What is the best way of protecting my adopted daughters from their biological mother?

[MotherofFiveKids]

I am a 49-year old woman who is remarried with 5 children (2 biological from previous marriage and 3 daughters adopted from current husband's previous marriage.)

I was married in my previous marriage for 8 years and was divorced for 2 years before getting remarried to my former best friend's ex-husband.

That woman and myself were best friends from college and we were roommates. She has had tons of issues with drug usage and also had gotten arrested for child endangerment after my husband and myself had tied the knot.

She eventually went to prion for drug possession and just got released last year.

After my divorce was in process, her issues destroyed her marriage. After she went to prison, my husband and me got married. We have been married for 7 years now. We hired a great Attorney and I was able to formally adopt my 3 daughters five years ago. The girls are happy with the adoption and it was a smooth process.

I ended my relationship with her once I got with her ex-husband.

My three adopted daughters are 16, 14, and 12.

Both my husband and myself have heard that his ex-wife (My former best friend) is trying to reach out to the girls.

As a mom, I am fearful about this. Who knows what kind of stunt that she is trying to pull.

What should I do about this? My husband and me do not want that woman contacting our daughters. She has serious issues.

As far as the girls know, I am their ONE and ONLY mother.

Hang on weren't they something like 6, 8 and 10 how can you possibly be they only mother they know ?

Legally

You may well be these girls' legal parent. That doesn't make you the only mother they know.

This is scary. How do you brainwash a 10 year old to "forget" their birth mother? And - if the their birth mum was so horrible and abusive, why they stayed with her for so long? Were birth mum's issues at all connected to her husband having an affair with her best friend?

It takes a lot to terminate parental rights. It doesn't happen overnight if it happens at all, which is why we see so many tragic outcomes when it doesn't happen.

It did not sound like that in the OP posts. She made it sound like it happened very quick - like in less than a year's time - and was pretty much driven by her getting together with this mad (and with birth mum ending up in prison). maybe its the way she described it, but to me it sounded like birth mum went downhill pretty quick, possibly stopped looking after the kids, dad got custody, mum ended up in prison and kids were removed from her. There was no talk of kids being hurt or abused in any way.

man, not mad. sorry

I really didn't want to get into the personal details.

After my divorce and while they were split and about to get divorced, she got herself into a serious legal issue.

I really didn't want to explain the details of the fact that the emotional trauma all 3 of my girls went through with her especially my oldest.

While my husband and me were dating, I advised him to go for full custody. After we were engaged, he got permanent custody.

I legally adopted them 2 years after I married my husband.

We started talking about the adoption process as a family 6 months after the wedding.

ok, I don't really want to comment on this - but "legal issues" and "emotional trauma" sounds as vague as you like and really does not explain a lot but I will leave it at that.

Going back to what I said - I appreciate that kids can be removed from their birth mum and can thrive with a step parent, but I would never believe they completely forgot/ rejected the birth mum with whom they lived for 6-10 years and now say their stepmom is "their only mum". You know that kids would say anything to stay safe and please whoever is their caregiver is? Its their survival instinct. But it doesn't mean they actually think that. Maybe deep down you know this and this is why you are panicking now?

But they know you aren't, they weren't babies when the adoption occurred. The eldest two will definitely remember her as their birth mother. It sounds more like a defence mechanism from yourself you are scared of losing them so doubling down. It's entirely normal to be curious about family.

I had a very abusive early childhood, I wanted to pursue contact with my DM as a teen my DF supported me as best he could. He was there to support me when thing didn't go right. Today I'm very close to my DF and not so much to DM. I worked it out myself and my dad allowed me to do that.

dear OP, if it was as you say it is - birth mum has no rights and kids see you as their "only mum" - you wouldn't have been so worried about potential contact. I think you you are worried because you understand that despite your desire to completely erase this woman from existence your girls still see her as someone of importance and would be open to speak to her.

I think you need to contact the equivalent of social services in the US and discuss this situation with them, and the decision should be based on what kids want and not what you want.

@Bubblyb00b
There was no talk of kids being hurt or abused in any way

How do you imagine it comes to pass that a court terminates parental rights?

I want to hold on to until my youngest turns 18 if she ever decides to try to contact that woman.

I have legally been their mom for 5 years and will be for the rest of their lives. They are my children. I really don't want this lady to disrupt the peaceful lives that my daughters are living.

I worry about any stunt that she is trying to pull on both me and my husband.

My girls don't need this in their lives. They have dealt with her neglect. My husband doesn't need this in his life. He had to put up being married to this problematic woman.

This woman neglected her parental duties and my girls had to go through it because of her.

I will NEVER trust this woman around MY CHILDREN.

And we wonder why child after child gets murdered by their parents, oftrn despite being on the radar of social services.

Only recently a case came to court where a nine year old boy had been killed after weeks of brutal treatment. Iirc, his mother and her partner defied orders that the partner not sleep over at the mother's house. When the boy was found dead she lied about his whereabouts the previous night, to protect the partner. The child had been the subject of a previous protection case involving a violent partner. Apparently, it was considered more important to keep this completely inadequate mother and her powerless child together than to protect the child from her inability to make responsible decisions and put her child first.

The welfare of vulnerable children should be a priority. This should include reassurance to the child that they don't have to play nice to the person who abused, neglected, or endangered them, at the behest of the other adults in their lives - whether guardians, social workers, or other authority figures. It's very easy to pressure a child into going along with an arrangement that they don't really want when all the adults seem ok with it.

It's really important to give children a clear message that abuse is wrong and completely unacceptable and that they deserve and will always get protection from their abuser.

@mathanxiety - I have no idea. as I said before, I know some stories about custodial battles from friends in the US and its never as black and white as this. There are other factors usually involved, money, good attorneys, circumstances, prejudice, etc. OP never said anything about anything other than legal problems and emotional abuse which can be literally anything.

@MotherofFiveKids - sorry, but you sound absolutely terrified of this woman - and not because of her drug habit. To me it seems like you still see her as a competition. As if you thinking - what if husband will like her again, what if kids will want her back in their lives? No way, NO NO NO...

I do feel for you. Your situation is not something anyone would envy, but you made your bed, so to speak.

How do you think birth certs of children adopted into the UK from other countries are handled?

And how do you square your outrage with the fact that it's perfectly legal for a British mother to decline to register the name of the baby's father even if she knows exactly who he is? Is virgin birth a thing in the UK? Do British babies not have the right to know who their fathers are?

@Dashel

Being on drugs doesn't result in parental rights being terminated. That is not the issue.

Whether she's sober or still using drugs, the fact remains that her parental rights were terminated.

This only happens when there has been persistent and serious abuse, neglect, or endangerment of children and failure to engage with support offered or directives given wrt the welfare of the children. It is not done lightly in either the US or the UK.

I will NEVER trust that woman around my children.

The deep hell that her actions had put on my kids and my husband is unforgivable.

If it was ever up to me, my girls would never see that train wreck of a woman.

But, it would be much more comfortable when each turn 18 for each of them to see her.

Honestly would be better if she doesn’t try to contact and just leave us alone.

They are MY CHILDREN and I am the mom for the rest of their lives.

You sound demented. Poor kids.

We’ve heard a lot about your thoughts and feelings.

how does your husband and his three daughters think and feel about the situation?

have their thoughts and feelings been explored by a psychologist?

They aren't YOUR girls , they aren't possessions they are independent people with thoughts and feelings who are developing everyday. It's not up to you in the long run , the clocks ticking in 2 years the eldest will be a legal adult. The best thing you can do is support and acknowledge most people want to know their biological parent and get answers themselves.

If she was so appalling, what did you and your husband ever see in her? And how do you think "your" daughters feel about their mother (who is half their genetic pool) being so terrible, that she has been wiped out of even their birth certs? And their step-mother being the type of best friend who does this to their best friend?

Can you please explain this. I am really confused:

1. Even though the OP legally adopted her former best friends kids, she is just the stepmother/adopted mother, is the OP now the mother of the children forever or is it still the biological mom/ex-wife?

2. When the girls are at school, who do the classmates of the girls, the classmates' parents, the teachers, and principal see and know as the mother of the kids?

3. When the girls eventually get married, would the husband still be the son-in-law to the biological mom or the OP?

@CuriousGuy10 in every legal way OP is the mother now.
She is also doing the role of mother and the only one in the kids lives.
The bio mum (if it was the bio dad most posters would be calling him speed donor for being so shit) is now out of options unless the kids pursue when they are older

Posters are determined to back bio mum they know nothing of purely because she's a birth mother. This would not happen if the OP was about a father