What is the best way of protecting my adopted daughters from their biological mother?

[MotherofFiveKids]

I am a 49-year old woman who is remarried with 5 children (2 biological from previous marriage and 3 daughters adopted from current husband's previous marriage.)

I was married in my previous marriage for 8 years and was divorced for 2 years before getting remarried to my former best friend's ex-husband.

That woman and myself were best friends from college and we were roommates. She has had tons of issues with drug usage and also had gotten arrested for child endangerment after my husband and myself had tied the knot.

She eventually went to prion for drug possession and just got released last year.

After my divorce was in process, her issues destroyed her marriage. After she went to prison, my husband and me got married. We have been married for 7 years now. We hired a great Attorney and I was able to formally adopt my 3 daughters five years ago. The girls are happy with the adoption and it was a smooth process.

I ended my relationship with her once I got with her ex-husband.

My three adopted daughters are 16, 14, and 12.

Both my husband and myself have heard that his ex-wife (My former best friend) is trying to reach out to the girls.

As a mom, I am fearful about this. Who knows what kind of stunt that she is trying to pull.

What should I do about this? My husband and me do not want that woman contacting our daughters. She has serious issues.

And no, she's not the step mum anymore.

The only people I am backing are the children. The reason for facilitating contact is so the girls get to matain links to that side of the family. Believe what you like this is in their best interests.

So, when the OP legally adopted the girls, when it comes to the birth certificate, it will have the daughter's name, the husband's name, and the OP or the ex-wife?

So, the OP is now their mother forever?

The ex-wife still has the three children in her history, right?

1. How peaceful do you think the lives of the OP and her husband are after making the adoption official?

2. In your opinion, who should be the permanent mother of the girls for the rest of their lives?

OP could do whatever she wants, but kids will see her birth mum eventually so the only thing OP can control is her role is in this situation and how she is perceived. If the girls want to see her mum now and OP is actively preventing it (and I bet also badmouthing and demonising the woman) I imagine her relationship with "her children" not doing so well after these girls become adults.

@Neurodiversitydoctor I don't need to believe it, it's fact, I'm sure you realise that.

@CuriousGuy10 yes, adoptive parent is the parent now.

My thoughts entirely.

I have two friends who have both adopted and they are open about the children's past. They have a much healthier relationship with their children than OP.

OP, you can’t erase your girls’ birth mother. You have to let them own their whole life story, in which she has played an enormous role. Without her they simply would not exist. But they also suffered greatly due to her actions or lack of action (neglect). This doesn’t mean you should let contact happen now, that depends on the risks involved, the legal situation, and on the girls’ wishes. But you’ve got to get over this whole I AM THEIR ONLY MOTHER stuff. It could potentially backfire very badly, and quite soon. You have to find a way of neutrally acknowledging the girls’ birth mother, including her faults and her past (likely unforgivable) behavior, without either demonizing/dehumanizing her or pretending she never was. I really hope the girls have people they can talk to about their start in life if they so wish, because it’s clear they couldn’t possibly come to you with questions about their birth family.

Have you given them new names yet OP

as it feels like the handmaid's tale the way you're insisting you're now their mother. You're their stepmother with legal rights, they already have a mother.

If she's always been this monster.....why were you her best friend?.....

I agree , I was severely physically and emotionally abused by my mentally ill mother. I wanted to have contact as a late teen as I wanted to understand make judgments myself. My father supported me , you are understanding yourself and your life history. Cancelling my mother didn't mean she wasn't my biological mother anymore.

Me and my father are incredibly close and I have a relationship with my mother that's at arms length. My father's actions helped me to come terms with the past.

I think if he didn't allow it or pushed back , I would have rebelled.

Once the lawyers and court official paperwork got done issuing new birth certificates, The OP is Legally the mother of the girls. Once adoption paperwork got done, The courts, family, friends, teachers, etc. all see the OP as their one and only mom.

The biological mother/ex-wife officially has no children anymore.

For example, if the biological mother/ex-wife goes to the girls' school and tries to tell the parents of the kids at the girls' school that she is their mom, the parents would all get freaked out and think it is some random crazy woman.

The parents of these girls are The OP and her husband.

I absolutely get that that is the legal position.
It is equally a fact that the children are in their DNA their birth mother’s genetic offspring. Therefore it is almost inevitable that they will want to seek some contact with her.
That will not be without some big effects on the children. It is up to the current legal mother to support her children as best she can.
As our children grow we need to learn to go from standing between them and threats to standing alongside, supporting them in making their own decisions.

Are you ok with the OP legally adopting her former best friend's kids and now being their permanent mother forever?

Your posts are weird. They seem to contradict each other. I think maybe you’re trying to use sarcasm or something so we have no idea what is your actual opinion and what is you trying to say ´this is crazy’

Yes, I am, as it was legally considered to be in the best interests of the children.

I think this comes down to people having a different definition of what a mother is.

To some it may be purely legal and in that case the OP is now technically their mother.

Most people though would recognise that their mother is the person who gave birth to them and raised them for the first years of their lives, regardless of what she might have done or what legal powers have now been removed from her. They will never stop being related by blood and there will always be a tie between them even if that's disrupted at the moment. To say that she no longer has children is preposterous. I wonder how freely she agreed to the adoption - it sounds like she had no choice in the matter. The US can have whatever system it wants for removing parental rights and changing birth certificates but they can't change reality.

It’s not for me to judge, and I wouldn’t without a lot more information.
But that wasn’t the question OP posed, which was regarding the protection of her DDs.
My answer accepts the status quo.

Doing the research on stepparent adoption, here is how it goes:

• After the OP and her husband were married, they went for the termination of the ex-wife's parental rights. That alone permanently cut off all legal contact between the girls and their biological mother.
• The OP legally adopted them as her own. This resulted in the change of the kids' birth certificates with their biological mothers name on there and were issued new birth certificates with the OP as their mother. The OP is their legal mother. She is ther only mother that people on the outside know as. She and her husband can't simply have a meeting between her kids and their biological mother. The biological mother has to request it from the court system and get that permission. She'll have to give the judge the explanation.
• Officially, the ex-wife has no children in her history.

Officially, the ex-wife has no children in her history

Don't be ridiculous. So if she were in a medical setting and were asked whether she had ever been pregnant or given birth what do you think would be the correct answer for her to give?

I could write a pretty good Hitchcock-type thriller about the best friend who moves in on the husband and children.

Goodness.

You go from your tough divorce with the father of your two kids to marrying your Former Best Friend's Husband and being given three more kids.

Hopefully, this was in the kids' best interests.

We haven’t mentioned it to the kids, yet.

I honestly can’t believe that I had to quote a previous comment from you in which I explained the situation in which as the OP having the legal rights to my husband’s kids.

I should have been more specific on my post.

Once my adopted daughters turn 18, they will be adults and can make their own choices on seeing their biological mother.

I should have been specific in stating that I do not feel comfortable while they are still minors.