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Will leaving newborn overnight effect bond

244 replies

EmmaLeaa · 28/06/2023 09:50

My baby is 4 weeks old and me and partner have a couple plans this month, he has a great relationship with family members and always been around family members since birth. Will me leaving him overnight with grandparents couple times this month effect his bond with me? I’m a first time mum and don’t want him to forget I’m his mum. He stayed at my mums last weekend and my partners mum offered to have him this weekend so she can bond better with him, and then next weekend he is staying at my mums. Is this too many nights away from me? It will be 3 in total this month.

OP posts:
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RogersOrganismicProcess · 29/06/2023 04:11

A newborns instinct to survive gives them a physiological drive to seek out and stay close to their mother. They recognise their mother by smell long before they can see.

When with their mother their olfactory bulb sends messages to the brain releasing endorphins, soothing and calming them. This is all they know of ‘love’ at this stage.

Sound has a similar effect, but baby still seeks out smell because this means they are likely to be being held. (One of the reasons baby wakes when put down in their own sleep space).

When separated from mum’s smell and sounds stress hormones flood their body. Some babies will cry, sadly others will freeze or flop and look as if they are calm. Again this is a survival mechanism to stop them being eaten. A baby doesn’t know that they are living in 2023 and that society has moved on. A baby doesn’t know if can be fed from anyone but mum. A baby doesn’t know that they aren’t living in a cave with a real risk from predators. It just has a deep instinct that being with mum=survival and food.

So yes, unfortunately being away from your baby, without it being medically necessary, is cruel. You are putting them under huge amounts of unnecessary stress, whether they cry or not.

Some people being fine with it, is irrelevant. I imagine they are looking from the situation from a social standpoint rather than a biopsychological one. Babies couldn’t give a hoot about equality.

As a minor point I would also question your bond with baby, if you felt able to be away from them at this stage. The physiological compulsion to be with them is generally reciprocal (but not always).

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 29/06/2023 07:40

RogersOrganismicProcess · 29/06/2023 04:11

A newborns instinct to survive gives them a physiological drive to seek out and stay close to their mother. They recognise their mother by smell long before they can see.

When with their mother their olfactory bulb sends messages to the brain releasing endorphins, soothing and calming them. This is all they know of ‘love’ at this stage.

Sound has a similar effect, but baby still seeks out smell because this means they are likely to be being held. (One of the reasons baby wakes when put down in their own sleep space).

When separated from mum’s smell and sounds stress hormones flood their body. Some babies will cry, sadly others will freeze or flop and look as if they are calm. Again this is a survival mechanism to stop them being eaten. A baby doesn’t know that they are living in 2023 and that society has moved on. A baby doesn’t know if can be fed from anyone but mum. A baby doesn’t know that they aren’t living in a cave with a real risk from predators. It just has a deep instinct that being with mum=survival and food.

So yes, unfortunately being away from your baby, without it being medically necessary, is cruel. You are putting them under huge amounts of unnecessary stress, whether they cry or not.

Some people being fine with it, is irrelevant. I imagine they are looking from the situation from a social standpoint rather than a biopsychological one. Babies couldn’t give a hoot about equality.

As a minor point I would also question your bond with baby, if you felt able to be away from them at this stage. The physiological compulsion to be with them is generally reciprocal (but not always).

What a collection of sexist, unscientific, passive-aggressive bullshit. Gtfo with your cod science and your judgement.

Moonshine160 · 29/06/2023 08:46

I think there’s a big difference between other family members having baby overnight in the early weeks because the mother needs this for her mental health (exhausted, overwhelmed, needs sleep), and leaving your baby overnight because you want to go out on your jollies with your boyfriend for the night. There will be plenty of nights in the future to have some child free time. 4 weeks is so tiny.

Interested in this thread?

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/06/2023 09:55

I'm assuming you're bottle feeding not breast? If so, get grandma to give him bottles sometimes when they visit so they are familiar to him
You don't want him stressed out by being fed in a weird way for him.

Some of my friends had maternity night nurses where a lady who stayed with them took their baby every night, and did the night feeds, and then gave back to mum in the morning. Some countries also take babies to the mini nursery to give mums a rests. All of them are well bonded - probably saved my friends from sleep deprivation and made them happier and better able to bond and play in the day.

To be honest it's just a couple of wake ups. My main worry was that the baby would be in a different environment- is it possible to swap homes so that the grandma stays at yours in the baby's familiar place?

If I needed to do this with my baby I would give some worn clothes that smell like me that they can drape over themselves when grandmas feed him to help
Comfort him.

You didn't ask this, but if you do have a night off I would really prioritize sleep over date night etc with the partner. I'm also a bit concerned that when he works so much he doesn't want to be with baby on his time off. If you can't 'keep' this guy without having to have time off away from your child he is not worth keeping.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 29/06/2023 14:00

Some parents clearly are comfortable with it. It doesn't mean they aren't bonded with their baby any less than the parent who doesn't leave their side until they start school at 4.

Of course they're less bonded than a parent who doesn't want to spend nights away from their four-week-old. That's not normal.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 29/06/2023 14:23

RogersOrganismicProcess · 29/06/2023 04:11

A newborns instinct to survive gives them a physiological drive to seek out and stay close to their mother. They recognise their mother by smell long before they can see.

When with their mother their olfactory bulb sends messages to the brain releasing endorphins, soothing and calming them. This is all they know of ‘love’ at this stage.

Sound has a similar effect, but baby still seeks out smell because this means they are likely to be being held. (One of the reasons baby wakes when put down in their own sleep space).

When separated from mum’s smell and sounds stress hormones flood their body. Some babies will cry, sadly others will freeze or flop and look as if they are calm. Again this is a survival mechanism to stop them being eaten. A baby doesn’t know that they are living in 2023 and that society has moved on. A baby doesn’t know if can be fed from anyone but mum. A baby doesn’t know that they aren’t living in a cave with a real risk from predators. It just has a deep instinct that being with mum=survival and food.

So yes, unfortunately being away from your baby, without it being medically necessary, is cruel. You are putting them under huge amounts of unnecessary stress, whether they cry or not.

Some people being fine with it, is irrelevant. I imagine they are looking from the situation from a social standpoint rather than a biopsychological one. Babies couldn’t give a hoot about equality.

As a minor point I would also question your bond with baby, if you felt able to be away from them at this stage. The physiological compulsion to be with them is generally reciprocal (but not always).

Are you high? 😂😂😂

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/06/2023 14:28

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 29/06/2023 14:00

Some parents clearly are comfortable with it. It doesn't mean they aren't bonded with their baby any less than the parent who doesn't leave their side until they start school at 4.

Of course they're less bonded than a parent who doesn't want to spend nights away from their four-week-old. That's not normal.

It doesn't mean they are less bonded at all.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 29/06/2023 15:07

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 29/06/2023 14:23

Are you high? 😂😂😂

I think “Are you high?” is possibly down there with “you smell of poo!” it terms of well argued debate. Well done!

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 29/06/2023 15:09

RogersOrganismicProcess · 29/06/2023 15:07

I think “Are you high?” is possibly down there with “you smell of poo!” it terms of well argued debate. Well done!

I was merely matching the quality of the absolutely cobblers you posted! Funny though. I hope that was your intention.

FunnysInLaJardin · 29/06/2023 22:43

I am so glad this thread has fizzled out and so hope the OP didn't come back to read the utter nonsense some folk have posted.

I hope those of you posting such cruel posts are happy with yourselves. Some of the stuff on here was unforgivable.

How could you level such vitriol at a young mum doing her best? Words have honestly failed me

Tannedandfake · 29/06/2023 22:46

Werewolfnotswearwolf · 28/06/2023 10:05

You do you, but I think that’s a lot. 4 weeks is no time at all, they are so so tiny. Surely you’re still recovering as well? I’m not sure I could have been away from my baby for any length of time when he was that little!

Completely agree! So 3 overnights within 6 weeks?

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 29/06/2023 22:50

I left DS1 overnight when he was about 4 weeks old. It hasn't affected our bond at all. We are incredibly close.

MummyJ36 · 29/06/2023 23:02

It sounds like you’re doing this for the benefit of your partner not yourself. I hate to say it but it may be best for your partner to move out for a bit whilst you bond with baby and spend that precious time with them. Perhaps you could even move back in with your parents for a bit. Like it or loathe it you are a mother now. That doesn’t mean losing yourself but it does mean in the short term that date nights and intimacy with your partner might have to go on a temporary back burner whilst you adjust. A good parter would be supporting you not demanding date nights at 4 weeks post partum. If he can’t accept that maybe you do genuinely need a break from each other.

AmITooOldToDoThis · 30/06/2023 07:47

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 29/06/2023 22:50

I left DS1 overnight when he was about 4 weeks old. It hasn't affected our bond at all. We are incredibly close.

This baby has been left when they were 2, 3 and 4 weeks old at best. Maybe even earlier. It’s not really the same.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/06/2023 09:34

AmITooOldToDoThis · 30/06/2023 07:47

This baby has been left when they were 2, 3 and 4 weeks old at best. Maybe even earlier. It’s not really the same.

You don’t have to agree with the op but no need make stuff up to make it sound worse.

The baby was left with the OPs mum “last week” so 3 weeks. This week and next week are the ones in question. It’s right there in the OP.

nothing about 2 weeks or “maybe even earlier”

AmITooOldToDoThis · 30/06/2023 09:50

My memory was warped by other posts.

OP says 3 nights in a month. Assuming baby turned 4 weeks old on the day she posted he would be left at 3, 4 and 5 weeks old. Not that different from what I said.

Jesss7747 · 25/12/2023 19:40

Hi can I ask if you’ve carried on with this and how is it going? I need sleep and my mum has been having my baby once a week overnight since she was 2 weeks old. I feel very comfortable with it and my baby doesn’t fuss when she’s away from me. It doesn’t change how much I love her, but all these people on this thread have got me worried now!!

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/12/2023 19:47

Jesss7747 · 25/12/2023 19:40

Hi can I ask if you’ve carried on with this and how is it going? I need sleep and my mum has been having my baby once a week overnight since she was 2 weeks old. I feel very comfortable with it and my baby doesn’t fuss when she’s away from me. It doesn’t change how much I love her, but all these people on this thread have got me worried now!!

Ignore them. Seriously.

Do what works for you and your baby.

Mine has had overnights every month or so since 6 weeks. We have an amazing bond and I absolutely love him just as much as the parent who hasn't left their 10 year old overnight.

CurlewKate · 25/12/2023 21:58

Can you take him to some of the events?

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