Will leaving newborn overnight effect bond

[EmmaLeaa]

My baby is 4 weeks old and me and partner have a couple plans this month, he has a great relationship with family members and always been around family members since birth. Will me leaving him overnight with grandparents couple times this month effect his bond with me? I’m a first time mum and don’t want him to forget I’m his mum. He stayed at my mums last weekend and my partners mum offered to have him this weekend so she can bond better with him, and then next weekend he is staying at my mums. Is this too many nights away from me? It will be 3 in total this month.

So you're asking if it will affect his bond with you. Probably not, he will wonder where you are but he might be a placid type of baby who is happy with grandparents, and I'm sure they'd take good care of him.

I think really you're posting because your gut feeling suggests there's something wrong with leaving a very small baby so much. That's because we evolve to protect our babies and our hormones and brain and what-not have an incredible drive to protect them and keep them close and safe when they're small.

So personally, I wouldn't have been able to relax or enjoy myself when away from my baby at that age. I'd long for time on my own but if I got it, I'd last maybe an hour before I was craving my baby again.

It sounds like you're afraid the relationship could break down because the pregnancy happened early on, so you're prepared to be away from your baby without really wanting to, for the sake of shoring up the relationship. That's understandable but as a parent, your child comes first. Above your partner.

I know it's complicated because a relationship with your partner is important too. But if your gut tells you not to leave your baby, don't leave your baby. Date night can wait a few months, if your partner would walk away because he can't wait that long then the relationship is not going to last anyway.

Baby will be fine. It kind of sets a precedent though that I wouldn't have been comfortable with when mine were tiny.

We did go out for dinner sometimes when they were tiny but were home after about 3 hours. That felt long enough for me personally. And it's long enough to connect with your partner.

I completely understand your relationship being important, there are lots of things your partner could do to help your relationship stay on track, none of which require you to be away from your baby. Alone time isn’t the only way to work on a relationship, his actions are key to keeping you on track; making supper, cleaning the house, taking baby off your hands so you can sleep! Please try these ideas rather than leaving the baby in the fourth trimester when they really need you

Yes I’m sorry but if you are leaving your baby that much at such a young age it absolutely will affect your bond, both from him to you and you to him (even if you don’t realise it).

Most mothers would not be able to leave their newborn babies this often, this early, and your newborn only has an attachment to you.

It is quite cruel to continually leave them with someone else like you are doing; they cannot form a secondary attachment for a very long time and still think they are a part of you, so for you to just disappear is really upsetting and unsettling.

Your bond will not suffer but your baby will, more likely than not, struggle without you. How your baby, at a month old, is around your family when you are there is no reflection at all of how they will be away from you for an extended period so I think that is giving you false comfort. At this stage, a baby barely knows they're a separate person from you and their comfort comes from your touch, your smell, your closeness. You are literally their world and very, very few babies will be fine without you overnight.

Will you damage your baby in some permanent way? No. Will your baby likely be very unhappy without you? Yes. I wouldn't be considering this.

ah mumsnet just loves to judge any parent who doesn't give up body and soul from the moment they are born until they go off to uni.

@EmmaLeaa your baby will be fine, and I think it is a good idea to invest in your relationship as well as your child

I wouldn't, not overnight.

A evening out I would do at that age if not breastfeeding.

6 months is personally when I would leave over night.

Some posters are comparing this choice to have "couple time" "for the baby" with unexpected hospital stays. The two things are polar opposites.

Like some other posters, I'd be concerned about you OP, your relationship and your bond with the baby. Despite you saying that you are doing this "for the baby" (?), you're not, you're doing it for your partner.

The very fact you are asking on here and your defensive responses are telling me all I need to know.

In answer to your OP, no I would not do this at 4 weeks unless I absolutely had to. "Couple time" for us in the fourth trimester were lunches out with a sleeping baby, countryside walks with a mostly sleeping baby, him cooking us lovely meals with a sleeping baby. We also had not been together long with our first child but we were mature enough to put our daughter first and the rest fell into place. The thing is, you're not really "meant" to have date nights and alone time away from your newborn - your newborn baby wants you, not your parents.

Not parent, mother.

Just mums are judged to this extent.

Op isn't asking about choice though, shes asking if it will effect their bond.....which it won't

OP, it absolutely will not affect your bond. Your baby will be fine

I’m afraid I can’t help but wonder if you’re doing this to make you’re partner happy, because he’s indirectly or otherwise placing demands on you.

How long were you together before the pregnancy?

Please prioritise your baby rather than trying to make sure your relationship works. The outcome of your relationship I’m sure won’t change regardless of whether you do or don’t go on these nights away. Personally I think it’s too much too soon, I wouldn’t dream of leaving my 4 week old for one night, never mind three! Surely you’re still recovering yourself? To answer your question though, no I don’t think your bond will be affected.

Oh yes, silly me, I was forgetting all about how harshly mothers in particular are judged.

Having a new born is exhausting and full on. I would have jumped at the chance to leave my DS's with grandparents had the opportunity been there.

Whatever happened to 'it takes a village'? That seems to have been replaced by it takes the mother and ONLY the mother, and that is not a good thing

I think if you're happy to do it then it's fine. But as the baby gets older then he might not settle for other people, so grab this window while you can!

It's an opportunity I'm lucky enough to have and he had his first overnight at 6 weeks. No guilt, no regrets. It was wonderful having some time alone with my husband.

I have a village and I think it's a positive thing for my baby to have several close family members that he's comfortable with.

I'm also one of those monsters who sends her baby to nursery so he's lucky enough to have many wonderful people in his life who love him and care for him.

I know it’s different for everyone but I’m blown away by the people suggesting it’s judgemental and ‘holier than thou’ to not be comfortable with leaving your FOUR WEEK OLD overnight multiple times so you can go out with your partner.

OP, please put yours and your baby’s needs first. Could your partner have the baby overnight in a different room whilst you go to bed and get some sleep if you really need a break? Or could the in laws look after him for a few hours whilst you go out for dinner? Look after yourself, make sure your partner looks after you and give yourself time to recover.

@SouthLondonMum22 my baby’s been in nursery since he was 6 months so I could return to work too but I think that’s very different to multiple overnight stays in his first few weeks of life!

We have a major PND crisis in this country and this is exactly why. No community, extended family or support for new mums.

We must let the rest of the world know the mums are ‘unusual’ and their newborns are distressed. You know, in the countries where multi generational living is the norm and babies are even breastfed by other women. Where grandparents and aunties also take over baby care whilst the new mum recoups. They are causing distress and are not normal. They are selfish and not prioritising their babies.

Did you not know OP, that you now need to distance yourself from your extended families and focus on ‘your little family’. Preferably go NC with your MIL too. Your DP is also a sex pest and selfish so maybe LTB too. You should also go back to work full time to become financially independent and put your baby into full time childcare 8am - 6pm 5days a week. It’s the only way.

But what you can do is be away from your newborn for essential reasons like medical appointments, hospital stays and pre planned events. Even if it’s weeks. That causes no issues or problems for your baby. But if it’s for fun or non-essential reasons then it does cause problems. The baby understands the reasons you see, so if it’s hospital for a week then the newborn will be fine, but if it’s for fun then they will be distressed. It’s ‘different’ because the newborn will be able to differentiate between essential and nonessential reasons.

Oh and you can leave them to go back to work at 6 weeks old, full time, because they will ‘adore’ nursery and their key worker and speak fondly of them for years to come. But not overnight with grandma. That is selfish and causing upset. Go NC with her.

This is how batshit mumsnet can be.

Mine started at 3 months. He's nearly 7 months now.

I don't think it's judgemental to not feel comfortable leaving your own baby at 4 weeks but many comments on this thread are absolutely judgemental.

Hi OP, probably a very different perspective to others on here but I suffered with severe PND and my mum had to look after my son probably 2 nights a week for the first 8-9 weeks of his life ! As I was so unwell with my PND I just couldn't cope. I now have a 19 month old son with a wonderful and secure attachment to me. I was very worried it would affect his bonding with me and it does not appear to have done so. I know this is different circumstance to you but I honestly don't believe the circumstances you are describing are going to have a huge impact on your baby

Have you seen some of the nursery threads on here? I was called sick for putting my then 12 week old in nursery. 🙄😂

well said, I whole heartedly agree!

My DS's are 13 and 17 now, but from what I see things have just gone from bad to worse in terms of the pressure mother put on themselves and each other.

Its awful really.

The way most couples bond with a 4 week old baby is to parent and go through the trials together. I think (and pps have also said) what you’re intending to do is unnecessary. Just go out for dinner. If you’re rigidly agreeing to this to please your partner then that isn’t what a ‘good parent’ does. A good parent, of either sex, puts their child’s needs first.

Excellent reply @SaulGoodman1 .
OP your baby will be fine Your Mental Health is very important for your baby wellbeing.