Mum looks after DS 2 days per week, but doesn’t do any activities….

[HJB2021]

Hi

My mum has DS for usually 2 days per week whilst I work, he is 20 months. I’m extremely grateful for her having him, and is saving us a fortune. She is so loving and adores DS, I just feel a bit worried because he stays in her home all day, and mostly in the living room. She plays with him but they don’t even go out for a walk (he hates his pram), he has a long nap so that breaks up the day. She’s too shy to go to groups, she’s too scared to take him to the park (he is unstable on his feet and tries to run everywhere).

When I pick him up I try fit in soft play some days so he’s done something. When I’m with him I get him out as much as possible so he usually has busy days. I’m just worried as he loves being out the house, and am I being a bad mum putting him in this situation?

I feel really down about it tbh and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

thanks

You're overthinking it. Your little boy will be enjoying his time with his gran and when the weather improves they will hopefully spend time together in the garden. Just enjoy the money it is saving you and be grateful to your mum as not all mums are so keen to spend 2 days looking after their grandchildren.

I look after two dgs for two days a week. One goes to preschool so I drop off and pick up. The other is 18 months. We go out for a walk most days. Now he likes to wander himself so we toddle up the street and back. I'll sometimes take him to the swings for a while. If he has his puddle suit then he splashes in the garden. Mostly we stay in and he plays with loads of toys. I don't feel the need to do outside activities.

@HJB2021 - when ds1 was young, I had post natal depression, which made it very difficult for me to find the motivation or energy to go out to many groups, so we spent a lot of time at home - probably more than your ds is spending at home with your mum - and I can honestly tell you that it has done him no harm whatsoever.

He did well at school, made good friends, got a law degree, and is now married to a lovely woman, and they have a baby of their own.

As a previous poster said, he is getting one to one attention from his grandmother, and you are making sure he gets opportunities to socialise outside those days with your mum, so it sounds as if he is getting a good balance, between you and your mum.

Please don’t worry - you and your mum are doing your best, and I am sure your son will flourish.

Kids at that age can dash away suddenly, fall over and get hurt, and are definitely a handle as you always have to be on guard. I think it is better she keep him contained in the house. He has a loving grandparent with him. She can open a window for fresh air if you are concerned about air quality. Otherwise he is fine.

Its not as though she has him propped up in a corner with a pop and fags. Give the woman a break. You are very lucky to have free childminding from someone that loves him.

It is so ok. He benefits from the live and bonding. I would buy some books for her to read and eventually some art supplies or such. Don’t overthink this lovely situation.

I agree that he doesn't have to be constantly doing stuff.

When mine were young I took them to playgroups, the park, for walks & to see friends mostly for me.

I do find it odd that she doesn't take him out at all, but maybe she will when he's steadier on his feet?

Sounds as if his gran is doing her best to give her grandson a loving and caring two days a week. Why not supply her with toys/activites that you think will help the situation? We used to care for our grandchildren on a regular basis in their younger years. During that time we bought things to occupy them that only we had for example a castle and soldiers etc which they loved, painting, games garden toys etc. Remember being amused when one of them said "I like your house 'cos its got lots of stuff". Then when i told one of them that I had left their castle game so they could continue with it there was a short silence before he said "I love you nan" This is just to say that usually a developing relationship with a loving grandparent is worth more than extra soft play days. We don't regret a single day of caring for our grandchildren and the close relationship we have now they are adults is the payback.

@Rshard same here. My son went to my in-laws for a while before starting pre school, probably about 8 months. They never used to do a lot with him out and about but they always played with him and did lots of learning through play. He's now 11 but still loves to go to 'nanny's house'. He generally comes out weighing about 1 stone heavier though 🤣.

Well look at it from different perspective. Its only 2 days. Its not like she put tv on for the day and do nothing. As u said they play and he is loved and well taken care of. Just plan lot of activities on other days. This “lazy” days are very much needed to.

If it's free childcare, then you have to accept it. If it really bothers you, you have to pay for professional childcare.

Babies and toddlers don't need constant outings and entertainment. They don't need to be outdoors every day.

How do you think toddlers manage in places where the weather gets blistering hot in summer and freeze-a-brass-monkey cold in winter? They play indoors, and they turn out fine.

Your mum is providing a loving and safe environment for him, and that is all he needs.

If you were my daughter, I'd be telling you to find paid childcare.
So ungrateful.

Why are some people on mumsnet so nasty. I do pay her yes not as much as nursery fees. I always wanted to send him to nursery, but she kept insisting because then I could pay her, as she was struggling and it would help me paying less. I felt kind of forced into the arrangement to be honest. I love he’s cared for and loved, that really puts me at ease. But he does have a lot of screen time at her house, she plays too, but the TV is on all day. She won’t move things out of the kitchen/hall way to make it baby proof so he’s confined to the living room. She won’t take him in the garden because it’s not baby proof. I don’t expect her to take him out every time but even just to have more of a round of the house or less screen time.

@HJB2021 - honestly I don’t think you need to worry. As I said earlier, my eldest had much more time at home with just me due to my mental health, and it has done him no harm at all.

It is all about balance, and I’m sure your son has a balance between activities with you, and down time with your mum.

It’s difficult when your precious baby is being looked after by someone who has a different approach to yours, but I think you have to turn a bit of a blind eye to this - the main thing is that he’s with someone who adores him and he’s being well looked after (albeit in a different way). The alternative is a nursery or childminder obviously, but it does seem like you’d all lose out if you moved him.

To echo this, I spent a lot of time being cared for by my Nan as a child and we didn’t spend much time going out to places but I have so many treasured memories of her just spending time with me.
Doing things like picnics in her garden, playing dominoes, walking the dolls around the garden in an old pushchair, having afternoon tea.
As I got older she would save scraps of material and spend hours making scrunchies with us.
Such simple things but those that my parents wouldn’t have had time to do (or interest in doing!)
I absolutely adored my Nan and I’m sure it was because of all this lovely quiet bonding time while I was young.

If you don't like what yiur mom is doing the solution is to pay for child care where you have sime say over activities

If the garden isn't child proof could you do that for her. Then they could both enjoy time in the garden. Water play, sand etc @HJB2021

I can't see what the problem is. 2 days spent cuddling with grandma, playing a bit, etc is fine. In the summer he can play in the garden.

I had a little one through lockdown a similar age and didn't go anywhere with her. Honestly she's fine and very sociable now, she loved having all our attention. I spent a lot of time in the garden with her and went out to playgrounds when aloud. I did also find it much easier to stay around the house at that age personally. It was toddler proofed and safe. I wouldn't worry and just be thankful for the free 121 childcare.

My parents are the same. But their mindset is the same about everything. Not just the grandkids. The kids (toddlers) love loafing about in their House. They actually like that at home, too.

My 2 year old loves loafing around too! He much prefers being at home than running around at soft play etc.