Mum looks after DS 2 days per week, but doesn’t do any activities….

[HJB2021]

Hi

My mum has DS for usually 2 days per week whilst I work, he is 20 months. I’m extremely grateful for her having him, and is saving us a fortune. She is so loving and adores DS, I just feel a bit worried because he stays in her home all day, and mostly in the living room. She plays with him but they don’t even go out for a walk (he hates his pram), he has a long nap so that breaks up the day. She’s too shy to go to groups, she’s too scared to take him to the park (he is unstable on his feet and tries to run everywhere).

When I pick him up I try fit in soft play some days so he’s done something. When I’m with him I get him out as much as possible so he usually has busy days. I’m just worried as he loves being out the house, and am I being a bad mum putting him in this situation?

I feel really down about it tbh and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

thanks

^^This

My sister's little boy was at nursery four days a week, and was not happy there. Our mum offered to have him for two of the days, and she had a very similar daily routine to OP's mum, indoor play. He was so much happier on the days at our mum's. He's 14 now, and sometimes says "I hated nursery, but I really LOVED those days at Nana's."

Tbh although I don't think children need to be out doing activities every day, they need more than being shut in one room with the tv on all day.

How is the garden "not child proof"? Could you help her make it more child friendly so he can get outside and do different things now the weather is improving? Or, as others have suggested, get some sort of push along toy he will be happy to go out in?

No, it is not a problem. Undivided attention, like others have mentioned are all thats needed. Tbh, soft play is just a breeding ground for illnesses, i try to not go to these. If you go outside with him on other days, perfect!

It’s perfectly fine. 2 out of 7 days, kids need downtime too. It’s good for him to bond with family

Because it's her house and she wants to?

I didn't. I preferred music but each to their own

I think you are overthinking this and worrying needlessly OP. Your little boy is busy the other 5 days of the week. On these 2 days he’s having 1 to 1 attention by a grandmother who loves him. I’d say money couldn’t buy that and you should try to relax in the knowledge he’s being so well looked after. He doesn’t need “organised” outings every day.

If she has toys and books and activities for him then he is having one to one time with someone who loves him.

Time for someone to talk to him, listen to him, model behaviour. Life for a toddler doesn’t have to be all singing and dancing, having time to absorb language, practice new vocabulary, build on existing skills at his own pace is not wasted time, it is a valuable opportunity for him to be reinforcing and embedding learning .

It’s lovely that your son and mother get to have two full days together. If he has a box of toys and maybe books, or things to take to Granny’s to show her that’s fine.

How lovely that your son has someone who loves him caring for him. I have quite a lot of kids and my observation is that that they don't need lots of activities in their lives.

Having that attention if she is attuned and responsive will be of benefit but is there any way you could look at middle ground of limiting screens (maybe music instead?) and improving her confidence in doing some outdoor play as a start? I think the facts that she really wants him there, is warm and loving and it works for you both financially are clear. Can you ask if you can get a little water sand tray for the garden or something with more of a sensory component to explore. I think saying to your mum that this is really important to you and asking her to help could be a middle ground? You will second guess any decision but at that age being with a loving relative has many benefits.

So he’s home with you/at groups on the other 3 days?

If yes, there’s nothing to worry about.

Perhaps once he’s gets a little bit more steady/older, your mum will feel more confident but she’s giving you free childcare and no, he won’t be missing out on anything.

Your mum is playing with him and taking care of him.
Kiddos don’t have to be doing groups/playing out 7 days a week. It’s totally fine for your mum to just play at home with him.

What would be good is if rather than avoiding putting him in his pram/buggy, practice with him in it more, not less - so your mum feels better able to go for walks with him. Do you use the pram with him when you’re not working?

Can I just point out that the OP's mother managed to bring up the OP fairly satisfactorily?

I've looked after all of my DGC and whilst I followed the parents' rules on food and sleep, if they were entrusting them to my care they were not in a position to start demanding particular activities

I think its fine. She is playing with him so he is not being ignored.

Honestly, this expectation of Doing Things every single minute of every day with children does my head in. It's just not necessary. Children can get as much, and sometimes more, out of a day at home doing things with Nan, as they can being dragged outside for structured "fun." Seriously, one or two quiet days inside won't break your child. Be grateful for the help.

I bet when your mum raised you this is exactly she done. Children were never dragged from one activity to another every day. They may have gone to mums & tots once a week but that was it until they started play group. They stayed at home with their mum, they learned to play and they were allowed to rest when they need too. If this isn't good enough for you and you would prefer for them to be at baby yoga, soft play etc stay at home and take them yourself. If you can't or wont then send them to day care where they won't get 1:1. Shame on your mother for daring to keep a child in the house 2 and a half days of the week. Do you have trauma from being stuck in a loving home when you were little or did you manage to turn out ok ?

@Nanny0gg I completely agree not to demand things or approach it in a way that is critical but saying she’s really keen to increase some outdoor time now the weather is warming up or to try something a bit different if she bought some garden toys isn’t too unreasonable surely? I do think that the OP has said her mother asked partly to improve her own financial situation and that some parental preference can be considered reasonable?

The child so kept in ONE room for the whole day. They aren’t allowed anywhere else ‘because it’s not baby proofed’. Not the kitchen, garden, hallway. That is not normal. And if OPs mum has such bad anxiety she can’t leave the house for baby groups etc then I’m sure it would have had an impact on her own childhood and development.

why not have a day or two off work when she has him and find a couple of stay and plays to go to together for both days - that way you've broken the ice going and it gets your mum out of the house.

also stuff like tumble tots and sing music groups you pay for, enrole him in that type of stuff for her to take him to

Hi op, I wouldn’t worry about it.

I have a 20 month old and I try to have atleast 1 day a week at home. I feel nowadays everyone is so obsessed with trying to fit in activity after activity it’s good to teach them staying at home, having peaceful days is ok too. I do wonder what happens to kids whose parents have them doing outdoor activities every single day does- it’s a bit chaotic and I wonder how that impacts them as an adult- always being restless and needing to do something

I’m 61 with a dodgy knee, I live in fear of being asked to look after a toddler GC as I’m so scared of dropping them, them running off etc. I can understand your mum’s reluctance to wanting to go out. Reading and playing together are activities too.

My DS spends two days a week with my dad. My dad does take him to groups if they are happening on the days my dad looks after DS (the days are different each week) but some days DS and my dad just spend the day in the house. Mostly in the living room. Just like you say. Or in the garden if it’s nice. DS comes back just as exhausted as if he had been to groups. They read books, they play 1-2-1, they sing and play instruments and do all the things that I wish I could do with DS undivided and uninterrupted but I’ve always laundry to do or food to cook.

your DS will be fine and have a lovely relationship with your mum. You can do the socialisation and activities on other days.

try not to overthink it and just enjoy the bond they are making together.

I understand your concern and don't think you sound ungrateful. But I think the majority are probably right that it is fine for 2 days a week. If would be different if it was every day. But one activity you could ask your mum to do is take him to the library, if she has one nearby. It's the perfect thing to do if she is too shy for groups and isn't outdoorsy, and there aren't the same time pressure to get there on time. You could ask as a favour one time and say the books are overdue, and she might find she enjoys getting out with him.

Two types of posts on Mumsnet:

1. Why don't selfish grandparents want to do childcare to make my life easier?
2. Why don't grandparents who do childcare to make my life easier do it exactly like I want it to be done?