Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

That’s a lovely comment from the report. And I’m sure it’s very well deserved.

I can hardly believe what I’ve just read. Although I have no experience of what you going through and I’m so thankful there are those that do who are sending information and support, I just want to say bloody hell woman, you are amazing in your support and love for your children.
Shame on the people who should be helping who are looking the other way with their fingers in their ears singing la la la la la .
Please do not doubt your parenting, none of this is your fault.
Sending hugs.

Thank you Maryjanesonabreak It's very kind of you to post... I thought you were going to say you can't believe this thread as my son's behaviour is clearly all my fault because of my crappy parenting... That's where my head's at.

I remember your earlier posts OP, I am so sorry that the system is failing to support you and your children so badly. It is not your fault and it is not good enough.

I found this article today on a print out when looking through some information I was given on a parenting course for parents of children with autism years ago (original link below). I think it might help you to read it and understand that it is nothing to do with crappy parenting, it is that your son feels safe enough with you to let out his distress.

themighty.com/topic/autism-spectrum-disorder/delayed-effect-child-with-autism-melts-down-at-home-not-at-school/

So I gave myself One job for this afternoon, to find out where my son is on the ND referal list (Since the Social worker isn't doing it)

It's taken me absolutely ages to try & find a contact number to speak to somebody at Barnardo's re the ND pathway, then they told me my son isn't even on the list as his case was closed in July.

I told her that we were asked for more info in July as they said his case was on hold as there wasn't enough evidence, so myself & support worker sent a huge file over with all this extra info, & asked was he never put back on the list after that then? It was just closed instead? All of that info was just disregarded?

She's going to call me as soon as she can find out what's going on.

I can't even put into words how I'm feeling.

I don't understand how every single agency that is/has been involved with us has managed to mess up sooo badly.

Thank you for the support everybody.

Noooooo 😱

Girlattheback And then school rings me & says my younger one has been upset today, telling them that he hurts her & hurts me. I must admit, today, I was a bit like 'Well you know this already. This isn't news'.

Not helpful from me, I know. I hate that she's hurting so much.

I'm proud of her for speaking up & will tell her.

I've got parents eve in a bit & just have no room in my brain for any other negative thoughts right now

He's not on the list & hasn't been since July.

We can start all over again but it won't be backdated or rushed through or whatever the words are.

We applied early in September 2022. Nearly 14 months wasted.

You need to speak to the social worker/their manager, they may be able to intervene to escalate the need to be placed back on the list and higher on the list or refer via a different local pathway due to need. The professionals involved need to speak up for you and your family in this case as it is not your fault that this mistake happened and your son and family should not be disadvantaged by this error. I would also complain in writing to get it escalated to a manager at Barnardo's. Do they have the additional information you and the support worker sent over? If not do you have evidence that you and the support worker sending the extra information over so that you can show them that this was done and that this is their error to add to the complaint?

I tried to call the social worker, I've left her a message.

The woman on the phone ar Barnardo's said that it's all violence & emotional regulation so he would never be sent for assessment based on that. They have the new info from July & said that's also violence & emotional regulation so I need to 'Sort his mental health out first' by going through Wellbeing.

I told her we went through Wellbeing before & they were no help. They discharged us with no other help.

She checked all the way back & said there was nothing sent to myself or support worker telling us that he wasn't on the list, as far as she can see, & that is their error if they didn't tell us.

I can make a complaint but it's not the point is it.

She also said 'And he's fine at school' (As a reason why he won't get an assessment) Yeah he's fine. I'm fine. His sister's fine. We are all bloody fine.

This is all so unfair.

I am so sorry. No it’s not the point, these things should be done better.Sadly, in my experience you have to chase and complain to get anywhere with most services nowadays. I would absolutely complain to the Support worker who was dealing with this, plus the Social Worker (or their Manager) and Bernardo’s HQ.

I’m hoping you’re now super angry (you should be!) and that will give you an energy boost to complain to everyone! Not shouty just sit and write complaint emails to every senior person you can find details for in the services who’ve let you and your family down.

You also need to get your son and daughter on the CAMHS list. You can self refer.

I know this is really really hard but the only person who is going to push those services to do their jobs is you!

I am angry, a bit, but my overwhelming response is sadness, disbelief & just acceptance in a 'Well, what did I expect' kind of way.

I argued with her & said 'You say he can't have assessment because he's violent but I thought this violence might be due to ND due to him not being able to deal with his emotions & that's the point of the assessment, so that if it turns out he is ND, then we can get some more support to help stop the violence, but you won't let us even try'.

And she just said 'You need to sort out his mental health first, the decision was already made back in July'.

I said 'But you are leaving us with nothing. He attacks me & his sister because he can't deal with his emotions, the wellbeing service knew all this before & won't help us, & now you won't either'.

She said 'Its not that we aren't helping it's that he's fine at school & it's emotional regulation that he needs help with before we can think about an assessment'.

I said 'I know he's ok at school but it was school who told me to get this assessment done as they say he is masking'.

She said 'Ok but it's still violence & emotional regulation & he won't get an assessment with that'.

I did all of that in the corridor, waiting for parents evening, other parents looking at me, and now I'm just sad.

Sorry. I know I should be angry. I feel like that's the emotion I should be feeling, but I'm just sad. My poor baby. I'm the only person in the whole world who cares about him & I just can't fix this for him by myself

I think the best route is for your daughter to keep disclosing at school. And if your son will him too, he needs to keep telling them and showing it.
Clearly somewhere in your file it says because he copes at school he must be nt so this is parenting then they fob you off saying it's not but clearly their file says it is. Hence the comments.

Has he had counselling alone? Schools at least secondary have loads of access to free wellbeing stuff.

I can dig through all my leaflets from a conference about child mh yesterday and send you all the free services, but most are for Kent and / or medway.

I honestly think you'll get so much more help at secondary. Can you move schools? They are obstructing you I think.

Boomboom I don't know, it's school who pushed for the ND assessment in the first place though.

We are in Suffolk.

I havn't heard back from social worker about this, but I did ask her about an EHCP & she said she will bring it up in the school meeting.

Even in your previous posts on this thread, you have given some possible signs of autism. It might be worth making a further list to break all these down and sending it to Barnardo's to challenge their decision. Apologies if this is something you have already done on the original forms, if you have then if you have a copy of the forms pulling the examples out and challenging them as to why they do not warrant an assessment by a qualified professional when taken altogether could form part of a complaint.

The NHS website has a list of possible signs in older children, I have just gone through your posts and pulled out some examples against their list.

Autism in older children

Signs of autism in older children include:

1. not seeming to understand what others are thinking or feeling

• recent issues with his best friend/peers could be based around his understanding of friendship dynamics.

• your son's behaviour towards you and not being able to reflect on how his behaviour impacts you or his sister. You gave one example of an apology, but said he had never apologised before and that he subsequently hurt you again.

2. unusual speech, such as repeating phrases and talking ‘at’ others

• you gave an example of your son repeating the back-up plan

3. liking a strict daily routine and getting very upset if it changes

• you gave an example of the therapist changing days and times and how it impacted your son. Also the support worker just stopping regular contact and how that impacted him.

4. having a very keen interest in certain subjects or activities

5. getting very upset if you ask them to do something

• I am sure examples would fill a book, you have given several on this thread.

6. finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on their own

• recent issues with best friend/peers

7. taking things very literally – for example, they may not understand phrases like "break a leg"

• rigidity around people making arrangements/promises to do something can also be part of this.

8. finding it hard to say how they feel

• an example would be that he has only just opened up to SENCO recently in one of your posts

Any sensory issues - socks, tags, school clothing, noise, food textures etc...

This website has some other signs of autism in teens e.g. emotional difficulties. You could use this as a framework to list more examples if needed.

https://www.aspriscs.co.uk/news-blogs/signs-and-symptoms-of-autism-in-teenagers/

Again sorry if this is something you have already done. I don't want to overwhelm you with more things to do.

Thank you Choconuttolata That's very kind of you, I do appreciate it. I hadn't thought to do a list like that, but I will.

He does have loads of signs of autism when you look, but then I doubt myself & think 'Isn't that most children though?'

When we went to see his high school, I spent some time looking at the other children to see how they were being, & they definitely weren't being like my son.

He is absolutely rigid in his routine, yes. I realised another example of that when I talked to his teacher earlier, a trigger for his meltdowns on Sundays recently. It was like a lightbulb moment, that he also struggled with this certain change in routine, last year at school as well.

I just don't understand why he can't have the assessment, with the 'He's fine at school.' Comment. They are all fine, until they aren't fine, aren't they?!'

I don't believe he is fine at school and anyway being fine doesn't mean not autistic. The more you post the more I think move schools. They are not helping here at all.
But you don't need them to refer a gp can. Show them your posts on this thread in the appointment.

It's not me saying he's fine at school, it's Barnardo's saying he can't have an ND assessment because he's fine at school.

Yes because that's what the school are telling the social workers. Not that he's masking, that he is fine and able to emotionally regulate.
I really think the school are not on your side here. Otherwise all the other agency dismissal doesn't make sense given what you've said. Lots of people get more support for less which is screaming to me they've got you down as exaggerating or fabricating.

It's absolutely mad you can't get through the referral. Go back to the gp and make them do the forms. Do you know any teachers or lawyers who can come with you to be assertive? You need to control this more they are fobbing you off and leaving you without support and it's not right or procedure.
Have you contacted your mp? Honestly do this now. And sendiass?

Boomboom Yes Sendiass weren't much help & the MP just sent me a copy of our notes for the referal, which wasn't what I wanted, I was asking about waiting times for the ND referal, which we were soon taken off anyway.

We've only just got the social worker involved, I don't see why school would say to me 'We believe he is masking, let's do the ND forms' & then turn round & say to everybody else 'We don't believe he is masking, we believe he is fine & mum is lying'. They have my son's word now anyway, as well.

I would submit a GDPR request (subject access request) to Barnado's for all information pertaining to your son e.g. copy of the referral forms and any other information to they were provided as part of the referral and any emails sent so you know exactly what school, support workers, therapists and social care have said/sent. It will show what exactly has been said and by whom.

https://ico.org.uk/for-the-public/your-right-to-get-copies-of-your-data/

I agree tbh, it seems really off.

My MP supported a move from mainstream to mainstream with ASC unit. And funny, a week after he 'supported' the move we got told unofficially we had a place.

Ask your MP to support access to diagnostic assessment. These vary between trusts, ours was bscp. Some are camhs.

Where are you based? I would be happy to look into this for you. See if I can find anything. You and your family deserve help ❤️

I know you are all trying to help but everybody now coming on & telling me that school think I'm lying & or exaggerating or that somewhere on my son's papers, people have written that I'm a liar, isn't helping my own MH.

I know I'm not dealing with things as fast as you all would, but I'm doing my best.

I'm completely on my own here, I have no family support, barely any support from their dad, no friends to talk things through, that's why I use here.

I'm doing my best & giving all that I can give.