What is the best way of protecting my adopted daughters from their biological mother?

[MotherofFiveKids]

I am a 49-year old woman who is remarried with 5 children (2 biological from previous marriage and 3 daughters adopted from current husband's previous marriage.)

I was married in my previous marriage for 8 years and was divorced for 2 years before getting remarried to my former best friend's ex-husband.

That woman and myself were best friends from college and we were roommates. She has had tons of issues with drug usage and also had gotten arrested for child endangerment after my husband and myself had tied the knot.

She eventually went to prion for drug possession and just got released last year.

After my divorce was in process, her issues destroyed her marriage. After she went to prison, my husband and me got married. We have been married for 7 years now. We hired a great Attorney and I was able to formally adopt my 3 daughters five years ago. The girls are happy with the adoption and it was a smooth process.

I ended my relationship with her once I got with her ex-husband.

My three adopted daughters are 16, 14, and 12.

Both my husband and myself have heard that his ex-wife (My former best friend) is trying to reach out to the girls.

As a mom, I am fearful about this. Who knows what kind of stunt that she is trying to pull.

What should I do about this? My husband and me do not want that woman contacting our daughters. She has serious issues.

She's not trying to pull any stunt as you put it, she wants to see HER daughters. At 12, 14 and 16 they're old enough to decide for themselves.

How would you feel if your life took a wrong turn and you couldn't see your own 2 biological children anymore?

FFS. No-one stole this drug addicted, child endangering woman's life. She fucked it up by herself repeatedly, leaving 3 girls with their dad to clean up her messes.
She fucked around and found out. Weird place for anyone to be throwing sympathy.

Are you not taking part in the Writers' Strike that's going on OP? Still needing to find some fodder for those plot twists because perhaps you need a novella to be written?

0/10

Perhaps the girls want to meet her, feel they need to know her? You need to put their feelings first and support them with their choices, not tell them what to do.

It's the other way round when I adopted in the US, the child has the right to a relationship if they want one, the adult who's rights have been removed has no right to the child.
I'd take it back to the lawyers and see what they have to say about it.
You may want to be quite honest with them about their mother and what's she has done what she is like.

What was the child endangerment? Some children need to be removed from a parent for safety. What a mess though, re relationships that in itself likely unnecessarily stress.

She is their mother. What the actual f* is this story? You married your ex best friend's husband and adopted her children - so you kind of stole her life? How does the adoption even work?

What? You married your best friend's husband and then you adopted her children? Holy fuck. That can't be real.

This no matter what has happened she is and will always be the kids mother! They have a right to see her if they wish no one can destroy that bond.

Presumably the girls have a US equivalent of social worker or advocate? What do they suggest?

Ummm No.

As an adoptee and adopted parent this whole situation screams No.

Totally agree

Your choice is between helping facilitate a relationship in a controlled, safe environment where you can supervise, or they will all do it behind your back and you won't know wtf is going on.

No what ?

*She has had tons of issues with drug usage and also had gotten arrested for child endangerment after my husband and myself had tied the knot.

She eventually went to prion for drug possession and just got released last year.

After my divorce was in process, her issues destroyed her marriage. After she went to prison, my husband and me got married.*

How did she get arrested for child endangerment after you got married when you later state you got married after she had gone to prison?

This isn't adding up here.

She was arrested for child endangerment after the divorce. We got married after she went to prison. I should have been clear.

I'm in the US.

You and your husband need a lawyer. If you can find one who also does court appointed Guardian ad Litem work, that would be great. Or you might like to use the lawyer you hired oreviously, if he or she has experience advocating for minors or working in adversarial cases.

If this woman's parental rights have been terminated, she no longer has the right to see or have contact with the girls. If she wants to see them, she will have to get a court order. Depending on what state you're in, this will be difficult for her.

If the mother is pursuing contact and nobody else wants it, you can have your lawyer explore possibilities - an order to cease and desist harassment or efforts to contact, or an order of protection if she is menacing any of you in any way.

However, things might not be as black and white as that if the girls want to see or have contact with their bio mother. I would look into therapy for the whole family (you, your H, and the girls) to explore their feelings about their bio mother and what sort of relationship with her they might like.

Once everyone's feelings are clarified, you can proceed with a court ordered visitation schedule, which protects all parties involved. There could be visits in a specific location once a month, depending on the girls' activity / sports, or part-time job schedules, for instance.

Do their schools offer any kind of pastoral care? My local HS has LCSWs on staff offering counseling, and maybe your local schools do too? If there are counseling opportunities available in school, this might be nice for the girls - after life with an addicted mother they very likely need therapy regardless of whether they do therapy or counseling related to contact with their mother. I'd look into this if they are not already being supported.

Minors do not get a say about their contact arrangements in the US.

The mother's parental rights have been terminated. This isn't done lightly.

I think you put boundaries in place with respect to contact. You don’t permanently deny all contact. No matter how much you’d think it’s for the best, it’s going to have a massive negative impact on their lives to have lost their mother.

You and their father can determine what safeguards need to be in place and what level of contact to allow. It could be as simple as sending her pictures and/or allowing her to send cards. (Not letters, just cards.) Or allowing brief visits when you have confirmation that she’s sober.

I’ve been on multiple sides of this and know it’s painful for all involved. The main thing is to always keep your decisions focused on the children until they are able to make their own decisions.

Clearly you aren’t living in the US if you think this sounds far-fetched. Count yourself lucky. I could tell even less believable versions of this type of story.

No, the rights and best interests of the children take precedence over all other factors in the US.

This woman's parental rights were terminated. This would have resulted from state proceedings against her based on abuse or endangerment of the girls of a very serious kind, not merely addiction on tbe partbof the mother. The mother would have to prove that it was in the best interests of the girls to resume contact with her.

As things stand, she has no rights whatsoever to a relationship or contact with the children. After they turn 18, the children are all free to do what they like. But up to then, they are minors, and their bio mother has no right to contact or to a relationship with the girls.