Mum dating a sex offender

[diegoyeah]

I was informed a while ago by social services that the mother of my children (boys 4 and 7) is dating a guy who had admitted to accessing indecent images of children. She then separated from this guy, and I thought all was OK.

My eldest son told me he had been in contact with this guy via a video call ( I'm sure it was just an innocent hello). And so I discovered the relationship had restarted.
I then contacted social services because I wasn't happy with the undue risk.. in response, they informed me that the guy had just been given a 2 year suspended sentence, and they had agreed the recommendation would be for there to be no contact between him and the children.. when i got the closing report, it said parole and MOSOVO classified him as high risk for 13 years of accessing class A child pornography (under 12 involving penetrative sex). Yet social services have put no safeguarding measures in themselves. The mother lied to social services and said my son hadn't spoken to him in a video call, but she told me it did happen under different circumstances than the child described. She has stayed in the relationship and tries to downplay.his crimes.by calling it "image abuse".

It only advice I have had from social services is that I had the right to proactively exercise my parental rights.. but obviously this has its own negative effects..
Any advice?

Give him a chance for goodness sake.

He's come here for advice.

Are you joking? How would anybody not know that they need to move heaven and Earth to get their children away from such a man?

Yeah it extremely weird how usually if a mum comes on here and says she's introduced her kids to a regular guy she's dated for six months, everyone freaks out and calls her a bad mum for rushing things.

Dad comes on here and says the mum of his kids has introduced their 7 year old to a paedophile, and some posters say action is not urgent or clear?

You have to go for full custody. Your work circumstances are irrelevant. The reason women have lesser paid jobs is because they sacrifice their career goals and income for their children/being primary carer. You seem to want to keep your life as it is and that may not be the best thing for your children.

You should contact your local probation office. He is likely to under some form of supervision with conditions such as notifying his offender manager of intimate relationships with women and prohibiting contact with children.

The school safeguarding lead is also a good starting point.

Good luck

Give him a chance for goodness sake.

He's come here for advice.

He doesn't even have the sense of urgency to Google the three word name of a foundation someone suggested to him, which in fairness it is frustrating and quite worrying as he doesn't seem to be exactly frantic with concern. Not enough to even google something!

This. Absolutely this.

How can he cut her off? She has custody of his children.

If you read my post shortly after that one, you’ll see I misread and corrected my advice.

Ss told him he can "exercise his parental rights".

Does that not mean keeping the kids away from the parent who is bringing a sex offender into their lives?

Exactly what i was going to say.

By leaving your children there you’re putting them at risk.

Rally as much family and friends help as possible as well. Don't be ashamed to tell everyone who she is dating and get it all out in the open. You need all the support you can get right now. Good luck.

I don't think it's as simple as that. I mean presumably his children love their mum and want to stay in their own home with her. Even without the BF issue, fighting for 'full custody' would be very upsetting for the children. I'm guessing OP is hoping there's a way he can persuade his ex to behave appropriately.

If OP dies get custody it may not be possible for him to continue with his job. The outcome could be he looses his.....and the children's...home. Of course compared to having his children sexually abused, there's no competition however I think he's looking for other suggestions first.

It could be that part of this person's 'conditions' are that they do not access equipment capable of Internet access. If he's broken his conditions he could be recalled. That would be the best option, remove the hazard. Speak to probation OP.

Please do not listen to the ridiculous ‘advice’ on this thread. You are absolutely right to be careful - it is not about ‘not caring’ or ‘not bothered’ and everything about following the law. If SS have decreed that (with conditions) the children are safe with their mother then you would be acting against this if you took the children and refused to hand them back. The likely outcome from that the police will come and try and negotiate you giving the children back as there is NO LEGAL REASON for them not to be with their mother and there is an outside chance you will be arrested (nothing will happen after that but you don’t want an arrest to be later bought up in court).

You need to raise your concerns with SS first. You need to ask them what ‘support’ (& monitoring) is in place to ensure that the mother keeps these boundaries in place. The answer will be nothing but you need a record that you’ve asked. Do EVERYTHING by email so you have a written record.

Report to SS that you think conditions have already been broken with the FaceTime contact. SS will probably ignore it but they ask mother / ask child who will probably lie or say child just happened to be in room etc. They will do nothing. If mother and child have a good relationship then it’s likely the outcome is that they just lie to you in future so it is a risk but one you need to take as you need it on record.

Your kids are old enough to know what is going on so I’d suggest you talk to them gently - no mother blaming however repellant you find the situation - and explain what he was convinced for (show them the paperwork so that they can’t be lied to). Explain that you know they love their mother but you are concerned and open regarding them telling you about any contact with bf. Use the NSPCC resources (pants) or similar to regularly talk about person and physical boundaries.

Tell school

Look out for any unusual or expensive gifts that your children suddenly have or treat days out where they ‘happen to bump into bf’

i’m so sorry this has happened to you but your best bet is to educate your children

The thing about sex offenders is that they can still be inappropriate even when not in contact with children or photos.

They will fantasise all the time. And justify it all the time. I would not want my children to have even the most minimal contact with a sex offender, I would not want them to have any reason to be thinking about my child in appropriately.
how do we know this guy hasn’t taken screen shots of the children? We don’t but even if he hasn’t that doesn’t stop him thinking wrong things about them all the time.

The OP is in contact with SS.

The kids have not been officially introduced in person and if challenged the mum can say he rang whilst the children were there or lie and say it was someone else.

Legally, the mum has not done anything wrong.

OP has to tread very carefully because she could easily refuse contact or be more secretive about her boyfriend.

In an ideal world OP would go in all guns blazing and take the kids today and not let them see their mum unsupervised again.
But unfortunately that’s probably not the best way to go about this.

Coming on here and getting advice from people who may have been in a similar situation is a great idea.
OP is trying to do things by the book and in a way that impacts the children the least.

I think everyone can agree that the mum is a bad mum and the OP seems like a good dad.
But there needs to be evidence of the mum being a bad mum for OP to get full custody and without it it’s going to be months or years of issues for the children.

I second this.
This is fantastic advice!

You are going through every parents worst nightmare and I can’t imagine how you must feel but the posters telling you to go for full custody or take them and not give them back, are not thinking logically.

If you haven’t already involve school

FWIW when a child I know was groomed before being abused the man took his time and would buy lots of food shopping for the mum and take them on day trips out.
He did things that were for the mums benefit and slowly did things to benefit the kids too.
Then he’d slowly buy gifts for the child.

When I did safeguarding training we were told to look out for new gifts such as a phone, clothes, jewellery etc but in reality it’s often things like days out or paying for food/bills so the mum or anyone around them doesn’t see the red flags.

Withhold the children and raise an urgent form C100 for child arrangements citing the children are potentially being exposed to a major safeguarding risk, and EX160 for help with fees.

If indeed she is back with him you need to exercise your Parental Responsibility (it isn't Parental Rights, it's the children who have the rights), and protect / safeguard the children. At least by doing this, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS) can do all the necessary checks (they're all ex SW). Thing is, if you think she's back with him and you don't protect / safeguard your kids, you can end up being seen in a bad light by Social Care too....

Your ex is not a good mother. She’s not even an ok one. She’s a shit excuse for a mother. She is dating a man that enjoys seeing images of children being raped - because it’s not ‘pornography’ it’s rape. Rape of children. She’s obviously ok with that. This man will have seen your dozy ex coming from a mile off. He’ll now spend the time grooming and manipulating her before he then grooms and manipulates your children. The rest I will not type out but I’m sure you can imagine in your worst nightmares. It happens. It happened to someone I know. These men seek women with children. It’s the easiest option. I wonder if SS using the phrase ‘parental rights’ is a clue for you. Whenever a parent refuses to hand over a child after their allocated weekend or whatever, it can eventually end up in court as both parents have ‘parental rights’. Are social services hinting something to you? Right now, unless you remove your children from that house and go down the legal route, you are failing them. They are not being protected.

On next contact, refuse to give the children back. Keep them with you. Inform social services, their school, change the details on their doctors/dentists etc if you can, get legal advice and start making provisions for your children living with you full time. Do not leave them somewhere she could find out and take them back. Explain to your work that you need leave. If they are a decent employer they’ll help you. They are your children. You should be moving heaven and earth for them, not contemplating what to do. I could be in millions of pounds of debt with only the clothes on my back and wondering where we were all going to sleep - I still wouldn’t leave my children in a situation where they are at risk of being sexually abused. Take action today.

SS telling you you can exert your parent rights is there way of telling you that you are responsible for keeping your children safe and may need to refuse to allow contact with the other parent and defend any legal action she takes.

If you have parenteral responsibility then keep the boys, let her take you to court for custody/visitation rights and see if you are entitled to legal aid. It's hard but you make it work, there's nothing on this earth I wouldn't do to prevent my children from abuse

@ShowUs it is not "excellent advice".

OP said SS are unaware the mother has restarted the relationship with this sex offender.

His parole officer also is, most likely.

Your kids are old enough to know what is going on so I’d suggest you talk to them gently - no mother blaming however repellant you find the situation - and explain what he was convinced for (show them the paperwork so that they can’t be lied to). Explain that you know they love their mother but you are concerned and open regarding them telling you about any contact with bf. Use the NSPCC resources (pants) or similar to regularly talk about person and physical boundaries.

Are children aged 4 and 7 really old enough to understand that their mum is choosing to bring a man who wants to watch kids being raped into their lives? And to read "paperwork" of the crime in legalese?

How would that conversation go?

I remember being 8 and told about stranger danger and to keep away from "funny men" in the vaguest terms - it was still scary. How would a child even younger than that understand why mummy is dating one of those men?

family court rarely supports the dad
Family court often help the dads. I think your judgement of family court is built on myths.

Based on what you said the mother’s partner would be under the supervision of police and probation service and subject to strict conditions regards child contact and internet use. Social Services would also have to approve his contact with the children and assess if the mother is protective. From what you describe the man is very probably breaching his sex offender restrictions under the police and also breaching his probation supervision requirements. If the mother has been assessed by social services as protective because she says the relationship has ended then in resuming the relationship she is putting the children at risk and should be reported to social services and they are legally bound to protect the children. It’s a serious situation and protecting the children is much more important than keeping a reasonable relationship with the mother. Social