Mum looks after DS 2 days per week, but doesn’t do any activities….

[HJB2021]

Hi

My mum has DS for usually 2 days per week whilst I work, he is 20 months. I’m extremely grateful for her having him, and is saving us a fortune. She is so loving and adores DS, I just feel a bit worried because he stays in her home all day, and mostly in the living room. She plays with him but they don’t even go out for a walk (he hates his pram), he has a long nap so that breaks up the day. She’s too shy to go to groups, she’s too scared to take him to the park (he is unstable on his feet and tries to run everywhere).

When I pick him up I try fit in soft play some days so he’s done something. When I’m with him I get him out as much as possible so he usually has busy days. I’m just worried as he loves being out the house, and am I being a bad mum putting him in this situation?

I feel really down about it tbh and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

thanks

I haven't read all the replies but it won't hurt your DS to spend a couple of day a week inside, especially if you're taking him out and about on other days.
If you're concerned that he's not being stimulated enough when he's with your mum (not sure if this is the case, or not) but could you either send him with an activity on each day or make up a box of activities and leave it at your mum's house? Play Doh, baking ingredients, colouring / sticker books, simple games (suitable for his age) basic craft sets - finger painting etc. That way, even if he's not going out anywhere there's still a variety of activities for him & your mum to do together indoors (and your mum doesn't need to think about what's suitable etc as you're providing it).

At 20 months and how you describe how you spend your days with him, those 2 days are probably good for him to have a bit of a rest.
Also at that age don't underestimate the benefit on one on one time spending talking and singing up close to help with speech development.l and social skills.

She's keeping him safe, loved, engaged, and saving you a fortune. Let it be!!

Learning to be bored and not constantly entertained is important.

If TV is constantly on is the child learning to be bored and find entertainment - or learning to just watch TV.

My MIL was terrible with pre verbal babies - seeming to think they needed little interaction and could be plonked down and forgotten - hopefully that's not the case here and there is interaction going on but Shufflebumnessie idea of sending some activities along isn't a bad one - though I suppose it does add to the mental load and seemingly already felt pressure to do more on days he's not at GM.

@HJB2021 I don't think there is a major problem here but if you are not happy with the set up you can - especially as he gets old and harder work - just say you are switching to paid childcare if that is what you feel is better.

Even given your update I think a day spent 1:1 with a loving grandparent is preferable to spending the day in nursery at that young age. I'm not saying nurseries are bad, they do have benefits, but the benefits are more for slightly older children. Your child is very much still at the age where their main needs are a consistent caregiver, lots of good sleep, and being bathed in language. These are things it's hard to get in nursery. Socialising comes later.

This is a good idea but probably not needed just yet. Painting/crafts/play doh with a 20 month old inevitably leads to the child smearing paint everywhere and chewing the paintbrush or eating play doh. Day to day stuff is fine for this age. Helping to unload the dishwasher and so on.

That one-to-one time with a grown-up totally focused on a child is really valuable - even if spent at home and particularly if he's busy on other days. Even small children need quiet time as well as busy time.

I agree with lady above make sure he has lots of activities to do some books maybe get him a slide or a few garden games ball ect maybe rotate some things from home he’s much better off 1-1 with someone who actually loves him this will benefit him long term.

Day to day stuff is fine for this age. Helping to unload the dishwasher and so on.

He only currently allowed in one room in the house the living room - that was partly why the OP was concerned it's one room all day so he's not helping with household tasks and exploring another house.

As other posters pointed out that might change as he gets older and in nursery he'd likely be in one room all day and at least with GM he does get some one to one time with an adult.

My son said this when I looked after his son, despite me walking to the park, shop, taking him on the train, etc etc. I assumed he meant I didn’t take him somewhere where it costs money, soft play etc. This was bought up in a disagreement we had where his wife didn’t want to buy Christmas presents for anyone not ‘related’ to her(meaning my sons mum(me) dad, brother and sister. Yeah, not speaking anymore. We obviously are not good enough. Don’t fall out with your mum over this as it’s only for a short time until he goes to nursery/school.

Op, I'm laughing because I had the exact same issue with my mum when my DC were toddlers. My eldest had SEN and enriching him with activities and sensory experiences was important for me, whenever I left DC with my parents to look after, I will be lucky if they took him out food shopping! But at the same time, I quickly bited my tongue and was grateful for the free childcare. Now all my DC's, particularly my eldest, have a very very close relationship with my parents.

I do think sometimes MN can have a pretty extreme stance on this. How likely is it, honestly, that someone who stays in one room all day is going to spend that time talking to a 20 month old, singing him songs and reading him books, especially if a television is on as well?

Children do need ‘down time’ but not hours upon hours of it. That isn’t down time, that’s just dull for both parties. More likely than close bonding over sensory activities and nursery rhymes is that the child is coaxed into compliance with food, screens or both. It really isn’t brilliant parenting or caring to stay in one room and call it ‘down time.’

Having one to one attention with his Gran who loves him is great and more beneficial than a constant round of activities

if he's ignoring it to play, what difference does it make?

It's a bad habit to leave it playing to itself!😀

No I agree if he's happily playing it doesn't really matter.

No, but being outside is so beneficial for children’s development and learning.

Absolutely this. If he’s getting variety for the rest of the week, I really don’t think it’s an issue. There’s SO much value in what you/she can do at home with him at that age. They don’t need outings every single day. Have you got a garden they can use instead?

Kids don’t need to have constant busy days. Treat the 2 days toddler has with gran as 2 nice chill out days. Everyone needs them even children

These type of issues are why I declined to provide childcare for my grandchild.

Absolutely this especially as she plays with him. When he gets a bit bigger and the weather gets nicer she might take him out.

I can’t see it being an issue really if your mum dotes on him as you say. They’ll probably end up having an amazing relationship as he gets older.
If it becomes a bit much for mum could you do half days in nursery to break up the day a bit.

Why are you being mean? She’s not dictating anything, she has a concern which she wanted to think through on a public forum.

I looked after my grandson for 2.5 days a week, from the age of eight months until he started nursery at 3 years old. And then I picked him up from there when he’d finished.
It was fine, we played with wooden blocks, we did role play, schools, shops, hospitals, we baked, did crafts…a cardboard box can be anything a toddler wants it to be.
Sometimes they don’t want to be constantly stimulated, we had quiet times , with him just pottering about, following me as I tidied up or did some washing, he’d play with a toy car or whatever.
Hes in year 7 now and loves to come to grandma’s house to chill out.

Honestly your baby won’t mind having chilled days at nannas at all, he’s very little and your mum is probably a bit worried about him running off.

I don’t take my own children out every single day. My youngest is home mostly apart from playgroup once a week, a walk round the shops or to drop sister off at nursery etc. He isn’t walking yet so can’t explore in the park either.

Do they need stimulation every single day?

Free child care will help you build for a more lucrative future. Use this time to build and get more time then you are using it all in the right way. We can't always have it all.

Sometimes we have to let go of doing the very maximum on every occasion. Just allow things to flow they way they are on some of the days they you can't be there.

Besides - ones your baby is a confident walker things might change so just hang in there :-)

Maybe you can go to one of the groups, make a friend that will meet your dm first then she's warm to going

If it’s for only two days a week, it won’t cause him any harm. It’ll get easier to take him out as he gets older and now the weather looks to be warming up can she take him in the garden?