Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Thank you Hearti You've been very kind to me today.

Social worker said that she will do it.

There was a bit of... 'But why doesn't he want to?' & I was a bit short with her... 'I don't know. Can you help me or not?'

Honestly, sometimes, I wish that they could all talk to each other as I just feel like the go-between

But anyway, at least that's sorted (again) I just hope that SW actually gets it done fairly quickly now.

Meltdown has just started for tonight.

Well done for sorting that! Hope the meltdown passes quickly x

Thank you Hearti. Luckily it wasn't very long tonight. He has some more Mock exams, which I had forgotten where next week as I've been so focused on making everything ok for him when his dad is away (The last mock exams were HELL for him. He managed 2 & a quarter out of 4 days) And it's 'Number day' tomorrow so those are all changes that are all part of what is upsetting him.

Just re your previous post, homework. It's sooo difficult as he won't be able to 'Not do' homework if he knows that everybody else is doing it. He puts insane pressure on himself to get everything done & isn't able to 'Miss' something out, so I don't think that will work.

What I need is the homework schedule so that, when he gets himself all stressed out & is saying 'It has to be in by this time/on this day' etc, then I can check the schedule & help him that way, because at the moment only half of it is posted online so I'm generally clueless as to weather he really only has an hour or whatever. (Homework has started to become an issue the last couple of months)

What a nightmare of a day. It's just one thing after another. What's going to go wrong tomorrow...

I just want to go to sleep & never wake up.

that sounds difficult. Is it worth a weekly email to the teacher to ask for confirmation of all homework deadlines for the week ahead? Really they need to make all homework deadlines visible online, particularly as it’s a known trigger for heightened behaviour.

fingers crossed today is ok

Thank you for all of your kindness Hearti.

So apparently the Social worker, Family solutions & therapist are all having a chat today. (Great, then they can sort things out amongst themselves!)

I've spoken to his teacher, she said that the times for the homework etc will all be clearly marked online going forward, there's always a paper version for them to take if they'd like but from now on, she will give my son a paper version anyway, so that will hopefully solve the issue of him trying to smash the Computer tablet & then being upset because he can't do his homework on paper.

She said that she always tells them that it doesn't matter if homework is late in, & she will remind him of that today (She does understand though that for my son, if something were to end up being 'late' then it would be the end of his world)

She's going to speak to him about the upcoming exams but did say that it's difficult because he still presents as 'Fine' at school. I have the schedule for next week's exams.

My son was bouncing off the walls hyper this morning. Could not sit still, full of nervous energy. He told me that he's going to die at school today & he's scared. I told him that I promise things will be ok.

All in all, a good morning.

How was today?

Hi Hearti It's been ok, thank you for checking in. I spoke to the therapist to book my son's last session & he said he will do the others with just me because he wants to support me & my feelings...

Didn't hear from anybody else.

My son came out of school all upset about something but wouldn't tell me what. He had an 'On the verge of a meltdown' moment & again at bedtime but they managed not to tip over. I'm grateful for these couple of days where it hasn't escalated.

That’s a relief and good to hear the sessions are continuing for you. And hopefully the homework issue is resolved.

Thank you Hearti He has said that he's being put in a smaller group of children for the Mock Sats next week, so hopefully that makes some kind of a difference.

Today has been 'ok', He's finding it harder & harder to be around extended family which is a bit worrying, as we are already so isolated.

Next week has been weighing heavily on his mind, all day. Constant 'Do you love me?' & 'I'm scared that somebody is going to kill me'

But he is in bed so I'll take that as a small 'win' for now.

It’s such a shame kids have to do SATs at all really, so much time taken over by SATs drilling/learning and then the exam pressure on the children. There must be a better way to establish how well schools are teaching kids.

Is he close with extended family? Do you think hes struggling to hold it together what with all the school anxiety? Does he usually enjoy extended family company? It must be hard to work it all out.

... And I'm sat here wide awake, absolutely full of anxiety myself, worrying about the week ahead!

Also, I'm in pain from today's meltdown.

Hi Hearti. We see them every 6 weeks or so, but we've just seen them twice in the last 3 weeks. I think that he just needs the weekends to be just us, so that he doesn't feel like he needs to 'mask' when he's been doing it all week at school. That's just my guessing though, as this is 'New'. Never any problems until these last 2 meets.

His meltdown today, he was Furious & upset about dad & school. (2 hours so not too bad length-wise) He left the house but luckily came back. Very, very violent. I let him stay up & watch a film last night & he's now trying to copy that too (the violence)

I'm still heavily bruised from the last one, so this one was tough.

So today went relatively smoothly... All he's talking about is what happened last time & the chat he had with his teacher (Which shows what I've been saying to the school, that he just needs that little bit of extra one-to-one attention before these exams)

He told me that I won't see him later as he's not going to survive, I've got him special cake & we are going to the cafe, whilst his sister is at her club.

I know we are far from our of the woods yet for this week, & last time he made himself sick with worry on the Monday so I had to go & pick him up, but for now, it's ok.

I did just have a heart-in-mouth moment when I saw an email from the Senco pop up, but it's to do with the NDD referral. Phew!

How’s it going? The meltdown sounded hard going despite being shorter than usual. Fingers crossed for this week at school

Thank you Hearti. The physical side is always hard because it makes everything so much harder when I'm hurting physically as well as emotionally.

It's about 70% better than last Sats week, & with the added stress of his dad being away, well it's just brilliant then.

Lots of 'Nearly' meltdowns. Tears & begging & pleading not to have to go, not to have to do the tests etc. Today, he's focusing on the lunches & crying about how he hates those. I'm watching them both like a hawk. It's so difficult, I'm on complete 'Any slight upset' watch. But we are managing.

School gave me the paperwork for their side of the EHCP & NDD referral today. Goodness, those are a hard read. It's not like I didn't know they would be like this, but it's about 200 pages of 'He's fine at school/no issue/no problem/all fine/happy days'.

They don't mention any of his upsets when he gets to school or leaves school, when he's late due to meltdowns at home. They briefly mention the scissors incident but even then, it's downplayed.

They make a comment like 'He says he is upset due to school, but it's home that is upsetting him'. Even all of the bullying last year isn't mentioned.

I got through those & thought 'It makes me seem like a fantasist, or crazy'.

Social worker has apparently said that she will do the NDD Lead professional part, but she's not happy about it, as she doesn't know my son much & hasn't seen the behaviours. She's had 5 months to get to know him.

I don't know what to think. My emotions are all over the place.

& the thing that was upsetting me the other week, that I thought their dad had sorted for me, in a rare moment of kindness, well I found out today that he actually screwed me over with that.

So yeah, my son is 'Ok, ish' (but not really) & I, like usual, have the weight of the whole world, + about another 3 planets, on my shoulders.

sadly I’m not surprised by the schools report, no understanding of autism presentation or masking in school and fall out at home, indicating he’s fine and home is problematic despite saying otherwise. Could you email back outlining the things they have missed out and ask them to add.

Hearti I don't know how much weight the school report will add, at this stage.
They have said in the past that he masks at school, & the Senco told me that it's 'Incredibly common' for children to mask at school. It's just not on this lot of paperwork.

Hearti, sorry I missed the part where you said 'Despite saying otherwise', & told you that they'd said it before!

They did say something about him needing extra support to transition to high school, so that's something. I read that part & thought 'Why would he need extra support though? I thought he was 'Fine'!'

I have a session with the counsellor today & then we have one last one with my son later. I'm really hoping this one with my son goes well, we had Family Solutions last night & it's just a lot for him this week, but normally, once we are in the session then we snuggle with a blanket & the counsellor just tells him a story, & it's nice & calm. We need that right now!

My son burst into tears & begged not to have to do the session. So I told him that I'd sit down & start the session to tell the counsellor then, & after a few minutes he came & joined us.

I'm so proud of him this week. He has these exams & everything else going on &, for the most part, he's keeping it together.

The counsellor told a story & right near the beginning, my son wrote on his little pad & paper (that he uses instead of talking to the therapist) 'Basically it's about me'.

I was surprised that he picked up on that so quickly & so was the counsellor when I text him after.

We have the social worker coming on Friday AND next Wednesday (can't believe it!) She said she wants to 'See some of this behaviour' which is a bit weird. He's not a performing seal. I can't 'make' him he upset if he's not.

Very frustrating re: the school, have you written yourself in the parent paperwork for the NDD referral about the upset at drop off/pick up, meltdowns and lates etc..? I would email them asking them why that was not included in their evidence.

If social worker is coming are they coming after school? Does he tend to be more reactive with other people around at home? As you rightly say he is not a performing seal. They also should have the information from school about what your daughter has been saying about his behaviour at home as part of the whole picture for the referral.

Also I think it is time to get some cameras set up asap if you can.

I think, as I've always said, the school don't believe he's nd and do think it's parenting. You will very likely get support at secondary quite quickly. But this senco will not help you. I'm sorry.

It's so hard going. The counsellor said that my part of the NDD referal is so detailed & ticks off every box for Autism, that he honestly doesn't see how they could possibly dispute it.

I just don't know though. Absolutely gutted that he's not my lead professional, as he's the only one who can see it.

Choconuttolata I know I need to sort out some cameras or something. I just keep thinking that they will say that he's upset because I've shut him in his room or something, some way to blame me.

School put on the form that my daughter mentions that my son hurts her & me.

She has a colouring book & there's a page with kitchen utensils. She pointed to the knife & said 'Thats brothers favourite, so that he can cut people up'. So I deliberately went through all of them with her, & when she came back round to the knife, she said 'Thats the one that brother likes to hurt you with'.

Yes the Social worker has my part of the form.
All of the info is on there, I went through it about 25 times & kept adding & adding.

He's going to be extremely unhappy about seeing the social worker on Friday. He's had such a tough week already. I imagine that he will be how he is when Family Solutions visit, 'On the verge of' a meltdown. But he just holds it in so that it doesn't tip into violence/big meltdown.

I'm terrified of the Social worker coming, tbh. Absolutely terrified. 1, because I think that she will just label everything as 'Attention seeking' like she did in the school meeting, 2, because I think that he will just manage to hold it in again, so that she won't 'See' it, & 3, in case it does tip over into a big meltdown once she leaves.

And of course, if he does hold it in, is her form going to be the same as the schools then? 'Apparently this stuff happens but I've never seen it'.

When she agreed to be the lead professional, she said 'Send me your part of the form so that I can mirror it'. & I thought 'You won't mirror it, that would be too easy'.

Will your son not understand that this one time you'd like him to be truly how he is and don't hold it all in when the sw is there because if she sees it you can more easily get him help which he wants?

No Boomboom. If anything, if I ask him to 'Let it all out' then he definitely won't as he's so 'Must defy mum' when he's upset.

I will say to him that it's ok if he gets upset, it's not a big deal, & try to phrase it like that.

I feel awful for him. Family solutions, Counsellor, Social worker, Mock Sats & his dad's away. It's like, if ever he was likely to not be able to hold it in, it's this week...

I struggle enough with all of these people myself.

Struggles do you have any evidence in writing where they advised to hold the door when he is having a meltdown in his room? As a back up? I know you have had conflicting advice from different professionals on that one, it must be hard to trust anyone right now with how they have let you down time and time again.

In a way if he can't cope next week and is more heightened around the social worker then there will be more likelihood she will see more of his behaviour.

Have a back up safety plan if he does have an extreme meltdown and becomes very violent, ie. lock yourself and your daughter in the room and call Police for support and possibly ask them/ambulance to support you by taking him to A&E due to concerns over his behaviour and mental health of you cannot safely take him yourself.

Do you have any evidence from the GP about your injuries that you could provide to the social worker or could you give permission for the GP to talk to the social worker about this to add to the evidence about his behaviour at home?