Do people physically force kids?

[Anonymouslyposting]

My 2.5 year old DD is going through the terrible twos. She is a lovely, clever, kind little girl but I am having to take a lot of deep breaths at the moment…

She won’t do anything she’s asked to - get up, get dressed, eat, drink, go out, do any activity we suggest, have her vitamins, brush her teeth or go to bed. She’s intermittently rejecting my DH who used to be a firm favourite and has started occasional hitting (she seems more to be trying to see our reaction that hurt us). Apparently she is good as good at nursery but is the same with her grandparents.

I understand that this is developmentally normal, she’s testing boundaries and asserting herself, particularly as we have a 4 month old who is taking my attention and I’m sure has been unsettling for her.

But what do we do? Do we really have to physically force her into her clothes/the buggy/to brush her teeth every time? I’ve tried explaining things to her, waiting until she gets bored and gives in (but I don’t always have time for this), mirroring her feelings but none of this works consistently. I’m sure she’ll go out of this phase but is it normal for everything to be a fight until then?

Yes

Yes

Yes- I wrestle my 2 yr old to brush her teeth- what’s the alternative rotten teeth?!
I wrestle her into the car seat- because the alternative is illegal dangerous driving
its hard those 2yr old years- but more times than not explaining isn’t a tool they understand

Sometimes you have to physically manoeuvre a recalcitrant child yes. It must be appropriate though - no anger or roughness. Just a ‘firm’ hand hold or lifting up to where they need to be.

At that age, I'd have tried the nicey nice approach, the waiting for boredom to set in approach, the reasoning approach, the odd bit of bribery perhaps (but not too OTT or too often so as not to spoil them) etc.

But if they were still digging their heels in then yes, i'd have forced them to do what I was telling them to do.

I warn ours, say if you don't do this I will have to make you. Then count down from 5 and then force him. 9 times out of 10, when he realises it's game over he gives up and grumpily does it.

Yeah. Validate it and reassure and whatever all you want later but it would be lax parenting not to dress/wash/brush teeth so you do it for them physically if they’re not cooperating in the moment.

I do not negotiate with terrorists 😂

I think there's ways to do it that are still making things clear and safe for the child. For example it's time to brush your teeth. No. We brush our teeth before bed to keep our teeth strong, would you like to put your Toothpaste on yourself or would you like me to do it for you. No. I can see you're having a hard time with this so I'm going to help you brush your teeth now because it's important your mouth is healthy. As long as you stay calm and gentle with your tone and explain what you're doing and why I think it's needs must at some points. Certain things I would let go but anything that compromises their health or safety would be something I'd help with.

I physically forced teeth brushing, getting in the buggy and staying in bed at bed time. Outfit choice vs not getting dressed optional, eating and drinking optional, I'd put water, dinner and bread and butter in front of them if they objected to dinner and left it up to them. Always give countdowns warning that you will be eg going out/ leaving the playground soon. Give options for an aspect but the main task they have no choice eg we're brushing your teeth now would you like the hey duggee tooth brushing song or the tooth brushing song video while we brush your teeth? Also an electric toothbrush and finding noisy farm animals to brush away helped with teeth brushing battles. Keep on with taking deep breaths they're not a toddler forever though it can feel a bit endless at times, all the kindness and patience you show them in the hard moments does make a difference.

Yes it's fine and not abnormal

Teeth brushing yes. They are too young to understand the long term implications of not doing this.

Getting dressed etc. Depends on the situation. If I need to get to work and am running late then yes forcing them might be necessary. But otherwise I'd opt for a different approach along the lines of "you can only have breakfast/ play with your toys / talk to me about dinosaurs once you are dressed etc.

And don't negotiate. They will sense your weakness. Even if you are waiting for them to get dressed for an hour!

Pick your battles.

Teeth brushing - absolutely, I will force.
Not finishing dinner, wearing welly's in the height of the summer etc - I let go.

I operated a non negotiable model of parenting, you give an inch they take a mile! I set my boundaries and didn't give in. I should add I'm a pretty relaxed parent so my boundaries were liberal, but they were red lines!

Yes, where necessary. I pick my battles but somethings - for me, tooth brushing is one, I would use force.

I am similar to @llamallama6384 and try and let most things go.

Phew - thank you all very much for making me feel much better! I was feeling awful after holding her still to brush her teeth this evening…

You chose your battles.
You give her as much independence as possible on the things you can - like letting her chose what she will wear she gets dressed herself.
You let her eat or not etc….
You have clear rules that don’t change depending in her tantrums.
And tte stuff that has to be done us getting done. And if it means carry8 g the child into the car to leave, then so be it.

Definitely for teeth, better that then having dental work whilst little. But things to try, the cocomelon toothbrush song or another song. Or saying oh look, there's a lion in your mouth let me catch it, roaaar, oh look a crocodile, snap snap snap.

Yes, you have to because two year olds are not known for their common sense or compliance. I used to have to pin mine on the floor to get his teeth brushed. It doesn't last long though, maybe six months at most.

I gave lots of warnings for leaving places because he really struggled with that, but ultimately sometimes you just have to carry them out screaming.

How do you intend to do things otherwise? .

I'm curious as to what you think the alternatives are.

Sometimes a choice between two things helps. "Do you want the dinosaur toothpaste or the bubblegum toothpaste?" Rather than, "It's time to brush your teeth."

"I wonder who can brush their teeth longest. Ben or Mum?"

"I'm going to close my eyes and guess what is going to disappear from your plate. Will it be the carrots or the peas? I think peas." Proceeds to eat carrots. I wonder which fishfinger you're going to eat next. I think this one." Kid gets to be defiant by eating the wrong one.

I’d love to do things otherwise but couldn’t think of an alternative hence the question - I didn’t want to use physical force if there was another way, if not I’ll keep on doing it!

I'm so glad to read this. I've been saying "looks like you're having trouble getting ready so I will help you" and things like that.

Yes I've got two tubes of tooth paste on the go!

No one tells you! It's a complete mystery what is "normal" to me!

Being 2 and a half, a little tap on the hand may work