Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

I would seriously NOT looking into having your child sectioned! This is not good advice, outcomes are very poor for Autistic people who are sectioned - young and old. It is basically impossible anyway. I second low demand parenting, and applying for an EHCP.

I tend to let him go where he wants to go as long as it's away from his sister's safe space but honestly, he attacks me constantly until it gets too much for me & he ends up in his room with the door shut (with me holding it) 90% of the time tbh.

I did this with DS 1 for quite a while, he's Autistic, probably has some truama from his Dad's behaviour too. I do think it's very likely your DS is Autistic and also suffering truama. That's something I'm trying to come to terms with that my DC especially the two elder have suffered trauma from their Dad. I struggle to hold the door against DS anymore and I couldn't really stand doing it, it seemed so harmful to him (not commenting on your DS here) and it always escalated the meltdown. Now I go into DDs room with the other DC and sit against the door so he can't get in. He actually calms a lot faster when he has no one to target and although I still end up hurting from him smashing into the door, it's a lot lot less than if I'm in the room with him. I don't know if this would work for your DS, but it might be worth trying.

My DS is very loving, but when he's in that place he will like your DS target any part of me he knows is hurting or things like my glasses. I have a chronic illness and he knows where to hit to huet. It's very confronting being targeted like that and trying to remember that isn't him doing that, it's him overwhelmed and hitting out. I've told him a couple times now the next day that my body hurts from it, I talk to him about it when he's calm and how what we need to work on together is him not getting to that place, which we've been doing for a while, but I think it helped for him to know that there are consequences from him hitting out and that while he might not be able to control himself mid meltdown that doesn't mean we don't even try. The trying has to happen before that point.

He can now tell me sometimes if he's had too much when we're out. I try to balance things, screens actually help him escape the world for and regulate, but too much is not good. So we balance screens and sport and how much time he spends out and we avoid busy places and have some books we read about mediation and heavy blankets and fidgets. We never play competitive games, he has lots of sensory issues and can only wear specific materials, and I try and make the world an easier place for him to be in, smooth things over. Sometimes the strangest things help, like tickling his feet or lying on top of him or him being rolled up in his heavy blanket or lying on a cold mat. It does seem you've no sooner found something that helps then it stops working, don't get rid of fidgets and aides though, they can circle back around to them again.

All my DC are Autistic, DS shares a bedroom with his brother. Currently seperating from stbxh, one of my priorities when we move is that DS gets his own room even if that means I sleep in a living room or something. He needs that space from his brother. I'm wondering if there's some way your DS could get his own space that might help him, especially if you can see there's lots of sibling issues or jealousy going on or they keep each other awake. It's amazing what difference sleep can make to DS ability to regulate.

I'm sorry you and your DC aren't getting the support you need and deserve. I hope something on here or IRL helps you find a better way forward for all 3 of you.

I've had my volunteer round & we've had her 2 managers on speaker phone. They are going to call Support workers manager (who hasn't got back to me) & reiterate to him that I am at breaking point.

They've reassured me that I'm doing my best & I've not damaged my kids by saying what I did yesterday. (I still feel like I have though)

They asked if I can speak to the Family therapist about any of this & I said absolutely not because he will blame me. He's coming today so they said send him a text letting him know we had a rough weekend (& to be nice to me today)

I'm feeling ok. Weird day. My son was the happiest kid in the world this morning, & I feel like I'm dying inside. It's a weird feeling isn't it. I'm so proud of him for being able to hold all of these feelings in at school I suppose. He's so strong.

imip I'm not going to. I know I wanted to walk away but that's me leaving so that my children can hopefully have a better life, not me sending my son away.

AceofPentacles Thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry you've been through it too. Sending strength to you.

We've recently been approved for DLA but I've been using it towards taxis, swimming lessons (So that he wasn't so nervous about going with school)& things like that so far.

i know what you mean about low demand parenting but there aren't so many of those obvious triggers for my son. He's ok going to a new place with school but only with a lot of reassurance first. Same with a new place with me. I can answer all his questions & reassure him & then he's fine.

He's getting upset about, say, his sister wants to be Red when they play a game. And this sends him into a meltdown that lasts for hours. Or they will be taking it in turns to play with something & he will decide that he now wants it for longer, sister will start crying & he goes into a meltdown that lasts for hours.

So I mocro-manage their time together as much as possible but it still happens. Sometimes he will start shouting about being upset about something at school & then I will know that's actually what started it today. (Or he's upset about an upcoming test or something but instead of being able to say that, he gets upset about any little thing here)

Check out PDAsociety
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.pdasociety.org.uk/&ved=2ahUKEwj9p8ug0OD_AhWRtqQKHdDIC0oQFnoECBkQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3bLvpFzFIdXFnuWc98dCfM

Thank you EliflurtleTripanInfinite. I appreciate you sharing that & I'm sorry you are struggling too.
My son isn't able to tell me when he's had enough if we are out but I notice the signs like he will start singing loudly.

I've just been speaking to my volunteer about getting on the council list to try & get them a bedroom each. With our house being open plan downstairs there just isn't enough spaces for them to be alone, & the tent he has just isn't working. Possibly because it's too out in the open but there's nowhere else for it to go.

Today, they were saying that he possibly feels Shane about his behaviour & that's why he won't talk about it. That might be it. & The 'Fine. Sorry!' is all front.

What did work today was, he usually takes a packed lunch on a Monday & a snack, & I didn't have anything in for snack as we weren't able to get out yesterday. I told him we didn't manage to get to the shops, because of yesterday, so he's just got some crackers. Normally, this would have been enough to start a meltdown, mentioning the day before, & the change of food, but today, he just nodded & said 'Ok'. Amazing!

I'm feeling a little bit brighter now. Thank you.

I've left a message asking the PDA society to ring me.

Might be worth trying to use his senses when beginning to go into ‘fight’ mode. Eg, very cold drink using a straw, sucking an ice cube.

Thank you imip I can give it a try, there's very little window between him seeming like he's fine & flying into a rage.

I understand that his 'Fine' is already a pretty anxious level & that's why he flies into a meltdown so quickly from seemingly nowhere.

Well I spoke to my Support workers manager & he was no help at all
He was asking if my daughter go hurt at all this weekend & I said no it was all directed at me & he said that's good. Nothing said about the impact this is having on me though & even if she's not physically hurt, she isn't ok.

I told him that I can't manage them & nothing is getting better & I don't know what to do to make things better but he just said 'I understand that. Have you got the ND referal done?' So I said 'Yes, I think Support worker has finished it but that's gonna take years I think & what happens in the meantime?' & he said 'I understand your frustration, myself or support worker are always available for a chat' so I said 'But chatting isn't changing anything. It's not ok that things get so bad that I think about leaving my children & it's not ok that my son is in such emotional turmoil.'

& He said 'No, I understand that & I appreciate you telling me how hard things are for you all. How did things go with volunteer earlier?' so I said 'It was fine, it's nice to talk things through but like I said, talking isn't changing anything. She was concerned about how things are so she called her manager & we had a chat'

He said he understands again.

So I just said ok & ended the call.

I’ve just read your updates, I just wanted to repeat what others have said that you are not a bad parent. You are just going through an awful time and I’m sorry you don’t have a support network, it makes everything so much tougher. You mentioned maybe their dad could come over yesterday. Can you arrange that anyway? During my roughest patches, I used to make a coffee and drive somewhere with a nice view, sit in the car, sip my coffee and listen to music. I found it very restorative.

How are you feeling today?

Hi Girlattheback. Thank you for checking in. I'm glad you are able to do that, it sounds lovely. Their dad will stick to his every other weekend. I didn't hear from him anymore until 9pm last night asking how they are.

He's always been like this. Once, the police called him themselves & told him to get himself round & help me. They wrote on their report that I was 'Clearly exhausted' & I feel the same now tbh.

I'm ok. Not really but you know. Feeling down about the support workers manager, I really thought he was going to have some ideas or something. I don't know why I bothered to tell him, I was reaching out for help & get nothing back.

I'm dreading this family therapist later today. I always do dread it but it's worse today as I know he's gonna be looking down at me so much.

Volunteers manager said that it shows strength of character that I'm carrying on with these sessions even though they make me feel how I do. I don't feel strong at all.

OP I've just found this thread today. I don't have much to add practicality wise, but just that I'm thinking of you- perhaps the caring thoughts of all of us on here will reach you and make it seem 1% easier today.

No wonder you're at breaking point. You are dealing with massive abuse. I have an 11 yo DS with ASD/ADHD/ Epilepsy and the hitting and meltdowns started at Xmas out of the blue. We imagine it's hormones, but it's very hard. In saying that they're nothing on the scale of what you're experiencing, my other children are older teens and I have DP here who is brilliant. I cannot imagine what you are going through.

To anyone reading this it's as clear as the nose on my face that your DS has ASD and PDA. Keep pushing with the awful system. I'm in Scotland and have had a much easier road to diagnosis- but I suspect it's because neurology pushed for it, they listen to other professionals! Our consultant at CAMHS for his adhd is phenomenal, but the ASD team are very hands off.

The only thing I can suggest is to get that bloody sorry excuse for a father to step up. I know it may be hard- you say you're quiet, but you NEED to act for your own wellbeing- but arrive and leave the children/ your son with him and just say "I'll be back at such a time' and have an entire day/ afternoon/weekend to regroup or some time doing a nice activity with DD.

The only thing that has kept me sane over the years (with an ASD child, not even the PDA/ violence) is regularly being able to take the older 2 to do something/ DP taking them and I have 1-1 with DS.

Very recently my consultant at CAMHS has pushed for social work support. The disability team contacted me on Thursday and are making an application for funding for respite- hopefully a regular, weekly slot where someone would take DS out for a few hours/ evening/ afternoon. I know it might work differently from Scotland, but perhaps another line of support?

You're doing everything you can. Believe me, you are phenomenal.

I have been where you are so it’s no trouble to just sit with you with compassion and listen to what you need to talk about. I’m sorry about the family therapy sessions, they should not require strength of character, ffs. Sounds like you’ve had a lot on your plate this morning already. Could you give yourself a break and cancel this afternoon?

Are the kids with your ex this weekend?

And fuck that therapist. How could anyone have thought he was a good fit? Patronising arsehole. (I have respectable job etc, but hearing your tale gas made me really, fucking angry). I'm sick to the back teeth of everyone around me (I work in education) blaming learning/ social needs/ neuro-diversity on nurture/ attachment/ adverse childhood experiences (ACEs are the new buzzword).

I've just heard back from the therapist after I text him (I said we had a really bad weekend but the kids are ok today)

He asked if I think the reason my son is upset is because he is dwelling on the past?! What is his obsession with the past?! Thousands, millions of kids have a father (mainly) that leave, don't they, & they don't walk around trying to kill their mothers because they are dwelling on the past FFS.

Sorry, I will read the latest posts & be back. I'm really upset. I can't believe he just sent that to me.

Omfg! That’s sooo shockingly bad. Agreed, parents leave, it does not cause the behaviours you are having to deal with. What qualifications does the family therapist have?

Thegoodbadandugly I understand that & understand that I could be doing all of those things to my kids & not mentioning it on here, but how about giving somebody the benefit of the doubt that they aren't doing those things to their kids when they've come on here & asked for help?

Anyway, the therapist isn't saying it's trauma due to something that I'm doing now to my son/have done in the past to my son. He's saying it's trauma due to his dad leaving.

Girlattheback Thank you for all of your kindness, especially when you are going through enough stuff of your own. I'm just gritting my teeth & getting through these last 4 sessions tbh.

I just said back to him that there was nothing obvious that upset my son (apart from sibling stuff) I mean, if there was, then surely it would be easier to prevent these meltdowns from happening in the first place.

Thank you for your kindness Puffalicious & I'm sorry for what you are going through too.
We aren't going through CAHMS we are going through Barnardo's but there doesn't seem to be any support for whilst you are waiting to hear about the assessment.

I get every other Saturday to myself (unless their dad is busy) half of that is spent sorting out my chaotic house & the other I try to make sure I get a rest. I can't just take them to his because he is never home. I know he isn't home because he lives by my local shop & his car isn't there.

I do send one to a club & have a day with the other in the holidays. Unfortunately we are down to one holiday club from the 2 we had because my son absolutely refuses to go to the first one anymore due to bullying (that they say didn't happen) & horrendous meltdowns all the day before & just to get him through the door that morning. He is ok when he's there & comes out happy but it's just not worth it.

I used to have my mum on the end of the phone just to vent to but she's unwell so I'm not putting this on her.

I have reported the post from thegoodbadandugly so hopefully it will be taken down soon.

Good luck this afternoon

Why on earth would you report it? Them op asked if it could be caused by trauma and sometimes things can be caused by trauma without it being a condition.

Also reported. How dare you come on here with an agenda which has NO relevance to the OP who is gentle parenting in the face of extreme abuse from her DS who clearly has an ASD and PDA profile. What is your background in these neuro-divergent conditions? What's your expertise/ experience?

You sound like a relative of my friend who claimed that 'autism is one of these made up conditions ' as he saw me struggling with a young DS.

Your neighbours may very well be poor parents, but don't you dare come onto this thread and tell OP it's her parenting that's caused trauma when there's absolutely no evidence for that. Live one day in her shoes...

Do you get a kick out of kicking others when they're down? Go get your kicks elsewhere.

Well said puffalicious!

Thegoodbadandtheugly - you might want to take another look at your message. OP is burned out, exhausted and doing everything she can to help her dc and you practically accused her of child abuse. Shame on you.

Exactly girlattheback. Where on Earth are the admins?

Thank you Puffalicious & Girlattheback For fighting my corner. You are both lovely

Therapist told us some more mindful techniques. Kids sat there in the paddling pool (topped up with hot water) zoned out (as was I, I always am when he comes tbh. I shut down & just watch my son like a hawk for signs of distress. Sometimes he has to say my name to get my attention but that's because of my son's previous meltdowns when he's been here, I can't let my guard down)

I put some calming music on my phone & I was feeling really teary (Again!) Tired, relieved that my kids are ok. Worried about what's to come. Glad that it seems like school went ok (although I might find out later today that it didn't. He was upset about having a change of teacher, but I talked him through it. He thought that I knew & hadn't told him)

I went to make snack & therapist followed me in to show me this week's paperwork (my son can't see it as he thinks it says stuff that it doesn't say, about sending him to prison etc) & he was going through this checklist saying that I feed them correctly, they have comfort, warmth & I clearly love them & show the affection etc, he said he knows it's been a tough weekend & I nodded (& I was glad I had my sunglasses on as there were tears that I wiped when he walked off)

I nearly broke down in front of him. Things must be bad, I nearly bonded with the dam evil therapist!!!

Only negative this time was when he argued with me about when/how to tell my son that the sessions are ending. We are doing it my way. I don't care what his 'Other families' do.

Thank you for the support everybody. The kids have their tea. They are ok.

Still trying to be gentle as I know you're completely burnt out and fed up having to deal with this day in and day out.

I think the therapist you currently have it shit.
Your ex may be crap and yes he left but that doesn't really have much to do with you son's current behaviour.

What does the boy's father have to say about his behaviour? Where else do he behave like he does?