Parents do you think you would have been as happy without kids?

[James637]

I’m debating which way to go, and currently very on the fence.

Do you think if you hadn’t had kids you could have been as happy and fulfilled?

It seems like as you get older family and especially children and leaving something behind become the point of life.

I’m struggling to imagine other routes, there’s no life map for childfree people. Anyone know examples of people who lived meaningful lives childfree? (And I mean people you actually know, not Mother Teresa etc)

Interesting points!

Do you live in an Urban area?

I think that would make a lot more sense to me for a couple without children rather than suburbia

For most people who have wanted and planned children then it’s sort of impossible to say, before I had a family I felt very sad at the possibility of it not happening. I can’t say for sure that I’d have come to terms with it and been happy without. We’ll never know.

Had I come to terms with it and met my partner now, I would certainly be happy as we’d have found other things to do with our lives for sure. I look at childfree friends and do envy their freedom and lack of responsibility. But the reality is I wanted kids and had I not been able to, yes I’d have been happy but would I have been totally happy with the outcome - no, as it wasn’t what I wanted.

I do believe women can be happy and totally satisfied without being a parent but really only if they have not experienced a level of wanting them (or have done an excellent job of coming to terms with it not happening)

Would you say its the same for men?!

James637, no, very rural (I love spending time in cities, just wouldn't want to live in one). I think your point carries as well with urban living or rural living.

Grumpigal, I think your last paragraph is spot on. I don't think I'm missing out in the slightest because I never wanted children. It must be agony for someone who does and it doesn't happen for them.

Most these women who don’t have them though it’s not by choice!

I am in London and spend my free time going to the theatre, concerts, at galleries, seeing friends, cooking and hiking, so am exactly like any child free person, now my kids are young adults. Sometimes I go alone, sometimes with DH or friends.

Lentilweaver, yes, as I said in my post my life is pretty much like the lives of people with children, just without the children.

We live in a small market town.
We have a spacious home and enjoy the peace of our surroundings.
Why is a childfree person more likely to live in an urban area!?

I guess because less need for a garden and don’t need to be near particular schools etc so it’s maybe preferred to live in urban areas where there’s more ‘adult’ things to do and better career options. Take central London for example, or even San Francisco is like a childfree zone

No way. I'd be desperate to feel that unconditional love you only get with a child. I'd feel empty.

Of course I'd be fantastically better off financially and have the freedom that I do long for.

Most these women who don’t have them though it’s not by choice!
I doubt that's true. If a woman of the generation who are 45 today wanted to have children, they have many options to get there one way or another.

I don't think I'm missing out in the slightest because I never wanted children. It must be agony for someone who does and it doesn't happen for them.
Infertility is usually a pretty agonising experience for the individuals concerned. The experience of infertility is, however, an episode in life. It is not a lifetime.

No, I absolutely adore being a Mum. I didn't think I would love it as much because I always found kids boring.

A difficult question to answer . I was in my late 30s when I had DS, had been married a few years and was almost accepting that it wouldn't happen - but still thinking I had a few years left before I had to make a decision of whether to seek conception assistance.

Yet we were perfectly happy, enjoyed going away on several holidays a year , eating out etc

I can't imagine, now, what that would have been like to have been my total life - if that makes sense . Now late 50s, back to my pre-child life and loving it - but it's so much richer with having my adult child in it . And I really loved all my years of being a mum. I won't lie, the first couple of years were hard and stressful, but after that i would say it's the best thing to have happened to me . I loved spending time with my child for who he was, the endless discussions around power rangers with a 5 year old, various YouTubers with a teen etc

I've never looked on having children as leaving something behind when I'm gone, tbh, that seems a strange reason to have children. And whereas I would be devastated if my DC was no longer part of my life, I don't think having children to care in your old age is a good reason either .

I had 3 children in my 20s and it has been hard. I've also become a lone parent. Knowing what I know now at parenting, I'd have probably had a much nicer life without them.

However, whilst it has been very tough being a lone parent, I think the long game is important to remember. I work with the elderly and see a lot of people with no family/children and it is so sad and lonely for them.

Thanks a lot OP for this thread. I'm in exactly the same position as you, it's been very useful and (so far) has been very reflective without too much bashing either side.

One thing I really struggle with is people saying "if you don't really want them, don't have them" - but how can you possibly know whether you really want the reality of what being a parent will be, until you've had them? Those who have answered "no, but I really wanted kids" - was the reality what you expected?

No problem! Nice to know it’s helping a few of us!

Exactly! It is literally jumping off a cliff and hoping for the best! I agree that you have to take risks in life and this is the biggest decision of all and massive stakes. I think it’s good to hear of other people who are thinking it through properly instead of ‘it’s just what you do’

'However, whilst it has been very tough being a lone parent, I think the long game is important to remember. I work with the elderly and see a lot of people with no family/children and it is so sad and lonely for them.'

I spent years visiting an elderly relative in a care home because her own children couldn't be bothered, and the care home staff told me it's not unusual. A visit at Christmas or on a birthday, but not much more. I remember spending half an hour talking to a lovely lady who told me excitedly of her son coming to take her out, and they went for a drive and had tea at a garden centre. This outing had happened months earlier and despite the son living locally he hadn't been to see his mother for weeks. She told me, very proudly, that her son is very important at work and very busy. It just made me feel .

I've also noticed, lovely as my siblings are, that when DParents were alive it was very much down to me to do the bulk of the visiting, advocating and caring, because my siblings always had the excuse of children taking up their time (even though by the time parents needed help these 'children' were older teens and twenties )

And yes not much bashing from either side which is nice! 😊

I'd always known (since being a child) that I wanted children. I had such a strong, overwhelming biological urge to be a mother. Before I had children I used to channel it in to friends and family and mother everyone. Because of this I think I would have felt great pain if I hadn't had children.
Yes having children was exactly how I expected it to be. I knew it would be wonderful but tough and relentless too. I have to say actually living through it is completely different to just imagining though! But still I'm very glad I got to have children.

Oh OP. Again, I mean this kindly, but even to think of it in terms of 'sides' is showing some slightly disordered thinking. Really, your question here is 'Do you regret having children'? If lots of people said yes, then you feel it would give you permission to make a decision and have something to have the responsibility for that decision onto. Are you actually in a position to have children any time soon?

No.

I'd feel as if a part of me was missing.

I didn't have kids until I was 32. In my group I was extremely late start a family.

I was happy, don't get me wrong. But didn't feel 100% complete.

In defence of the OP - as someone who reads a lot of these threads, they usually descend into people bashing each other and an argument between CF people and parents. IRL I would never consider it in terms of "sides" but on these threads it usually is!
It's nice to read a thread that's got to 8 pages without that so far!

I’d have been happier without.

Unless you have an overwhelming and life long desire to have kids, I wouldn’t do it.

It’s limits your life in myriad ways. And it’s tiring and hard work. Kids aren’t free range any
more which puts a massive time burden on parents. Then there’s the worry and stress.

There are so many other things to do with your life.

Does anyone who of any celebrity couples who are older and childfree and are living fun lives? I wanna instagram them and see what’s possible 😂😂

I know Dave Franco and Alison Brie said they are happy with cats!

@ImpressiveNorks Oh ok, fair dos, I don't read many of these threads so yes it did strike me as really odd to see it as 'sides' and the generalisations and black and white thinking from posters don't seem particularly helpful. The OP earlier had said something like '12 points for Team having kids or something' and it just seemed strange... I suppose on here it's like a banal 'Would you move to London?' type question with lots of people feeling the need to fiercely defend their status of either living or not living in London, which is also obviously not rational.