Do people physically force kids?

[Anonymouslyposting]

My 2.5 year old DD is going through the terrible twos. She is a lovely, clever, kind little girl but I am having to take a lot of deep breaths at the moment…

She won’t do anything she’s asked to - get up, get dressed, eat, drink, go out, do any activity we suggest, have her vitamins, brush her teeth or go to bed. She’s intermittently rejecting my DH who used to be a firm favourite and has started occasional hitting (she seems more to be trying to see our reaction that hurt us). Apparently she is good as good at nursery but is the same with her grandparents.

I understand that this is developmentally normal, she’s testing boundaries and asserting herself, particularly as we have a 4 month old who is taking my attention and I’m sure has been unsettling for her.

But what do we do? Do we really have to physically force her into her clothes/the buggy/to brush her teeth every time? I’ve tried explaining things to her, waiting until she gets bored and gives in (but I don’t always have time for this), mirroring her feelings but none of this works consistently. I’m sure she’ll go out of this phase but is it normal for everything to be a fight until then?

All of this, but when all else failed I didn’t hesitate to put my kids in a headlock to brush their teeth.
However savage it sounds, toothbrushing was non negotiable for me.

You just keep trying different things (do you want to clean your teeth first or brush your hair), force the non-negotiables as gently as possible and just before you completely lose the will to leave they become reasonable little people.

I make things into a game and fun where possible, and give choices. So do you want to wear x t shirt or y tshirt? Do you want mummy to put you in the car seat or climb in yourself? Give the em options, let them assert themselves in areas. How fast can you put your T-shirt on? Can you put your own shoes on? When you get to the car, which songs would you like to listen to when we’re driving? Then whilst they’re thinking about it, get them into their seat.

This all works really well with my kid and he is generally a terror, so not a compliant, easy child at all. But lots of options. And if all else fails then I say ‘Okay, well you can’t come to X unless you get dressed/do your teeth/get in the car, so mummy will have to go without you’ and then he tends to move pretty sharpish

Yup. Toddler wrestling is inevitable.

Yes
I would also pick my battles. Vitamins... she should be getting everything she needs in her diet so I wouldn't make a fight out of it.
Everything that isn't "necessary" like getting in the car just pay no attention.
For example say she is making a fuss about lunch and doesn't want to sit in her chair. Just leave her and ignore her, when she realises that her behaviour doesn't get a reaction she'll realise she wants to eat.

Yep agree with most others have said.
Pick your battles but things like toothbrushing, cars seats, buggy refusal when I need to be somewhere I will force.
The buggy I will bribe with a snack, car seat is a hold down and buckle up, toothbrushing I let them have a go in the bath then I take over it's not up for debate.

A tap on the hand is totally pointless and not something I would do.

Giving choices was working for a while - now her response to unattractive options is to just go absolutely silent to delay things…

The 'picking your battles' thing can be really effective. "You don't want to wear your coat? OK, you don't have to. I think you'll be cold without one though..." Many times mine have changed their mind just from hearing that. When they've been stubborn enough to see it through, they usually change their mind once they realise that yes, they are in fact getting cold.

Agree that things like teeth brushing are non-negotiable though!

The book - 'how to talk so kids listen' is a nice book with good ideas. I used it when my kids were similiar.

Appropriate choices sometimes works.. so are you wearing the blue top or pink top, shall we put your trousers on first or your top, do you want yo eat with a green fork or orange fork ... My 3 year old had 2 toothbrushes for a bit, so he coils chose which one ... he is then much more likely to do the thing as it feels like his decision. If he didn't chose I would chose for him and help him to do the thing. I have been known to wrestle ... it is exhausting and so flumping hard!

I give choices.
I also say things like "if you aren't brushing your teeth by the count of 10, I'm doing it for you".
If still not working I pin them to the floor, yes.

Re clothes, my dc insisted on wearing a thick jumper the other day when it was really sunny. I just let them, and packed a t-shirt in case they were too hot. Turns out that my dc is wiser than me! I went outside in a dress, and the wind was biting! I was freezing!

100% yes.

I have friends whose kids genuinely suffer for them not forcing them to do stuff. Rotten teeth, cystitis from not drinking enough. “Am I meant to stand over them and insist that they drink?” Yes, fucking yes you do!!!!!!

Yes you do use force.. Don't waste your time trying to reason with a 2 yr old. State your intentions clearly, don't frame them as choices or questions that invite the answer no.

Not, "Shall we get dressed now? ", "would you like to go to the supermarket?

Say calmly "It's time to put our coats on. That's it, good girl. In the buggy. Straps on. Supermarket here we come!"

Sticker charts have worked well for both of mine but physically forcing them is also necessary at times so don't feel bad about it

Yes, I probably look like an absolute lunatic pinning my child down to brush her teeth while she fights me while I cheerfully sing songs about cleaning her teeth 😂 it's not done in anger, it's simply that she needs to brush her teeth and that's that.

Obviously there are certain things that can't be forced (eating and drinking for example - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink works for children too!!) but yes, sometimes, you really do have to force children to do things even while they are wriggling like an eel and screaming blue murder.

Sometimes there’s just no other choice @Anonymouslyposting 🤷🏻‍♀️ 2.5 year old here too so I feel your pain 😅

I try my best to stay calm, to explain what we’re doing and why, try not to raise my voice and literally repeat it until I’m blue in the face 😅
Hes fine probably 70% of the time but the other 30% are our days of big feelings and stubbornness 😅
I usually tend to have a bit of success if DS still feels like things are his choice - eg, if he’s not wanting to brush his teeth before bed then he gets choices - “we have to brush our teeth to make sure they stay nice and healthy. You can either brush your teeth then read a book before bed or brush your teeth and go straight to bed. What would you like to do?”

Yes!

Don't try and persuade. Say it's time to get dressed. Shall I choose your outfit or would you like to.
Ok, if you don't make a decision I will have to make it for you. And then dress them. You have to be comfortable with the fall out.
I used to do everything to avoid a tantrum but that actually means a lot of pandering and bribing, threats etc and doesn't show them whose in charge. You basically just have to give them a chance/choice. Stick to your guns and then be (outwardly) in phased by the tantrum.

Gosh I remember my son at that age refusing to get into his car seat after we got petrol and went in the shops to get snacks. There was a queue behind us of people waiting for petrol. Was so stressful!

Just so you can see this from the other side OP...
God I wish I'd found a thread like this 18 months ago when DS went through a phase of absolutely refusing to brush his teeth. I stupidly thought "how bad can it be for a few weeks until this is out of his system?" and all the advice I found at the time said to "give them choices" or "respect their boundaries" and "don't make things into a battle or you could scar them for life" and other bollocks. He had a speech delay and all that "talk so kids will listen" stuff was useless as he had zero understanding. It only went on for a few weeks. He now needs teeth out and is on the waiting list for a hospital appointment facing a general anaesthetic at age 3. If DD ever goes through the same I'm forcing her to have them brushed.

I took my son to nursery in PJ's once as he refused to get dressed and wouldn't let me dress him. I had to take him an outfit in a bag. After some children laughed at him he didn't make a fuss about getting dressed again.

I give my two year old choices but if she doesn't choose one I say, "Ok, Mummy will choose for you then." At which point she tends to suddenly decide she does want a choice!

The one thing that made tooth brushing painless for us was that she loves doing herself. So if she's good and cooperates while I'm doing it, she then gets to brush them herself. Otherwise the toothbrush goes away straight after they're done. But if that didn't work I absolutely would physically force it. Kinder than rotting teeth at the end of the day.

Read some parenting books. Some children respond better to certain methods than others. Some children can just be told and made to do something. Others are less compliant and being forced into something is way too traumatic for everyone involved. "How to talk so little kids will listen" is great for ideas. There is no one size fits all and if one approach is making you feel shit, it isn't working for you.

Absolutely. Teeth being brushed, getting dressed when we've got somewhere to be, and being strapped into the car seat are all things I would have/will force.

I wouldn't force a 2.5 year old into a buggy unless I needed to be somewhere quickly, or they weren't walking sensibly/weren't walking at all/were running off etc.

I would not physically force a child to eat.

No, I didn't use force, except when it was really necessary.

I tried to use this kind of method, for the most part:

https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/discipline-managing-toddler