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Original poster

Mum dating a sex offender

332 replies

diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 08:25

I was informed a while ago by social services that the mother of my children (boys 4 and 7) is dating a guy who had admitted to accessing indecent images of children. She then separated from this guy, and I thought all was OK.

My eldest son told me he had been in contact with this guy via a video call ( I'm sure it was just an innocent hello). And so I discovered the relationship had restarted.
I then contacted social services because I wasn't happy with the undue risk.. in response, they informed me that the guy had just been given a 2 year suspended sentence, and they had agreed the recommendation would be for there to be no contact between him and the children.. when i got the closing report, it said parole and MOSOVO classified him as high risk for 13 years of accessing class A child pornography (under 12 involving penetrative sex). Yet social services have put no safeguarding measures in themselves. The mother lied to social services and said my son hadn't spoken to him in a video call, but she told me it did happen under different circumstances than the child described. She has stayed in the relationship and tries to downplay.his crimes.by calling it "image abuse".

It only advice I have had from social services is that I had the right to proactively exercise my parental rights.. but obviously this has its own negative effects..
Any advice?

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 30/04/2023 09:37

I agree with the majority here that you need to refuse to return your boys to their mother and keep them with you. Allow her contact with them only under your supervision. Let her go to court to try and obtain more access.

You will have to resign from your job because no way can you do shift work as a single parent. Look into claiming all the benefits you can; be aware that you - not the mother - must be in receipt of child benefit for the benefits system to recognise that you are responsible for dependant children.

This does all sound daunting but you seem prepared to do whatever it takes to protect your children. My brother was sexually abused in childhood. He is middle aged now and the ruinous devastation the trauma has wrought on his mental health and life chances are indescribably tragic.

Unsure33 · 30/04/2023 09:37

Can you clarify is your ex still seeing the guy or are you talking about things that happened when she was ?

Thoughtful2355 · 30/04/2023 09:38

I just really dont know how someone could be physically attracted to someone whos interested in viewing that shit. I do feel a lot of the time its because they dont realise what the photos and videos ACTUALLY have in them... I saw one once, Job related not by choice. I was throwing up for days, couldnt sleep or eat and had nightmares it was so much worse than i had imagined they would be.. i dont know what i thought but i guess i just kind of disasociated it and then when i saw it i couldnt anymore... what i saw made me attempt suicide.

and it made me realise that anyone who ENJOYS looking at it must be very very disturbed.

Stripedbag101 · 30/04/2023 09:42

This is going to disrupt your life, this is going to cost you money but these are your children and there mother is putting them at considerable risk.

get some free legal advice - take custody now. You might have to change jobs (women have to do this all the time brocade of their kids) but your children’s I’ll be safe.

any decent parent would move mountains to get their children away from a dangerous sex offender. Your ex is not a decent parent - you need to step up.

LauderSyme · 30/04/2023 09:43

My brother told me once that as well as having to live with what was done to him, he is still haunted by memories of the child porn his abuser made him look at, and knowing what was done to them.

gogohmm · 30/04/2023 09:44

Full custody, doesn't matter that it causes work issue, kids come first. Your exw will owe you maintenance and you can claim child benefit plus potentially universal credit. Talk to social services today on the emergency number.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/04/2023 09:49

You need to protect your children. Literally nothing else matters

georgarina · 30/04/2023 09:57

Do what a mum would have to do, become a single parent, find work/benefits that make this possible

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 10:01

You do need to protect your children but it’s very rare that they give the dad full custody of nothing wrong has actually taken place.

I would contact the school and make them aware so they can pick up on anything the children are saying and ask them to log it and tell SS if they are in contact with this man.

I would tell your ex that she needs to choose between this man and her kids.

Log everything.
Like the video call - who told you, when it took place etc.

I would also think about what happens if he does meet them.
How you can go to court, find out if you can get legal aid etc find out the process.
Also how you will cope with work and having them FT. You can reduce your hours as you’ll get UC top ups.

I’m sorry you are going through this. This is every parents worst nightmare.

Arially · 30/04/2023 10:03

The fact you said he has done video calls made me shiver. There has been a massive jump of children mainly under 8yrs old. Who have persuaded to do sexual acts on themselves and with objects while the abusers watch on. They then sell / swap these videos. You do not know when else he is having video calls. The mum is a piece of shit. Protect your children. They need someone out there to do it for them. Debts can be sorted or paused try step change. Your children are at risk now!

Arially · 30/04/2023 10:05

Also get his full name and get in touch with his parole officer. Call every week tell them about the video call. Don't be passive

Crumbcatcher · 30/04/2023 10:05

It costs £232 to apply for a child arrangements order and those on a low income may get costs help.

Shoelacesundone · 30/04/2023 10:10

It could be by threatening seriously to fight for sole custody that your ex ends the relationship and that this and the resultant conversations with friends, families and colleagues will help her see sense.

It's tricky though because what everyone telling you to fight for custody is forgetting is that she will still have the right to have them visit? And in a years time if his restriction is lifted he could be there too....so having custody won't take the risk of him to zero...

SchoolTripDrama · 30/04/2023 10:10

If your name is on the birth certificate then you have a legal right to keep the children and police have no powers to take them back to their mother. She would then have to get an emergency court hearing to regain custody of them, at which point your ex's partner's record would come up in court and the judge would likely refuse her any unsupervised contact and quite possibly give you full custody with supervised contact with mum.
This is what social services were subtly suggesting I think.

SchoolTripDrama · 30/04/2023 10:15

The above ⬆️ is also a good way to get in front of a Judge without having to pay a penny btw!!!!

SchoolTripDrama · 30/04/2023 10:17

If you don't do this, social services are likely to pull into question YOUR ability to properly protect your kids as right now, you're doing bugger all and they can see that!

Next time the kids come to you - they stay with you and you send her a text or email explaining why. You then inform social services what you've done and why.
Then, await the letter telling you what day you'll be in court.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 30/04/2023 10:20

You might need to change jobs or give up for the time being to protect your children.

I guess it comes down to what's more important...

Zola1 · 30/04/2023 10:22

You don't even need to go to court, just keep the kids and your ex is the one who needs to apply to court. Why should anyone else shoulder the burden of protecting YOUR children? Why should the local authority get involved, are you that incapable of parenting you need a professional to do it?

AuntMarch · 30/04/2023 10:24

Inform the school, they'll call it in and it could get someone else looking at it, if the current social worker doesn't seem concerned.
Given his convictions are around imagery he doesn't have to be present in the room with the children for them to be at risk. There are too many women that have been targeted by peadiphiles and somehow been persuaded/agreed to provide such images (I saw somehow because I just can't fathom!)

Is the contact routine court ordered? Don't give them back and let social services know why.

AuntMarch · 30/04/2023 10:25

Actually, screw wether it is court ordered do that anyway. If she takes you to court to get them back it saves you instigating that process yourself!

Radiodread · 30/04/2023 10:27

It's not the case that family courts always side with mothers. Best interests of the child(ren) are paramount. So, forget that idea.

What, actually, have social services said about this? If they aren't doing their job, use the legal and complaints services available to you. Family Rights Group can help with advice.

The shift work may be incompatible with solo parenting so that will have to change but you will be entitled to maintenance from the mother of she is working.

Debts are neither here nor there. You can't put servicing debts above your children's safety. Get help from a specialist organisation who will be able to provide some initial advice at the very least.

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 10:30

Arially · 30/04/2023 10:03

The fact you said he has done video calls made me shiver. There has been a massive jump of children mainly under 8yrs old. Who have persuaded to do sexual acts on themselves and with objects while the abusers watch on. They then sell / swap these videos. You do not know when else he is having video calls. The mum is a piece of shit. Protect your children. They need someone out there to do it for them. Debts can be sorted or paused try step change. Your children are at risk now!

I agree.

Its also a way to lower their defences as that person is ‘known’ to them.

Its why so people predators use the internet as it’s easy access without their parents knowing and they can easily build up a relationship without raising suspicion, so when it’s time for the next step the victim thinks it’s ok because they know them.

Throughabushbackwards · 30/04/2023 10:32

OP, my brother was abused by a man who groomed my parents over several years to gain access to him. DB was abused by this man in our family home (without any of us knowing at the time) and now, in his adult life, he suffers terribly with depression and suicidal thoughts. It's utterly tragic.

Get your children away, make them safe. The children's mother has been captured and drawn in, her judgement is compromised, just as it was with my poor, lovely parents who were completely taken in and befriended by a sick man who was skilled pedophile.

Snugglemonkey · 30/04/2023 10:33

Chowtime · 30/04/2023 08:57

Yep. You put into words what I was thinking He wants to control the mothers behaviour rather than step in and do whats necessary.

Show quote history

My thoughts too.

Original poster
diegoyeah · 30/04/2023 10:33

Unsure33 · 30/04/2023 09:37

Can you clarify is your ex still seeing the guy or are you talking about things that happened when she was ?

Still seeing him.. currently agreeing to not allow him meet boys.. not sure if that's happening in reality

OP posts:
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