What is the best way of protecting my adopted daughters from their biological mother?

[MotherofFiveKids]

I am a 49-year old woman who is remarried with 5 children (2 biological from previous marriage and 3 daughters adopted from current husband's previous marriage.)

I was married in my previous marriage for 8 years and was divorced for 2 years before getting remarried to my former best friend's ex-husband.

That woman and myself were best friends from college and we were roommates. She has had tons of issues with drug usage and also had gotten arrested for child endangerment after my husband and myself had tied the knot.

She eventually went to prion for drug possession and just got released last year.

After my divorce was in process, her issues destroyed her marriage. After she went to prison, my husband and me got married. We have been married for 7 years now. We hired a great Attorney and I was able to formally adopt my 3 daughters five years ago. The girls are happy with the adoption and it was a smooth process.

I ended my relationship with her once I got with her ex-husband.

My three adopted daughters are 16, 14, and 12.

Both my husband and myself have heard that his ex-wife (My former best friend) is trying to reach out to the girls.

As a mom, I am fearful about this. Who knows what kind of stunt that she is trying to pull.

What should I do about this? My husband and me do not want that woman contacting our daughters. She has serious issues.

The birth certificate does not change but they are issued with an adoption certificate 🙄.

Absolutely not as a teen you just push back. I have an abusive mother when I wanted to reestablish contact my DF supported me. Teenagers want to figure things out for themselves, I did and I'm very close to DF and keep my DM at arms length.

Not in the US. They are issued with a new birth certificate (often with new names) and the old certificate is sealed.

That's erasure of someone's identity wtf 😳. Adoption definitely needs reform in the USA too many predatory intended parents who want to buy a baby from a poor mother. With support they could keep the baby there's also the practice of pretending to offer an open adoption then closing it.

Definitely not the case here in the UK.
Has the poster said where she lives.

It is disgusting if the birth certificate is eradicated! Awful

Ignoring the drama and nastiness...

I think you need to speak to the kids and explain the situation and the possible future events and ask them what their wishes are. Let them know what can and cannot happen according to the courts.

Keep it factual not emotional, make it clear if they DO want to see her, you still have to work with the court rulings it isn't your choice, but you will support them in whatever they want to do.

This is the only sensible way because IF you just say no, keep them in the dark, sit on it and wait and see then you give their bio mom the opportunity, eventually, to paint the picture anyway she fancies and as you can see from this thread, that is likely to be: 'she stole you from me, she's made up stories about me, shes not told you the truth'.

If you have omitted information, lied to them to protect them etc, then her version of events will have that tiny grain of truth needed to hook them in.

That's really appalling. I'm betting it was adopters who lobbied for that law, not adoptees...

The decision is not up to her.

The courts have stripped the bio mother of her parental rights. This is only done because of abuse, neglect, or endangerment of children.

If the OP facilitates contact without the permission of the family court, she and her H could be accused of facilitating further abuse or endangerment of the children.

There's a lot of sentimental codswallop on this thread, along with a very puzzling inability to understand that the bio mother had her rights terminated for solid reasons, and that the welfare of the children comes before all other considerations.

These children know who their mother is. So do a huge number of children adopted in tbe US, because they've been taken from the abusive homes they were born into and placed in care.

'That woman' is the girls' biological mother. Why not explore a responsible level of contact, so the girls don't have regrets later.

I think you and your H did the right thing.

Don't be too dismayed by the remarks of people here who don't know squat about the US or the very high bar that is set when it comes to terminating parental rights, thanks to the ideology that parents and children should be kept together until well after the situation becomes intolerable.

Similarly, ignore those with an axe to grind about adoption law or an anti American agenda.

Children have to suffer horribly before that final step is taken. Parents have to be incorrigibly abusive or neglectful, and children have to suffer horribly before that step is taken.

It's not up to the children she has abused to help her get her life back on track. That's what you're arguing here, and it's gobsmackingly preposterous.

Do you expect this of abused children in the UK, who are frequently removed from the 'care' of their parents under the exact circumstances the OP's children were removed from theirs?

Do you feel sorry for British abusive parents whose children have been removed and whose parental rights have been stripped?

Do you realise how serious or severe the abuse, neglect, or endangerment has to be in order for the state in either the US or the UK to institute termination proceedings against a parent?

@Soontobe60

Parental rights are not removed from people who do drugs, sell drugs, transport drugs, or aid and abet any criminal activity related to drugs in the US.

Parentall rights are removed when a parent abuses, neglects, or endangers their children and has done so in a way that is found to be egregious and longstanding.

The two issues - drugs and child abuse - are separate and would have been handled by different courts, different judges.

And there is all sorts of help available for anyone seeking help with addiction in the US, even for those receiving Medicaid.

The only person pushing for contact - allegedly - this is something the OP and her H have somehow heard, is the mother.

There is no indication that the girls would welcome contact.

THIS

A THOUSAND TIMES.

With bells on.

The woman abused, neglected, or endangered these three girls, and people here are insisting that there is still some precious mother-child "bond" that must be preserved regardless of that, and regardless of what the court directed?

WTAF???

Do you think it's acceptable that certain states make a fictional birth record and seal the original one? Some adoptees have to apply to the court to see their own record, they can be denied. Don't you think it's important for adoptees to know where they came from ?

To answer your question the 14 and 16 year old probably have capacity to make their own decision to see their bio mother If stepmum pushes back they will become more determined. Contact will be behind her back it's painful but yes part of parenting is putting your own feelings aside and helping your child navigate tricky emotions.

She is still their mother no matter what the law says

She abused, neglected, or endangered them to such an extent that she had her parental rights terminated by a court of law. She is no longer their mother, and rightfully so because the welfare of the children comes first.

Do you hold abusive and neglectful British mothers to the same horrifically low standard you think should prevail in the US?

1 The children have not expressed any desire to see or have contact with their bio mother. The only person allegedly interested in contact is the woman who abused, neglected, or endangered these children to such an extent that the state they reside in terminated her parental rights. This step is not taken on a whim in any state.

2 Capacity is up to the family court to decide, not the parents, and certainly not the person whose parental rights have been terminated. Many states do not acknowledge capacity until legal emancipation at 18.

3 What is your understanding of child abuse, neglect, and endangerment?

4 Start another thread about your issues wrt adoption law in any particular state in the US, if that's something you want to debate.

This threads crazy

And I'm betting on the next thread there is about a child being killed by their parents most of you will be right there wanting to know why ss didn't do anything 🙄

This won't mean an awful lot to US posters, but I have Level 5 safeguarding children training here in the UK.

Nobody is suggesting the birth mother is the right person to bring these children up or even that she should have unsupervised acses. I am well aware of thresholds for removal, but I also know how important those ties are to people not brought up in their birth families. For this reason adoption orders are rarely granted for children of 6 and older in the UK as they will always regard their birth parents as their parents. Here these children would almost certainly have been made subject to an SGO and contact would have been preserved if at all possible including in a contact centre.

Well yeah, you can physically, sexually and emotionally abuse your children and still have access in this country , even if your young children don't want to see you

As far as the girls know, I am their ONE and ONLY mother.

After I legally adopted my girls, her mother got onto me for it, and I told her that her daughter did a terrible job in raising my children.

Having the birth certificates altered and becoming their mother was the right decision made as a family.

I love my girls and I will protect them from that woman.

It doesn't matter what she might have done or whether the OP now has parental rights - she will ALWAYS be their mother.

That has no relevance to my post.