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Original poster

What is the best way of protecting my adopted daughters from their biological mother?

203 replies

MotherofFiveKids · 09/05/2023 13:45

I am a 49-year old woman who is remarried with 5 children (2 biological from previous marriage and 3 daughters adopted from current husband's previous marriage.)

I was married in my previous marriage for 8 years and was divorced for 2 years before getting remarried to my former best friend's ex-husband.

That woman and myself were best friends from college and we were roommates. She has had tons of issues with drug usage and also had gotten arrested for child endangerment after my husband and myself had tied the knot.

She eventually went to prion for drug possession and just got released last year.

After my divorce was in process, her issues destroyed her marriage. After she went to prison, my husband and me got married. We have been married for 7 years now. We hired a great Attorney and I was able to formally adopt my 3 daughters five years ago. The girls are happy with the adoption and it was a smooth process.

I ended my relationship with her once I got with her ex-husband.

My three adopted daughters are 16, 14, and 12.

Both my husband and myself have heard that his ex-wife (My former best friend) is trying to reach out to the girls.

As a mom, I am fearful about this. Who knows what kind of stunt that she is trying to pull.

What should I do about this? My husband and me do not want that woman contacting our daughters. She has serious issues.

OP posts:
My2pence2day · 10/05/2023 02:46

Ihavekids · 09/05/2023 14:05

Sooooo... you married your best friends husband and adopted their children? No wonder she has serious issues. Whether or not you were the cause of these issues, I cannot imagine the pain she has been through.

Unless there has been physical, sexual or in fact any abuse of any kind from hee towards these children I'd let the children themselves decide whether or not they want contact with their bio mum. And you'll be there to support them through the difficult emotions this will bring up.

It's not up to you to decide. They'll decide for themselves anyway and may resent you if you block it.

This. I feel sorry for the bio mum, under these circumstances how will she ever get her life back on track. Utterly tragic

Strawberrydelight78 · 10/05/2023 02:53

If you stop them you will just push them away. Let it be there decision but suggest they meet with her in a public place maybe for something to eat or trip to cinema etc.

EllandRd · 10/05/2023 03:10

MotherofFiveKids · 09/05/2023 13:55

She were able to have her parental rights taken.

This is about seeing.

Let her see her children fgs

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DeflatedAgain · 10/05/2023 03:15

Follow the girls lead.

They need to make the decision here.

Bansheed · 10/05/2023 04:12

Why on earth did you adopt her kids? Surely there was a less head fuck of an alternative.

She should be allowed to contact her children. They are HER children.

These children need support not huge decisions about their mother taken out of their hands by people.with suspect intentions.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2023 04:18

She adopted them after she married their father.

This gave her equa parentall rights with their father, including the right to travel with them from state to state in the US, where they live, and outside the US too, and to be involved in medical decisions and other important elements of their lives such as contact with teachers.

The mother has had her parental rights terminated by the courts. This happens when there has been serious abuse, neglect, or endangerment of the children.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2023 04:19

@Bansheed

She has no rights whatsoever wrt these children.

Her rights have been terminated by the courts.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2023 04:25

@Neurodiversitydoctor

Are your figures from the US?

There is no mention by the OP of a strong desire on the part of the children to see or have contact with their mother.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2023 04:39

Bimbom · 09/05/2023 17:42

Well you don't have to have parental rights in the US to have contact with a child - how would that work for extended family, friends and so on?

Surely if she wants to see them and they want to see her, somebody would facilitate that not say sorry kids but you're minors

Show quote history

The extended family has to petition the court just like anyone else without parental rights, if the person who has parental rights is blocking that contact or has grave doubts about the effect of contact on the children.

The mother's parental rights were terminated by the courts. Do you think this is done lightly in the US, where in most states keeping families together and maintaining family bonds is seen as extremely important? It is done in cases of serious abuse, neglect, and/ or endangerment. It takes a lot of abuse, neglect, or endangerment to have parental rights terminated.

Nobody has the right to take matters into their own hands here and facilitate contact. If the mother, who has no parental rights, wishes to have contact with these children, she has to petition the family courts and prove it's in the best interests of the children for contact to be established.

The best interests of the children are all that will concern a family court judge hearing this case, and rightly so.

The court will take the protection of these children seriously, given what we can assume they have already gone through at the hands of their bio mother (we can assume because she has had her rights terminated).

Original poster
MotherofFiveKids · 10/05/2023 04:47

mathanxiety · 10/05/2023 04:18

She adopted them after she married their father.

This gave her equa parentall rights with their father, including the right to travel with them from state to state in the US, where they live, and outside the US too, and to be involved in medical decisions and other important elements of their lives such as contact with teachers.

The mother has had her parental rights terminated by the courts. This happens when there has been serious abuse, neglect, or endangerment of the children.

After I had gotten divorced and they were legally split and about to get divorced, we started seeing each other. While my divorce became final, I urged him to go for full custody which he did. After we got engaged, he went for permanent custody. After we had gotten married, we hired the adoption lawyer and then eventually began the process.

My youngest 12 year old daughter, I pretty much raised her longer than what my husband's ex-wife did. The bond between the youngest and myself is as strong as it could be.

OP posts:
mischlerischler · 10/05/2023 04:50

Do they want to see their mum? I would follow their lead on this and make sure it's done in a safe space under supervision.

They are old enough to understand the situation and if they want to see her and have a relationship with her, you won't be able to stop it in a few years when they are adults.

I don't know if this post is real. But, I find myself feeling sorry for your former best friend. Even though she messed up big time, having her ex husband and best friend getting married and losing her children must be so difficult to deal with during the recovery.

PriOn1 · 10/05/2023 04:59

When you say their mother is trying to reach out, how likely is it that she’ll manage? Does she live close to you? Are there times when she could predictably get to them, such as walking home from school?

Can you obtain some kind of restraining order, if you feel she represents a danger to them?

On the other side, do her daughters want to see her? If they do, then it might be best to try to facilitate meetings in a safe environment, such as a supervised centre set up for the purpose?

The situation is very complicated as you were her friend and many would see what you and your husband did as a betrayal. The girls might come to see it the same way, in time, so whatever you do, I think you need to tread very carefully and do whatever you can to not do further harm to their mother. If they need to be protected from her, that’s fine, but you need to be absolutely certain that is the only motive and you must leave the door open for the girls to reach out, as and when they want to.

THisbackwithavengeance · 10/05/2023 05:04

So you were her best friend?

And you nicked her husband and her kids and now want to stop her ever seeing her kids?

Ok then.

Original poster
MotherofFiveKids · 10/05/2023 06:05

AmberGer · 09/05/2023 13:56

She's still their mother regardless of adoption. She still has a right to a relationship with them.

She is NO LONGER their mother legally, that would be me. She is only their biological mother.

During the parental rights termination and the process of adoption, the birth certificate of the kids will get changed from the biological parents name to the adopted parents name.

My name is on all 3 of their birth certificates as I am now their mother for the rest of their lives.

They are MY CHILDREN.

She took herself out of all 3 of my daughters lives with her reckless behavior.

As a mother, you do not know the lengths that I would go to protect my children from trouble.

My youngest 12 year old daughter, I pretty much raised her longer than what my husband's ex-wife did. The bond between the youngest and myself is as strong as it could be. She is my baby girl.

OP posts:
Missjkay · 10/05/2023 06:10

Difficult one but the older girls are old enough to decide for themselves. It is possible she is turning her life around. Many drug users tend to start using to escape hurt. Yet you marrying her husband and having her babies must be like you took her life away. If she allowed the adoption she may have less rights but maybe had bigger issues than she does now.

Fedupofdiets · 10/05/2023 06:13

She is NO LONGER their mother legally, that would be me. She is only their biological mother.

She is still their Mother no matter what the law says.

FatAgain · 10/05/2023 06:18

What a lot of shit

SD1978 · 10/05/2023 06:21

Taking their mothers legal rights away from the kids doesn't stop her being their mother, sorry. Is she now drug free? Do the kids want to see her? If they do, and she is able to follow some rules, then yea, I think they should. You adopting them when she was in prison shouldn't be a factor.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 10/05/2023 06:26

Ask the girls what they want. They're getting old enough to make their own decisions anyway.

Pressthespacebar · 10/05/2023 06:29

Wow who needs enemies…..

I feel so sorry for this woman. I hope she gets to see her kids again.

Sux2buthen · 10/05/2023 06:30

This is the worst 'bio mums rights trump all' thread I've ever seen.

Meadowfly · 10/05/2023 06:30

She is their mother. You are their mum. All the paperwork in the world can’t change that. I had no idea that birth certificates get changed, that’s such a bizarre thing to happen! Seems very wrong to me. Does it happen in the uk too? If you stop them from seeing her you will just delay, and possibly magnify the problem.

TrashyPanda · 10/05/2023 06:31

US law is very different in this aspect, and I think a lot of posters are struggling with the concept of having parental rights removed. I’m familiar with this aspect of US law via a family member.

as @mathanxiety says, this is not done lightly, and the court considers the best interests of the children.

OP - I think you should seek legal advice. Are your DDs fully aware of the situation? Are you able to talk to them about it? Would Child Services be able to offer any advice?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/05/2023 06:32

What do the kids say? Do they want to see their biological mother? Is she now drug free?

The oldest is 16. She will remember her (bio) mother. The good and the bad. And she will soon be old enough to decide if she wants to have contact.

Do you want to support her in this? Keep her safe?

Or do you want her to do it alone, without help, guidance, adult supervision?

I think you and your husband should encourage a relationship with their (bio) mother if the children want that. And if it can be done safely.

You seem to be against all (even supervised!) contact.

WHY?

Terven · 10/05/2023 06:33

Well done for giving the children a loving home and being a good mother for them. ❤️ Personally I would block her completely and explain to children that when they’re adults they can decide.
The risk that she interferes and starts disrupting their life is great.
as a side note, how do you know if she stayed out of trouble?

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