Parents do you think you would have been as happy without kids?

[James637]

I’m debating which way to go, and currently very on the fence.

Do you think if you hadn’t had kids you could have been as happy and fulfilled?

It seems like as you get older family and especially children and leaving something behind become the point of life.

I’m struggling to imagine other routes, there’s no life map for childfree people. Anyone know examples of people who lived meaningful lives childfree? (And I mean people you actually know, not Mother Teresa etc)

I wanted kids very much, I would have been devastated if I hadn't been able to have them.
The question is, do you want children? Asking other people of they'd have been happy without children isn't going to help you with your decision. You need to know what you want from life.

If I had decided not to have kids, I think I would have been perfectly happy without them and found other things in my life to bring joy and purpose. But I definitely wanted kids and if I hadn't had them, I'm sure I would have been absolutely devastated and would have continued to feel this way always.

I really wanted kids so it’s different. It was never in question. I think if you aren’t 100% sure then it’s possibly not the right time for you. I agree though that there is no roadmap for childfree children and the expectation that I would have children, from my family, was very apparent and a bit stressful. Even though I wanted them. The expectations were 1. Get A Levels 2. Go to University 3. Get a graduate job and have a ‘proper’ career for ten years 4. Have children, give up career/‘have it all’. It was a bit stressful, looking back. Wish I’d said sod it and gone travelling while I could!

I wish I’d had that kind of pressure and roadmap/guidance! My parents were all ‘as long as you’re happy we don’t mind’, but this is exactly what I wish I’d done! (Perhaps in a career that included travel!) Grass is always greener I guess :)

I definitely would have.
I think it's different if you choose not to have them as opposed to want to but can't.
Infertility brings its own sadness.

Yes! This roadmap of life thing is so annoying! People say you are free to do whatever you want with your life and I agree but when the vast majority are taking the traditional routes it takes courage to step off that track and take a different route (without any map)

The 2.4 children thing is so ingrained in society that if you decide you don’t want that, you’ve got to work bloody hard to create another type of life and be confident about your choices forever.

arghhhhh so much stress!!

you’ve got to work bloody hard to create another type of life

More negative language from you about childfree people, OP.
I'm nearly 40 and not having kids has been easy.
I've not 'worked bloody hard to create another type of life'. I'm just...me.

Sorry not trying to be negative, just sharing my fears that’s alll!!

There's some very black and white thinking in this thread. Loss is a fundamental aspect of the human condition, as is the realisation that the existence of other individuals does not truly grant your existence with meaning and fulfillment. Billions of parents who find life meaningless and unfulfilling have existed. Billions of childfree people, whether by choice or chance, have had meaningful and fulfilling experiences.

OP, I say this kindly, working on your general anxiety is what will help you most in your quest for a fulfilling life.

Thanks I think you are right. I guess it’s just being scared of picking the wrong choice and later regretting (which is probably black and white thinking I’m sure) but then hearing people on here say that they would have been sad without having kids so of reenforces that I might feel that way later down the line. It seems regret over having kids seems pretty slim (1 in 12 I read) and I guess it’s easier to not hate yourself as much if you figure you made the wrong choice later down the line, but it was the one that society pushed you towards. If I go childfree, I almost only have myself to blame! 🙈

With your very rigid outlook, there is zero possibility that you could have a happy life without kids. So stop droning on with your naval gazing and just get on with it 🙄

Thanks for your kind words!

I always wanted children, but I didn’t find anyone I wanted to have them with until my 30’s, so I did a lot of travelling which I loved. I had started to think what if I don’t meet anybody to have children with/ or did and we couldn’t have them- would I be happy? I think I could come to terms with it and still been very happy but it would have to have included long term travel in lots of sunshine! A normal life at home wouldn’t have worked for me without children.

I think too many people focus on the wrong side of the question.

Instead of asking whether it would make you fulfilled and happy, ask yourself whether you believe you have the capacity to fulfill all of a child’s needs and guide them through life with the amount of love, support and patience that they’re going to need?

People often take the idea of being a parent too lightly but at no point can you just completely give up on raising a small human, are you committed to being relied upon for the next two decades?

My advice is, if you’re on the fence don’t do it just because you feel like it might make you happy and fulfilled, do it because you want to raise well-rounded, happy, fulfilled people.

The 2.4 children thing is so ingrained in society that if you decide you don’t want that, you’ve got to work bloody hard to create another type of life and be confident about your choices forever.

One in 5 women currently reach the age of 45 without ever having children, so the expectation to have them is not as ingrained as you think - or certainly many women don't feel that pressure.

Nobody can be confident about any of their choices for ever, life is fluid, things change, people who chose to be child free meet a new partner with children and take them into their lives, people have children who leave their lives for one reason or another.

OP, it is no more necessary to work hard to create another type of life for yourself if you don't have children than it is to create a life for yourself and your children should you have them.

It seems to me that you need to sort out your own issues and what most brings you happiness before you are able to decide on this next big step in your life.

Your whole premise about having children at the moment seems to be based on non-specific societal pressures and a firm belief that you are not enough. Sort that out first and things will fall into place.

there’s no life map for childfree people

That's a good thing surely. The result is complete freedom to make life your own. If we humans are really lucky we can make our own map either for ourselves or for ourselves and our children. What a gift!

it’s easier to not hate yourself as much if you figure you made the wrong choice later down the line

The secret to a contented and fulfilled life is not the having or not having of children, but the learning not to love yourself whatever choices you've made.

Sorry.....of course that last line should have read....

The secret to a contented and fulfilled life is not the having or not having of children, but the learning to love yourself whatever choices you've made.

Honestly.... no!

So I didn't know if I wanted children or not, didn't get much time to figure it out. Got pregnant as a teen and because I have a huge and very supportive family, decided to go for it and become a teen mother. I know. Many pearls were grasped.

I ended up marrying her father, after several years once we'd grown up a bit.

I surprised myself by loving being a mum. But I had an enormous amount of help. My mum, my aunties, my siblings, my grandparents who were also young, eventually my in laws too.

I'm 32 now with a teenager who is an absolute delight and I love her to bits. I wouldn't change anything that lead me here, but I would never have another child now. I'm approaching the point where we can basically live like childfree people again and I really can't wait. My daughter is wonderful and I love her to death, but I am not a broody person and get no joy from babies, have no desire to have babies again now I'm older and wiser. I can't wait to see her grow up and spread her wings over the next few years.

It's a very personal decision, and I had to have a kid to realise I don't want any more. Being 100% honest, if I hadn't had a literal village to help me raise her, I'd probably have chosen the childfree life myself. It's definitely more what I'm suited for, and I know I'd have been happy and fulfilled if I never had children, just in a different way. Only you can know what suits you personally though.

No. I knew I wanted to have dc from a very young age. My father's sister who is infertile adopted and I as a child was exposed/ saw her life change for the better (from my point of view). My cousin were welcomed into the family from when I was eight year old.

I'm not telling you to adopt. Just how I saw one example of infertile person deal with her experience.

My dad also has another infertile cousin but she has step children and I would not in a million years want that for anyone else. Not blended family, but the type of relationship she has with her abusive husband, whom she hates but is staying for the step children. Then she started to resent the children she loved.

The only other person who remaind child free was a family friend. Her husband didn't want children, until she was in her fifties. They ended up divorced and he now has three children. She was ok with it, with grited teeth until he had a daughter. She started taking antidepressants and no children were allowed near her for a while.

I think we’d probably be as happy without, would probably be more involved with nieces and nephews and godchildren than we are if we hadn’t had our own.

Children do bring stress and expense. And it’s very true that you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child!
I am happy we are parents, but also looking forward to being able to do my own thing soon now they’re on the verge of adulthood. I’ve found teenagers much better fun than toddlers, which were mind numbingly dull years!

I have found having young adult children very hard. I was doing ok until then. One of them went off the rails in the pandemic, is only just recovering. I sometimes feel like I have done wrong by bringing them into this world, because it's a bleak outlook for their generation in so many ways.

I had hoped that most of my work would be done by 18, but these days costs are so high that most of my friends have DC living with them until they are 30, and parenting seems to be a lifelong thing. Many of my women friends are completely exhausted with the emotional labour.

Sorry, but you asked.

No, I would have always felt incomplete. My life would have been easier certainly, but when I think about my life without my child it feels utterly pointless.

I respect that other people have different paths and find happiness without children, I just think it would have been very difficult for me.

When you say pointless… you literally mean nothing else could have filled the gap? Nieces, nephews, travel, volunteering?

BunnyBettChetwynd, your post describes the way I feel about the issue. I've never wanted children, never had any maternal feelings. I have a nice life, but it's probably very similar to other people's lives, just without the children.

We're not high fliers, we don't jet off around the world at the drop of a hat, or spend our weekends drinking cocktails and eating in fabulous restaurants.

If we'd had kids, we would have, as most parents do, wanted the best for them, loved them, cared for them, nurtured and protected them.

Because I didn't want children, I don't feel as if I'm missing out on anything.

My relationship with my DH is rock solid - I've noticed via friends and family that even the strongest relationships falter and often break down when children are added to the mix - my home life is calm, tidy and quiet - just the way I like it.

One of my main reasons for not wanting children was the thought of having to spend time with other children to ensure our own were socialised, had friends and did sleepovers, playdates, sports and the like - my idea of hell.

We do go on holidays, but they've never been spent at theme parks or child friendly resorts, we spend our free time hiking, pursuing hobbies, seeing friends, cooking and gardening together, going to concerts and the theatre, so our lives are full of things we love.

As for childfree people being inherently selfish, I disagree (well, I would, wouldn't I . The most selfish thing you can do is bring a child into the world. You're doing it 100% for you, not for the child.