Mum looks after DS 2 days per week, but doesn’t do any activities….

[HJB2021]

Hi

My mum has DS for usually 2 days per week whilst I work, he is 20 months. I’m extremely grateful for her having him, and is saving us a fortune. She is so loving and adores DS, I just feel a bit worried because he stays in her home all day, and mostly in the living room. She plays with him but they don’t even go out for a walk (he hates his pram), he has a long nap so that breaks up the day. She’s too shy to go to groups, she’s too scared to take him to the park (he is unstable on his feet and tries to run everywhere).

When I pick him up I try fit in soft play some days so he’s done something. When I’m with him I get him out as much as possible so he usually has busy days. I’m just worried as he loves being out the house, and am I being a bad mum putting him in this situation?

I feel really down about it tbh and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

thanks

Ha ha! My mother told me when I was 13 "she didn't want to be a grandmother" and as far as she's concerned, she isn't! Only showed any interest in DS when he started doing a sport she enjoys but has never once offered to look after him even for a couple of hours. Either pay for childcare, or feel grateful he has a grandparent who gives a shit about him!

Pay for childcare or stop complaining?

I've looked after dgs since he was nine months old. He goes to pre school now but I have him in the holidays. I've done the same sort of stuff with dgs as I did with his dm. We have played with his toys, we've baked, done crafts, we've played in the garden with a bowl of water and some plastic utensils or a paintbrush to draw on the patio, he's helped sort washing, paired socks, washed up, swept the floors, prepared food, played lots of board games, walked around the local area identifying flowers (he knows lots of flowers and birds and insects), we've walked to the local shop with a shopping list and he's filled the basket and we go to the park.
Nothing terribly exciting but he has my undivided attention and he has thrived. He's such a smart boy. My dd wouldn't expect me to take him to groups or activities as she thinks spending time with his Gangan is enough.
I think there is a lot of benefit to be had for a toddler getting one to one attention from an adult who loves him so don't feel at all bad for the simple entertainment I provide.

Could you buy some things maybe paints and paper ,waterproof mat and an apron for ds play dough and accessories, some garden bits a little watering can etc, an easel and chalks etc. puzzles.

Send them to your mums and he can then do son nice activities there with her

Why do you think kids need to leave the house every single day?

I think days with activities out are actually best balanced with days in. Days at home don’t have to be boring. They can be filled with interesting activities, but it is also ok to just have a quiet day where a child has to use their imagination a bit and figure out a way to entertain themselves.

that said, if you have a different philosophy, you are going to have to pay to achieve your goal. It isn’t reasonable to ask your mother to change the way she cares for your child.

I completely agree. It's not a positive thing to need entertaining all the time, it causes a lot of problems when the children are no longer toddlers.

Please don’t feel pressure to keep your son busy, they can be captivated by the least interesting things. My twins once spent a whole hour taking bottles of squash etc out of a cupboard and putting them back. As long as they have someone to chat to or play with occasionally let them lead the way for a bit. You are making a rod for your own back by stimulating him all the time! That being said this is the age when mine started nursery (one morning together and one each separately) and I think it is really valuable. Perhaps he could go to nursery morning only on the day your mum has him and your DM pick him up at lunchtime?

Also, a 20 month old will run around and fall over at the park. That’s what they’re designed to do. Being able to do so is vital to their development. Why is your mum “afraid” of this?

You cannot expect someone providing you with free childcare to take your child to baby groups.

I'd be bothered about the not going out too though. If there's a garden I think it would be reasonable to suggest they spend some time in it.

Time outside is really important for all sorts of developmental reasons and particularly for eyesight. I don't know why you would choose to take him to softplay when you pick him up rather than out in fresh air as you've said you think it's important.

Pay for childcare then. HTH

What did she do with you when you were that age? I imagine if you were a toddler in the 80s or 90s, for example, it would have been the park, ducks, library, supermarket, and visiting neighbours?
I am older than you probably are and there were no "baby groups" though I went to a preschool nursery when I was about 3 in someone's massive house. But we went out and saw people - just not at organised groups. At home we did pretend play, finger painting, "helping" to cook etc.
A variety of experiences are good for a child of this age but they don't have to be child-focused.

You want your 1 year old baby, busy 7 days per week?

Where's the poor kids downtime if he's not with granny?

This idea that kids need to be constantly busy and entertained from the second they wake up, to the second they close their eyes, is bloody bizarre - not sure where it has come from.

Sounds like he perfect balance to me. Kids shouldn't be entertained every second of the day. They need downtime and to learn how to entertain themselves.

Well exactly in the house or soft play still inside take him for a toddle about the park or wherever .

I don’t understand the need to get the children out of the house everyday. In fact I look at some of the children in my extended family who are out of the house everyday and some of them look very tired.

I think it sounds like a lovely set up! Getting to potter around with his lovely gran to balance out super busy days. Children do not need to have endless stimulation; this close, nurturing and loving relationship will be promoting his development fantastically and he will be forming a wonderful attachment relationship with her. Look up work on Attachment Theory and you'll see just how beneficial this kind of one-to-one attention from someone who loves him is.

Absolutely fine, in fact better than fine. A lot of children are over entertained these days, it’s good for them to learn how to just be at peace at home.

Maybe she's not as confident mobility wise as she used to be?
Maybe she's worried he will really hurt himself?
Maybe she's worried about ops reaction if he gets injured?
Maybe she just doesn't want to and is using being worried as an excuse?

My mum looked after my DC a couple of days a week. She wasn't very mobile and had anxiety so never went out. She just liked being in her little world with her GC who she loved very much and they her. She also fed them absolute shite 😂.

Never once occurred to me to care let alone mention anything because not only was I getting free childcare but it was from someone who I know loved them just as much as me.

Wow! She's giving you free childcare, she isn't a childminder.

I look after my step grandson 1 day a week and I don't take him to toddler groups because quite frankly I'm over that shit! My youngest is only 10 and I'm done with groups and chatting to people that I don't have anything in common with. We play in the house, we cuddle and laugh and he has a long nap. When he's a bit older and walking we will probably go to the park in a sunny day but certainly not every week, as far as I'm concerned I'm doing my step son and his girlfriend a massive favour and wouldn't want them dictating how I spend my day.

I would think even 20 minutes of fresh air on her days after pick up would be great close to where you live.

Google some age appropriate toys and make up 4 shopping bags with a few toys in each bag.
One before nap, then put away, one after his nap.
The same the second day, perhaps with a book or two in each to be read.
This will help your mum and keep things fresh.
Charity shops are great for good inexpensive toys and books.

Your mum sounds wonderful.
Oh and at his age my boys adored a small dolly buggy to push about with teddies in it....hours of pleasure.

Do you really think that staying indoors a couple of days a week is going to damage their eyesight?

So he's done something??? Kids don't need to be at groups, soft play or activities every day. What do you think happened before these things were invented. One or two toddler groups per week is more than enough

I agree with this. He doesn't need to do something every day, pottering around at home is fine.

You say they don't go out for a walk and he hates his pram. Is that the reason they don't go for a walk? If your mum wants to go out but he won't go in the pram perhaps you could try him with reins for walking. But still, staying home is fine.

You could always just remove him from his grandmothers care 2x a week and pay for child care? Not that you will because you've already admitted 'she saves us a fortune'