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Original poster

Will leaving newborn overnight effect bond

244 replies

EmmaLeaa · 28/06/2023 09:50

My baby is 4 weeks old and me and partner have a couple plans this month, he has a great relationship with family members and always been around family members since birth. Will me leaving him overnight with grandparents couple times this month effect his bond with me? I’m a first time mum and don’t want him to forget I’m his mum. He stayed at my mums last weekend and my partners mum offered to have him this weekend so she can bond better with him, and then next weekend he is staying at my mums. Is this too many nights away from me? It will be 3 in total this month.

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Screamingabdabz · 28/06/2023 14:39

SaulGoodman1 · 28/06/2023 14:15

We have a major PND crisis in this country and this is exactly why. No community, extended family or support for new mums.

We must let the rest of the world know the mums are ‘unusual’ and their newborns are distressed. You know, in the countries where multi generational living is the norm and babies are even breastfed by other women. Where grandparents and aunties also take over baby care whilst the new mum recoups. They are causing distress and are not normal. They are selfish and not prioritising their babies.

Did you not know OP, that you now need to distance yourself from your extended families and focus on ‘your little family’. Preferably go NC with your MIL too. Your DP is also a sex pest and selfish so maybe LTB too. You should also go back to work full time to become financially independent and put your baby into full time childcare 8am - 6pm 5days a week. It’s the only way.

But what you can do is be away from your newborn for essential reasons like medical appointments, hospital stays and pre planned events. Even if it’s weeks. That causes no issues or problems for your baby. But if it’s for fun or non-essential reasons then it does cause problems. The baby understands the reasons you see, so if it’s hospital for a week then the newborn will be fine, but if it’s for fun then they will be distressed. It’s ‘different’ because the newborn will be able to differentiate between essential and nonessential reasons.

Oh and you can leave them to go back to work at 6 weeks old, full time, because they will ‘adore’ nursery and their key worker and speak fondly of them for years to come. But not overnight with grandma. That is selfish and causing upset. Go NC with her.

This is how batshit mumsnet can be.

This is totally misrepresenting what most proportionate posters are saying. And if you don’t read reasons for caution then good for you. But calling women batshit for speaking plainly is pure misogyny and hypocrisy.

Mysleepisbroken · 28/06/2023 14:47

SaulGoodman1 · 28/06/2023 14:15

We have a major PND crisis in this country and this is exactly why. No community, extended family or support for new mums.

We must let the rest of the world know the mums are ‘unusual’ and their newborns are distressed. You know, in the countries where multi generational living is the norm and babies are even breastfed by other women. Where grandparents and aunties also take over baby care whilst the new mum recoups. They are causing distress and are not normal. They are selfish and not prioritising their babies.

Did you not know OP, that you now need to distance yourself from your extended families and focus on ‘your little family’. Preferably go NC with your MIL too. Your DP is also a sex pest and selfish so maybe LTB too. You should also go back to work full time to become financially independent and put your baby into full time childcare 8am - 6pm 5days a week. It’s the only way.

But what you can do is be away from your newborn for essential reasons like medical appointments, hospital stays and pre planned events. Even if it’s weeks. That causes no issues or problems for your baby. But if it’s for fun or non-essential reasons then it does cause problems. The baby understands the reasons you see, so if it’s hospital for a week then the newborn will be fine, but if it’s for fun then they will be distressed. It’s ‘different’ because the newborn will be able to differentiate between essential and nonessential reasons.

Oh and you can leave them to go back to work at 6 weeks old, full time, because they will ‘adore’ nursery and their key worker and speak fondly of them for years to come. But not overnight with grandma. That is selfish and causing upset. Go NC with her.

This is how batshit mumsnet can be.

Well said!
.
The you get the posters that think going out for an afternoon or evening is fine, but not overnight, even though baby is too young to even know what a night 😂

Its nonsense to say that when the bond is effected depends purely on how 'good' a reason mum has for being away.

GoldfincTart · 28/06/2023 14:53

You seem completely blind/ deaf to the the subtext that's screaming out to several of us and has nothing to do with the baby.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
Hugasauras · 28/06/2023 15:05

The thing is, of course it isn't ideal for babies to spend 6 weeks away from their parents when they're in neonatal and in an incubator without much human contact, etc. But it cannot be helped. I don't think that it 'doesn't matter'; I think it does matter for both, although to what degree and whether it has any long-term effect I don't know and would hope not, but there's no point in saying so or telling a mum whose baby is in the ICU that as they can't do anything about it and it's not in their power to change. So no I don't think it's 'fine' for a baby to not be with its mother very much for the first six weeks for its life, but I don't think maybe people think that is fine either or something, it's just something that has to happen and any potential negative consequences are obviously going to be outweighed by, you know, keeping your baby alive.

And I think it's quite obvious what the difference is between going out for dinner for two hours and going away overnight, around 12 or more hours. Personally we wouldn't have done either at that age, but you have to be being deliberately obtuse to pretend there's no difference. Is the 'baby doesn't know how long 12 hours is' the new version of 'baby won't remember'? Of course they don't know how long 12 hours is, but they live in the moment and two hours of potential distress is better than 12 hours, whether they know how long it is or not.

I don't really care what other people do with their babies. I think it's too much for a 4-week-old, I wouldn't have done it with mine, OP asked for opinions and got them. Sometimes I think the 'You have to look after my own mental health!' brigade have gone too far the other way; of course you do, but that doesn't mean at the detriment to a 4-week-old baby. It's a mentally tough time for pretty much every new mother, but sometimes we have to sacrifice a bit of our ideal mental state for what's best for them, and I think this is one of those times. But others might disagree and that's fine, their babies, their decision.

GiraffeLaSophie · 28/06/2023 15:09

SaulGoodman1 · 28/06/2023 14:15

We have a major PND crisis in this country and this is exactly why. No community, extended family or support for new mums.

We must let the rest of the world know the mums are ‘unusual’ and their newborns are distressed. You know, in the countries where multi generational living is the norm and babies are even breastfed by other women. Where grandparents and aunties also take over baby care whilst the new mum recoups. They are causing distress and are not normal. They are selfish and not prioritising their babies.

Did you not know OP, that you now need to distance yourself from your extended families and focus on ‘your little family’. Preferably go NC with your MIL too. Your DP is also a sex pest and selfish so maybe LTB too. You should also go back to work full time to become financially independent and put your baby into full time childcare 8am - 6pm 5days a week. It’s the only way.

But what you can do is be away from your newborn for essential reasons like medical appointments, hospital stays and pre planned events. Even if it’s weeks. That causes no issues or problems for your baby. But if it’s for fun or non-essential reasons then it does cause problems. The baby understands the reasons you see, so if it’s hospital for a week then the newborn will be fine, but if it’s for fun then they will be distressed. It’s ‘different’ because the newborn will be able to differentiate between essential and nonessential reasons.

Oh and you can leave them to go back to work at 6 weeks old, full time, because they will ‘adore’ nursery and their key worker and speak fondly of them for years to come. But not overnight with grandma. That is selfish and causing upset. Go NC with her.

This is how batshit mumsnet can be.

Or maybe people just realise that if you need to leave your tiny baby to go into hospital then there’s nothing you can do about it, so it would be nasty behaviour to mention the fact that the baby might be distressed.

You sound quite determined to go regardless of what people say OP, so I’m not really sure why you’re asking. I would personally say it would be better to go out for dinner or go to the cinema if you want time together as a couple, but he’s your baby at the end of the day so as long as he’s safe and with people who care about him that’s the important thing.

Yiayi · 28/06/2023 15:13

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FernGully43 · 28/06/2023 15:32

Sorry op but time with your partner is not "needed" when you have a 4 week old baby🤦🏼‍♀️ your baby is in the 4th trimester and only knows you. My second is 5 months and I wouldn't leave him yet, nor does my relationship need attention cause my husband and I understand babies come first right now...

Mysleepisbroken · 28/06/2023 16:02

I disagree that you don't need time with your partner, but maybe it would be healthier long term to find ways of having time together with baby still around.

We went through a stage with our child where we couldn't go away because of her medical needs. For most of the time, we had to be in the same room as her.

We played board games sat on the floor of our bedroom whilst resting take away pizza, things like that.

In fact, the most romantic wedding anniversary we've had since she came along, she was only 2 weeks old, and she was in her moses basket and we had a lovely meal together at home. We've also taken her to meals out and parties. That sort of thing is a lot easier when they are so young.

Time together alone is really important, but it's also not very practical to have much of it right now. So find ways to nurture your relationship which dont involve being away from baby. Go on days out together with your child.

I remember a lovely date I had with my husband. We visited a lovely pub, and then on the way home, we had a sunset stroll along the beach before snuggling up on the sand whilst eating fish and chips. It was nauseatingly romantic, but also quite lovely. The moment wasnt ruined by our 3 week old, in a sling on my front...

sianyflewog · 28/06/2023 16:07

There’s so much negativity on here. And some of the comments make me feel so sad - this is a new Mum that needs support, not people’s criticisms. Trust your instincts @EmmaLeaa, and if you feel comfortable leaving him, then do. Alternatively, if you think the 3 nights is too much over the course of the few weeks, then why don’t you ask them to babysit and you come back to him overnight?

MyTruthIsOut · 28/06/2023 16:15

It won’t affect your bond but I imagine it will be very distressing for the baby.

When I had mine I wanted them as close to me as possible, I couldn’t bear being away from them. I cannot make sense of the idea of a mother wanting to be away from her newborn three nights a month and not be considering how this may impact the baby AT THAT POINT IN TIME.

Rather than worry about your long term bond, or your relationship, focus your worries instead on the short term, acute experience on your newborn when it’s mother suddenly disappears. That’s what angle you should be looking at this from.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 28/06/2023 16:33

Honestly my concern would be the bond from your side. It's really not normal to have others babysit your newborn overnight, let alone 4+ times before he's a month old. Despite what you say you are prioritising your boyfriend over your newborn and that's very disturbing.

Bluebelles23 · 28/06/2023 16:56

Too many comments to read but just to hop on, no leaving him in someone else's capable hands who will respond to his needs will in no way affect your relationship with your baby. I had to go into hospital for a few nights when my baby was 2 weeks, I felt terrible guilt as I didn't have her with me but everything was fine and we have the best bond

Stacybrown · 28/06/2023 17:03

No my parents helped with my DD a fair amount, she is now 1 and she’s attached to me but also it’s great with other people so think it worked out really well.

Stacybrown · 28/06/2023 17:08

I’ve just read all the comments and this is ridiculous, take all the help you can and make time for yourself. Your baby will be absolutely fine; you and your partner will be good and that will be more beneficial to your baby.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 28/06/2023 17:29

Hospitalisations and medical emergencies aside.

This is fucking barking mad. A 4 week old baby being left with ppl other than his parents so you can bond as a couple?!?!,! Like wtf have I actually read. Had to read the tread twice to be sure.

Why, oh why would there be any valid reason beyond Hospital etc to leave a new born!?!,! As a couple, the born stage is fucking hard. Even harder if alone. Bond over the love of your child and the routines you will create, family traditions to start, not over weekends away. Pardon me a night away.

This is honestly the most selfish thing I have read on this forum. The nights away can wait. Your little one won't be this little for long.

SuperSange · 28/06/2023 17:29

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 28/06/2023 16:33

Honestly my concern would be the bond from your side. It's really not normal to have others babysit your newborn overnight, let alone 4+ times before he's a month old. Despite what you say you are prioritising your boyfriend over your newborn and that's very disturbing.

This. You're saying your baby is your priority, but they're not. Keeping your partner happy seems to be. You've not answered the question above; are you aware of the 4th trimester? The baby doesn't even know they're a separate entity to you yet.

Purple89 · 28/06/2023 17:32

Only read the first few comments but can't believe how judgemental some people are. Would the comments be the same if it was the man?

It will be absolutely fine OP. Hope you enjoy yourself and get some r and r xx

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/06/2023 17:34

Purple89 · 28/06/2023 17:32

Only read the first few comments but can't believe how judgemental some people are. Would the comments be the same if it was the man?

It will be absolutely fine OP. Hope you enjoy yourself and get some r and r xx

Of course it wouldn't.

Mothers get judged far more than fathers.

Hugasauras · 28/06/2023 17:41

Well yes, if a man suggested they both leave their newborn for three nights so they could go out on the town I think he'd get an even worse response honestly!

The thing here is that both parents are going, not just one. I think OP would have got gentler responses if the baby was staying with her husband overnight, not with neither parent.

MamboGoddessHere · 28/06/2023 17:43

I wouldn't.

avocadotofu · 28/06/2023 17:46

That's an awful lot of time away from you. I couldn't have done it personally but I guess if it works for you go for it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/06/2023 17:46

Hugasauras · 28/06/2023 17:41

Well yes, if a man suggested they both leave their newborn for three nights so they could go out on the town I think he'd get an even worse response honestly!

The thing here is that both parents are going, not just one. I think OP would have got gentler responses if the baby was staying with her husband overnight, not with neither parent.

I don’t think he would. The mother is always judged more.

It’s not an issue that both are going for me, as long as OP and her partner feel ready it comes down to personal choice.

MamboGoddessHere · 28/06/2023 17:47

EmmaLeaa · 28/06/2023 11:00

No baby wasn’t planned, that’s not the point either as I love him just as much, planned or not. (Not in a rude way) I suppose there’s a lot of mixed feelings and I’m understanding all points, including the judgments. My baby is safe, very well looked after, very loved by me and my family and partner. Things are rocky sometimes with me and partner which is why I’m trying to include time together where we can focus and talk and spend time together but my main priority is my baby and making sure he is loved which is why I’ve made this post. There’s no reason to assume my life and feelings, my mental health is fine. It’s not always blue skies and birds which is why I’m just trying to improve everything I can as a 24 year old women. Leaving working life, adapting to maternity allowance and keeping a home for my baby since house prices have gone up, not seeing friends as much you need to remember Im still very young, it’s a hard adjustment but my little boy is thriving as much as he can as a newborn baby. Im very lucky to have the family I do and the support network I do and not many people get that opportunity. Please do not assume my baby is stressed. Do not assume my baby is not loved. You are wrong if you assume those things. My main concern is my baby’s bond and love for me which is the main question in this post because I love him very much and I love being a mum even when it’s hard. My pregnancy was very hard, I was very poorly with diabetes, my birth was very hard and quite traumatic and had to have an emergency c section, adapting to my new body and scar is also very hard. So I’m just trying to make a healthy balance for myself, my relationship and most IMPORTANTLY my baby. 😊 I’m sure most can relate to this.

Then sounds like your partner should be looking after YOU op.
I'm sorry if this sounds judgmental. You had a csec you're supposed to rest for 8 weeks. Your baby's father should be coming last as you heal!

Hugasauras · 28/06/2023 17:50

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/06/2023 17:46

I don’t think he would. The mother is always judged more.

It’s not an issue that both are going for me, as long as OP and her partner feel ready it comes down to personal choice.

Show quote history

I've seen threads from men on here before talking about how the feel their wife/gf needs to leave their newborn baby to have some 'couple time' and they've been slaughtered, so I don't agree. I do agree that if the scenario is one parent going out, one parent staying home, men get a far easier time, but I think some of that is to do with women almost universally being the primary carer for a newborn just due to biology.

Purple89 · 28/06/2023 18:44

The thing is though, of the month, she is spending the overwhelming majority of her time with her newborn. In some countries, mothers return to work after only a few weeks. These mothers will spend far less time with their baby than the OP. (I agree it's horrific that some women don't want to do this but have to do so financially- that's a whole other thread.)

I think in the push to ensure the best care for babies, sometimes women end up coming last. A woman needs to prioritise looking after herself in the months after birth. Who are we to decide how she should spend that time?

It's threads like this that make me realise feminism has a long way to go. The dialogue now seems to be - women need to push themselves to the absolute limit of their endurance raising their children, otherwise they are bad mothers. You can feel the judgement on this thread a mile away. It stinks, frankly.