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Original poster

What is the best way of protecting my adopted daughters from their biological mother?

203 replies

MotherofFiveKids · 09/05/2023 13:45

I am a 49-year old woman who is remarried with 5 children (2 biological from previous marriage and 3 daughters adopted from current husband's previous marriage.)

I was married in my previous marriage for 8 years and was divorced for 2 years before getting remarried to my former best friend's ex-husband.

That woman and myself were best friends from college and we were roommates. She has had tons of issues with drug usage and also had gotten arrested for child endangerment after my husband and myself had tied the knot.

She eventually went to prion for drug possession and just got released last year.

After my divorce was in process, her issues destroyed her marriage. After she went to prison, my husband and me got married. We have been married for 7 years now. We hired a great Attorney and I was able to formally adopt my 3 daughters five years ago. The girls are happy with the adoption and it was a smooth process.

I ended my relationship with her once I got with her ex-husband.

My three adopted daughters are 16, 14, and 12.

Both my husband and myself have heard that his ex-wife (My former best friend) is trying to reach out to the girls.

As a mom, I am fearful about this. Who knows what kind of stunt that she is trying to pull.

What should I do about this? My husband and me do not want that woman contacting our daughters. She has serious issues.

OP posts:
Movinghousehelp · 09/05/2023 13:47

Are you in the UK?

cocksstrideintheevening · 09/05/2023 13:48

I don't even know where to start with this

Original poster
MotherofFiveKids · 09/05/2023 13:48

US

OP posts:

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hamstersarse · 09/05/2023 13:48

I think the girls are old enough to make their own decision on whether to see their mother or not.

Im not accusing you of doing this, but sometimes people go with their own feelings first. You clearly have a lot of beef with her, that’s fine, your prerogative, but the girls are separate to you and should be allowed to make their own decisions on this very important and personal matter

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 09/05/2023 13:50

You need some sort of court order. I'm not familiar with US law but that's the solution. Take it to court and let the judge see her for what she is.

TeaKitten · 09/05/2023 13:51

Did she not have to give consent for you to adopt them? The girls are at an age that they can decide for themselves, what do they want?

Movinghousehelp · 09/05/2023 13:53

I’m not familiar enough to know what’s going on but there’s some missing info/context here. What was the agreement about contact when you adopted them? I’d have thought that was determined at that point? In the adoption agreement?

Original poster
MotherofFiveKids · 09/05/2023 13:55

She were able to have her parental rights taken.

This is about seeing.

OP posts:
Original poster
MotherofFiveKids · 09/05/2023 13:56

MotherofFiveKids · 09/05/2023 13:55

She were able to have her parental rights taken.

This is about seeing.

We*

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 09/05/2023 13:56

So what do the girls want?

AmberGer · 09/05/2023 13:56

She's still their mother regardless of adoption. She still has a right to a relationship with them.

booboo82 · 09/05/2023 13:57

Wow lol

Beaverbridge · 09/05/2023 13:58

Shes still the girls biological mother. Maybe they want to see her?.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 09/05/2023 14:01

MotherofFiveKids · 09/05/2023 13:45

I am a 49-year old woman who is remarried with 5 children (2 biological from previous marriage and 3 daughters adopted from current husband's previous marriage.)

I was married in my previous marriage for 8 years and was divorced for 2 years before getting remarried to my former best friend's ex-husband.

That woman and myself were best friends from college and we were roommates. She has had tons of issues with drug usage and also had gotten arrested for child endangerment after my husband and myself had tied the knot.

She eventually went to prion for drug possession and just got released last year.

After my divorce was in process, her issues destroyed her marriage. After she went to prison, my husband and me got married. We have been married for 7 years now. We hired a great Attorney and I was able to formally adopt my 3 daughters five years ago. The girls are happy with the adoption and it was a smooth process.

I ended my relationship with her once I got with her ex-husband.

My three adopted daughters are 16, 14, and 12.

Both my husband and myself have heard that his ex-wife (My former best friend) is trying to reach out to the girls.

As a mom, I am fearful about this. Who knows what kind of stunt that she is trying to pull.

What should I do about this? My husband and me do not want that woman contacting our daughters. She has serious issues.

Nearly all adopted children reach out to their biological parents, it is completely normal and practically inevitable.

You cannot stop this, you are best to try to facilitate this in a safe and contained way.

Soontobe60 · 09/05/2023 14:01

For their sake, Id be doing my best to help them build a positive relationship with their mother. Just because you were somehow able to adopt them doesn’t mean she isn't their mother.
In this country, if a mother had gone to prison for possession of drugs, there would be lots of support for the children to be able to continue seeing her.

Ihavekids · 09/05/2023 14:05

Sooooo... you married your best friends husband and adopted their children? No wonder she has serious issues. Whether or not you were the cause of these issues, I cannot imagine the pain she has been through.

Unless there has been physical, sexual or in fact any abuse of any kind from hee towards these children I'd let the children themselves decide whether or not they want contact with their bio mum. And you'll be there to support them through the difficult emotions this will bring up.

It's not up to you to decide. They'll decide for themselves anyway and may resent you if you block it.

lampformyfeet · 09/05/2023 14:06

It’s a tricky one. At some point you have to trust that the stable home life you’ve given them has equipped them with enough discernment to judge a person’s character.
If the mum is flakey and unreliable there’s a good chance that any meet ups will gradually fizzle out once they realise what she’s like. On the other hand if she’s changed her ways then they have the opportunity to have some kind of relationship with her. You just need to be the stable and steady parent they can come home to.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 09/05/2023 14:15

It's hard but you need to strap yourself in and be the rock they need regardless of what she does and because of what you know she may do. Sadly if they decide they want contact, at their age, in a world with the internet, you won't be able to stop them. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

A lot of the replies here are ignoring the very real damage a person with that history can do and likely already has.
They don't strip your parental rights for shits and giggles and she has a legal responsibility to keep her kids safe even if the threat is their bio mum.

Dartmoorcheffy · 09/05/2023 14:20

You sound delightful. Not . How grubby to marry your best friends husband and then effectively steal her children too. No wonder she has issues. Anyway, HER daughters are old enough to make their own choices.

Sparrow91 · 09/05/2023 14:22

Soontobe60 · 09/05/2023 14:01

For their sake, Id be doing my best to help them build a positive relationship with their mother. Just because you were somehow able to adopt them doesn’t mean she isn't their mother.
In this country, if a mother had gone to prison for possession of drugs, there would be lots of support for the children to be able to continue seeing her.

This. In the U.K. they would bend over backwards to make sure they had a relationship with her - whether that was supervised or otherwise.

Your adopted children are old enough to know she is their biological mother, and are old enough to decide whether or not they have contact with her. You trying to delete her from their lives will not work, and in the long run, may cause problems with your adopted children if they decide to have contact with her in future.

Kill her with kindness and put your own feelings to the side for the sake of those children.

Mummy08m · 09/05/2023 14:22

So reading the timelines, she went to prison around 7-8y ago. Her daughters would have between 4-9yo, not babies. She's their mother who raised them for a decent proportion of their childhood, even if she wasn't an ideal mum. They must miss her dreadfully even in spite of her issues. You can't keep them apart. If you do, they'll just wait till they're 18 then break with you.

But I wonder if this is some kind of reverse post - you really have emphasised all the aspects of the story that make you seem unreasonable. You've emphasised how she used to be your best friend, then when she was at her lowest point, you married her husband. You "were able to take away" her parental responsibility. You've downplayed her reason for going to prison - mere drug possession doesn't sound that bad by itself.

I think you might actually be the bio mum and this is a reverse. If you are, I hope you are ok and get to see your girls soon and often.

Wishitsnows · 09/05/2023 14:24

No wonder she has issues, you have pretty much stolen her life. The children will ultimately make their own decisions on whether they will contact their mum. I guess you can facilitate it so they don’t resent you. The law in the UK is different and she would have been supported whereas in the US you can potentially get a good lawyer to get parental rights changed.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 09/05/2023 14:26

Wow.

Regardless of her issues would you not as a mate have been better to support her? Not pinch her husband

Sorry but that's despicable.

ChiefPearlClutcher · 09/05/2023 14:26

This cannot be real. I’m reporting

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