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Original poster

What is the best way of protecting my adopted daughters from their biological mother?

203 replies

MotherofFiveKids · 09/05/2023 13:45

I am a 49-year old woman who is remarried with 5 children (2 biological from previous marriage and 3 daughters adopted from current husband's previous marriage.)

I was married in my previous marriage for 8 years and was divorced for 2 years before getting remarried to my former best friend's ex-husband.

That woman and myself were best friends from college and we were roommates. She has had tons of issues with drug usage and also had gotten arrested for child endangerment after my husband and myself had tied the knot.

She eventually went to prion for drug possession and just got released last year.

After my divorce was in process, her issues destroyed her marriage. After she went to prison, my husband and me got married. We have been married for 7 years now. We hired a great Attorney and I was able to formally adopt my 3 daughters five years ago. The girls are happy with the adoption and it was a smooth process.

I ended my relationship with her once I got with her ex-husband.

My three adopted daughters are 16, 14, and 12.

Both my husband and myself have heard that his ex-wife (My former best friend) is trying to reach out to the girls.

As a mom, I am fearful about this. Who knows what kind of stunt that she is trying to pull.

What should I do about this? My husband and me do not want that woman contacting our daughters. She has serious issues.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2023 17:11

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Taking op at her word, what has she dien wrong?

The mother has been charged with child endangerment and has done jail time for drugs. The issues were sufficient for a court to remove her parental rights.

Alongside this, op who has presumably been around the family a long time, fell in love with the now single father. She's stepped up where their mother failed to and they're successfully bringing the children up. She's shown that commitment by formally adopting them to give them more stability.

I don't think op or her partner should stop the girls seeing their mother, but I understand the instinct of not wanting your child to be around someone who endangered them and has drug issues.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2023 17:14

Mummy2mybear · 09/05/2023 14:51

This no matter what has happened she is and will always be the kids mother! They have a right to see her if they wish no one can destroy that bond.

Show quote history

They have a right to see her if thru want, but her rights were literally removed

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 09/05/2023 17:15

If she has changed since her stint in prison then you should help the children have a relationship with their mother. But surely it would be up to the courts to decide that anyway.
If you were best friends with her once you can’t possibly see her as all bad otherwise surely you wouldn’t have been best friends in the first place?
You have in effect stolen her life - her kids and her husband so I do have some sympathy with your ex friend. Imagine if your current best friend took your entire family from you, how would you feel?
If she has changed, let her have some contact with her children.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
mathanxiety · 09/05/2023 17:20

@SleepingStandingUp
I agree with most of your post.

I think it needs to be pointed out, however, that the OP and her husband cannot off their own bat allow or facilitate any kind of contact with this woman. She has had her parental rights terminated (as a result of a criminal charge of child endangerment/ neglect/ abuse - this is how termination of parental rights is done) and therefore the OP and her H cannot facilitate contact that is not authorised and ordered by the court, without putting themselves in jeopardy of charges of child endangerment.

The bio mother needs to prove to the court that the best interests of the girls are served by ordering contact with her.

mathanxiety · 09/05/2023 17:29

Mummy2mybear · 09/05/2023 14:51

This no matter what has happened she is and will always be the kids mother! They have a right to see her if they wish no one can destroy that bond.

Show quote history

Nope, not in the US.

The mother's parental rights have been terminated. If she wants contact, she has to apply through the family courts. She will have to prove it's in the best interests of the girls to have contact with her.

The children are minors and do not get a say in this matter. They were removed from the care of their mother for their own protection. The courts do not allow them to dispute this established fact. After they're 18, it's up to them to decide how the relationship will go. Until then, the decision of the court that terminated the mother's rights determines their relationship with their bio mother.

mathanxiety · 09/05/2023 17:35

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 09/05/2023 17:15

If she has changed since her stint in prison then you should help the children have a relationship with their mother. But surely it would be up to the courts to decide that anyway.
If you were best friends with her once you can’t possibly see her as all bad otherwise surely you wouldn’t have been best friends in the first place?
You have in effect stolen her life - her kids and her husband so I do have some sympathy with your ex friend. Imagine if your current best friend took your entire family from you, how would you feel?
If she has changed, let her have some contact with her children.

The OP and her H have to abuse by the verdict if the court thst terminated the bio mother's rights.

It will take a court order to establish any contact between the bio mother and the girls. To get one, she will have to prove that contact is in the best interests of the children.

Since her parental rights were terminated, it's reasonable to assume that the girls were subjected to abuse, neglect, or endangerment of a very serious nature while in her care. Parental rights are not terminated lightly.

If your best friend abused, neglected, or engmdangered her children to the extent that her children were removed from her care, where would your care and concern lie?

Neurodiversitydoctor · 09/05/2023 17:35

mathanxiety · 09/05/2023 17:29

Nope, not in the US.

The mother's parental rights have been terminated. If she wants contact, she has to apply through the family courts. She will have to prove it's in the best interests of the girls to have contact with her.

The children are minors and do not get a say in this matter. They were removed from the care of their mother for their own protection. The courts do not allow them to dispute this established fact. After they're 18, it's up to them to decide how the relationship will go. Until then, the decision of the court that terminated the mother's rights determines their relationship with their bio mother.

Show quote history

Well good luck with that is all I can say. As in my link 80% of adopted children contact their birth parents before their 18th birthday

Corrienation · 09/05/2023 17:41

Ihavekids · 09/05/2023 14:05

Sooooo... you married your best friends husband and adopted their children? No wonder she has serious issues. Whether or not you were the cause of these issues, I cannot imagine the pain she has been through.

Unless there has been physical, sexual or in fact any abuse of any kind from hee towards these children I'd let the children themselves decide whether or not they want contact with their bio mum. And you'll be there to support them through the difficult emotions this will bring up.

It's not up to you to decide. They'll decide for themselves anyway and may resent you if you block it.

This

gogohmm · 09/05/2023 17:41

I'm surprised the court terminated her parental rights and allowed the adoption to be honest. Fair enough to place them with their father but forcing her to give up for adoption essentially seems extreme. Cant advise you as to me you overstepped when you adopted them (the equivalent of a guardianship order seems more appropriate)

Bimbom · 09/05/2023 17:42

mathanxiety · 09/05/2023 17:00

Minors do not get a say about their contact arrangements in the US.

The mother's parental rights have been terminated. This isn't done lightly.

Show quote history

Well you don't have to have parental rights in the US to have contact with a child - how would that work for extended family, friends and so on?

Surely if she wants to see them and they want to see her, somebody would facilitate that not say sorry kids but you're minors

Mumto1boyo · 09/05/2023 17:44

What in the name of Jerry Springer......what a scruff you are to get with her husband and take her kids too. Junkie or not.

bellac11 · 09/05/2023 17:46

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Summerishere123 · 09/05/2023 17:48

My daughter was taken at just a few weeks old and we later adopted her. she never knew her mum but still wonders about her. I think one day she will want to meet her and the safest way is for me to facilitate this and monitor it. I know of others who have gone behind parents backs for fear they would refuse help and then been hurt, got into trouble or even been turned against the adoptive family. I would rather not ruin my relationship with my daughter.

MrsCarson · 09/05/2023 21:23

Summerishere123 · 09/05/2023 17:48

My daughter was taken at just a few weeks old and we later adopted her. she never knew her mum but still wonders about her. I think one day she will want to meet her and the safest way is for me to facilitate this and monitor it. I know of others who have gone behind parents backs for fear they would refuse help and then been hurt, got into trouble or even been turned against the adoptive family. I would rather not ruin my relationship with my daughter.

Similar for my Dd, only she was removed the day she was born, then abandoned to the system by her mother who didn't want to follow the plan to get her back. So the adoption is closed. I have all the info ready for when she asks to know more. She has some info through me already.

ejbaxa · 09/05/2023 21:33

What exactly are you protecting the 16yo from? The other two are 14 and 12 so although younger, I’m still wondering what risk she poses to them.

tribpot · 09/05/2023 21:33

I think one day she will want to meet her and the safest way is for me to facilitate this and monitor it

Well quite. The choices for OP here are:

  • manage contact in an appropriate way if one or more of the three girls want to see their mother
  • wait til they reach 18 and then have no control over what they do and what damage the mother might do as a result.

This is a risk that needs to be managed, not ignored.

getafringenotbotox · 09/05/2023 22:16

There is a lot to process Blush

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 10/05/2023 00:44

Mumto1boyo · 09/05/2023 17:44

What in the name of Jerry Springer......what a scruff you are to get with her husband and take her kids too. Junkie or not.

Nope.
Hubby and Best Mate both dealing with the same adult drug addict likely have stuff in common, shared memories and fears for the kids including genuine concern for the kids stability as they care enough to not have been in fucking prison with a history of drug abuse and shitty parenting.

Think with your head not your insecurities

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 10/05/2023 00:50

I suspect OP has downplayed the years prior to imprisonment and a lot of replies are from people who likely haven't watched kids being effed up in real time by addiction.
Thank Christ they have two adults who have known them all their lives and give a shit cause some of Mumsnet would be offering these girls up to harm out of spite

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/05/2023 01:38

Neurodiversitydoctor · 09/05/2023 15:35

No what ?

Show quote history

This is all awful. Those girls need to know their mom loves them. As best a relationship is possible between the girls and their birth mom it is the adoptive parents job to facilitate.

MakesMeFeelSad · 10/05/2023 02:00

The women's had her parental rights taken away from her. I doubt it's as simple as just facilitate contact with her, well I'd hope not.

Are courts really OK with adoptive parents deciding that it's OK for children to see the parent they've been taken away from? Id bloody hope not

Brittl · 10/05/2023 02:14

I think the 16 year old and 14 year old would meet the threshold of having capacity to decide. You aren't their mother they will know and remember who their mother is. They need to be trusted to find out about their mother themselves. I'm LC with mine but yeah if my DF stopped all contact I would be livid. It was all my choice and my DF supported me through it.

SaraGeeHickaBee · 10/05/2023 02:22

JUST STOP. And bloody well think before you post crap. How many children recently have been killed by parents and/or step parents. Those children were in danger before they died, and I'll bet every single one of you banged on about 'why didn't anyone do anything to protect them' 'why were they allowed to be with those awful people'.

And yet here you are posting nasty shit to a woman who is trying to protect children who have been taken away from a woman who endangered them. Thank goodness at least their father is with a partner who cares about them and wants to protect them. You lot make my blood run cold, you are exactly the reason those other children were with their abusive families.

Go back and read mathanxiety's post. She knows what she is talking about.

Thank you Op for caring about these children, all the best to you and them. I hope you find a way to continue to keep them safe.

SofiaAmes · 10/05/2023 02:25

If the bio mom still had parental rights, the children would absolutely have a say in contact (this is generally recognized after the age of 12). Since she doesn't, in this particular case it will be completely dependent on the laws of the State that you are in...and they can vary enormously from one State to the next. You should contact the Family Court for the County that you are in for more information. It's possible that the Court would view the bio mom as a stranger and if there isn't a restraining order in place, there would be no legal reason for her not to be able to make contact. Having said that, in my State, a parent cannot get a Restraining Order on behalf of a 16 year old without the 16 year old participating in the process. If this is actually real, feel free to DM me to let me know where you are located and I can give you some free legal resources to get advice more specific to your location and situation.

Having said all of that, as PP have said, you are much better off allowing/facilitating contact while the kids are still minors and you are in control and can set boundaries. Because it's inevitable that at some point they will want contact...and so much better when you can control the crash and burn part of it.

Goodread1 · 10/05/2023 02:43

@ChiefPearlClutcher

You are certainty living up to your mumsnet Op name , !

Grow up and get a life , !

wanting to report to mumsnet about this op@MotherofFiveKids thread, !

It's definitely a very plausible story,

There are some individuals who are Arseholes out there ,

I can well believe this story, as I have come across a few Arseholes in my life time, !

You are lucky to have lived such a charmed life not to yet come across this type of person,

Sick and tired of cancel culture , !

Boring and predictable as...

It's like being back at school yard politics...