'

He needs to stick at a job. He can't be arsed because losing a job has no consequence because the money's there whether he works or not.

Get him on basic sustenance (no petrol and take away and hand outs) if he wants extras, he works to pay for them.

Acheyknees · 18/07/2023 19:25

OP, it's never been easier for young people to get a job. He can't use the 'anxiety' excuse for not getting one. If he doesn't like interviews, fine join an agency and get a placement in a factory or warehouse - no interview required.

ConnieTucker · 18/07/2023 19:30

Your failing your daughters by expecting so little from your son.

stop allowing him to treat everyone in the house so poorly by not contributing.

KimWexlersPonyTail · 18/07/2023 19:32

If his anxiety is so bad he can't do an interviews how come he passed his driving test?
Nerves do not equal anxiety
He is playing you like a fiddle....

OddBoots · 18/07/2023 19:34

There are 2 probable ways he feels about this. Either he thinks 'I'm really on to a winner here getting Mum and Dad to pay my party life while I chill out" or he thinks "I'm not capable of working, even Mum and Dad agree or they wouldn't keep funding me" - I don't think you want either option for him to become embedded.

2chocolateoranges · 18/07/2023 19:39

He happily socialises with friends and his girlfriend has nights out but his “anxiety” stops him from working. He’s taking the piss and just being a freeloader. Stop giving him money and he will need to get a job to be able to survive.

piedbeauty · 18/07/2023 19:41

How come he's anxious about work yet happy to drive, socialise and shop? Sounds lazy and workshy to me.

OhcantthInkofaname · 18/07/2023 19:46

Lostmum8279 · 18/07/2023 18:42

But we feel like such bad parents that are failing him if we stop helping. Our 2 daughters are so different to him

Have you asked your daughters how they feel about your actions? You are failing him now!

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2023 19:53

Your son has trained you well, I see. He plays the anxiety card and you fall all over yourself to pander to his every need. Amazing how his anxiety doesn't prevent him from going out with his mates every night, eh?

Just stop it already. You are failing him by enabling him.

Datafan55 · 18/07/2023 19:56

I live on a council estate surrounded by a lot of people like this. They have no desire to work and also no incentive to work as - in their case - the state provides all the ready cash (for drugs, ciggies, takeaways, phones (all in plain sight)), places to live and rent they could ever need, and no one questions the way they live: not the state, and not their parents, who are often seen sitting around with them all the live long day and partying into the night (even on a Monday!) (although appreciate that's not you in your case, OP). The children grow up used to having all parents etc around all day and having everything effortlessly there, and they continue the cycle. Don't be that enabler! Providing all he needs is not what he needs. And one can survive without takeaways and cars etc; these are hardly core needs.

MrsMarzetti · 18/07/2023 20:01

The longer you allow him to scrounge off you, treat your home like a hostel and refuse to treat him as an adult the worse he will be. You are turning him into a manchild. Anxiety my backside, he has no anxiety about facing the world he is just a workshy lazy waster because mummy and daddy allow him to be. Harsh ? Yes but until you step up and be a parent he will tramp all over you. You are the only one that can sort this.

momtoboys · 18/07/2023 20:05

Why would he work? He gets everything he needs without lifting a finger. Cut him off.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread