Do people physically force kids?

[Anonymouslyposting]

My 2.5 year old DD is going through the terrible twos. She is a lovely, clever, kind little girl but I am having to take a lot of deep breaths at the moment…

She won’t do anything she’s asked to - get up, get dressed, eat, drink, go out, do any activity we suggest, have her vitamins, brush her teeth or go to bed. She’s intermittently rejecting my DH who used to be a firm favourite and has started occasional hitting (she seems more to be trying to see our reaction that hurt us). Apparently she is good as good at nursery but is the same with her grandparents.

I understand that this is developmentally normal, she’s testing boundaries and asserting herself, particularly as we have a 4 month old who is taking my attention and I’m sure has been unsettling for her.

But what do we do? Do we really have to physically force her into her clothes/the buggy/to brush her teeth every time? I’ve tried explaining things to her, waiting until she gets bored and gives in (but I don’t always have time for this), mirroring her feelings but none of this works consistently. I’m sure she’ll go out of this phase but is it normal for everything to be a fight until then?

There isn't really an alternative is there? At that age they are not old even to hold a discussion about it or understand you are going to ground them....

I remember at that age Ds was a nightmare for planking when he didn't want to get into the car seat - he was so strong I couldn't "fold him", so I used to tickle him to get him to bend which just made him more angry, it is a nightmare age!

It's really hard being patient with my eldest when my newborn needs me now and starts crying. So the delay and until eldest is ready to decide etc just causes me even more stress. But I agree if I can then I offer loads of choice and don't force anything except car seat/double pram, teeth and nappy removal if poo is about to be squished out all over my carpets!

Physically forcing a child to do anything is a really bad idea. I’m surprised so many people are saying yes!

For her teeth I’d be saying no sweets or treats I’m afraid. So basically anything she likes to eat is off the menu as sadly her teeth need to be cleaned afterwards.

Clothing would bother me less. If my son refuses to get dressed I say that’s fine I shall deposit him in to school in his pants. I’d take her clothes with you and explain to preschool that she refused to get dressed today. Hopefully they would work with you in this regard.

Going to bed. I have been known to just say ‘night’ and take myself to bed if my DS won’t allow us to finish his bedtime routine. That soon gets him pleading with me to go to bed.

Parenting is basically a game of chess. You have to plan your next move before they’ve even picked their chess piece.

And how does the tooth brushing thing work with an 18 month old who a) doesn’t get to eat many sweet treats yet as not really got any concept of them and b) doesn’t understand that sort of reasoning? Same with clothing? The examples you are giving would only work on an older child, it means shit all to a toddler. Sure you can explain so much if it makes you feel better, but very small children will not understand the negotiation.

I wouldn't say manipulation is much better than picking them up and making them do what they need to.

Yes, over some things. Brushing teeth, getting dressed. Ds1 wasn't a difficult toddler usually but DD was very strong -willed. For almost two years she refused to wear anything but shorts- with jumpers and woolly tights in the winter, to parties and weddings, shorts every day. Not worth fighting over. She also lived on weetabix and bananas, and scrambled eggs on toast for days at a time. If I'd done the bread and butter thing she would just have had that- wouldn't have eaten the meal we were having. She's fine now with food and clothes. DS2 has little dramas but he always gives in before I do.

Yes to this!

Give her choices where both are fine with you: do you want the strawberry or mint toothpaste- leggings or skirt...to go to bed now or when timer rings -while we put your shoes on shall we sing x or y etc. This works more than you would expect-it is a distraction but feels like freedom too😁

Say 'yes' whenever you can and save 'No' for when it is really needed. When you think about it, you often could have said yes. (Toddlers get 'no' all day because they are so unreasonable but they do find it frustrating.)

This is a good idea too. Along with the musical toothbrush and her picking a toothpaste she liked, we used to brush her favourite teddy's teeth too. I also used to talk to her through her teddy (like he was talking) and she was much more compliant with him than me 😂

You are doing just fine.

One little thing I've seen with some children is giving them a choice, not about tooth brushing or not brushing but do you want the red toothbrush or the blue toothbrush?

Or here are two T shirts which do you want?

I say some because they are all different. I don't have my own but have been around for quite a while.

And what happens when you have a child who won't be manipulated and needs medicine? Do they just go without medicine because physically forcing them is a really bad idea? And no treats and sweets alone doesn't keep teeth healthy. They still need their teeth brushed. Same for baths.

I do allow for natural consequences with certain things like no shoes? OK your feet will get cold and you might step on a stone and no jumper? OK you'll get cold. But other things like car seats, teeth brushing and medicine - I will physically force her to do those things yes. I've had doctors and nurses help me physically pin her down to get calpol down her before because sometimes it is more beneficial to physically force some things than it is to leave it.

Sometimes you can avoid confrontation by not saying things which are guaranteed to elicit a 'NO'. A bit of distracting chat, and no mention of the annoying task, while putting on shoes, brushing teeth, putting away toys, etc, can work really well. My kids would often join in without thinking if their resistance hadn't been roused by a preamble.
I would often just pick up my toddler and put him on the toilet if I knew he was about to wet his pants, rather than asking: 'Do you need the toilet?' I would just pick up his shoes and start to put them on his feet, without saying: 'time to put your shoes on'.
Toddlers like to say 'no', so I would choose to avoid a tricky situation where he had to save face by refusing to go to the toilet, etc.

Another way to help them save face is to get them to do whatever irritating thing they are doing a few more times before they do what they actually need to do- so, if they are throwing the shoe across the room rather than putting it on, you could say: 'let's throw your shoe 5 more times before you put it on your foot'.
This strategy is what leads to the old favourite of giving them choices like: 'Do you want to use the pink or the green toothpaste', but my kids were never taken in by that one- they would see through it and say 'neither'.

These kind of things don't always work, but they are occasionally really helpful. Think to yourself: 'How can I set my toddler up to save face, to not feel like he is giving in, while also setting him up to have a successful outing?'.

Teeth - not negotiable other than who does it
Car seat - not negotiable

Meal times - you are welcome to not eat your food but there will not be anything else until x time

Getting dressed - he can choose what he wears (and yes we have gone out in pyjamas) and I have once offered to take him to nursery naked (he was currently naked) which had a surprising result of him getting dressed

Like others I pick my battles. We have a rule about sun hats which means everyone (young and old) have to comply with

I also work on the basis of does this directly impact me

After I've tried the nice approach let's have a race etc. yep I force him. What's the alternative? Being naked and filthy with rotten teeth?!

Lower your expectations. Don't battle the small stuff. Do battle the big stuff. Allow lots of time so you are less frustrated. Lose the ideal of she should be behaving l, it just causes you frustration, it is what it is and you are dealing with it. Also try distraction, making things fun Ie a dressing race or 5 bounces on bed between items of clothing. Try to relax the situation where you can. But yes it will get better.

Some hills are worth dying on, but I don't think there are many worth that with toddlers! Like others have said, choose your battles, lower expectations.

Mine is 2Y11M and she's quite good if I reason with her eg. 'If you don't get dressed we won't be able to go to nursery and see your friends' or if she won't brush her teeth 'well you can't have any breakfast until you have brushed them'. But appreciate some toddlers are not amenable to such things! In which case there are some non negotiables. The bath is awful for us but I make her have a bath twice a week even though she screams. When she was younger she went through phases of hating nappy changes and that was always a non negotiable too. But things like insisting she gets the whole box of her socks out to choose a pair at bedtime, whilst very annoying, I go along with because it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

I'm not at the wrestling stage yet, thankfully. But they often want to be able to choose and feel a bit of independence.
I know you can't do it with everything like getting in the car but getting dressed and anything where you can offer a choice.
So with clothes, pick 2 outfits out and ask which one she wants to wear so, do you want to wear the jeans or pink dress.
I find giving a choice has helped my DD so much more and she's not as difficult to do a lot of things.
Also, don't pose things as a question, instead of "can you brush your teeth?" Say "it's time to brush your teeth".

Big little feelings on Instagram is brilliant for help with boundaries and just how to deal with a lot of situations

Yes I think you do have to sometimes. Always do it as kindly as you can (not roughly like "If you didn't want me to do it you should have done it!")

What happens when the child ends up with marks on their skin when you’ve forced them to comply? I assume everyone physically manhandling their children are doing it in such a way that it won’t potentially bring SS to the door if the child says ‘mummy hurt me last night’.

Yep like everyone says. Have your hard limits like teeth, medicine, car seats, road safety etc but otherwise you can’t really force them to eat vegetables or go to sleep etc.

i once got into a 2 plus hour standoff with my toddler DS over a stupid bowl of porridge. Not my finest hour. For some reason he wouldn’t try it (was slightly different to “normal”) and I should’ve just said “ok you can have a banana instead” or something and not bothered. The porridge never got eaten and everyone was very very stressed. I blame new baby sleep deprivation and hormones. (Pretty sure he happily requested it and ate it a month later)

My kids are now 7 and 5 and we have different parenting challenges, but I definitely don’t miss the toddler years!

Very, rarely - i do everything else before forcing. i have 9 and have been the same with all of them. I'm happy with how the older ones have turned out.

@RudsyFarmer if that ever happened, then i assume they'd do what they were told quicker next time.

As it stands, that never happened and there aren't many toddlers who are strong enough to wriggle away so that a grown adult would end up leaving a mark by manhandling them.

A friend who is a dental hygienist taught me how to clean teeth on a recalcitrant toddler, it was very much holding down and getting on with it!
I always used to make them laugh if they were fighting the car seat/buggy etc, if they are laughing they go a bit more flexible and you can quickly get them strapped in.

I would say teeth and anything with a buckle - car seat, pushchair etc yes. But other than that I would let a lot of stuff go and hopefully intercept a lot of stuff before shit hits the fan with planning, warning, etc.

Skin doesn't mark like that.

Yeah course it doesn’t. Chinny reckon. For every 9 of you forcing your kids into submission ‘kindly’ they’ll be one of you bruising your child.