Mum looks after DS 2 days per week, but doesn’t do any activities….

[HJB2021]

Hi

My mum has DS for usually 2 days per week whilst I work, he is 20 months. I’m extremely grateful for her having him, and is saving us a fortune. She is so loving and adores DS, I just feel a bit worried because he stays in her home all day, and mostly in the living room. She plays with him but they don’t even go out for a walk (he hates his pram), he has a long nap so that breaks up the day. She’s too shy to go to groups, she’s too scared to take him to the park (he is unstable on his feet and tries to run everywhere).

When I pick him up I try fit in soft play some days so he’s done something. When I’m with him I get him out as much as possible so he usually has busy days. I’m just worried as he loves being out the house, and am I being a bad mum putting him in this situation?

I feel really down about it tbh and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

thanks

Neither me or my DM ever took my DD’s to soft play ( I only went to parties). They are my idea of hell.
They got sensory play by my DM either letting them wash plastic plates in sink or bath.

This.

Your dc will be anxious about school but that doesn’t mean you won’t send him.
Id put him in nursery if you want him to do more but you can’t dictate what your do does.

Your DC is lucky to have an amazing grandparent. You're very lucky to have amazing childcare at no cost.

All the expensive activities in the world won't give your DC what they are getting from 2 days with Granny.

As DC gets older mum might feel more able to do some trips but no bother if not.

Actually I completely agree with you. This is why we stopped using in-laws for childcare- you pay for it in other ways.
OP it may be fine now as he’s a tiny toddler, but how will it look as he gets older and needs to burn off energy? Also I don’t really feel it’s in the best interest of a child to spend the vast majority of a day in the one room.

How it went for us, was far too much screen time, along with copious amounts of sugar/squash not diluted enough/snacks between meals, resulting in fussy eating and tantrums due to hunger. It didn’t work for me or my children. Second DS we started him with a childminder straight away. No regrets, except that I wish I’d done it with ds1.

Now the grandparents can’t get their head around why we won’t leave the kids there unless it is absolutely necessary.

It’s early to be having these doubts- my advice is to find another arrangement that better aligns with how you want to parent.

I think 2 days of being in is fine. As the weather warms up and he gets more steady on his feet I am sure she will be more confident about taking him out to the park.

When my dd was born ny 3 yo ds spent days on end sat in doors watching Fireman Sam whilst I wrestled with a newborn in the middle of winter. He survived.

Does she have a garden? I doubt he will suffer for a couple of quieter days a week.

I don’t blame you one bit. I won’t be offering either. I’ll be more than happy to have a grandchild ad hoc and babysitting but there’s no way I’ll be committing to so many days a week.

Don't worry, what matters is does she talk to him, play games, read stories. When he is 2 he can go to playgroup for a couple of hours each morning maybe.

You have to do what you want but I did not have family nearby so chose a childminder for exactly the reasons you state as negatives; being in a relaxed home where they could play with toys rather than a in nursery which felt more impersonal.
Our childminder did take them to playgroup and park sometimes but I wanted a chill ‘home’ type environment like they would have had with me had I not worked.

I will add I had a childminder who did not have pre schoolers herself they were at primary school so that she would not have divided loyalties.

Have you spoken to her about booking a play group or a class. The playgroups i go to are so friendly but you can chat with others as much or as little as you like. Maybe find some classes and playgroups on her days and talk or just book one. Maybe you could book him into a preschool for a couple of hours in the morning and she picks him up, say ots for social skills. I work flexible hours around child care and we are out most days, my son is 2.5 and will still do a 2 to 3 hr nap around 12pm. Monday we do a playgroup every other week, quite often meet friends on the other week, Tuesday we have a playgroup then football in the afternoon, Wednesday is messyplay, Thursday he goes to pre school 9 to half 12, started this at 2, then friday is our free day which he usually needs as tired from school. At 2 they are starting to be more aware of other kids and he will need to see other kids for his social progress. We will be doing 2 mornings at school a week come September to make the change gradual for when we get the free hours in January, and tbh he loves school too which is nice.

I think you might be underestimating the value of one to one time with someone, that someone being a loved one. Outdoor activities are important, but it’s not so vital that it needs to be everyday, as one could argue one to one time is equally just as important, if not more so.

if you’re concerned with what activities they might be doing whilst at your mums house, then provide activities that won’t be too difficult to manage for your mum but will also entertain/educate your child.

being with grandma is all the experience he needs at that given point. she’s already doing you a huge favour, so i wouldn’t push it. honestly the experiences he’ll be getting from being with another trusted adult in a different environment (assuming it’s her home), being talked to and played with is more than enough. You can do the baby groups and parks when you are off.

so I wouldn’t be worried about them staying in for 2 days if I’m honest, sounds like u do plenty around about. but agree it would be nice if ur mum felt more confident and able to take him out… for her sake more than anything! Can you make his buggy more fun? Add toys? ELC does a fab clip on steering wheel with lights and noises. Or what about a trike that straps him in and can be pushed? You could approach the subject with your mum by making it more about her… do not insinuate you are worried it’s unfair on your ds as you don’t want her to feel bad. Say you are worried it’s such a long day for her being stuck indoors with a toddler and thought it might be a nice idea to try extra buggy toys or the trike. Why dont you and your mum take him out a few times to try and build some confidence. However if she is happy to stay in and doesn’t want to go out then you shouldn’t pressure her as it isn’t doing your ds any harm at all

I honestly wouldn’t worry it is only 2 days per week. If your mum does some drawing/colouring type activities or you get some giant floor puzzles these type of things are perfect for developing fine motor skills then you do the outdoors activities you have best of both.

My mum took care of both of my sisters children in the same way and it was fine. They don’t need to be out and about all the time. They had toys and books, she played with them, let them watch a bit of tv now and again. It’s perfectly fine. In the summer they would go into the garden and “help” my dad water the garden. It was good, old fashioned wholesome time with their grandparents.

Children don't need to be kept busy 24/7. Those 2 days when your dm has him are rest and recovery days, getting ready for his mum to take him out again.

This ^^ Children do not have to be doing something every second of the day, down time is important too! He is 'out of the house', out of your house and with his grandparent who obviously loves him and will give him one on one attention and different toys to the ones at home I presume. Plus it is only 2 days, don't put so much stress on yourself 👍

one on one care from someone who loves you deeply? Fabulously good for him.

Does she chat to him? Make dough? Watch CBeebies? Paint? Play with bricks, paints, jigsaws or bubbles? Let him help wash up or cook? Read stories or sing songs?

I bet he’ll have a fabulous vocabulary, feel super secure and loved, have loads of fun and pick up loads of early learning.

don’t worry about a thing they’ll be fine.

You don't have to be constantly keeping him busy and entertained you know!

Children that are 'bored' learn how to play imaginatively, and are easier (and cheaper!) to entertain.

Your mum sounds like a gem! It wont be harming your little one to have 2 days a week at a slower pace with his grandmother. Take it from someone who doesn't have parents on either side to turn to for help, your DS will be benefitting massively from the one on one time with granny.

It's quite a modern thing for toddlers to constantly be out and about. Children in earlier times were quite happy staying home and playing. Your DS will be fine.

This sounds fine to me .I am a retired Nursery Nurse ,and I think a couple of days chilling with Grandma sounds great! If you are taking him out different days then there really is no problem .Does she have a garden? Maybe in Summer a little sandpit or swing perhaps . Really not a big problem .

Its 2 days a week - he will survive perfectly well doing nothing other than interacting with his grandmother for 2 days a week.