Mum looks after DS 2 days per week, but doesn’t do any activities….

[HJB2021]

Hi

My mum has DS for usually 2 days per week whilst I work, he is 20 months. I’m extremely grateful for her having him, and is saving us a fortune. She is so loving and adores DS, I just feel a bit worried because he stays in her home all day, and mostly in the living room. She plays with him but they don’t even go out for a walk (he hates his pram), he has a long nap so that breaks up the day. She’s too shy to go to groups, she’s too scared to take him to the park (he is unstable on his feet and tries to run everywhere).

When I pick him up I try fit in soft play some days so he’s done something. When I’m with him I get him out as much as possible so he usually has busy days. I’m just worried as he loves being out the house, and am I being a bad mum putting him in this situation?

I feel really down about it tbh and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

thanks

My mum looked after my son three days a week when he was little. I did a lot of research about child development and made that choice accordingly because before the age of three the most important thing is forming strong stable attachments to people who love them. Everything is new so they don’t need all this stuff and input. Just watching someone hanging the washing is something new. They have so much to learn from non walking and non verbal to walking and talking. My mum didn’t take my son out to any activities, previous generations used to leave them outside on their own in a pram. My son is 15 now. School have always said how incredibly emotional literate he is. He is very confident, sociable and kind with great manners. He stands out for being different for the right reasons. Although I worried at the time like you I am now eternally grateful to my mum for understanding what was important and giving him exactly what he needed at the time. My other son didn’t have the same input and has definitely faired worse as a result.

To be fair OP it’s rained every day since last September! I’m sure your mum is taking good care of your little one.

I have my 4 year old and 2 year old GS’s a few times a week. We don’t go out every day. They are happy pulling their toys out, painting, baking, having stories, washing dishes, jigsaws, playing age apt games, just chatting with us, and having our undivided attention.

I take them out to many places, park, beach, on the field to play football, down the track on their bikes etc (weather permitting) but I have never taken them to a soft play centre and never will. I hate them!

Two days a week with your mum is in itself an ‘activity’ for your child - it’s very different from being indoors all day at home. I look after my grandchild of a similar age once a week. Coming to grandma’s is an exciting part of their week. They have my undivided attention and, although I do take them out, the best days are when we are indoors. They love ‘helping’ grandma cook, singing songs, exploring all the things that are different at my house, showing me what they can do and most of all just chatting and laughing and enjoying each others company. What you think your child might be missing out on is more than compensated for in things like language development, confidence, self esteem and building relationships with someone outside of their parents. I constantly hear from my son and daughter in law how lucky their child is, as none (yes none) of their friends/peers with children have grandparents who are so involved with their children (either deceased, live too far away or not that interested). So rather than think of your child as being ‘disadvantaged’, be confident they have something special that others would swap ‘activities’ for any day of the week.

There is a real problem nowadays with people thinking they and their children need to be doing some sort of activity all the time and it’s frankly ridiculous. For thousands of years this has not been the case, wasn’t even the case when I was little in the 80’s.

Your child having undivided 1:1 time and attention with a loving grandparent will develop them so much further than your mum sat awkwardly at a baby group she’s uncomfortable at, with her grandchild who couldn’t care less where they are but is likely to pick up on your mum’s discomfort/anxiety.

Overstimulating a child with too much is not good for them either and will lead them to live in the belief that they need to be constantly on the go.

I’d just appreciate that my child was having the best quality time with their grandmother and realise that this notion of them having to be out all the time is utterly absurd.

I agree and often wonder if this is part of the rise in anxiety that we have, this constant stimulation. I bought into it for the kids when they were babies and then doing further research realised it was a marketing ploy to sell more stuff and get people to buy into nurseries to return to work. I know lots of people have positive experiences with nurseries so it is a pondering rather than a criticism.

OP please don't be hard on yourself, being a parent isn't easy! I would say though, that entertaining your child and keeping him busy every day won't necessarily be the best thing for him in the long run. Children need to learn to entertain themselves too and have some down time. Otherwise the time will come when you crave 5 minutes to yourself and you'll be badgered constantly for attention.

To all the mums that say it is not good, do you an activity every single day? We have our son in full time nursery and in the weekends we do various things with him but not always outside. So many times we spend a day at home playing, drawing, singing and dancing with him and he absolutely loves it. The kids do not need to be overstimulate it all day. As long as they are taken care of, it is fine. And do not forget, it is for kids to be bored, pushes their imagination and creativity.

Yes agree boredom is good for children. I told eldest dd this and once she knew it was ok to be bored she could deal with it!

Watching tv with dc I would chat about it, sometimes stuff like ‘what is Peppa feeling’.

Playing shop or tea parties, all useful activities.

My parents have my son once a week, he's 3.5 and he absolutely loves going there! Sometimes they go to the park or a garden centre. Other days they potter around Asda with him. But sometimes they have a day "just" playing on the floor, in the garden, playing spaceships on the bed upstairs. They love it and so does he! It's great your mum is happy to have him and hopefully it will mean he'll have a really lovely bond with her. I get the pressure Op, but it sounds like you're all doing just great 👍😃

As your DS gets a little bit older (even in the next few months), he might gain more from a nursery or preschool environment.
Socialisation and making friends, messy play, learning to take turns, to share, to sit at a table or on the floor listening to reading. Supervised outdoor play with the other children would be a big part of this too.
You are so lucky to have had this support from your mum and it sounds like she’s doing fine with him, but maybe this isn’t the way forward when he reaches the age of 2 or thereabouts.

My mum looked after my DS 2 days per week too, he is now 3.5yrs. She did very similar, they would make train sets and watch TV and just lounge around the house. They now have such a lovely relationship and it has done him absolutely no harm whatsoever. Before you know it they are in preschool/school and out of the house everyday, enjoy and try not to worry. Like you said they are getting a good balance as you take them out and about throughout the rest of the week.

My sons are now 37 and 39 and when they were your DS's age, I got on that 'activities roundabout' too ... park, toddler group, friends for coffee, swimming etc. Then I became ill for a week; couldn't get out and the outcome of this was a nightmare. The boys hadn't learned to be content in their own home as they were being rushed from one stimulus to the next.
I slowed down and spent at least 2 days at home, which allowed them to slow down too. I never looked back - it was a real eye opener! As previous posters have commented, the quality time your mum is spending with your DS far outweighs time at the park etc - please appreciate this! You have a wonderful mum!

Agree with other. 121 calm couple of days is not just acceptable it's preferable. Slow days, imaginative play and adult company are positives that are too often overlooked and will aid not detract from his future happiness.
👍

I speak as an early years professional who specialises in emotional development, and seriously, you don’t need to worry. Modern parenting puts far too much value in children’s busyness and the ‘need’ to be engaged in activities constantly. These days, children need downtime almost more urgently than anything else. They need to be able to just be, to play, to follow their noses and interests and desires, with time, and somewhere secure. Somewhere just like what you’ve described your mum providing. They need this to process information and experiences, to grow healthily. It’s essential for brain development and wellbeing. I feel so strongly about this. If you’re doing activities like soft play etc on other days, that’s great, and your dc can have a lovely balance.

This isn’t an issue. 2 days at home is a nice balance especially when he is more active on other days with you. If you are concerned, create some activities for him to do with your mum. Make exploratory boxes, games etc. Also, your mum has every right to do what she is comfortable with - she is clearly just trying to keep him safe. You & your son are very lucky to have your mum there. Don’t criticise.

I could not disagree more with this.

In order to learn to get on with others, first of all children need to have the solid foundation of forming relationships with a few close people - usually mainly family, sometimes a child minder. This little boy can do messy play, sharing, listening to reading at his grandmother's - and he will be doing it in a secure environment over which his parents have some control and with someone who loves him dearly. He is enjoying it - let us not forget that!

If his parents think he needs to get out and meet people more, then they can do this on other days - but too much activity is seriously bad for children. They are building systems of connections in their very pliable new brains; too many activities sets up chaos for them - too much to process. Gently gently is the way forward with little ones.

This child would not "gain more" from a nursery environment - he would gain something different but sacrifice something very special where he can learn and play with a loving relative and create that solid confidence that will allow him to branch out when he is older.

It is very heartening that the majority of parents posting on the this thread understand this.

The need to be busy and do things is internally driven by your need to be seen to be busy, want stimulation etc I realised this when I had a similar dilema but DS has the undivided attention of one adoring individual and is probably spoilt rotten and stimulated all day. I wouldn't worry and if DS seems happy at the end of the day just relax about it. Often we project what we want or need onto our children and they are perfectly happy just chilling at home and playing/or out running about in the woods. You probably find that he is tired from his day with Nanny and taking him somewhere afterwards is actually pushing him too far. After a day without Mummy he would probably much rather curl up at home with you for a cuddle and wind down. I would be grateful for the free childcare and enjoy my time with him after a day apart opposed to forcing an activity upon them.

I agree with Mischance, my son has great friends some of which he has had since pre school, no major fallings out or issues. He is known for being incredibly happy in our village with brilliant self esteem. I feel quite envious because my own childhood was quite chaotic and mum didn’t have the quality time with me. Although my mum did watch quite a lot of tv with him I did recognise that it gave them both a bit of down time. Having a quiet three days with her seems to have given him a great foundation with which to branch out when he was ready to at three.

Excellently put

As long as he's not being sat infront of an ipad for the whole 2 days I think it's fine. There are plenty of indoor activities that contribute to a child's learning such as colouring, counting, reading, puzzles, baking, learning names of different things.

We do not have to encourage small children to learn - it is simply what they do - and all the people and things around them are their "school." - grandmas, vegetables, laundry, spoons, brooms ........ etc.

Two days a week with somebody who loves him sounds wonderful. Playing quietly with your mum - and learning to be self sufficient - is probably one of the best things you can do for him right now. Stop worrying. You're doing the best thing you possibly can for him right now.

Why does he need to be at expensive things like soft play? Kids don't need to be constantly entertained or taken out. She could do stuff with him at home that's stimulating or educational. You are lucky to have her looking after him. It's only 2 days out of 5 and in a couple of years he'll be at school. At 3 you can get some funding for nursery sessions but I'd rather my child be with a loving grandparent than in a nursery for hours.

Personally I think 2 days in doors reading, playing and being chilled is no bad thing. He’s busy with you and has more chilled days there… once he’s more stable on his feet maybe grandma will feel more confident going for walks or swimming.

Your mom is lovely talking kiddo. Pretty rich complaining about all the love your kid is getting and the immense favour your mom is doing you.

talk to your mom. Don’t complain about the lack of outings, and find out if it’s too much for her. Maybe daycare is a fit, or maybe a half day at one and one.

try to up your outings with Ds. Then a couple days of down time won’t be concerning, maybe even a welcome relief for him.