Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

I think only a psychiatrist/educational psychiatrist could answer your question. No advice, sorry you and your family are going through such extreme circumstances, it sounds awful for all of you! Does your son have an echp in place? Have any professionals recommended play therapy?

I think there’s a low demand approach for pda but don’t know any specifics.

Autism with PDA can be incredibly hard as so many everyday things can trigger anxiety, panic and meltdowns. My daughter has it and it has been an incredibly hard journey so far. It’s much better now that I understand her better, and can advocate for her needs.

Actively push for a diagnosis.

In the meantime do lots of reading about autism and PDA. I’ll find some links tomorrow. Call National autistic society for advice.

Environment is important. Note when he’s having meltdowns and hitting. Be proactive in creating the environment he needs. This includes how people interact with him.

Absolutely do not blame yourself. You are doing the best you can with really poor professional advice.

Thank you Preschoolermum For actually getting through all that!

We've done family play therapy yes, all 3 of us. The therapist we see now, he hasn't suggested anything further, just said 'Its all trauma' & left it at that.

My son has done 'Drawing & talking' & things like that, little one-on-one or small group therapies at school but no EHCP as for the most part they don't see the need.

He needs a formal psychological assessment to gain a diagnosis. You will end up running round in circles and blamed until you’ve a formal diagnosis and input from specialists. In my experience primary schools (even Sencos) usually lack the experience and knowledge.

Thank you for your kindness Axahooxa. Yes, I write it all down & read back constantly looking for any triggers that I may have missed.

It's discipline & any kind of change in routine, at home or at school (but the school ones come out at home) & the therapist constantly changes his appointments & this upsets my son but he still constantly does it.

Yesterday, I asked if we can have the last 6 sessions set in stone, so that my son can know when he's coming. He said that was fine & we sorted those. I told my son & he wrote them down. Today, he says that actually, he has to change next week. And this ALWAYS happens.

Hearti He is on the list for assessment. It just takes so long. Now this specific specialist has left the school, they are kind of 'Well go for an assessment if you want' whereas before it was 'Yes, let's get this assessment done'

The PDA Autism combo can be complex. As you say, behaviours come from anxiety. Lowering anxiety can happen through creating a sensory environment/grounding. Water, massage, fidget toys, colouring, baking, weighted blanket, heavy rucksack. Also constantly give him choices between two things - shower or bath, red shoes or blue shoes, five minute timer or 10 minute timer. This will allow him some control.

Thank you Hearti He loved a timer for a while but then it was doing more harm than good, currently he's back to loving it so we are using them again. School gave him one too.

The problem I am finding is that he isn't consistent, one day fidget toys will help, one day a blanket will help, the next day those things are useless, so it's just keeping trying. And also, once he's in a meltdown I can't suggest anything like that as it's an absolute 'No'. I can try & place them nearby so that he can reach them himself. I've had some success with that.

Therapist tells me to do the 'I wonder if you are feeling like this'... But that just doesn't work as he sees that as me saying 'You are feeling like this' & it's an absolute 'NO I'M NOT'.

For a while, punching his bed was working (& I'd rather replace a mattress than his wall which he was breaking the plaster off)

But that doesn't work anymore, currently, sometimes he wraps himself in a blanket & reads a book.

yes the difficulty with change is an autistic trait. I tend to use the following technique for cancellations/changes in plans, generally it seems to help navigate rigid expects. Rather then saying the appointment is x time, explain that plan A is for the therapy appointment x time and if this is cancelled you’ll do plan b (which is a good alternative).

Family therapy is a treatment for early childhood trauma, has it been helpful at all so far? Is it a time limited intervention? Have you asked the therapist where you go next, if things are still very difficult when you are coming to an end?

Bear in mind, there is no reason a person can’t be both autistic and struggling to cope with a difficult experience. If anything it’s going to be harder for a neurodiverse person to handle unexpected and upsetting life changes. It’s sensible to get the assessment and hopefully that may help to unpick what’s going on.

I assume you have already done the standard parent training courses? Incredible years or something like it? If so, it might be worth looking into alternative strategies. Non violent resistance is one that I have seen recommended for people in your sort of situation.

Probably a silly question but would funds stretch to anything private? ASD assessment, or even something like dyadic play therapy?

Is there anything you can do to mobilise support for you and your daughter? To facilitate time together, space between the kids in the home. Do they see their dad? If so, any chance they can see him separately sometimes so they are apart? Any helpful family? Are there separate spaces they can each play alone at home, or can something be arranged? Your daughter needs to be kept as safe as possible and to know that you’re taking her distress seriously.

I’m sorry services aren’t able to step up and do what you need. It’s sad that the waits are so long.

Thank you Hearti It's been really helpful talking things through with you.

When it's something at home or a day out just us or something, then we do always have a kind of a back-up plan. At first he didn't like that but he seems to really enjoy it now. He repeats it a lot too 'If this doesn't happen then this will happen'.

I never tell him the therapy appointments until they are 'Set' but then he goes & surprises me & changes it like today. For the next one's I'll have to have a back-up plan.

My Ds has an Asd diagnosis but I believe has pda - read up on pda approaches - school can do the same .
can you afford a private diagnosis? It may well be a much quicker route .

This is in no way seems to fit normal level of separation.

The safe space is a great idea. He may also like a darkened pop up tent if overstimulated. Being able to name emotions can help him get his needs met without upset. However he might be more comfortable flicking through visuals linked to emotions at non therapy times - when he’s happy, proud, relaxed, worried, tired, excited.

he might find the timer a bit to pressurising maybe? These things can be hit and miss. Allowing him to choose which timer could potentially help or having a break from using timers.

I'm all for punching a mattress too. Walking or running can also help heated situations.

Thank you Astromelia He's only mentioned trauma to me in this last session (session 8) we have 6 sessions left.

Unfortunately, it's not been helpful at all tbh. My son has had a massive meltdown after 7/8 sessions, he's always really deregulated when the therapist goes & the first time, the meltdown started mid-session. He's crying, going to his safe space, wrapping himself in a blanket, he was absolutely all over the place mentally, he tried to strangle his sister & the therapist is sat there saying 'Aww I expect he's hungry'.

I had such high expectations as it was sold to me as this great tool for our family but it's been a bloody nightmare tbh.

They see their dad every other weekend but he won't do one-on-one it's both together or nothing. When its the school holidays, I've been putting one in a club one day & one in a club another day so that I get time seperately with both of them.

No family to help.

All of the talking therapies that my son is doing at school, my daughter is doing too.

For the longest time, I was saying 'I'm worried about my daughter' & everybody would say 'She's fine!' & it took for her to say herself 'He scares me' before they took notice.

I do keep my daughter safe, as much as I can. She has her safe space & her safety plan.

I've done all of the parenting courses yes, years ago & last year too. I recently did an autism one too.

There's no money to go private, if I could, I absolutely would.

Thank you Starlightstarbright I can't afford it unfortunately. The trauma thing has made me feel wretched tbh. The abuse their dad has inflicted on me & it's still ongoing in some ways, nobody even knows the extent of it, & I play happy families with him, we do sports days together etc (when he's available) & we are perfectly civil but now I'm being told that my son is suffering from trauma so I feel like nothing I do to try & keep him safe, is good enough.

Hearti He has a tent but unfortunately he's never used it for during a meltdown unless he's hiding in it to jump out & attack me. That's actually one thing that myself, support worker & therapist have agreed on, that the tent isn't working.

Yes, the timer thing he was just using too much like he'd want to time me cooking tea & if it went over by 30 seconds then that was it, whereas now if he's waiting for tea I can say 'The timers there if you want it ' & he will chose to run around for 10 mins or something while he's waiting.

After he kept getting out & I got these new locks on all the doors & windows, I used to tell him that any time he wants to do a Joe wicks or similar, he can do one of those & a few times at the start of a meltdown, he asked to do one, & it helped, but he doesn't anymore.

The jo wicks sounds good. From experience walking can be a good regulator. Sometimes a bubble bath

Thank you everybody for talking to me last night. It helped a lot. I have a lot of those nights lately where I'm exhausted but my mind is just racing & won't let me sleep.

Hearti We have the visual cards & sign language ones, we do them over breakfast & any other time they want to do them. He isn't very good at talking about his upsets or what's worrying him, although this has slightly improved lately which is great.

(It's always my fault, especially things that happen at school)

Astromelia I know there could be trauma AND autism, I worded it badly. Our support worker told me though that if the therapist communicates with the ND referal that it's all because of trauma, then my son won't get his additional needs assessment.

She told me that in kindness, right after she'd told me that the therapist really doesn't hold that much power, & I was putting too much importance on what he thinks, but that actually he is quite important as he can stop the assessment being done.

I’m autistic and so are both my children so I have a real understanding of what triggers us and what can help.

Food is really important, low sugar, no refined sugars, no cola or fizzy drinks, plain simple food. This is because our autism is much worse if we eat certain things, so you could try his diet and see what helps. Only change one thing a week otherwise you can’t tell what’s working.

Another thing is stimming. I find hitting myself to be the most comforting and getting others to hit me works too. This works especially well during stressful situations. He may hit out but actually need hitting. By hitting I mean the flat of the hand quite hard on the back, although I like to hit my chest or legs when I do it myself. My favourite is hitting my head, I love that but it gives me a headache so I try not to. There are videos online of cats enjoying being hit, I can’t think of a better word, maybe hard slapped. It’s the same for us, if you need to observe the technique. I can’t stress how important this is but obviously you’ll need to explain it carefully so he understands, perhaps watch the cats together? I know this is weird to neurotypicals but it’s so different being autistic I can’t tell you enough. Our brains are wired differently so there’s no comparison.

Dark rooms and absolute silence are good. If he’s having a meltdown turn everything off, all power sockets and close all curtains and lie on a bed. Even you moving around the house can upset him. I’d do the whole house. If he wants to be with you then he can but he may need time on his own. Try to limit talking. It’s irritating at the best of times, we text mostly. Our neighbours love us because they can’t ever hear us.

Noise cancelling headphones are essential kit for anyone on the spectrum. I wear mine most of the time and it just takes things down enough to help with meltdowns. It helps if they’re wireless but wired can wait well with devices. Noise is such a trigger that if he’s engrossed in something and he hears a noise in the house it can cause a meltdown.

White noise in bedrooms is good. I have a fan on constantly and love it. The feeling of the cool air and the hum of the fan really works for me and my children. I have it on all night.

When he gets home from school try having a drink and snack waiting somewhere obvious, where he knows it is. Explain you know he’s had a hard day (maybe terrible) and you will put it there to help him recover. He needs to know that you understand the world is painful for him, because I’m afraid it is and always will be, if he’s autistic, but we can find a lot of joy in it too.

l will have a think if there’s anything else and please feel free to ask questions. I’m very autistic but very high functioning so I can see both sides. I hope this helps.

@sp12344 Thanks, there is so much great stuff in your post. A little view from the ‘other side’ makes some of this a little hard to implement for some households though as life cannot stop for one individual having a meltdown. My child may well have benefited, and as an adult, still would benefit from this, but as much as siblings can endeavour to be considerate, it’s not right to ask them to come to a standstill. Having other siblings at home does not lend itself to a household where the whole house has to be shut down, no one can walk around at all, no one can (quietly) do their normal activities. As much as this may be ‘utopia’ we have a full house here and, realistically, could never work without getting everyone else to move out and running two households.

Thank you so much sp12344 for sharing that. I appreciate it, it's really helpful.

We always have a snack on the way home from school (we walk) & another before tea (2 small ones works better than one larger one)

Unfortunately for my son (but fortunately for me) he used to 'Hold it all in' until we started walking home from school & then the meltdown would come out of nowhere but now, as soon as he comes out, if he's upset about something, then it's like he can't hold it anymore, his face will be Red, he will be crying or on the verge of tears, he will have his head down & be hiding behind his teacher OR he will bolt for the gate & I have to grab him.

We have one of those lights with the different colour stars that go all over the ceiling & my son loves it. He often shuts himself in his room (not during a meltdown) & closes the curtains & puts the light on.

I'm not sure how much noise affects him. He has got some noise cancelling headphones but he rarely puts them on.

Dark room mid meltdown, I'm not sure. If the TV or radio is on they get turned off instantly, purely due to the noise level. Fortunately my new neighbour is hard of hearing but the young couple who lived there before used to regularly pound on the walls mid meltdown. Very unhelpful although I understand their frustration of course.

I tend to let him go where he wants to go as long as it's away from his sister's safe space but honestly, he attacks me constantly until it gets too much for me & he ends up in his room with the door shut (with me holding it) 90% of the time tbh.

I've been told off by previous psychologist for this & I know it's not great. I stay outside the room & go in as soon as he wants me to/I can without being hurt.

One of the most perplexing thing my son done is tell me to go away but at the same time follow me around the house hurting me. Eg He will chase me up the stairs & stand there hitting me after telling me to 'Go upstairs & leave me alone'.

It's very confusing. He doesn't want big bear hugs, he doesn't want any contact from me at all. When he is in his room mid-meltdown he tends to want all the lights on, curtains open.

I will have a look for the cat videos. That's really interesting.
He used to smack his head on the floor but hasn't done that for years. He eats his jumper sleeves/chews on cuddly toys & he claps his hands & sings loudly 'Da da da da da' when things are getting a bit much (often on the walk/bus home at the end of a day out)

I havn't tried a food diary for a while, we don't have fizzy drinks but he will have a juice or a milkshake for a treat. Water daily. I'd say his diet is somewhat limited but he's very good with his fruit & vegies.

(I've been known to say that a decent diet is the only thing I've done right for him)

HoppingPavlova Yes, I can see your view here. I'm lucky in a way in that it's just us 3, my daughter goes to her safe space with is my bedroom with the door shut (they share a room normally) & I do put music on in there for her but you can barely hear it from our side. It's for her so that she can shut out the noise of my son's screaming as it really distresses her, & when it's a really bad meltdown it goes on for hours & hours so the music is her comfort. She used to stay awake, no matter how long they went on, but now she will wrap herself up on my bed & go to sleep. And the rest of the house will be silent.

Please don’t encourage your child to believe that animals enjoy violent assault. Maybe get a dummy to slap, but not a cat, not even as an example.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen I didn't say that I was going to encourage him to hurt any animals & I won't.

StrugglesSadness you’re doing so well as it is. From the sounds of things he is autistic. Coming home from school and taking it out on you is a bit of a plus. He has enough emotional awareness and restraint to realise he mustn’t take out his meltdowns on people at school.

My daughters both wore headphones all the time in school and it did help but they didn’t know it would until they tried it. As with many things it’s a trial and error approach.

I believe that your son needs to get his torment out and I’m afraid does not know how to do it. That’s why he’s being aggressive. Being autistic, especially as a child, can be tormenting as they don’t understand why things are so hard and painful, everyone else seems so happy in comparison. I’ve had an idea but it’s a bit extreme. He sees you as an outlet for his meltdowns, he wants you to help him, sees you as the source of all things, good and bad in his life. It’s true as you are his parent and children naturally see us this way. He can not access help in any meaningful way so I was wondering if you should let him fight you? Not walk away. Say I know you’re having a hard time and need some relief so I’m going to let you fight me. Till he feels better. This could happen in one of several ways. You could wrestle with him. I do this with my girls but I’m very strong so I’m not in danger of being hurt. Or get padding, make something or buy something that protects you, especially where he likes to hit. Or get a full sized dummy and say very clearly that you do not like being hurt and so he can attack something else. You could do it together, get your aggression out. I think it’s much more of an intense physical need in boys.

He may say he wants to be alone but then follows you around the house because he wants comfort but doesn’t know how to get it.

Just be aware that although he seems intent on hurting you it’s often not about that, it’s about getting the comfort of release from you. Being honest about it is important so he understands that you don’t like it but understand his need.

I realise this is controversial and strange but it’s because I see it from an autistic viewpoint. I feel we sometimes need to get violent to have a release, it’s just that I do it to myself, in a more controlled way. I bite my hand so much it has formed a callous and have done so since I was a child. It’s an enormous release still.

Obviously I don’t know your child and what works for one doesn’t always work for another. Also none of this is your fault or because of anything you have done in the past.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen I think you missed the point. Cats being hard patted, of which there are many videos online, is a pleasure to that cat, not a thing you just do to any cats, the owners would know if they like it. The video suggestion, was to show how to ‘stim’ by hard slapping an autistic person as it’s the same technique. It’s on the back and you need to do it with a flat hand repetitively about 20 times. Quite hard. It’s one thing that releases stress and tension. But it is a technique and I wanted to mention the video everyone gets the idea.

Thank you for your support sp12344.

Yes, he really does try very hard to 'hide' his feelings at school. He really hates them to 'see' him like that but sometimes I need to stay late & talk to the teacher etc so people see while we wait... He generally clings onto the fence then, hides his face & won't respond to anybody until it's time to leave. (That's the most that school see)

I have mentioned wearing his headphones at school before as there is another boy who does, but he just doesn't want to. He doesn't want anything to draw attention to him.

The letting him hurt me is interesting. I do, to a point. It's extremely vicious though. I have some problems with my feet right now so he stamps on my feet & tries to trip me, & when I was having some work done at the dentist he was deliberately smacking me in the mouth 'Because I know your mouth is sore'. I let him do it until he really hurts me & then I say stop (not that he stops) but it just doesn't make a difference if I walk away instantly or let him hurt me.

I have to keep myself safe. He kicks up at my back 'Because your back is sore' so I have to be careful.

I looked at getting him a punch bag but I'm on the fence with that as I don't want him to attack his sister with the boxing gloves on or get any more strength in his arms tbh. Same with wrestling with him.