Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Take the counselling offer Struggles, either him or someone else. I know it was hard sometimes, but it was someone to listen to what has been going on for you.

Keep everything to a minimum today, do not worry about anything other than basics, get the kids into school then home to rest.

There is a nasty vomiting bug doing the rounds at the moment, it could be your son is also brewing this and that is why he was heightened last night. Sometimes before getting ill my son is that way.

Thank you for your kindness Choconuttolata. Had a bit of a stand-off with my son where he's going 'I'm not going to school & you can't fucking make me'. He smacked me just once & I said 'And that is the reason why you aren't staying with me'. I told him that I would take him in his pants, as he wouldn't get dressed, so not the best way to handle it. He got dressed & sat reading a book though, instead of getting heightened again, as he's clearly exhausted too.

We left a little late but we managed. My daughter sorted herself basically. I'm so proud of her! Then I struggled back home again.

I've not been sick again, I'm putting that down to the extreme stress of last night tbh. 6 hours of meltdown where I was already unwell. My son has just had this cold & gave it to me.

I've laid down for a bit (can't sleep but I'm resting) & have just left the mess of the house.

I told the counsellor to leave me alone last night because it wasn't helping. I might email & ask to speak to somebody else.

I spoke to the GP & I couldn't think what to say tbh. He asked how often I see & hear from the social worker. Then he read through the Wellbeing letter & asked what I think they meant & I said 'Honestly, I'm not sure. Last night's meltdown was apparently all about school, but school just say that he's upset about home & is pretending that it's an issue at school'.

He said that by the sounds of it my son needs some help for his MH. I agreed & told him that he had some counselling but it wasn't enough. He asked the outcome, I said that the counsellor said that he needs to be assessed but the Social worker doesn't seem to want to do that. He asked 'Why?' So I said 'No idea'.

He's going to refer to Emotional well-being again & ask them to actually explain why they won't help us & point out that we are a family in crisis. Doubt it wil change anything.

I had a nice email back from the Senco, saying that she hopes I'm ok. She said that I looked pale this morning. I don't even remember seeing her. Both children are 'fine'.

I'm now going to go & look in the Second hand shop for a bed for my daughter, as she now just has a mattress. I don't feel up to it at all but it needs to be done. I need to at least try to make things nice for her in my room.

I wonder if SS can help me to get a skip or something for the broken furniture etc, but I doubt it.

I saw this being advertised on Facebook earlier and thought you might find this helpful. Its by Dr Naomi Fisher who is worth following on Facebook. https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/parenting-in-turbulent-times-helping-your-child-with-aggressive-behaviour-tickets-883338478167?aff=fb4&fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR1Xt8Vr9HWN1I-VSaF1jPMCFQtTq1XZPQiAzkZhZmI0yPP60L3yQCAbWco_aem_ATwG18OAfkESVGfudZf0SmA0geGHUPpk1NWoVV9hoO9Gn4ad_xPf9ybR3azYgnIebMwKQ1ml3ynm-UQRNLWjWH1d

Thank you Mrshairyhead, that sounds really good.

The part that I always struggle with is, they say that you can't talk rationally with them once they are 'up there' & being aggressive, & I know that you can't, so what do you do when they are trashing the house then? Because there's hardly anything left that hasn't been broken now.

It’s about getting in and calming down before the violence happens. This can be very sensory/about emotional regulation. He probably hates feeling out of control.

I know, imip. There just never seems to be the 'window' to stop things escalating. It's like 6pm he looks a bit cross, 6.03 he's smacking the hell out of me. 10pm he passes out in amongst a heap of destruction.

Is anything happening at that time? Eg - is that time to switch off devices? Have a shower for bed? Eat? I think they are called ABC charts https://www.twinkl.co.uk/teaching-wiki/abc-behaviour-chart#:~:text=Using%20an%20ABC%20behaviour%20chart,behaviour%20and%20consequence%2C%20described%20above. Might be helpful for you to see if there is any trigger that perhaps if not instantly observable.

imip It's so random, I've never been able to work it out. Sometimes he gets upset about something like homework or arguing with his sister, & it escalates from there, but other times, like yesterday, he hides in the corner of the room & I'm 'Are you ok' (grunt back) oh right. So this is happening. What triggered this? But before I can even try & work it out, he's flinging a chair across the room at me.

Baths were working well for a while but the last 2, he got upset during & jumped out & attacked me, & since then he's refused to have one.

He will often scream some random thing from hours ago during the day like 'This morning, I didn't want Apple for breakfast. You've caused this.' & this will be at 9pm at night, so obviously it's not all about the apple. But it's so random.

He's with his dad tonight & I have his sister here. Still in with me, I'm also in bed. Feeling rough but better without so much anxiety & upset.

Bit of a strange day. I heard from the Senco & they said that there is an appeal for the EHCP being late. I'm not sure weather I will do that, or wait until high school now.

I heard from 'Beans', my son has been on the list for their support since the first ND application. At first I was a bit 'Theres no point talking to you as nothing will change'. But we will see.

She is going to speak to Barnardo's & whoever the 11+ referrals go through (can't remember) & find out if there's any chance that my son has been put on the NDD list in the past week, & if not, then if there's any way to get him on there without the Social workers help. She is also going to find out if I need to fill out all new forms for the 11+, as Barnardo's never got back to me with an answer on that one.

And finally, she is going to find out if my son is on the CAMHS list.

She asked what my main worries are, I said my son's MH & the violence. Then secondary to that, our belongings/furniture/having to pay to replace things just to have them broken again (I was putting my daughter's new bed together when she called)

She said that it sounds like we are absolutely stuck, with the way things are.

Also, it's with a heavy heart but I made a complaint about the counsellor. I made it clear that it's only based on the last session & has escalated due to the counsellors refusal to apologize & I told Barnardo's exactly what was said & how this has bought all of my past trauma (that the counsellor is well aware of) right up to the surface & that is just the last thing that the counsellor should have done, when I have everything else going on.

They've already got back to me & said that they are absolutely taking this seriously.

My son is ok, I think. He's upset about tomorrow. His sister is with their dad & it's just us, we are watching movies.

Their dad bought his bag of tools with him to help me with the bed & I told him that I didn't need his help as I've done it. (Felt so good!)

I'm exhausted but feeling slightly more normal. Cough is worse.

I was supposed to go to the Mental health cafe today but I couldn't face it & I have sooo much to do at home, I never get on top of things between one meltdown & the next.

I asked the Social worker if she can help with a skip/removal of broken furniture. No reply.

@StrugglesSadness your resilience is inspirational, it really is. As my grandad used to say: "Don't let the bstrds grind you down". Your children are fortunate to have such a loving and determined mum.

Thank you Scirocco. You are very kind. It's so hard. I don't know how to sort the house. My daughter was in a toddler bed & I've got her a single bed so it takes up all of the spare space in my room & I don't know where to put everything that used to live in that space! (Stuff that we need but don't need every day)

This cough is hellish too & hurts my head, stomach & throat.

Does anybody know much about the Transforming care programme?

Social worker has sent me a link but I don't understand it. A blood test to tell you weather it's Autism? Instead of putting through the assessment forms?

Wow, well that was the quickest response to an email ever. 'I am just trying to help'.

I didn't say that she wasn't trying to help, I just asked if she could explain what this is & what it's for.

I said to her (in my first email) that I have read the link but don't really understand it.

I just said 'I didn't say that you weren't trying to help, I was asking a question & I thought this was allowed, seeing as this relates to my son'.

Transforming care is an NHS thing to:

To improve the quality of care for people with a learning disability and or autism.

To improve the quality of life for people with a learning disability and or autism.

To enhance community capacity, thereby reducing inappropriate hospital admissions and length of stay

It looks like in your area you need a diagnosis for support

https://www.suffolk.gov.uk/children-families-and-learning/keyworker-function

Blood tests - not sure, my son only had routine bloods to check for anemia and vitamin deficiency because he was displaying pica which can be associated with vitamin and mineral deficiencies. They also sometimes run genetic tests.

There was talk a while ago of a study where they were developing a blood test looking a metabolites in the blood, but as far as I know this is not at the point where it is used for diagnosis.

I am not sure exactly what the social worker intended by sending this to you, she needs to be clear about what she is offering as support as just sending links that aren't necessarily relevant is confusing.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I'd never heard of it. The email says

'I've spoken to Transforming care re NDD & they have reviewed the case & given advice to make a GP appointment for a blood test to see weather there are any chemical imbalances for him.

This would help to rule out anything in respect of this'.

When I said 'I don't really understand the link so could you explain what it is for? Does this blood test tell you if there might be Autism instead of having an assessment?'

She replied 'I am just trying to help. Given that 2 previous NDD referrals have been rejected. They have said to check blood to see if there are any chemical imbalances that could give explanation for the behaviours that you describe'.

She needs to stop obsessing over the 2 failed previous ones. It is one + one lot of extra info. & we didn't have a therapists letter as back up, saying that he needs to be assessed.

He's now been 11 for a few weeks & she is still dragging her feet.

I also do some work for transforming care - you need a diagnosis for autism and/or learning disabilities. This is absolute.

It’s not an appropriate referral as that is about keeping people out of inpatient facilities. The right thing in this situation is to refer for assessment. She might be thinking about the dynamic support register, you need a diagnosis for this. She doesn’t understand it very well.

I suppose the blood test might mean fragile X syndrome, maybe PANDAS? I don’t know enough about that.

imip Thank you. That's helpful. I don't know, she makes it sound like it was there idea though in the email.

We are having a bad evening.

Oh I've just realised, does the thread get full up at 1000 posts?

Should I make another one in Parenting?

Will somebody be able to do a link to this one for me? As I don't know how to do that.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4823598-trauma-or-autism-or-neither?page=40&reply=135000936

Add this link for this thread into your new thread first post in parenting

Often doctors want to rule out medical causes for challenging behaviour or atypical behaviour in hospital because of this sometimes being associated with infection or other imbalances in the blood. It would be another argument for NDD if the bloods come back without any factors that may exacerbate his behaviour. It is a delaying tactic on her behalf though as this is not a common request prior to referral especially with such a long history and supposedly his behaviour being different between school and home. A child with medical factors wouldn't normally display such differences in behaviour over different environments.