Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

So it turns out it's assessment week at school this week.
I posted on here last night when my son had just started a meltdown BUT I thought it was going to be a quick one as he'd taken himself to his room & quietened down. I was wrong. That ended up lasting until 10.pm. violence was off the scale.

It's so difficult. It carried on this morning & my email to school was just answered with 'Sorry that happened, hope you are ok, it's assessment week at school'. (Oh right, so a little pre-warning about that fact might have helped!!!)

Tonight has been better. He was a little on & off & on the verge of a meltdown. We had to have a quick trip out which was unavoidable but I thought was going to tip him over but it's ok. We've made it through day one. (Big Brother countdown in my head for things like this)

We are still struggling along. Therapists latest gem is 'When my kids are behaving in a hyperactive way, I realise that it's my failure as a parent, as I havn't given them the means to use up their energy'. (Said to my son)

I feel like the language is now getting out of control. He had started using swearing maybe 2 months ago, but now it's like the second he is angry it's 'Stupid, fat bitch'.

And I feel like I don't know how to deal with that? I tell him not to. Tell him it's not acceptable. He loses treats etc. Just carries on. The other day he didn't want me to come to a school event & said 'I don't wanna see your stupid, fat, ugly fucking face there'.

After, I tell him those words are hurtful & he says sorry but that's doesn't help does it, because next time he just says them again.

Any advice re dealing with awful language?

That's very painful to read let alone experience. I honestly think in our case it was a complete waste of time seeing any therapist that didn't fully understand and was very skilled in PDA techniques and the kind of parenting required to deal with it. My position then became to every professional: we would welcome your input but can you demonstrate to me what you know about PDA and how you think you can actually help us? Otherwise you will do more damage. This made a whole bunch of people back off.

Your son is clearly very, very distressed. You have the summer coming up could you make a new effort to reduce all demands (as much as you can) using PDA society resources and see if things improve? If they do you can become more militant in making sure the school and everyone else follows them too and hopefully might assist in getting a diagnosis.

It can take weeks to decompress at the end of a school year and your son might just be completely broken at this point (I know mine is...). Keep a diary of everything you are doing and even if small gains it might help understand what is going on.

Thank you for answering me Grimbelina. I've actually spoken to the therapists supervisor this week but I didn't really complain about the sessions themselves, just the lack of organizing them & changing them around at the last minute. 4 sessions left then I'm never going to see him again.

I think that's a good way to phrase it, thank you. I told the support worker that I want everybody to leave me alone (after the therapist told me it's 'just' trauma) & she is absolutely sticking to that, but it's not HER who I wanted to go away (it's the therapist!)

We have to have this last CAFF meeting at school & she said I don't need to attend, but I said I'm attending as it's my son. I'm also insisting on his new teacher being involved as I just don't trust the school to pass over the info about him otherwise.

(He actually had a huge anxiety attack at school the other day which makes me feel so sad for him but also, in an awful way, it's good, because they are 'Seeing' it)
They phoned me twice then got his support worker in, then put in additional measures for that afternoon's activity. So that disrupted everybody's day didn't it, so he's definitely not just 'Fine'.

I will make more of a record of PDA type things that help, instead of just a general record. Thank you.

School holidays feel a bit like a ticking time bomb don't they!

It is very hard and your situation sounds a lot more challenging than ours (and I really struggle at times). I definitely sort of 'leaned in' to all offers of support so there could be no suggestion that I was refusing help or failing my DC. Instead I responded with an incredibly positive and engaged: you want to help, great, what do you know about PDA? Exactly what do you think you can achieve? How will you do that? Do you feel qualified to deal with a child who has possible ASD/PDA and possible trauma from their needs going unmet by other professionals for so long? I am sure you don't want to risk my child's mental and physical health by offering unsuitable care?

I asked lots and lots of questions and if they couldn't answer them then they removed themselves from offering (possibly inappropriate) help at which point I would ask them if there was anyone else who did know about ASD/PDA and could help in their organisation etc.

Those challenged include someone considered one of the top paediatricians in the country... who told me my DC didn't have ASD as their eye contact was too good. At that point I realised that there were many, many apparently qualified people (some in positions of power over our children) who knew less about atypical ASD/PDA than me... and who could do real damage if I didn't protect my child.

I would also be putting a new plan together about how your son needs to be managed at school in Sept and trying to hold the school to it. We have an ASD specialist who oversees ASD support in schools across our borough who was very supportive. I would be trying to identify more people with specialist knowledge who could advocate for you, even come into the school. Again the PDA soc might be able to help here.

None of this is easy though, especially when you are on your knees and just trying to survive another meltdown...

Also meant to say I sadly dread the holidays as I know just how hard they will be without the respite of school and just the constant grind of aggression etc.

Thank you Grimbelina. We definitely need a plan for 'New activities' at school as that's what upset him the other day. And there isn't one at all, at the moment. They just tell him of the activity coming up, & hope for the best.

I try to speak up but I do struggle with it, I need to be more like you!

The current support worker is good as in, when I'm not sure, she speaks up for me BUT, when school says they are doing all they can, she just accepts that, & I think it needs to be challenged.

If everything was fine up until the age of 1.5 and there was a clear onset to this behaviour, have a look at an illness called PANS/PANDAS. Because of the mental health symptoms it can be misdiagnosed as autism or any other raft of mental health issues.

Girlattheback Thank you, I've never heard of that I'll have a look. I don't know if everything was fine up until then as he was my first baby, just that we started noticing with the tantrums going on & on & on at around 1.5 really.

Our support worker is off but I've just messaged her manager & said I can't manage. I can't do this. It's too difficult. I'm failing my children & I can't do this.

They are safe. I can't do this anymore.

He's charging around the house soaking everything + all the windows with a water pistol. He's eating any junk food he can find & refusing his cereal/fruit/toast. He's punching, kicking, trying to shove me down the stairs, through the upstairs window. I'm a bitch, a fucking arsehole, I'm a fat fucker (& this shouldn't hurt but it does because I am fat)

They both hate me. Sister is refusing to do anything today just parroting back 'You aren't in charge of me' As that's all she heard his say last night. From 5-10 last night whilst he was beating me & swearing at me. She's telling me she hates me.

He's crying/angry & telling me how he hates me & wants me to hurry up & die.

I wish I'd hurry up & die too.

They deserve better. I'm standing there for a little longer than the natural instinct to pull myself away from the beatings, because I'm hoping he will actually do some serious damage to me.

This isn't about me. It's about them. And I'm failing them.

That sounds so stressful, I’m sorry you’re having such a bad day today. I am not surprised you’re feeling like you need a way out but please don’t put yourself in harm’s way. Have things calmed down this afternoon? Do you need to vent to us?

Hi Girlattheback Thank you for answering me. I feel so desperately sad today. I feel like this is all mine & my children's lives are ever going to be & that none of us will ever get any relief.

I absolutely cannot manage this situation anymore & it isn't fair on my children.

I got all ready to walk out earlier. I was going to leave. But my youngest was so upset so I stayed. But my son was saying 'Fuck off then, I'd rather anybody else apart from you'.

I'm covered in bruises.

I was going to get somebody to come & sit with them, I wasn't going to leave them alone.

I told the support workers manager all of this.

I also told my kids dad. He said he can maybe come for a bit this afternoon but that I stayed & that proves I'm a good mum. I told him that if I walked away that doesn't make me a bad mum, just a person who cannot cope.

I know nobody on here will agree with that & I know I'm selfish & awful.

I spent some time laying on my bed & then I made them lunch & went through the motions.

I'm an awful person.

The family therapist is gonna have a field day about this. My son is traumatised & I've now given him something else to be traumatised about.

OP, you are not an awful person.You have endured more abuse, hostility and terrible , terrible trouble than most people can imagine, and you are still in there, doing your best.

you have my profound admiration. I wish there was something practical I could do for you.

Thank you Allthegoodnamesarechosen But I messed up today didn't I. They now think that when things get tough, I will leave.

He keeps grabbing, nipping, pinching at my boobs & it sounds silly but it's really upsetting for me. I can't explain it. When a meltdown starts I put a bra on if I have PJ's on (after tea I get PJ's on with the kids) & that helps some, but times like this morning when we've just got up & he keeps grabbing at me. I hate it. Also spitting in my face last night & today. Licking me. Putting his fingers in his bum & wiping poo on me (sorry that's gross)

But it doesn't matter does it. You put up with it as a parent.

I'd cried so much already today & then when their dad wouldn't help (I never ask him to help) I was sobbing just feeling so alone with it. My son walks in & asks 'Why are you crying big tears?' grabs at my boobs (bra on now) & pulls my hair, snacks me across the face then wipes my tears on me going 'Eurgh you fat fuck I've got your disgusting tears on me'.

He's suffering so much though isn't he, to behave like that.

You need to stop blaming yourself and talking about failing your children, it isn't helping. The reality is you are trying to cope with an extreme and abusive situation, and on your own, and right now you can't. Hardly any of us could. I know I am struggling with similar but less severe issues than you and I have good support, money, the correct diagnoses etc.

Your son likely has neurodevelopmental challenges and possible accumulated trauma related to unmet needs (unmet by others, not by you, it sounds like you have been doing the best job you can with little support). You need to be clearheaded enough to see the situation for what it really is so you can take the right action.

It is not OK to be a punchbag and put yourself in harms way. You need to be well enough and strong enough to be able to advocate for your son for the long term, even if at a distance in the short term.

You are not failing your children if you say you have had enough, you can't continue and need a great deal more support.

I am so sorry you are in such a bad place, I truly am.

That sounds intolerable.

I just wanted to say that just because your child has experienced some trauma that does not mean that he does not also have PDA/ASD/ADHD/personality disorder. I feel that by the therapist stating that the difficulties stem from trauma you have then decided that all the challenges could have been avoided has his Dad or you acted differently which I think is highly unlikely to be the case.

My DS10 is awaiting ASD/ADHD/learning disability assessment. It took ages to get him accepted for assessment because he did experience early life trauma (I adopted him) and because 'he has good eye contact', grrrrr.

I was just wondering if your DS has ever been assessed by an occupational therapist? I have found them far and away the most insightful professionals about strategies to help DS although sadly NHS ones only tend to deal with functional skills. I was lucky that DS's school referred him to a private OT for assessment.

dimples76

I would echo your post too (down to being sent away because "eye contact was too good" to begin with. My child has experienced no obvious trauma... except for the trauma that is a consequence of having ASD/PDA/ADHD and navigating a neurotypical world. Also found OTs to be the most helpful and clued up.

You are not an awful person. You sound like a lovely mother who is trying her hardest for her children.
My son can have aggressive and violent outbursts, and at times, I am covered in bruises. He also swears at me and calls me names sometimes. The words hurt more for me. I know how extremely difficult it is and how heartbreaking it is. I have got to the point where I've just sobbed and got my shoes and went to walk out because we can only take so much. We have feelings, too. That doesn't make us awful. It makes us human. Don't put yourself down. You are doing an excellent job in a very difficult situation.

Thank you for all of the support. And sending strength & love to those of you who are struggling too. Thank you for sharing your stories.

They are in bed. They are ok. I'm full of that nervous energy & can't really believe that I made it through today.

I can't help blaming myself. Years ago, their dad used to blame me. 'He's like that because of you'.

I did think 'Well if it's trauma then let's drop the assessment & all of the autism stuff' but the support worker talked me round & said that we need to get it done just so that we know & there's definitely enough evidence to send off to the assessment department again. Last time, it was just myself & the Senco who filled it in. This time it's myself, Senco, Support worker & my son's teacher.

I'd never thought of an OT assessment. I will write some notes for when support workers manager calls me tomorrow.

I'm so tired. I just want him to be ok

The licking and wiping poo is very sensory led. Definitely do the autism/adhd assessment. I work with families further down the track and so much pain and heartache could be prevented if autism was the correct diagnosis in the first place (yes, along with trauma if that’s the case). But licking you is sensory ans you may look at it a different way. The pinching your boobs would be frustrating and certainly lay the hitting. Does he remember doing it after he does it?

We are going ahead imip. Thank you. It was briefly on hold when I said I wanted everybody to leave me alone (I also said that he spends his days trying to kill me weather we have this extra help or not so might as well not have it) But the support worker came right over & said I was placing too much weight on the therapists decision etc, she said there was nothing wrong with just myself & the Senco filling the form in before (as I didn't have the previous support workers support) but that it hold much more weight this time... & She keeps promising that things will get better for us but I can't see it.

I know I should look at it a different way. I know he can't help it. When I'm in the middle of it & his sister isn't listening either & the whole house sounds like a war-zone, then it's very difficult to see a solution.

He stood out the front of the house screaming yesterday & I think 'Why doesn't somebody come & help?' not that they could do anything. I just feel so alone.

I'm not sure how much he remembers tbh. Sometimes I will mention something & I get an absolute blank look & it's clear he has no idea. It's impossible to get him to talk about things like his meltdowns anyway really. The most I get is head down, grunting 'Sorry'. I've tried all the things like doing whilst we are walking, playing, in the middle of talking about something else etc.

If I say specifically 'Please don't keep grabbing at my boobs when you are angry/upset' he will either say 'Fine! Sorry!' like an angry teenager/look at me blankly or look at me like I'm crazy & say 'Of course I won't!'

It feels like he just says 'Sorry' the next day, because he should. If he says it at all.

But if I mention, say, my boobs specifically, then next time he has a meltdown he will be saying 'I'm going for your boobs coz I know it upsets you'.

He did, bizarrely, in front of his friends at a parents day at school the other day, say 'That's my mum, I love to try & kill her all the time. Every day, don't I mum?' (Cue horrified/amused looks from his friends & me looking at the floor)

Thank you for talking to me. I have this other agency working with us & they are coming today (already planned) & hopefully support workers manager will ring straight away.

I've just been to check on them. Life is absolutely crazy isn't it. It's just so hard.

Is your son 8 years old now? I wasn't sure as that was the last age you mentioned.

I am saying this is the kindest way but how you are living isn't sustainable.
You are your other children are being abused and traumatized by your son.

Do you document all the incidents and report them when he assaults you and his sister?

I think you know that this is only going to get worse and and things are clearly out of control and have been for a long time. He will only get bigger and stronger as he hits puberty and there is the very real chance he will kill you or you sister.

I would look into having your son sectioned. He clearly has serious issues that you just aren't able to handle by yourself. You and your other children have the right to be safe from abuse regardless if your son has autism or has been traumatized in some way.

RantyAnty He's just turned 10. I tell his support worker/school every time yes. When I used to phone the police they'd say there's nothing they can do. They once had him in the back of their car for a bit to calm him down. Another time he told them he was calm now (but I could see in his eyes that he wasn't) & when they left he carried on.

I used to call them when he got hold of knives etc but he doesn't do that now as we have the lock box. Or when he'd left the house but he doesn't do that now as we have the extra door locks (although he spends his time yanking on the door trying to break them) they are kind of like 2 chains across the door.

Yesterday he was out the front & didn't run off. That's a positive.

Another one offering solidarity. Age 9-11 was the absolute worst with DS for violence and also swearing. I think the start of puberty did not help. I also went through the therapist saying it was attachment difficulties (trauma) because I was a single parent from birth. I found that person very judgmental and it really made me feel awful. So I'm reading your story with understanding.

What I did was read up about low demand parenting and then implement it. Things that DS finds unbearable (eating with the family, going to busy places, swimming lessons, holidays, hair cuts etc) we just don't do any more or only when absolutely necessary.

Other people see this as 'not parenting' or 'letting him get his own way' but actually it has saved our relationship. I have red lines eg no console after 9pm, must have good hygiene and go to school and do homework. That's it. A lot of his meltdowns were about not being in control of situations, so this has helped.

I also applied for an EHC plan (school said no way would I get one but I did) which made school a bit easier (things like not getting a pen licence would make him rage).
Could you apply for DLA and use it to save up for private EP or other assessment?