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Original poster

Mum looks after DS 2 days per week, but doesn’t do any activities….

308 replies

HJB2021 · 10/05/2023 13:29

Hi

My mum has DS for usually 2 days per week whilst I work, he is 20 months. I’m extremely grateful for her having him, and is saving us a fortune. She is so loving and adores DS, I just feel a bit worried because he stays in her home all day, and mostly in the living room. She plays with him but they don’t even go out for a walk (he hates his pram), he has a long nap so that breaks up the day. She’s too shy to go to groups, she’s too scared to take him to the park (he is unstable on his feet and tries to run everywhere).

When I pick him up I try fit in soft play some days so he’s done something. When I’m with him I get him out as much as possible so he usually has busy days. I’m just worried as he loves being out the house, and am I being a bad mum putting him in this situation?

I feel really down about it tbh and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

thanks

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Pahpahpotato · 10/05/2023 14:33

Ah it’s fine.
My MIL has my son one day a week so I can put in some solid hours in the office rather than snatching time here and there. Generally I try to be outside as much of the day as I can, come rain or shine, but MIL is basically the same as your mum, she takes him for a walk (on reins, which I don’t love but she worries else) around the farmyard if the weather is nice, warm and sunny but overcast or worse, they stay inside. She certainly wouldn’t take him off the farm. They draw and play tractors and build towers and dance to music and watch Bluey and have an altogether lovely time as far as I can tell. Since the sun has appeared a bit more, she’s doing some time in the garden now too.
I love that he has that time with his grandmother, just the two of them, and I am massively grateful for the uninterrupted time I can put to bloody paperwork… and housework if I finish before I was expecting to!

Fifi00 · 10/05/2023 14:34

You need to pay for childcare, you either let go of control and as long dc is safe it's fine or pay professionals so you can dictate what they do.

saxendaqs · 10/05/2023 14:35

He's building up a loving, secure secondary attachment. He'll be fine. Do stuff with him the other 5 days of the week.

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EarlGreywithLemon · 10/05/2023 14:36

Oh dear, I’ve never done toddler groups, soft play or organised activities with either of my children.That said I do take them for walks, to the park and playground and out in the garden, and they are/will be at nursery some of the week. My favourite part of being a child was playing in the garden and going to the park, so maybe I’m biased.

Fifi00 · 10/05/2023 14:38

I was a sahm for 3 years we probably went to baby groups once a week. The rest of the time we pottered about going into town etc , walks or chilling in the house. A child doesn't need organised entertainment every waking hour that's not the reality of life. 10 years later my dd is fine has lots of friends but can entertain herself if need be.

LBFseBrom · 10/05/2023 14:39

HJB2021 · 10/05/2023 13:34

Well I don’t want to hurt my mums feelings. I prefer her to be with him, so I know he’s safe and loved. Is it unfair to keep him indoors 2 days per week? I’m considering have a chat about nursery, but then I think he will be very anxious at nursery. I don’t want any negativity please, I’m honestly just trying to do my best

I think the situation is fine. Your son will come to no harm and it kills nobody to stay at home for a couple of days. You have five other days.

As he gets older things will just naturally change.

My mum looked after mine two days a week from babyhood and didn't take him to activities (though she did take him out, he didn't hate pram or pushchair), and they both enjoyed their time together.

Please don't worry. You and your mum are doing the very best you can for all concerned at this stage.

Babyimyours · 10/05/2023 14:41

There’s an idea in modern parenting that babies need constant activities, play, and stimulation for their development. It’s way overkill imo and puts too much pressure on mothers especially. Two days of special time with your mum actually sounds really nice for them both! And he will be learning to play independently and calmly which will be good for him. Janet Lansbury good on this. I wouldn’t worry at all. Your mum sounds great!

LakeTiticaca · 10/05/2023 14:43

I think your being very unreasonable OP. There is so much that is good about this, as in your child is forming a loving bond with his grandmother, it's not necessary for small children to be constantly stimulated, sometimes a bit of down time is fine. Snuggling with Granny watching cartoons etc.
I have my granddaughter once a week. If the weather is nice we go to the park . Sometimes we go to soft play. Sometimes we stay home, watch peppa pig and read stories.
I have a very strong bond with her and that is what it is important in the long run

namechange3394 · 10/05/2023 14:44

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2023 13:38

No it isn't unfair to keep him indoors for 2 days a week - I'd say it's unfair to raise him with an expectation of fun, out of the house activities every day and unable to cope with chill time at home. If you're usually really intense about doing lots of activities then I think this will be doing him the world of good.

Yeah, this.

Kids really don't need to go to organised activities and soft play every day - it's healthy to balance that with more low key stuff too and not overschedule them. It sounds like you have a great balance.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 10/05/2023 14:45

Sounds fine. It may be that within a few months she ends up taking him out more anyway as the weather improves and he gets bigger.

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 10/05/2023 14:46

What are you expecting her to do? If he went to nursery, guess what? He'd be in 1 room all day and not taken out to the park or to soft play etc etc everyday. He's 20 months old, he doesn't need to be doing something constantly, he is allowed days at home playing. My parents look after my just turned 2 year old, they can take him out if they like, equally they can stay in, I'd rather he had their undivided attention than placed in a nursery, but I also accept my parents can decide what they want to do day to day, I trust them though so I'm happy with this. He's also my third child so I'm very much relaxed about these things now, I sort of understand you being overly precious if you imagined your pfb doing lots of things but it hasn't panned out as you imagined.

Heatherbell1978 · 10/05/2023 14:46

Although I appreciate what you're saying, I learned when my DC were tiny that if I want to use my mum for childcare then it's her way or nothing. Don't get me wrong, she's great with them, they're now 6 and 8 and she's been helping out (including overnight stays) since they were 6 months.
But you need to accept that your mum will do what she feels is within her comfort zone and that has to be ok with you or you need to find an alternative.

elevenplusdilemma · 10/05/2023 14:48

Babies and toddlers don't need 'classes' and activities everyday. To be loved in a home environment by his DGM is all he needs. Assuming she reads, plays and cuddles with him rather than plops him in front of the telly all day, it sounds fine to me. If he has a big nap, that's great as it sounds like he needs the sleep and it'll give your mum a decent break too.

It's ok for her to feel a bit nervous about taking him out if she's worried she can't keep him safe. Just check that she's ok with the caring arrangements as a whole - is she a bit overwhelmed and feels she's bitten off more than she can chew?

gavisconismyfriend · 10/05/2023 14:49

If she’s chatting away to him, playing games and reading stories then he’ll be spending 2 days a week in a hugely language-enriching environment. This will be brilliant for his linguistic and cognitive development. Then soft play, the park etc with you and he’ll get physical and social opportunities. Sounds ideal! Try not to worry.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/05/2023 14:50

This is exactly what my mom did with me 5 days a week. I think it’s a very modern phenomenon to think that toddlers must be taken out, stimulated and full-on 24/7. Playing at home with loving attention and care is absolutely fine. More than fine in fact.

WaltzingWaters · 10/05/2023 14:50

It’s absolutely fine, it’s only two days a week, not every day. I often have days where we don’t leave the house. As long as it’s balanced with days you do take him out and about I wouldn’t think twice about it.
Of course, if you’re really worried about it pay for childcare. But for two days I wouldn’t worry, at least your child has one to one care.

MegaManic · 10/05/2023 14:50

A 20 month old really doesn't need to do something every day. Your mum plays with him, entertains him and loves him. I think you would be mad to move to paid childcare because she doesn't want to go to the park or a baby/toddler group (which honestly I think are more for parents!). Does she have a garden that she can play with him in for a bit of the day during the summer?

organisedbrood · 10/05/2023 14:51

Her love and undivided attention beats a nursery any day of the week! 2 slower paced days are nothing to worry about and he will enjoy his time with her.

powershowerforanhour · 10/05/2023 14:51

I think 2 days out of 7 that are quiet, slow, one on one days, are fine.

starfishmummy · 10/05/2023 14:54

Ar that age gell be fine pottering about with her attention and doing things to help-flapping a duster round, emptying a cupboard etc.

My mil was the opposite. She only had ds rou d for odd days here and there and would pack more things into a day than I would in a week - the result was one hyped up over tired child!!

MaggyNoodles · 10/05/2023 14:57

She loves him and plays with him, he's getting out the rest of the week, so it's fine.

mindutopia · 10/05/2023 14:59

He'll be absolutely fine. He'd also be absolutely fine in paid childcare. Just do whatever works for you.

I was with my grandparents 9+ hours a day 5 days a week from 3 months until I started school. I don't really recall them doing much with me - sometimes we'd go to a park or out for lunch, but I mostly watched tv or played in the garden. They also chain smoked constantly. Other than becoming asthmatic, I was absolutely fine. 2 days a week with attention from a grandparent sounds absolutely fine as well. And if she doesn't chain smoke, a bonus.

BungleandGeorge · 10/05/2023 15:00

I think it’s fine but you can always take him for a walk after you pick him up
if you like. You didn’t answer whether she has a garden but most kids in nurseries would only get a small outside area to play in for limited periods. At that age they spend a lot of the day inside

1037370E · 10/05/2023 15:03

2 days inside with his gran are fine. Even SAHP do this - not every parent does something specific like soft play, park etc every day, even if SM makes it look like they do!