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Original poster

Mum looks after DS 2 days per week, but doesn’t do any activities….

308 replies

HJB2021 · 10/05/2023 13:29

My mum has DS for usually 2 days per week whilst I work, he is 20 months. I’m extremely grateful for her having him, and is saving us a fortune. She is so loving and adores DS, I just feel a bit worried because he stays in her home all day, and mostly in the living room. She plays with him but they don’t even go out for a walk (he hates his pram), he has a long nap so that breaks up the day. She’s too shy to go to groups, she’s too scared to take him to the park (he is unstable on his feet and tries to run everywhere).

When I pick him up I try fit in soft play some days so he’s done something. When I’m with him I get him out as much as possible so he usually has busy days. I’m just worried as he loves being out the house, and am I being a bad mum putting him in this situation?

I feel really down about it tbh and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

justsayingthat · 12/05/2023 15:01

As he gets a little bigger, maybe you could look into a half and half set up.

My DS2 goes to a local preschool in the morning and my mum picks him up at 12 and looks after him for the rest of the day, until I get home from work.

I don't think it's a problem being at home all day at all BTW.

Clarabell77 · 12/05/2023 17:55

I don’t think being at home and looked after all day will harm him. Kids don’t need to be constantly doing stuff, and if you have him the other 5 days you can make up for it.

Buffs · 12/05/2023 19:02

Spending time with his grandmother 2 days a week will be doing him good. Take him out on other days.

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Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 12/05/2023 19:20

I think it sounds like a lovely balance of active days and nice calm ones pottering and playing with your mum. I think it’ll help your LO get used to both sides of the equation. Kids need down time as well as being entertained. Try not to worry about it. I know it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to get it ‘right’ and as long as he’s loved and well cared for then you and your mum are both getting it right

AllyArty · 12/05/2023 19:29

its only 2 days a week so I wouldn’t worry about it from a developmental point of view. If she is too nervous to take him out then you should be able to understand that. When he is older she may find taking him out easier.

lucky u to know that he’s with someone who loves the bones of him, that he will never be neglected or unhappy, that u won’t get a phone call from a nursery telling u to pick him up ASAP as he’s not well and how good of her to give up her time for you and your son. I hope she really enjoys the time he is with her and she doesn’t find it too much.

I think you should count your blessings.

RoastedTurnip · 12/05/2023 19:35

I'd absolutely love for mine to have 2 days mooching around at home with my mum! They're full time in nursery and it's a) expensive and b) really bloody tiring for them

Ilovecleaning · 12/05/2023 19:35

Chowtime · 10/05/2023 13:32

Hmmmm, if this is genuine then how about you pay for childcare instead and then you can dictate exactly what you want them to do.

Because it costs a bloody fortune.

mandlerparr · 12/05/2023 19:40

You and mom are doing fine. I don't know where you got the idea that children need constant activities, but they don't. So, stop listening to toxic mommy blogs and groups and listen more to people who say things that make sense. If someone is saying you absolutely must do or no do something and it is not the child's doctor, then ignore them. There is no such thing as absolutely when it comes to child-rearing except for a few safety related issues. Otherwise, a middle goal is almost always the correct goal. Aim for a few days outside, not everyday. And children need time to look around and discover for themselves, even at a young age. If you fill every moment for them, when will they use their imagination?

Ilovecleaning · 12/05/2023 19:42

IndiaPaleAle · 10/05/2023 14:33

You could always just remove him from his grandmothers care 2x a week and pay for child care? Not that you will because you've already admitted 'she saves us a fortune'

Nasty comment.

Ilovecleaning · 12/05/2023 19:49

HJB2021 · 10/05/2023 13:29

I feel really down about it tbh and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

thanks

Don’t worry, OP. I agree with all the supportive reassurances on here that your DS will be fine for 5 days out of 7 and he really doesn’t need activities every day. Ignore the sarcastic comments from nasty little tw*ts about taking advantage of your mum or why don’t you pay for childcare.

Mischance · 12/05/2023 19:50

This child is 20 months old - he does not need to do "something" (i.e. an activity) every day - he has not been doing nothing. The world (and your mother's home) is his playground - it is where he gets his stimulation - it is where he learns - it is where his imagination is left to have free rein rather than being channelled into an activity.

I remember once looking after one of my GC at a similar age for the day while we were on a family holiday, so they were all able to go out have some free time. When she came back she was utterly mind-boggled that I had looked after her child and cooked a meal for 9. Her child was happy fetching potatoes for me, swishing them around in the water in the sink (lots of lovely mess!), squishing the pastry, measuring rice in a jug, helping sweep up afterwards ........ etc.

One of my GS's favourite games with me was to roll toilet roll middles off the sofa arm and watch them plop on the carpet. Hours of fun!

Your GC will be around your Mum all day and that is "activity" enough. He has one adult focussed entirely on him for a whole day - what more does he need?

It is possible that the succession of activities that are thrust at children might be part of the reason why their attention spans are so short - they never get the chance to just settle to whatever feels right for them.

You need to give your child a break to be himself and potter and dream - and you need to give your poor mum a break!!

Poilin · 12/05/2023 19:55

it think it’s a good balance children don’t have to be out 7 days a week 2 days with a loving calming grandmother is perfect ,don’t beat your self up your little boy loves being with grandma let him guide you if he’s unhappy you will see a change in him .

BaconChops · 12/05/2023 19:55

I was a full time single mum for a few years. Paid for childcare that was so expensive and the minder didn’t do much at all other than taking them to do her shopping and watch tv while she cleaned. When I questioned why she didn’t take them out etc she said if you’re unhappy find someone else. A relative having your child for free and being interactive in the home should be appreciated imo.

BaggyJumpersandLeggings · 12/05/2023 19:56

No not at all, my DM has my DS 26mo 5 days a week, she takes him to playgroup 3 days a week bless her cotton socks, but the other 2 days she stays at home with him (and fair bloody play to her)
I do know that she does colouring, painting and other sensory activities with him though. Maybe your mum does the same. 2 days in a week won't hurt them at all and if she's doing things with him indoors it's fine.
I'm sure once the weather picks up properly she'll be out the back garden with him anyway I wouldn't worry op

Kelljo83 · 12/05/2023 20:00

Think about it this way.. he's 20 months he doesn't care whether he goes out or stays in. He's getting attention and his nan is playing with him.

He will never ever grow up and say "oh those 2 days inside a week really were rubbish" it just won't happen!
Get a grip and get over the mum guilt. You really don't need to be feeling bad. 🙂

Mischance · 12/05/2023 20:04

I just always have this pressure to be keeping him busy - time to shed this pressure and chill a bit I think!

Lazyj · 12/05/2023 20:04

I don't see an issue, I have exactly the same setup with my mum and MIL each watching our DD one day a week. They stay in all day, as neither are confident taking her out.But they interact and play together and she has a lovely time. She also goes to nursery so it's a nice balance.

Lovely13 · 12/05/2023 20:06

I’m probably older than most on here. When we were pe-school children, staying at home with mum/gran/relative was the norm. There were no playgroups or activities. Listen With Mother on the radio was exciting! Then Watch With Mother on telly, must have blown our minds! Your child will be fine and probably more able to entertain themselves than others. Your Mum sounds lovely.

MagpieCastle · 12/05/2023 20:07

The 1-to-1 attention and affection from your DM, building bonds of love and security, will outweigh any number of organised activities. The fact that your DC gets out and about with you for the rest of the time suggests a lovely, balanced child care arrangement. As a parent, it’s natural to worry but if I could go back and tell my younger child-rearing self anything it would be to focus on the positives in terms of nurture and don’t sweat the small stuff. At this age a child may not recall specific memories but the sense of being loved and worthy of attention will last a life time.

Zoejj77 · 12/05/2023 20:08

You should think yourself very lucky most of us don’t have a village. 2 days a week is a big commitment on her part. Shes not the parent why should she go to play groups I’d be grateful to have saved hundreds a year and have a loving grandparent being there for you as a family

QueefQueen80s · 12/05/2023 20:20

Keeping him busy constantly is setting him up for never being okay on his own and always needing entertaining.
My two spent most of their time in the house and garden playing and they are happy boys who never get bored as they entertain themselves. To hear you worrying about 2 days off it is madness.

QueefQueen80s · 12/05/2023 20:20

of*

AnnieSnap · 12/05/2023 21:07

HJB2021 · 10/05/2023 13:34

Well I don’t want to hurt my mums feelings. I prefer her to be with him, so I know he’s safe and loved. Is it unfair to keep him indoors 2 days per week? I’m considering have a chat about nursery, but then I think he will be very anxious at nursery. I don’t want any negativity please, I’m honestly just trying to do my best

This isn’t a problem. Your mum is not up to taking him out and about (doesn’t matter the reason). She is though giving him safe care with a loving Grandmother. It’s up to you to provide the rest. He isn’t her child. She is not responsible for doing the full range of childcare again! She did that with you, and maybe your siblings. Be thankful for what she does!

GirlOfTudor · 12/05/2023 21:12

I wish I could get 2 days of free childcare for my toddler! You should be grateful that your mum is willing to offer you this.
A toddler doesn't need to be entertained with activities 24/7. It's good to promote independent play, to promote creativity by not having a set activity and encouraging the use of 'unconventional' toys, like household objects. Also, having one on one time with grandma is precious too. That won't be forever.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 12/05/2023 21:29

Lavenderheys · 10/05/2023 13:34

This is the kind of issue you have when you rely on parents for childcare instead of paying a professional set up. I would put my child in nursery and let my mum enjoy her retirement.

Maybe having her grandson 2 days a week is the best thing about retirement - it certainly was for my mum who had all 4 of mine part time. She loved every minute.
mop your son will have great opportunities for developing language skills and a beautiful bond with your mum. Don’t forget that lots of nurseries are in 1 room and nursery children don’t interact that much with each other. Your son has a lovely balance, make sure there’s a good supply of books, art equipment, playdoh etc and let him enjoy this special time with grandma.

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